The Morning Wood - 08/01/2006

Stud: David Ortiz
Que Bueno! He's not Dominican, but the Mexican Chorizo was running wild with joy as Ortiz' game-winning shot landed in the seats last night. Latin Pride, motherfuckers! At some point managers will realize it's best to pitch around him...and also best to pitch around Manny right after that.

Let's take a quick look at the Indians bullpen:
- The Indians bullpen has only converted only 15 of 28 saves this season
- As of last night, their current bullpen had accounted for 0 saves all season - due to trading away of Bob Wickman
- 0% of the bullpen staff has talent
- 100% of the staff is trying to bang Grady Sizemore

Taking those stats into consideration, it's safe to say that minimal talent/experience vs. Papi talent = Good result for the Red Sox. That was his 5th walk off hit of the season.

Dud: Blockbuster Trades
So, first Soriano was "very close" to going to the White Sox. But then the Angels, Twins and even the Marlins were pretty close working a deal for him. Oh yeah, the Sox threw an offer to the Braves for Andruw Jones. Miguel Tejada got traded...oh, nope he didn't. The trade deadline this year was nothing but a case of blue balls. Thanks for getting my hopes up. Blockbuster Trades, you're such a prude. Just give me a taste...please?


Talk Around The Cooler:
So Floyd Landis has super urine. It's clear from this new news, that Landis is other-worldly and not a cheater. When you mention otherwordly athletes, you think Jordan, LeBron, Yinka Dare, Victor Page, etc. I think of this man.

If you missed Danica Patrick's temper tantrum on Sunday, have a look. I'm a big fan of the 1st grade stomp on the pavement move. That bitch is pissed! This situation would have been so much better if she were wearing heels and a mini-skirt. Richard Petty had a smile on his face watching this.

Trades in other leagues occurred over the weekend - I know, hard to believe. But Jamaal Magloire was traded in exchance for 3 players. Yeah, I'm surprised too. Something is very wrong when Magloire is traded for 2 decent players and a pair of chopsticks and no one blinks - including the Asian guy. Somebody stop me.

Quick Hits:
I don't know about you, but I've been dying to smell like Derek Jeter. Now I finally can. Jeremy Shockey will always be entertaining. FIFA is really ahead of the curve when it comes to punishing players. I have no idea how teams will be able to muster up $24K, that's a lot of money. This is disgusting.

The Morning Wood - 07/31/2006

Stud:Chase Utley
Chase Utley is streaking like Harold Reynolds at an ESPN employee picnic! The Udder man extended his streak to 31 games, tying Ed Delahanty's streak that we all remember in 1899 as the second longest streak in Phillies history. The longest streak is owned by Jimmy Rollins, who hasn't had a hit since his streak ended the second game of this year. Go Utley!

Dud: Contract Negotiations
I know that the life of a football player is short lived. It just pisses me off that there are hassles every year about the contracts. We talking bout paper! Take Matt Leinart for example. He has walked away from negotiations because they couldn't get a deal done over the weekend. Matt, ask Rod Tidwell, the Cardinals will always try and rip you off. That being said, they have no way to guarantee that no other penis besides your own penetrates Paris Hilton so stop asking for that clause. Just sign your deals, get in to camp, get hurt, and start selling stuff on QVC.

Talk Around The Cooler:
The Yankees outfield costs more than a "conflict" in Iraq! The Yankees pulled away Metrosexual Bobby Abreu from the Phillies yesterday as well as Aaron Small, err Shawn Chacon, right Cory Lidle for Brien Taylor, Drew Henson, atravelinging secretary George Costanza. Abreu is excited because he says Yankee Stadium's Monument Park is a perfect place to bury his Home Run swing, which passed away July of last year.

Justin Gaitlin pulled a Bonds/Sheffield/Landis after his positive test for testosterone, saying that he never willingly took the drug. I don't mean to condemn him before we hear all the facts, but let me just say that the word "willingly" there really pisses me off. If you're a professional athlete, especially a trickster, you better know exactly what is being rubbed on your body at all times and you better trust the people you are working with. It's as simple as that. His coach is now calling the entire thing a set up. I'm sure Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will agree and somehow blame me. I blame Linford Christie.

Quick Hits:
Bruce Sutter was inducted into the Hall of Fame with two thirds of ZZ Top. Carlos Beltran has hit 3 grand slams in July, tying a major league record. Man, he really really sucked last year! Welcome back though. Some dude Danny Leake had holes in one on consecutive days this weekend. Congratulations, I hope your wife is cheating on you. Finally, we have reached the trade deadline in baseball. Who's going where? Who knows? I miss Gammons.

Dear Lima II

Jose Lima took some time off from the coronas and Reggaeton to answer your questions about life, love, and licorice...


Dear Lima,
How do you throw a circle change up?
-Steve, Juneau Alaska
With choor brazo amigo!! Next pregunta!!

Dear Lima,
Are there any times when it isn't Lima Time?
-Tim, North Kingstown RI
Ohhh, choo's a thinker mayn. Ess true, Lima Time essn't all de time. Por ejemplo, ess not Lima Time when Misses Leema has the curse of de rojo, comprende? Me loves Misses Leema but Dios Mio! she ess crazy dat time of de month!! Choo got no dancing, even with mayns!! Choo got no singing either. Women's time of de month ess not lima time.

Dear Lima,
How do you feel about Pamela Anderson marrying musician Kid Rock this month?
-Vince, CA
Choo got to understand uno thing muchacho: Me love Misses Leema. But in an otro lifetime, Lima could see hisself sneefing Pameeela. Who ess this Kid Rock? Ha musician you say? 'E ess no Lou Bega, as far as I is concerned. Uno thing about dees Pameeela: have you's seen the video wif 'er lover Tomas Lee? Woof!! Hey Kid Rock, ess like parking a bicicleta in an aeropuerto eh!!! Does eeet echo when you heet it??? Jusss be sure to wear a poncho muchacho!! Lima ess out!

Send Jose Lima questions to sportsuntertainment@gmail.com

The Morning Wood - 07/28/2006

Stud: Corey Pavin.
Oh yeah, irrelevant "athletes" can achieve this accolade too. And by irrelevant, I really mean athletes you either thought were dead or out of the sport. And by Corey Pavin I mean the aged, skinny, wiry guy that drives the ball a robust 175 yards on a good day. Pavin broke the PGA Tour's nine-hole record with a front-nine 26. How do you get a 26 you say? You get her nice and liquored up before you bring her home. Bud-duh Bing. But really, you birdie 8 of the first 9 holes. Congrats to being relevant for 1 day, big guy.


Obvious Dud: Floyd Landis
So this dude from Bumblefuck, PA had us all wrapped around his little finger. ESPN gave us the interviews with his uber-isolated parents, we heard about his upcoming hip replacement surgery and this time around - this American was fortunate enough to have two testicles. I mean, could we have a better story? And then we learn that his male-hormone to epi-male hormone ratio is higher than allowable. And this was measured after "one of the greatest cycling stages in history." Suspicious. DON'T TRUST THE AMISH - STAY AWAY FROM PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH COUNTRY. THEY'RE NOT NORMAL.

Less Obvious Dud: LeCharles Bentley.
And I can only assume the "Le" was added upon his birth because he didn't have enough flair coming out of the "pocket." Inappropriate. The two-time Pro-Bowler tore his patellar tendon yesterday and will be out for the season. Cleveland ranked 25th in rushing offense and 23rd in passing. A good line and someone like LeCharles might go a great way towards improving those numbers. Happy Trails.

