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It's impossible to watch a program of any sort without the casual or not so casual mention of sponsors or specific products. Just for the record, ESPN, continue apprising me of "ESPN Mobile updates" while i'm watching the f*cking television. That reaaaally helps you sell phones. It's amazing that while sitting on the couch I can get these exclusive updates without having the phone. And I digress. We wanted to dig up some unique player endorsements in the world of sports, and we've managed to do so. Enjoy...

Mike Tyson - Kid Dynamite Anorexia Medication
Stop putting the food down and start putting it back in your mouth. Kid Dynamite Anorexia Medication is guaranteed to put you in a state of culinary euphoria. Side effects: mindless rambling, cannibalism, lack of thought, hysteria, spousal abuse, obsession with pigeons.

Brett Myers - Premium Wifebeaters
High Quality, 100% Cotton, produced by Hanes. Each purchase come with a complimentary flask of Maker's Mark. Made in colors black and blue.

Gene Keady - Gem of the Orient Pearl Combs
Sleek pearl combs give you the confidence to do anything with your hair and feel on top of the world. You want a sexy part? No problem. Long, flowing hair, no sweat.

Eric Lindros - Padded Rooms
Hi, I'm Eric Lindros, and I'd like to talk to you about Cotton Gin brand padded rooms. These lush, cotton-filled rooms were all I need to get back on my feet and start feeling indestructible again. Since getting these installed in each room of my padded mansion, I have to say that...FUCK. I need a trainer - cameraman, get me a trainer. I just took a step and my head really fuck*n hurts. CUT. Cut this f*ckin taping. [END TAPING]

Bryant McKennie - Herpecin Cold Sore Medication
Who said you need to be careful with "women of the night." Get to taking dives with no worries. Herpecin leaves you with that cool, tingly feeling. You know that, "oh sh*t this bitch may have given me 'something' feeling." When that clear coat of Herpecin hits your lips, let all your worries fade away and sit those annoying "teammates" on the bench where they belong.

Jason Giambi - Nothing Cologne
Comes with the underlying audacity to act as though you're fooling all of those around you. With your next purchase of Nothing, Sports Untertainment will provide you with a complimentary intestinal parasite, a comically funny pituitary tumor and a seriously dazed look. Oh yeah, don't forget to get back to using Nothing once you tell everyone you're not using it anymore. You'll have all your friends and family duped.

Fred Smoot - "Fook Me? No, Fook You!" Dildo's
Hi I'm Fred Smoot. You probably know me from being an overly arrogant cornerback with the Redskins and most recently from the sex cruise with the Vikings. As we were sailing the seven seas, I was sailing in several "c's" myself, if you know what I mean. All I gotta say is two heads are better than one.

Paul Pierce - Ginsu Knives
Shwing-shwing! That's the sound my recently purchased Ginsu knives make as I wave them at unsuspecting friends of mine. I'm sure you heard about my scene-stopping show a number of years ago - I can assure you those weren't Ginsu's. How can I be so sure, you ask? Because they weren't serving me up in dishes of Kung Pao Chicken in Chinatown a few days later. Go with Ginsu. Guaranteed to cut you up!