The Morning Wood - 01/15/2007

Ladies and gents, after a long absence from this half-assed blog, I'm fully ready to make a quarter-assed return. On with the show!

Stud: Gilbert Arenas
Agent Zero dropped 51 on the Jazz last night, including a buzzer-beating, game-winning triple to seal the victory in our nation's capital. I think it's also the second time in the last week or so that he's hit a game-winner and celebrated before the ball went in. Normally, I'd be upset that, with a tie ballgame, some whuss guard launched a 27'er instead of taking it to the rack, but with Gilbert, it just makes sense. There's no rhyme or reason to anything this guy does. Arenas had been going through a mini-slump, but this should definitely put him back on track. Remember when Team USA chose Bruce Bowen over him? Yeah, that was awesome. My one beef w/Gil was that he was so smooth that it used to seem like he coasted through games, then all of a sudden, you'd look up at the jumbotron and see that he had 30. Now, he lets you know who the best player on the court is for 48 minutes. Love this guy. He's so funky, he'll wil'out and do the Elaine dance right in front of Steve Javvy.

Dud: Joe Dumars
Is Chris Webber really what the Pistons need to jumpstart their season? It's like adding George Burns to a sputtering comedy tour, only w/worse knees. Their verticals might be identical at this point. And yes, I realize Burns is dead. Look at that second highlight. Look at any of them. Now, he makes Jerome James look nimble. He and Britany Spears neck and neck in the 21st century's "largest distance travelled on a fall from grace" award. Hopefully he'll take minutes away from Rasheed Wallace (their #2 scoring option and best defender), Antonio McDyess (best bench option), Jason Maxiell (high-energy youngester) and Nazr Mohammed (sucks, but is still better than CWeb). Oh wait, they're going to spin the Naz for Marko Jaric. That should help, umm, opposing backup point guards? Joe, the statue of limitations on the Rasheed/Chauncey/Rip moves is just about up. This better work out.

Talk Around the Cooler:
So the Patriots did the Shawne Merriman dance on the Chargers logo after the game. Now, admittedly, I'm not a Pats fan, but with the exception of the cheapshotartist Rodney Harrison, they've conducted themselves w/class during their Super Bowl run. This, however, was not only shameless, but really not the reaction of a confident team. The Pats have been doing a lot of strange things this year: early-season sulking, an over-the-top division championship celebration, too many shots of a smiling Belichick-- something just seems a little off. The thing that really irked me about the championship Patriots was their calm aura of superiority; I hated it b/c my team didn't have it. Now, it's just gone. I like them to finally lose to the Colts, which should ruin the lives of at least 12 sports-radio idiots. Also, in next year's Pats/Bolts matchup, I like LT to rush for 1,800 yards in one game, break both of Roosevelt Colvin's ankles, then slash the tires of the gurney, take a whizz on Pat Patriot, have a 3-way w/Belichick's wife and daughter after the game, videotape it, and publish it on the internet. You watch.

Quick Hits...
Did anyone know that the Aussie Open was going on? I'm not sure Roger Federer even knew, and he's already won a match. Are they letting anyone who owns a tennis racket enter tournaments at this point? I'm pretty sure that guy ripped my movie stub today. At least Maria Sharapova is back in all her fist-pumping, orgasm-noise-making, OK-looking glory. David Beckham at 5 years, $250 million? What happens if he gets hurt? The MLS folds, right? The league can't be worth more than $16.50. Who is insuring this contract? Actually, all of these questions take a backseat to my two favorite imports related to this deal. I would be impressed, but honestly, they're just beating a bunch of girls.