Talk Around The Cooler:
A bevy of 1st rounders signed contracts yesterday, including a one Vince Young, whose deal is actually a tad bit more than Mario Williams. This can only give this guy more leverage in his contract negotiations. Hopefully he and his agent won't bungle the negotiations like he bungled this play during the Rose Bowl. Smack me if I ever use the word "bevy" again. Thanks.

I don't know what Barry Bonds has threatened to do to Greg Anderson or what Greg Anderson knows that he can't let the general public know, but if his actions aren't the epitomy of loyalty, which in this case means stupidity, then I don't know what is.

Quick Hits:
If you pull your hamstring while taking a physical, what does that say about the condition you're in? Call me ignorant, racist, whatever. With every mention of the "Mexican Chorizo" I will be laughing.

The Morning Wood - 07/27/2006

Stud: Justin Verlander
The kid went 6 2/3, allowed one run and struck out 8 as le Tigres took it those firewater slurpin' redmen, 4-1, outdueling this Adonis in the process. He's 23-years-old, and he's just mowing down lineup after lineup. The Indians' Jason Michaels was quoted as saying, "It felt like a thousand miles an hour. Just blowing me away. I was just trying to get something on it." When you've got a guy with 29 career homeruns saying shit like that, you know you've made it. All kidding aside, the Tigers look goooood, and I wouldn't want to run into them come playoff time, mainly b/c I'm pretty sure Chris Shelton packs some sort of firearm everywhere he goes, right next to his pouch o'chew. Seriously, look in those eyes. I just wet myself.

Dud: Albert Belle
This guy is fucking crazy. And not like haha-Latrell Spreewell or John Rocker crazy. I mean full-blown, Brad-Pitt-in-12 Monkeys loco. He put a GPS system on his ex-girl's car. That's a man that knows how to stalk. Let's remember, this is the same nutjob that left the field and chased a heckler in the stands in college, hit a photographer and a fan w/baseballs on separate occasions, hit Hannah Storm up w/a Hezbollah-esque firing of f-bombs, dropped Fernando Vina while running the basepaths, and - my personal favorite - chased egg-throwing teenagers down on Halloween, eventually bumping one...with his truck. Truly great stuff.

Talk Around the Cooler:
So The Round Mound is considering running for governor of Alabama. I love it. He once had similar musings, though they were w/the Republican Party. Now, he's changed sides, saying that he was a Repub "until they lost their minds." Another gem: "I'm rich like a Republican, but I'm not one." I'd really like to see him run. Even if he doesn't win, he'll bring that straight-shooter, Bulworth mentality to the election, which will at least take the other candidates out of their comfort zone. So I say, get your run on, Sir Charles, and let's hope that the answer to this isn't "every honkie in Alabama."

Quick Hits...
Someone tell Jerry Porter and Deion Branch that the only thing mediocre receivers can demand is that they get the damn ball. Chase Utley might be the best player in the bigs that you've never heard of. It was only a matter of time before I used that dumb-ass phrase on here. The Celtics signed this guy, seriously upping their street cred. Team him with this stud and watch the Eastern Conference cower in FEAR. You don't want this, Ben Wallace!

H.R. goes to HR

Girl, you see this ball? Nah girl, I don't even need to look at that sh*t. Let me juggle you and my other girlfriends.

We here at S.U. were quite shocked to hear about Harold Reynold's dismissal. When your crew consists of the these three a holes, you tend to not let anyone go unless they've really screwed up. When rumors came out of sexual harassment being Harold Reynold's downfall, numerous questions jumped into our heads: Why couldn't it have been Joe Morgan? Is my '86 Calgary Cannons card going to sell for less? They fire people for sexual harassment these days? Fortunately, we were able to recover tapes of Harold's initial Human Resources seminar at ESPN. What you read here might shock you.

Readers who are easily upset, allergic to velvet, fans of the Little League World Series, suffering from irritable bowel syndrome, or Republicans should not read on. Republicans that have the ability to read that is...

May 20th, 1996
New Hire Harold Reynolds

Interviewer: Good morning Mr. Reynolds. Welcome aboard. We are excited to have a person with your expertise in our company.

Harold Reynolds: Mr. Reynolds? Come on now! You can call me H-R baby!
Int: I'm sorry?
HR: H-R baby! like Home Run, like around all the bases, you dig? H to the R! Got Hunnies Running funny!
Int: Hunnies...
HR: Running Funny. Hunnies with the H, Running with the R.
Int: Right. But where does the F come from?
HR: Got Hunnies running Funny once I'm done with them!
Int: You can't say that.
HR: Sorry, sorry. I'm just so excited. You guys got chapter 11 here right? Women get equal employment opportunities and all that?
Int: I believe you mean Title IX and that really doesn't apply outside of college sports but yes, we believe that women are strong assets within out company.
HR: Damn straight homey! I loves em strong. Nice and thick.
Int: Mr. Reynolds...
HR: HR Homey!
Int: Mr. HR, we do not tolerate language of this sort! Now Please...
HR: I bet you let Craig Kilborn say shit like this
Int: We most certainly do not. I find your suggestion of racism insulting.
HR: You know what I find insulting? That desk you got up in front of the sportscenter crews. Shit, the other day, I'm talking to Danny Tartabull and I said "hey Bull, you think Linda Cohn even got legs?" Seriously, does she have legs?
Int: That is really not why we're here...
HR: So the bitch don't have legs. That is one of the saddest things I've heard. Where that bitch at? I need to give her a hug.
Int: Mr. Reynolds, I have no choice but to recommend your immediate dismissal from ESPN.
HR: Now you listen here Muthaf@cka. You know who I am right?
Int: Yes
HR: Now listen here. You might see the smile, see the .258 average on the back of the baseball cards...
Int: You hit .258 for your career???
HR: Never mind the numbers now son, I was swinging at a small ass baseball, not fat honky HR reps. So here's what you're gonna do: you're gonna walk out this room all smiling and shit and you're gonna say H-R is a nice muthaf@cka and you're gonna keep your mouth shut.
Int: I most certainly will not.
HR: I can figure out where you live. You got a wife? Every Thanksgiving, what does she get second helpings of? Yeah, the dark meat. You want her running funny? Don't f@ck with me. I'm not gonna get stuck doing local commercials. So if you want to save your lady's gait, you better say H-R is great! That shit rhymes!
Int: This is ridiculous!
HR: I can see her now, walking like she just got off Secretariat
Int: Fine, you'll be gone in three months with this behavior anyway.
HR: That's what you think homey. Bitches love hugs! Aiight, where the white women at??

The Morning Wood - 07/26/2006

Stud: Roy Halladay
Hey, a 13 game winner from the AL East! Unlike Jesus Schilling and Chucker Beckett, this guy is getting it done without a fat stack of run support. I'm not going to post any statistics to back that up! It is good to see him back after a year wasted due to injury. It is also great that he looks like Hans Klopek from the movie the Burbs. See, you can be successful in professional sports while being a red head.

Dud: AI Trade Rumors
Well, apparently AI isn't going anywhere after all. Billy King actually did something intelligent and realized that he isn't going to get full value for him in the offseason. Personally, I think King should focus on getting rid of that monster Chris Webber contract. I'm not saying he's not a good player, I'm just saying the last time he could jump, she was only rocking a five head.

