Sports Untertainment: 2006 NFC East Preview

As the NFL regular season rapidly approaches, it probably makes some sense to do season preview. Unfortunately we aren't the prognosticators that ESPN is, so we don't have the mental capacity to tell you who will win the Super Bowl at this point. So, for now take a gander at our brief, but thorough, team capsules - starting with the NFC East

Dallas Cowboys
The Cowboys enter the season with a renewed sense of something, but I'm not sure what. I wish I could say it's optimism in light of bringing in a proven team cancer to the locker room, but that's not quite it. After just missing the playoffs last season, the Cowboys made some key acquisitions in the offseason, most notably Terrell Owens and an idiot kicker. Terry Glenn has looked great so far this pre-season and the defense looks as hungry and rapacious as a starving Ethiopian.

Key Games:
October 8 vs. Philadelphia: In light of Philly's signing of Donte Stallworth, this is definitely shaping up to be a key game. Donovan actually has a legitimate wide receiver on the roster. Sorry, Mr. Pinkston - my wiry ass would mop you up in a fight. T.O. returns to Philly. Can it get any better than that?

October 29 vs. Carolina: According to reports, pre-game tailgating festivities will include HGH guzzling and protein shake injections in Parking Lot A (for anabolic). One team is a Super Bowl contender, the other is an up and comer. Both teams will have a chance to see where they stand.

November 19 vs. Indy: Good matchup between a good D and a very good offense. Vanderjagt returns to to Indy - is that actually a storyline? Did I just make it one? Another measuring stick game for Dallas.

Impact Player: I hate to say it, but T.O. This designation has more to do with his off-field behavior rather than his performance on it. The Eagles hadn't had a receiver on their roster for about 5 years until they had T.O., so I doubt their collapse last season had to do with his departure from the team. When you have a player openly criticizing the team and its leader, dividing the locker room and fucking up former "badasses" like Hugh Douglas in locker room alterations, it's likely those distractions might carry over to the field.

Worst Player: Not one player in this case, but one group: The offensive line. This unit allowed the fourth most sacks in the league last year. Here's an equation for you: Horrible Offensive Line + Dreadfully Slow QB With No Pocket Presence = Lots of Sacks.

Prediction: 10 - 6

New York Giants
Fresh off his divorce proceedings, Michael Strahan is looking to plant his seed in offensive backfields. I have no idea what that's supposed mean. That being said, the big questions for the Giants are how long can their aging stars keep up their performance and will Eli develop into the QB they envision? My thoughts - I don't work for ESPN so I'm not gifted enough to provide you a plausible answer.

Key Games:
September 10 vs. Indy: What better way to start off the season than playing one of the top dogs in the league? And what better way to see how the Colts new O is going to look for the first time against a re-vamped Giants defense.

December 30 vs. Washington: In the supposedly ultra-competitive NFC East, this game could shape up to be a "play-in" game for either team.

Impact Player(s): Sam Madison/R.W. McQuarters. Giants had the 27th ranked offense last year so these guys will (re: should) be a big help in that department.

Worst Player: Greg Hanoian. Who? Yeah, exactly. This dude came out of Syracuse's football program. If you know anything about the state of that program these days, you'd know not to expect much. Long gone are the days of Donovan McNabb and Marvin Harrison.

Prediction: 9-7

Philadelphia Eagles
Nose Dive, (n.); what happens when a problem child creates turmoil in the locker room and with the front office, resulting in poor performance on the field. That was the Eagles' season last year. This year, questions remain about whether the 2nd half of the season is a preview for this season's edition of if that was an aberration.

Key Games:
September 17 vs. NY Giants: A fun divisional game early on in the season.

October 8 vs. Dallas: T.O. returns. The Eagles will be all geared up to prove that they can beat the Cowboys without T.O. They will lose handily to the Cowboys. Donte Stallworth will smack Todd Pinkston for being a bitch.

Impact Player: Some may disagree, but I'm going to say Donte Stallworth. He's not a bitch like #87 on the Eagles and actually has talent. This is a great acquisition to help out McNabb.

Worst Player: Todd Pinkston. We all know he's worthless, but this is the best evidence.

Prediction: 8-8

Washington Redskins
Daniel Snyder has giving up on over-spending on his football team and has now signed Tom Cruise to a nice little deal. Can't wait for Snyder to unveil this gem on the Jumbotron to get the fans in a frenzy. Oh, what about the football team? They look absolutely atrocious this pre-season, they're paying their coordinators (Greg Williams, Al Saunders) head coaching salaries, and Sean Taylor is chomping at the bit to commit another crime. All is well in 'Skins territory.

Key Games: Can a team that I expect to just roll over have any key games? Is my dislike for this team coming through at all? I guess I can't be a biased "journalist".

September 11 vs. Minnesota: This will decide which team I'll have lower expectations for.

September 17 vs. Dallas: After last year's shocking come from behind MNF loss, the Cowboys will be looking to avenge that defeat.

Impact Player: This guy. Hopefully the shoulder can hold up through the course of the season. And he loves to play dress up.

Worst Player: This guy. He's old and slow. Let's see backup Jason Campbell play.

Prediction: 5-11