I think this is one of the scariest fantasy football seasons coming up. The top three picks seem to be solid fantasy thoroughbreds but after that, Yikes. Here is a breakdown of the first ten potential picks of a fantasy draft. After the first round, you’re on your own. Honestly, I have a job folks.
Larry JohnsonA
Penn State Alum who doesn’t suck! Emerging from Priest Holmes’ shadow last season, LJ has become a fantasy stud.
Pros: Chip on shoulder, named after cool Charlotte Hornets Forward Larry Johnson
Cons: James Blunt has had as many years of dominance,
Willie Roaf retired to have more time for pancake eating, named after uncool New York Knicks Forward Larry Johnson
Fact that I may or may not have made up: Joe Paterno is Larry Johnson’s grandfather
Nickname:
GrandmamaShaun Alexander
Coming off a MVP season and now riding high with a fat contract that he won’t see the last half of, Alexander is looking to get the C-Hawks back to the Super Bowl to lose miserably again.
Pros: Walter Jones will eat your children, plays in Seattle where there is no pressure, has a guy named Mack Strong (massive
porno name) blocking for him
Cons: Potential Post-contract year fall off, spells name with a “u”, gap tooth in his mouth so the D’s got to fit
Fact that I may or may not have made up: Alexander was an extra in the film “
Sister Act 2”
Nickname: Alexander the Good
LaDainian TomlinsonOne of the most well rounded backs ever, Tomlinson has racked up 7,361 yards in his first five years in the league, something that has
Emmitt Smith wondering if he should have stayed in Arizona for a couple more shitty years to pad stats.
Pros: Rushing plus receptions, plays in San Diego aka the best place in the world, nobody looks finer in baby blue
Cons: Marty Schottenheimer is a douche, Philip Rivers could be the next Ryan Leaf,
dumb Americans might assume LaDainian is French
Fact that I may or may not have made up: LT’s first name is a palindrome
Nickname: The Dainian
Tiki BarberAnother multi-faceted back, Tiki has finally rid himself of his fumbling ways.
Pros: His name is Tiki, loves his Lasik eye surgery
Cons: Might end up murdering Tom Coughlin, loses goal line carries to OJ Anderson err Ron Dayne err Brandon Jacobs
Fact that I may or may not have made up: Tiki means “yards from scrimmage” in Swahili
Nickname: Tiki Hairstylist
Edgerrin James
Running back most likely to appear in a Lost Boyz video without you noticing, the Edge puts up numbers every year.
Pros: No longer has to deal with Peyton “what’s a running play” Manning, shiny ass fronts
Cons: Umm, he's playing for the Cardinals, shares a nickname with that
schmuck from U2, is a Ricky Williams waiting to happen
Fact that I may or may not have made up: Signed with the Cardinals only after he saw the deal that they hooked
Rod Tidwell up with.
Nickname: Eddie Money
Clinton PortisA mighty mouse with a big time mean streak, Portis is hoping that Dan Snyder decides to spend more than three dollars on an offensive line this year
Pros: Loves to
play dress up, Joe Gibbs loves to run the ball
Cons: Clintons seem to have a
rough time in Washington, constantly have to be compared to John Riggins (white homo) , "separated shoulder" not as meaningless as "separated from his baby's mama".
Fact that I may or may not have made up: Portis was named after
George Clinton.
Nickname: Hillary
Peyton ManningAlthough his numbers retreated a little from his record setting 2004 season, Manning was still a QB fantasy God in 2005
Pros: fantasy leagues don’t include
the playoffs, a regular season stat machine, still surrounded by multiple receiving weapons
Cons: Still a pussy, wonder about backlash after throwing entire offensive line under the Bus, someone less talented than Edgerrin James to hand off to when his arm gets tired
Fact I may or may not have made up: Manning lost to
Pat Summitt in an arm wrestling match at a Tennessee fundraiser.
Nickname: Pey Roll
Steven JacksonWith Marshall Faulk’s role becoming more limited than Samuel L. Jackson’s in Coming to America, Jackson enjoyed his first 1,000 yard season last year.
Pros: Faulk is out for the year, the Passing SuperFreak Mike Martz is gone, could also appear in a Lost Boys video at any time without you noticing
Cons: Plays on turf (look what it did to
Andre Dawson), is as established as democracy in Iraq, wears the number 39
Fact I may or may not have made up: ran a 10.6 100 meters as a high school junior
Nickname: Mister MuthaFaulking Martz of Dimes Jackson
Rudi Johnson
Johnson is the RB that I always say “wait, he’s going in the first round?” and then I look and he’s posted back to back 1,400 yard, 12 TD seasons. And then I still say it again.
Pros: Resides in a potent offense (if Palmer is healthy), didn’t get arrested this off season, the
“Rudy” chant potentialCons: Has a pretty good back in Chris Perry that steals some carries, has to post bond for a teammate every week, the whole
Rudy thing (I have no clue if it is a pro or a con at this point)
Fact I may or may not have made up: Is one of 5 Johnsons on the Bengals right now
Nickname:
Samwise GamgeeLamont JordanSmuggled away from the Jets (who must be kicking themselves now), Jordan had an “eh” first year as a 1st string back, rushing for 1,025 yards but also catching 70 passes (yeah, shocked the shit out of me too).
Pros: Art Shell loves smash mouth football. Tyrone Wheatley is not around to poach goal line carries, no longer have Kerry Collins' inconsistent play at QB
Cons: I will constantly confuse him with Lamar Gordon, Zack Crockett is still around to potentially poach goal line carries, Aaron Brooks is Collins’ replacement at QB
Fact I may or may not have made up: Once finished second to Kobayashi in a pig’s feet eating contest on Coney Island
Nickname: LaMontell Jordan (This is how we do it)
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