Runner Up Dud: The Houston Astros Offense when Roger Clemens pitches
Nothing makes a man think more fondly of hosting summer pool parties and giving foot massages to his wife than 3 runs of support in his four losses. Karma should not be ruled out in this scenario: the going to the Yankees, the fake retiring, and that '04 Cy Young win when Randy Johnson was rocking better numbers but had a bad case of the flaccid run support.

Talk Around The Cooler:
The buzz is still out there about Alfonso Soriano and many people have him heading to the Chicago White Sox, making them even more of journalists' favorites to repeat as World Champions. Interesting that Soriano is potentially going from a crying manager to one who causes his players to cry. Caption to that picture: Where's Madonna's concert tonight?

Jan Ullrich and Lance Armstrong are joining forces? Well apparently it's a possibility. I don't know about you but I'm personally thinking that Lance Armstrong is more interested in Discovery than he is in the U.S.A. Is my view biased, ridiculous, and formed with facts? Yes, yes it is. But I'm no worse than this jock sweat sponge. Either way, Floyd Landis is going to be eating Crow all summer long.

Quick Hits:
Rick Majerus turned down an offer to be an assistant coach with the Denver Nuggets when he realized, much to his chagrin, that the team was in no way associated with McDonald's chicken nuggets. After being traded, Odalis Perez is about to learn that there are things in the world that are a lot worse than pitching inconsistently for a team in a major city and all those things reside in Kansas City. Ty Law claims to be a 110% better than he was last year, something that Chiefs fans are probably excited to hear. Unfortunately when pressed, Herman Edwards admitted that he was roughly 30% worse as a coach this year compared to last. Danika Patrick decided to not make the jump to NASCAR, instead signing with a different team because her heart and soul are with the IRL. Right, like women have those.

The Morning Wood - 07/25/2006

Stud: Jeremy Bonderman
Did he have an unbelievable night? No, but he did manage to pull out the win last night to remain undefeated on the road this season. Oh yeah, he hasn't lost a game since May 29th. That's good in my book.

Dud: LA Dodgers
Show us that you still care to win the worst division in baseball. The Dodgers lost their sixth straight last night.

Talk Around The Cooler:
So the BIG NEWS is that Soriano MIGHT be involved in a trade to the White Sox. Other players involved? We don't know. Let me just say that the news of something that seems both probable and improbable at the same time has my juices flowing. I love hearing about possible news that really isn't news. Way to go ESPN!

Shawn Marion won't be heading to Asia for the World Basketball Championships this summer. And to that, I say, thank god. It's bad enough watching his horrific shot from October - June. I don't know who's shot is worse - Marion's or this guy's. Or maybe this guy's.

What's a great way to show a player you really appreciate him...again? Trade for him two years after you traded him away. Good job Pacers.

Quick Hits:
Is headbutting the new pimp-slap? I'm assuming the jockey was trying to somehow lose weight by executing this maneuver. There's nothing better than getting traded from a minor league team to a playoff contender. Sammy Sosa is delusional.

The Morning Wood - 07/24/2006

Stud: Jered Weaver
The 23-year-old rook got his seventh win in seven starts yesterday as he held the offensive juggernaut that is the Kansas City Royals to three hits over 6 2/3. He's the first to win his first seven since this pimp, who, in his later years, is giving a new definition to the term "four bagger." While his delivery and likeness may look exactly like his brother, he isn't washed up. We must remember, though, that Jeff came into the league mowing batters down for the Tigers, and Jered's seven victories have come against the O's, Cleveland, Tampa Bay, two against KC, Seattle and Oakland - not exactly a who's who of powerhitting clubs. That .79 WHIP is pretty freakin impressive, however.

Dud(s): The Cincinnati Bengals
Even Vanilla Ice's rap sheet looked better than this. The Bungles' DT Matthias Askew was arrested on Saturday after struggling w/police officers over a parking violation. A parking violation. This man is a millionaire, yet can't fork over $15 for not feeding the meter? The arresting officers needed to use a Taser to subdue him, too. In total, Chris Henry and AJ Nicholson are each facing a trio of charges, while Frostee Rucker comes in w/two. Now you've got Askew doing this just moments after owner Mike Brown released a statement to fans to let them know that their players are upstanding citizens. He swears. Really.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Tiger Woods held off a pretty game Chris DiMarco to take the British Open yesterday in fairly impressive fashion. He got all sorts of emotional after the win, crying in his hot au-pair-of-a-wife's arms. Right before he and playing partner Sergio Garcia got up to the 18th green, some protesters from "Fathers 4 Justice" threw purple stuff on the surface. It was to demonstrate their hatred of Sunny D. Garcia said that "it didn't affect [him] at all," or at least not as much as the enormous ball of choke stuck in his throat.

Quick Hits...
Some American w/an arthritic hip won the Tour de France. Finishing in second place was Bea Arthur. Al Harrington is heading back to the Pacers, who hope that he can return to his mediocre, overrated form from when they had him last time. People are calling A-Rod "E-Rod," which is hysterical. Ozzie Guillen got pissed that one of his pitchers didn't hit a guy, again. I love that incorrigible bastard.

And Now For Your Viewing Pleasure...

Not much to say outside of the fact that I'm immature and the video below made me cackle. If only this could happen to someone like Jason Giambi or A.J. Pierzynski - and they were out for the rest of the season (I'm an asshole). I know some of you would say, why not Barry Bonds? Well if you were a rational person, you'd know that upon contact with his massive dome, the ball would disintegrate into millions of pieces. I hope this video is a lesson to all that when you emulate Kurt Rambis' gametime fashion, bad luck follows you (Eric Gagne) - no matter what sport you play.

Shawn Kemp - When It Reigns It Pours

Not that it should come as a surprise to anyone, Shawn Kemp was arrested and charged with drug possession Friday night. His career was pretty much over despite attempts to make a comeback and this effectively ends whatever minimal chance he did have at signing with a team. We all know that Isiah Thomas was probably salivating at the opportunity to give him a "reasonable" offer.

It's sad to see people let themselves go and decline from something like this to nothing more than an NBA player warming the bench and fighting addiction.

Shout out to other wastes of talent: J.R. Rider, Stanley Roberts, Lawrence Phillips, Derrick Coleman, Mike Tyson...feel free to add on.

Letters To Barbaro

It's becoming increasingly apparent that more of us in this country have mental problems than I thought. And by more of us I mean two groups of people: 1) Sports Reporters and 2) delusional equestrian fanatics that know their 5-year old child will be squeezing Barbaro out of a newly purchased bottle of Elmer's glue just a few months from now. I just want to reference a few things: how can one openly admit they know nothing about what the horse is going through go on to write article after article about itsresolve. It's a fucking horse, and unless you're talking to the one and only Mr. Ed, I doubt you're getting much noteworthy feedback. The reports right after his first surgery about Barbaro being "frisky" with the mares meant nothing to me. I could be on my death bed and want to get frisky - doesn't mean I'm feeling great. Fucking idiots. And then we have these damn video tributes to the horse. Give me a break. If you want to see something truly depressing, look at this. And then think to yourself that you're probably more talented than Mr. Rose and you'll never make as much money in your lifetime as him.

Read these exclusive, heart-felt letters we've been able to obtain. Fortunately, some of us in this country are sane. Enjoy!
__________________________________________________________

Dear dear sweet Barbaro,
Sweetie, I hope your recovery is going magnificent!! I can only imagine the pain you're going through. It must be unbearable to the point where you need someting like a pillow or something durable to put in your mouth to withstand the constant pain and pressure. Here's to a speedy recovery, you hunk of sweet thoroughbred man!!

Sincerely,
Richard Simmons, America's sweetheart

_______________________________________________________

Barbaro,
In a word, you were heroic on the field of battle. You've helped us secure the weapons of mass destruction and our work in Iraq is now almost complete. Furthermore, your work on the Mr. Ed show was inspirational. You are that same horse aren't you?

George "Dubya" Bush, President of the Yoonited Stayts (I graduated from Yell University)

_______________________________________________________

Dear Barbro,

I watched the Preeknest Staykes and saw you break your hoof. My daddy says the only reason anybody cares is because you can give people C-men that are valuable. I've never heard of them. Who are they and can me and my friends have some?

Erick, 7 years old

_______________________________________________________
Barbaro,

Why the long face? I'm turning in my grave being witness to the hoopla surrounding you and your piece of shit leg. You fucking equine scum. Sack up and succumb to your inevitable end. We'll all be better off without you.

Your friend,
Mr. Ed

_______________________________________________________

Mr. Barbaro,

We would like to extend offa to you. Me along with with my wife own rest'raunt called Taste of Orient. We believe your "presence" would be much welcomed at our establishment. We have extended to other famous celebrity like Spuds Mackenzie and our food was all the better for it. Please promptly respond to our requsts. Our woks are impatiently awaiting.

Mien Wang, owner of Taste of the Orient Restaurant

_______________________________________________________

To you I say, sorry.

I'm just really sorry. I just want to apologize to all the fans. I accept full responsibility for this. I'm just trying to go forward for now. It's going to be hard and I know how you feel. I'm just sorry about this. There's been a lot of distratction over the last couple months and I'm sorry for that. I feel I let down the fans, the media and I can't forgive myself for that. I don't really know what I'm apologizing for but it just comes so natrually.

Sincerely,
Jason Giami, Yankee Slugger (courtesy of my HGH kit)

PS - I'd be so much better if that fucker Steinbrenner let me have facial hair. I'm like Ralph Sampson. Or Samson. Shit, sorry about the reference. You know what I mean. I'm sorry guys.

________________________________________________________

I'm sick of this sinking ship mentality - it's either your or me. You wanna take this outside? Challenge me, motherfucker. I can't deal with this anymore - you're a cancer inside and outside the stable. Let's get saddled up and take this outside. Let's end it right now. You wanna fight? You're by no means more important than the larger plan. If you were a real man, you'd settle this thing with fisticuffs.

Signed,

John Gibbons, MLB manager you don't want to fuck with

________________________________________________________

The Morning Wood - 07/21/2006

Stud: John Gibbons
In the ongoing Gibbons/Hillenbrand saga, which has left all 17 baseball fans in Toronto holding their collective breath, it has come to light that manager John Gibbons challenged Shea to fisticuffs in the lockerroom after Mr. Hillenbrand chose to motivate the Jays by writing "the ship is sinking" on their clubhouse bulletin board. Shea did not accept, and Gibbons has said that either Shea needed to be traded, or he would quit as manager. I find all of this bizarre for several reasons. First off, "the ship is sinking" has a great cryptic vibe to it. Second, has Shea Hillenbrand ever made news in his life? Now he's dictating a manager's career moves? It would be like Pat Riley threatening to leave the team b/c of a spat w/Udonis Haslem. Gibbons, pick your battles wisely - there are bigger fish to fry. Those are the two idioms with which I will advise you.

Dud: Johnny Damon
In another skin-thickness issue, Damon got his seal-clubbing agent Scott Boras to threaten legal action against a woman selling baby clothes on eBay embroidered w/the phrase "Damon Sucks." Now, I love that dumb jock did for Boston, but come on, take a cue from your captain and suck it up when a less-than-flattering tshirt is sold. You're a public figure making millions - this is the cross that you must bear.

Talk Around the Cooler:
The Tour de France is almost over, I think some American is winning, or close to it, and I haven't heard or seen shit about it on the tele. It's amazing what one charismatic, possible cheater can do for a sport. Shouldn't there be at least a little national pride here in the States, and at the very least, some good ol'fashion French disdain towards our ugly American cyclist? I'm baffled. C'est la vie.

Quick Hits:
The Nuggets signed Nene to a long-term extension. Solid move tossing $60 mil to a guy who bases his game on explosive moves, yet blew out his knee last year. At least in the press conference he said he wants to emulate this Brokeback inspiration. To trump them in the odd signing department, the Suns tossed Marcus Banks a 5-year deal. Someone better give Matt Bonner the kind of money that he's due. Tiger is leading in Liverpool, and holed out some ridiculous eagle yesterday. While I don't like to see anyone dominate, golf's more exciting when he's consistently near the top of the leaderboard. Danica Patrick is close to signing a deal w/Indycar, and I don't give a shit.

The Morning Wood - 07/20/2006

Because the three of us that normally run this site are lazy and more or less, worthless individuals, we've opened up the Wood to a close friend of ours, to be fondly referred to as JohnnyMac. Read the Wood - enjoy it, laugh, cry, make love to it.

Stud: Craig Monroe
The man who’s middle name is one of my favorite drinks though he may be named after the state that brought you this man and this man was able to hit a grand slam to help Detroit show life against the world champs who had been previously dominating them, making it look like this is going to be a great playoff race in the American League.

Dud: Shea Hillenbrand
Cut from the Blue Jays despite hitting over .300 on the season. His major beef with the organization, they didn’t say congratulations about adopting a child. It’s understandable that this is a big deal to him, but I’d take a snubbing for this kind of a paycheck . I think the Blue Jays should be focusing some of their anger towards A.J. Burnett, who is being paid $$$, and along with this guy, is the half the reason medicine is so expensive in the country and its so hard to get a doctor’s appointment.


Talk Around The Cooler:
Sammy Sosa is thinking about returning to play baseball . The only way this would be worthwhile for a major league team is if they signed Sammy and the juice that helped turn this guy into this guy.

Zinedine Zidane gets a slap on the wrist from FIFA while Materazzi gets another headbutt to the wallet. Materazzi plans on paying the fine and getting right back to practice

Quick Hits:
The British Open tees off today (in progress) and though this joke is often used, I love it - so hopefully the heat will help him and him sweat off some of their manboobs.
The Sonics could be moving from Seattle to Oklahoma. Outside of those two areas, who really cares? The people just want them to bring back the glory days of Sleepy Sam and this mega-bust who is currently challenging the one of the greatest free throw shooters of all time for fathering the most illegitimate children. Thank you, that’s all.

The Morning Wood - 7/19/2006

Stud: Carlos Beltran
I guess. Why are there never any clear cut studs when I do the wood? Why is that sentence so gay? This 2005 bust has returned in 2006 with a vengeance. Example: back to back games with grand slams. And the Mets continue to roll over the NL/JV. Let me just say, Beltran, Wright, Reyes, and Delgado are getting levels of NY pouzzle that this guy could only dream of.

Dud: Neil Smith
Speaking of incompetent General Managers of New York sports teams, Neil, whaa happen? Apparently, Smith did not live up to Charles Wang's expectations. Can we talk about how odd it is that an Asian owns an NHL team? That's almost as bad as anyone owning a WNBA team. Garth Snow makes quite an interesting career move, retiring from the game to jump immediately into the GM position. I can tell you one thing: A Wang and Snow certainly aren't a recipe for anything other than shrinkage.

Talk Around The Cooler

Buck O'Neil became the oldest professional baseball player when he took some pitches in a pair of tapered jeans at the age of 94. I'm not really sure how to handle this. The minor leagues have became ridiculous shit shows in the last couple years. That being said, it is an absolute travesty that Buck O'Neil isn't in the Hall of Fame so if this stunt somehow get these a-holes to get him into the Hall while he's still kicking, I'm cool with it. If I'm Buck, I offer to arm wrestle Selig to get into the Hall. My money's on Buck.

The British Open starts tomorrow and everyone buzzing about various storylines: is Tiger going to bounce back and defend his '05 British Open win? Is Nippleson going to bounce back from his temporary misguided moment of self-confidence at the US Open? Could Vijay beat a 7 year old at a mini golf course? Why the hell are they going back to Royal Liverpool after 39 years away? Look for fairways like parking lots and a rather short course. I like Geoff Ogilvy...and belgian waffles.

Quick Hits
Jose Canseco won a Home run contest and then gave up 4 runs in a third of an inning at The Cock and Balls Independent League All Star Game. Honestly Minor leagues, where does it end? Suck a baseball through a garden hose night with guest participant Monica Lewinsky? Watch Ron Jeremy take batting practice with his man meat? Clean it up. Jon Lester and Jonathan Papelbon make the Red Sox future look delicious. Now if someone could just drive the pink-hatted bandwagon off a cliff. Floyd Landis sucked it up at the Tour de France this morning, losing his overall leader status. There go the Sheryl Crow hand jobs and ESPY one liners!! Can't Barry Bond just ride off into the sunset with Barbaro?

The Morning Wood - 07/18/2006

Stud: Peter Gammons
I don't care about the Braves blowing out the Cardinals, the Angels current streak (which no one is talking about), blah blah blah. The big news was that Mr. Gammons was released from the hospital yesterday to begin rehab. Great great news.

Dud: Alex Rodriguez
Even in light of a Yankees victory, the $25 million man managed to irk the Yankees fans yet again with 3 errors. He also had to leave the game early due to an "injury." I wonder if he's questioning whether his paycheck is worth being bent over by the fans every night he plays at Yankee Stadium.

Talk Around The Cooler
So Bruce Arena has "landed on his feet" with the Red Bulls of the MLS. Is landing on your feet actually coaching a team named after an energy drink in a less than satisfactory soccer league? What is our baromoter for success when it comes to soccer in this country?

It's always interesting to see doctors go against all medical and ethical logic and concern for their patients and just prescribe them whatever the fuck is requested. That being said, if you had someone like Brentson Buckner breathing down your neck threatening you'd probably do what he told you.

The Kansas City Royals finally get some publicity. Oh wait, it's actually just Doug Mientkiewicz bitching about being called out on trying to pawn a piece of history.

Quick Hits
Apparently one eye is better than two. I like YouTube, so I'll end today's Morning Wood with a video of what happens in a fight when one guy is overmatched and a video homage to the one and only Malik Rose.

The Morning Wood - 07/17/2006

Stud:
Damn it, I don't know if there were many studs out there. I'm tempted to give it to this delectable iced coffee. I guess we'll go with John Senden, who won his first career PGA tournament at the John Deere Classic. Either way, it's certainly not anyone that pitched for the Cubs in the 6th inning against the Mets.

Dud: Keith Davis
Dude, stop getting shot. I'm not buying this innocent bystander shiite either. If you've been shot two times in a three year span, you've got to be doing some dirt. Or your karmic seeds are sprouting bitter fruit. Either way, you're making a run at this fella for most shot up.


Talk Around the Cooler:
Natalie Gulbis' bid to not be a Kournikova fell short as she lost in a sudden death playoff against Jet Li. That being said, she is the LPGA's most marketable asset at this point, as Michelle Wie diddles with the boys and passes out. A women's golfer that I'd love to have wash my balls? Priceless.

Speaking of which, I just realized who I should have made a dud: Michelle Wie. Now it's probably not right for me to call out a 16 year old girl but someone has to. STOP TRYING TO PLAY WITH THE MEN UNTIL YOU'VE WON A WOMEN'S TOURNAMENT!! It just doesn't make any sense to me, and the John Deere classic was a perfect example. You can obviously swing it but there is a reason that there aren't any 16 year olds on the tour: you're inconsistent and just too young damnit. The whole heat exhaustion was just the icing on the cake. If you can't handle the humidity, get your ass back on the women's tour. Just be happy she hasn't eaten you yet.

Quick Hits...
I'm sorry, how the hell can you tell if Barbaro is in a good frame of mind? What does that mean? I have to tell you, saying that Barbaro is in "stable" condition is hilarious to me. Because horses live in stables. There's two meanings to that word there. Get it? Eric Lindros has signed a one year deal with the Dallas Stars, a team he's always hoped to be injured for. Danika Patrick is apparently weighing the decision to switch over to NASCAR. Umm, how about we just shut NASCAR down and we make the decision for you? Also, there's more than one "racing" league in America? What the hell is going on here? While Lance "Vaudeville" Armstrong is yucking it up at the ESPYs and cryerbating to "Strong Enough", there's apparently a Tour de France going on. Oh, who's kidding who, I don't give half a shit. The Red Sox suck.

Dear Lima

With a sudden increase in free time due to an ERA approaching his wife's hotness score (10) and his subsequent designation by the Mets, Jose Lima has decided to join the SU staff part time. In his first column, Lima answers several pressing national questions...

Dear Lima,
What are your thoughts on Israel bombing Lebanon as an attempt to punish Hezbollah for holding two of their soldiers hostage? -Dan G, Cedar Rapids IA

G- Choo gots to look at eet thesse way mayn: why is we bombing hombres when Issreal and Laybahnon shood be dancing wit eash other mayn? I don't know how choo do eet in Cedair Rapidemente, but in Lima Time, dancing wit mayns is how choo resolve issues. It don't matter if He's bollah or choo's a balla, bombing ain't the answer. Choo got to watch thee Middle Eass mayn, cause choo don't want to be paying brazos y piernas para Daddy Yankee Gasolina!! Gasolina!! Dan G, choo want to dance wit Lima? Gasolina!!

Dear Lima,

Have you seen the trailer for "Snakes on a Plane" yet? I think it is going to be one of the best films ever. -Rich F., New York, NY

Reech- Choo goes to look at eet thesse way mayn: how is those snakes on dat plane? Does they sleeep past security? Does they eat peanuts? Does the plane have first class? AH, these questions must be answered first. I reemember in '99, me, Carl Everett, and Derek Bell iss sitting in dee back of dee plane playing domino. I catch out of the corner of my ojo someting moving about, all sleethering. I look over, and choo know what eet was? Hidalgo has his salchicha out of hees fly and hee's waving it at us. Jesús Cristo, we was scared. And dat was just one hombre's snake, choo know?

Dear Lima,

Do you think that Barbaro is going to survive his latest infection? -Ed, Louisville, KY

Ed-Choo goes to look at eet thesse way mayn: In Lima Time, we don't have no stinkin' horses, we gots unicornios. Ay Barbaro, why the cara larga? HAHA, eet gets mee urry tiempo. Theese horse, eee will be hokay, eee weell live and bee put out to stud. Ay, thas not so bad Bebero eh?? You in Lima Time for a horse muchacho. Ed, what ees this place KY? Lima's wife ees always buying KY thees, KY dat: KY ees place? Ahh, no matter, what ees this, "Dear Ed"? HAHA, no! Ees Dear Lima! Adios muchachos, until next week.

The Morning Wood - 07/14/2006

Stud: Ben Roethlisberger
This guy must have enormous moronic testicles. We've learned that Evil Knievel was seconds away from death following that little motorcycle accident of his, but he is still undecided as to whether he'll get back on the deathtrap of a horse for more Sunday afternoon helmetless cruisin'. Seriously, stud. Does anyone else have this combination of bravery/ignorance/stupidity? Well, maybe one guy. A great quote from Ben: "...it's one of those things that I ride with a helmet also. I do a little bit of both. If you don't wear a seat belt every time you ride in the car should I label you as a person who doesn't wear a seat belt? And unfortunately I happened to not have it on that day because I forgot it in the basement." Well Ben, if a guy smokes crack only on Sundays, but is clean Mon.-Sat., should he be labeled as a guy who smokes crack? Um, yes. And you should be labeled accordingly as well. And forgot it in the basement? At least go w/"my dog ate it." Much more believable.

Dud: Mark Loretta
Hate to knock this yeoman-like second baseman, but he had a simply awful error that cost the Sox the game last night. He narrowly wins the Dud award over the guy who records Red Sox games in his basement w/a camcorder pointed at the television.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Looks like Paul Pierce has signed a contract extension w/the Cs. If he had done this two years ago, I would have been dead-set against it, but now, I couldn't be happier. I'd say he's one of the 10 best players in the NBA, and in crunch time, top 3. W/the young nucleus maturing each day, I forsee good things for Boston. This news happens on the same day that DWade and Lebron sign 3-year deals. Probably perfect for Wade, b/c he'll have the option of jumping ship just as Shaq fades out of NBA and into law enforcement. I'd be surprised if TheBron signed w/Cleveland in 2009.

Quick Hits...
As a general rule, guys should stop making time-of-the-month jokes when girls their age actually start having times-of-the-month.

Does "face only a mother could love" even apply here?

2:1 this guy is schtupping Eva Longoria w/in 7 months.

When has mortgaging your future for relief pitching ever worked out well? When? When???!!! Is Isiah Thomas running the Reds behind the scenes?

Pondering from the 'Pen

Jayson Stark made such a big deal about Ryan Howard and David Ortiz getting multiple baseballs wet in the Home Run Derby this week but he fails to come up with a figure for the amount of panties David Wright got wet.
Ah yes, just what I needed in July, Sean Salisbury telling me who is going to win the Super Bowl. I hope John Clayton beats you up.
Congratulations to Edgar Renteria for not shitting his pants when he saw the "B" on David Ortiz's hat. He's really more comfortable now.
This whole Materazzi-Zidane is going to go on and on unless we come up with a reasonable solution. That solution? Yo Momma! Here's a potential interaction:

Materazzi: If you were to enter the US, their terror alert color would change.
Zidane: If I were to enter your wife, her frown would change.
Materazzi: Your hairline starts all the way back when France was a superpower.
Zidane: Your country is shaped like a boot, which is also what your wife likes me to wear when I enter her.
Materazzi: Pele called and told me you were quite the matchup.
Zidane: Your mother gets her pasta recipes from Olive Garden.

Ben Roethlisberger was told that he was seconds from death after his motorcycle accident. This was not the first time he was that close to death, as he once considered raw dogging this STD pin cushion. You just know she's got the Germ.
I noticed Barry Bonds had a "DNP-rest" the other night. I think he has a chance for some other great DNP reasons: DNP-Blind date with white chick, DNP-Head can't fit through dugout entrance, DNP-Everybody's racist, DNP-Reporters hurt my feeling, DNP-Incarcerated, DNP- Chasing Aaron...Neville.
Having an WNBA All Star game is like having Glass Ceiling Polishing as an Olympic Event.
Jim Eriotes, an 83 year old man, became the oldest person to appear in a professional baseball game when he struck out for the Sioux Falls Canaries. He was immediately added to the list of players that Yankees fans would rather have up in a clutch situation than Alex Rodriguez.
Fernando Tatis, where have you gone?

The Morning Wood - 07/13/2006

In all honesty, yesterday was the slowest day in sports. No professional sports activity whatsoever to speak of. And if you want to say, but what about the WNBA All-Star game? I'll reply by saying, there was no professional sports activity to speak of. That being said, my stud/duds today are not based on any athletic achievements from last night.

Studs: Sam Cassell, Peja Stojakovic, Chris Bosh, Radmonovic. They may make a bit more money than I do.

Dud: The ESPY's.
What the fuck is the point of having an awards show if you're going to announce all the winners leading up to the airing of the event? I'm angry!

Talk Around The Cooler:

I can only see the joking about Danica Patrick getting more comical when she starts winning races. Jokes from fellow drivers such as, "Danica's trip to the winner's circle is a momentous occassion...but it won't be as amazing as me getting into her winner's circle."

HUGE WHEELING AND DEALING in the MLB right now! Most notable deal? Houston gives away spare car parts for Aubrey Huff. This frankly isn't going to pan out. The last time Aubrey Huff played a meaningful game was probably when he was at the U. of Miami. He'll crack under the pressure of purposely not providing run support for Roger Clemens. I dare you to make any comments about him in a Yankees uniform. I hope he's not what you're focusing on. You f*cking Mariotti.

So, Big Ben (hate that nickname) was "seconds" away from death as a result of his accident. He won't say whether or not he'll ride a motorcycle again - which means he probably will. And if he does, I'm assuming something like this will happen, causing him to then decide to wear a helmet next time around.

Quick Hits:
Breaking news - Bonds did steroids. What the fuck happened? This has "Best World Cup Ever" written all over it. It'll be great to see players living in shantytowns and trudging their way to worn down stadiums via dirt roads. I'm really surprised Jose Canseco is involved with anything having to do with steroids.

The Morning Wood - 07/12/06

Stud: The American League
Let's just say the Senior Circuit is looking a little long in the old dentures. The AL once again beat the NL in "the game that matters". Note to Bug Selig: if the AL continues their 10 year unbeaten streak (so happy you decided to end the game in a tie, other wise I would be able to say "winning streak"), the game will once again not matter. You might as well just hand the AL homefield in the World Series every year. Much love to Michael Young for the game winning triple and Ozzie Guillen for not calling Tim McCarver any sort of offensive slur when he was interviewing you mid game on Fox. Lord knows I would have. AL ---- NL

Dud: Carmelo Anthony
Dawg, check your posse. Now no one cares if you smoke the herb or drink on purple stuff or even smuggle some ish in through customs. You're no birdman, they won't toss you out of the league. But you've got to stop your crew from tossing greenery in your backpack, in your car, in your girl...I'm just saying, don't go all these guys on us just yet.

Talk Around the Cooler:

Here comes the second half of the baseball season, the home stretch if you will. It's going to be an exciting year, stop being a prude. Other than the NL Least, the division races are going to be toight, very toight. I see the Red Sox, White Sox, and A's winning the divisions in the east with the Tigers grabbing the wild card. In the NL, we have the Mets, Cards, and Dodgers, with the Padres backing in to the playoffs as the wild card. Don't rule out the Astros, Baseball Jesus pitches for them. We'll hold off on the playoff predictions for now. Why? 'Cause I said so!

The guy that caught Barry Bonds' 715th HR ball is going to auction it off.
This ball will probably not be worth too much once Bonds throws the home pinstripes on. Great for the collector who loves 2nd place items. Would be perfect in a collection with a draft of an Al Gore inauguration address, a Russian Cold War Scorecard, and Matt Hasselback's jock.

Quick Hits...
Lebron signs an unusual 3 year contract, Dwyane Wade is likely to follow. Still no news about Darko's plans. JJ Redick's back will cause him to miss tryouts for team USA, a team that he had no chance of making unless they enacted the "preppy college white boy clause" that got Christian Laettner on the dream team. The NBA Salary cap is set at $53.135 million for next year. With the $3.6 million increase, the Knicks are now within $80 million of the cap. Mike James signed with the TWolves for an amount that Latrell Spreewell probably couldn't feed his kids on.

The Morning Wood - 07/11/2006

Stud: Ryan Howard
The reigning Rookie of the Year took the Home Run Derby crown last night in a very impressive performance. The HRD is always a good time, w/crazy hispanics running around doing crazy things while holding their cute kids. It's like a cross between a daycare center and some Telemundo gameshow, and everyone loves it. This is the second year in a row that a Phillie has won, meaning the city of brotherly love has some top-notch HGH. Seeing the view from ESPN's booth in center field reminded me of two things: 1. How freaking far these dudes crush the ball, and 2. How much I wish one would strike this guy in the dome.

Dud: Hit it Here
On his winning swing, Ryan Howard knocked the "Hit it Here" sign in deep right-center. Normally, this would give some fan a hefty monetary sum, say $1 million. Now, some asshole company has chosen to give 500 free roundtrip flights to the "lucky" winner. Who has a job where, over 35 years of employment, they would be able to take 500 vacations? And even if they could, who would be able to afford travelling that much? Useless. For some reason this enraged me last night. You too? No? Shut it.

Talk Around the Cooler:
I had a feeling that Lebron's talk of a 3-year extension w/a player option for the 4th would create a shitstorm of activity with the other signees, and it apparently has. James, Wade, Melo and Bosh have so much bargaining power that they'll be able to command basically whatever they want, so I wouldn't be surprised if at least three of them go this route. I can see Wade sticking to the max deal b/c he's in the best situation, but the other three aren't sure if their organizations will be commited to winning (Bosh, especially, after the Raptors recently traded away their future). Not sure if this is good for the game, but I can't argue w/them.

Quick Hits...
Honestly, who gives a shit? Barbaro, the next time you are a part of my life, you better be in adhesive form.

Why's the diamond got to be black? Amazing that Bode can take time away from his rustic mountain gym to do some charity work.

I hate the Italians. Looks like he might have called the Algerian-born Zizou a "terrorist." Some real gems from Materazzi: "I am not a cultured person and I don't even know what an Islamist terrorist is." Right. "For me, the mother is sacred, you know that." He did not respond to rumors that the comment that set Zidane off was, "The jerkstore called: they're running out of you."

That's Amore!

Not to harp on a now completed World Cup, but I can't help but think some people have things coming to them. And by "some people" I mean Marco Materazzi. The nice little clip below shows us how much of a sportsman this lovely Italian has proven to be throughout his professional soccer career. I don't really condone Zidane's actions yesterday, but I do understand. Enjoy, bitches.

The Morning Wood - 07/10/2006

Stud(s): Italian Soccer Team
This is more of an obligatory stud than a congratulatory one. The flopping, diving and Oscar-worthy displays of the Azzuri paid off. That's about all I have to say. Can't write this without mentioning Zidane's bone-headed antics towards the end of the game. I've never seen a head butt to the chest knock someone off their feet. Actually, I've never seen a head butt to the chest. Either Zidane is a supremely powerful man or the Iti is as gay as we'd all presume. I assume it's the latter. FIFA needs to get diving out of the game - it's ruins the game. At least for us uninformed Americans. It's kind of hard for us Yankees to watch American football and see a QB get blindsided by a 290-pound lineman get right up off the ground but a guy on the pitch get tripped and lay on the ground like he just got stabbed by Ray Lewis.

Should Be Stud - Roger Federer
This man is pretty talented. Four Wimbledon titles in a row, only one set lost the entire tournament. With eight grand slam titles, he's already ahead of John McEnroe and already tied with Jimmy Connors, Ivan Lendl and Andre Agassi. He's only 24.

Womens Rights Movement Stud - Amelie Mauresmo.
I know, I know - she's a man - blah blah blah. But there's nothing we can do about it. I know she's ruining the sport. Men shouldn't be allowed to play women's sports. It tilts the level of competition. There, I said it.

Dud: Roderick Green
Who the fuck is Roderick Green? A nobody on the Ravens who got stabbed last night. Good thing Ray Lewis wasn't anywere near the premises. Shit would have hit the fan and no one would have come out of that bowling alley alive, including Roderick Green.

Talk Around The Cooler:
Danica Patrick is investigating the possibilities of accomplishing nothing in another league. Hopefully dedicated NASCAR fans like this guy will take a liking to her.

So, after thinking they had their future tied up for 5 years, out comes the possibility that LeBron James actually has the ability to opt out of his contract after 3 seasons. Probability that he'll opt out after 3 seasons? Same probability that this guy will apologize for nothing again - and then go right back to cheating...again. He's not an All-Star. I am angry today.

WE'RE GONNA MISS HIM!!!! (inside joke)

Barbaro, why the long face? Gets me everytime. Ronaldinho, why the long face?

Quick Hits:
There's nothing better than the promotions in minor league baseball.

If you think it's hard being Michael Jordan, imagine being Allen Heckard.

Just so you guys know, the Carolina Panthers are going to win the Super Bowl. Mark Schlereth, Mike Golic and Sean Salisbury "steak" have made all the predictions for this upcoming season and we know they'll come true. Why even watch any of the games?

Seems like I have a case of the Mondays...

Possible Cialis Western Open Slogans

This year, it's been Lengthened
Where the fairways are always hard
What's in your bag?
Forget your short game here
Got Wood?
Where erections are par for the course
Either way, Mickelson's wife wins!
No one has to play the flop
Come watch Villegas fight the Battle of the Bulge!

Crisis Averted: LeBron Re-Signs

The blue-collar den of depression, otherwise known as the city of Cleveland, is collectively breathing a sigh of relief as LeBron James finally agreed to sign a 5-year, $80 million dollar extension. Now, if they can surround him with something other than bush league talent in the coming seasons, I won't disagree with this decision.

Ric Bucher, the clairvoyant that he is, stated on ESPN last night that there wasn't a chance LeBron would sign with the Cavs. My thinking was that I wholeheartedly agree with him. When you play with a guy whose true love isn't basketball but strippers, and another guy who moonlights as the mayor of New Orleans, it might make sense to sit back for a year and take a good look at where the team is heading.

At least something is going right for Cleveland in the sports world unlike instances such as: Mr. Hafner getting hosed in All-Star, this "fuckin' soldier" pulling a Roethlisberger before Big Ben was ever mentioned in NFL circles and this guy taking the only thing worth mentioning about the city away from them a number of years ago. At least LeBron is optimistic about the team's future. I'm not with this guy leading the charge.

Welcome to Lima Time

Allo, I am beisbol’s Jose Lima. I will be yo’ guide into…Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeema Time. Had a rough day at work mayn? Isss Lima Time baby. Your wife leave choo for anutha hombre? Isss all good baby, iss Lima Time! What isss Lima Time choo ask? I iss vurry happy choo ask.
Lima Time is a place where choo can unwind. Choo want yellow hair? Choo got yellow hair!! Choo want to dance? Choo got dancin!! Choo want to dance wit other mayns?? Choo got dancin with mayns!! Choo want to sneeff my wife?? Ha, no, thas just for Lima!!
Come to Leema Time baby. 84 MPH 4 seam fastballs? They don't get hit here homey!! Listen to dee salsaa muchacho!! Choo know what time it iss? ISSS LIMA TIME!!! Come on in, dee Coronas iss cold, the water iss warm (ignore zee yellow color, maybe Lima get too relaxed ay?), and zee womens is hotta!!

The Morning Wood 07/07/06

Every once in a while, you don't get morning wood. Sorry for the absence yesterday, I hope it makes this one seem better than it actually is.

Stud: Nomar Garciaparra

After injury tainted 2004 and 2005 seasons, many assumed that he was just going to ride off into the sunset with this horse, but the much maligned one bounced back this year and the fans rewarded him with an all star berth. He's also riding a tidy 18 game winning streak currently. Congrats to Nomar, sorry about the whole trading you to win a championship thing.

Dud: Douche Bag Internet Voters

I agree with the Nomar, as you know from a second ago, but AJ Pierzynski? Okay, so he's hitting .326 but it's with 5 and 28. This fella doesn't make it? Or him? Unless this is a "most punchable" competition, there is no reason to have AJ the A-Hole there. This is exactly what our founding fathers were worried about when they were forming our country: bad internet voting.

Talk Around the Cooler:

The three Knick rookies from last year's Larry Brown Experiment let off some steam at a summer league practice. You know, say what you want about Stephon Marbury, but he is definitely man enough to state his issues when LB was still at the helm unlike these young whipper snappers. And yeah, Nate Robinson, when Larry Brown was taking your joy away, was it kind of like how I felt when you had to attempt a dunk 112 times at the Dunk Contest before getting one down? Or was it different than that? Just checking.

We are rapidly approaching another Federer vs. Nadal final at a Grand Slam and I'm pumped. If Fed can take Captain Bulge (pronounced Bol-jay) and Pipes can knock off Captain Jack Sparrow, we are headed for another showdown. My money is on Federer showing Nadal what playing tennis on a real surface feels like. These are the only people who should really be playing on clay.

Quick Hits...
Eric Gagne has lower back pain that is apparently unrelated to baseball "activity". Let's hope, just for the mental picture, that he aggravated it during his gravy stroke. David Ortiz and Jim Thome are having a shwhord fight this year, and each hit two home runs last night to bring their totals up to 29 a piece. Anyone else imagine them sprinting down the beach together during the offseason? Ashley Lelie skipped a Broncos minicamp, apparently sick of being overpaid for what he produces every year instead of being INSANELY overpaid for what fantasy football magazines predict he will produce annually. I'm pretty sure Amelie Mauresmo could squeeze juice out of a bowling ball. Speaking of tennis and something with three holes open to the public, you are walking down the path to her. What have you done for me lately?

Enjoy the weekend, especially the Red Sox-White Sox series, the Wimbledon Finals, and of course the World Cup Finals. I'll be the only person in Rhode Island not rooting for the Italian team.

The Morning Wood - 07/05/2006

Stud: Takeru Kobayashi

Apparently it's going straight to his thighs. TK won his sixth straight Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest by chomping 53 3/4 weiners in 12 minutes *insert childish laugh*. Pretty sure I may or may not have done the same this weekend, but I was too drunk to remember. It's pretty clear that this is the greatest binging performance since this. Unfortunately, Kobayashi's main competition was still in Germany.

Dud: Benny the Bull

When mascots fight other mascots, it's funny. However, when they start throwing down w/law enforcement, things get serious (check out the last two paragraphs - I love ESPN). This toro has a history of violence, too. He clearly needs a heifer to take care of his needs, and I think I know where to find one in the Chicago area. Oprah weight zinger!

Talk Around the Cooler:
It appears that the Bulls have reached a multi-year deal w/Big Ben Wallace. As far as this Untertainer is concerned, this is huge, and will make Chicago the immediate frontrunner in the East. They gave Miami a serious scare this year, and a starting lineup of Hinrich, Gordon, Nocioni, Chandler and Wallace is formidable, especially w/Deng, Duhon and Tyrus Thomas coming off the bench. Detroit was so shook that they went out and signed Nazr Mohammad, and are currently in talks w/this guy's agent.

Quick Hits...
When a punter defines your football team, you've gone through a rough stretch.

I can't wait until my Women of the LPGA Tour swimsuit calander comes in the mail.

Who knew that July 4th coincided w/mediocre white guy signing day. Weird.

France vs. Portugal today. Viva Les Bleus!

The Morning Wood - 07/03/2006

Stud: Francisco Liriano

The Domincan import is clearly on par with other All-Star pitchers, especially Mark "Trail of Tears" Redman. 8IP, 3 hits against and 12 K's. Thanks for cleaning up guys!

Dud: Alex Rodriguez
2 Home runs, seven RBI's, maybe he was born with those lips, maybe it's Maybelline. ARod managed to hit the first homerun of his career that actually gave his team the lead. Most overrated 3rd baseman since this handsome fella.

Talk Around the Cooler

Your coworkers probably are afraid to talk about a black man robbing something but we had to mention Gary Matthew Jr's catch last night. We can't find the video so look it up yourself. Best catch of the year, and no, I'm not going to put up another nude Kathy Bates photo.

Speaking of black people robbing, how about these NBA deals? This one, this one, and this one. All I know is the Celts got a bargain last year. Maybe Nene can buy a last name now. Or at least some health.

Quick Hits
Pedro Martinez is missing his next start with a sore hip. My 90 year old grandmother says he's a pussy. If only Mrs. Cremins would have played with the balls a little bit more. Mannika Sorenstam is tearing Fat Hurst apart in the US Open. David Beckham gave up his captaincy of the English team yesterday. He still looks in charge here though.

Quick Note: we apologize for the poor quality of this Morning Wood. Giddy plus Hasmitt equals zero interesting thoughts.

Live Blog, Brazil vs. France

It is the Fourth of July Weekend and the three Sports Untertainers have rendezvoused with friends in Plymouth MA for a jolly good time. We are watching the Brazil France World Cup Match and will be doing a live running blog of the events. Unfortunately, we didn't start until the 31st minute...

Or the 34th minute...

34:00 Zidane kind of looks bald

35:00 Ronaldinho, why the long face?

36:30 There are blacks in France?

37:00 Cafu dated Evita

38:15 If you don't like quality soccer, the MLS is playing at 6 pm tonight

39:57 Ronaldo can't finish eating an entire fried chicken quickly enough to jump for a cross

44:00 Juan gets a yellow card and will miss the next match if Brazil advances. He'll probably spend it picking beans.

45:00 Brazil sets up a wall, France runs away.

46:00 Ronaldo attemps to argue that it wasn't a hand ball, but the refs find chicken grease on the ball and he is booked.

Halftime It has been an equal struggle between France and Brazil and Giddy and the English language

45:30 Zidane takes a forearm shiver to the rogaine and WE'RE BACK!

51:20 Henry almost takes a kick to the face. Yep.

55:40 Amazingly out of place "We're going to miss him!" by the announcer after Zidane heads a ball at mid field

56:58 GOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAL!!!!!!!! There are blacks in France?

59:50 "The flag is up" is a humorous way to say you have an erection

63:45 Roberto Carlos is booked for palming his own ass

66:30 Henry gives Le Thumb's Up

67:20 Michael Strahan's front teeth have better spacing than Brazil right now

69:45 Ronaldo trips over his own FUPA

75:30 Cafu applies a nicotine patch to Dida

78:12 We've got a high ten!!

79:48 And Raja Bell takes down Kobe

81:46 And we have a fair catch!!

87:20 Taye Diggs disagrees

Final Le France Le Wins!!!