ESPN Sucks

The title says it all. ESPN sucks, but I still love it anyway. Does that make sense? No, but it does at the same time. What? Exactly. My love affair with the all-day sports network is starting to wane and I don't see that changing anytime soon. Between annoying TV personalities, shameless self promotion, the hawking of ESPN mobile and fairy tale stats, I don't know how much longer I can deal with it.

SportsCenter Stats
I'm starting to think that ESPN just makes up stats to create a "better" story - sound familiar? An example of things we've seen:
- Athletes witih the most RBI when the sky is blue in the months of April and May
- Avg. # of Intangibles Derek Jeter brings to the game vs. other athletes
- Highest PPG with 2:24 minutes or less remaining in games
- Avg. # of God awful stats appearing on each SportsCenter episode


God Awful Pandering To Every Single Athlete
Just thinking back to Stuart "Lazy Eye" Scott's recap of the Cowboys-Saints game last night, he made two Reggie Bush plays seem like we've never seen anything like them ever. One play was a pass to Bush in the flat, the other was a 9-yard run. The rush, which was pedestrian at best, was a "crazy great 9-yard gain" in Stuart Scott's eyes. Yes - "crazy great." What the fuck? But wait, "Reggie's in our ESPN Mobile commercials - you have to talk him up, guys. "

When's the last time an ESPN personality actually tried to ask an athlete a difficult question. And don't give me that "Budweiser Hot Seat" bullshit where the hardest questions amount to "who would you rather have on your team, an injured Peyton Manning or a healthy Ryan Leaf?" Fuck Brett Favre. Don't cozy up to him and ask about his facial hair - question him about why he held the franchise hostage the entire offseason? Gene Wojciechowski is saying Tiger Woods is the best individual athlete ever. Let's not debate whether golf is a sport or not for the time being. Let's also disregard what Bill Russell, Jesse Owens, Michael Jordan, Wayne Gretzy did and who they competed against.

ESPN Personalities.
Bonnie Bernstein, get your ass out of the Red Sox dugout and do your fucking job. Don't worry - Gabe Kapler and Kevin Youkilis will be around after the game to "take care of you." Joe Morgan - stop being Joe Morgan. It would help if you actually offered some kind of insight during the games rather than repeating and rephrasing an observation of yours 5 different times. Orestes Destrade - who the fuck is Orestes Destrade? Orel Herschiser - get him away from those kids at the LLWS. He looks way to happy to be there, and we know why. Peter Gammons - please come back. How 'bout you guys lighten up with the sexual harassment policy and re-hire Harold Reynolds so HE can take down Bonnie Bernstein (if he hasn't already) instead of the BoSox. How great was it when trying to say happy birthday to Papi's kid he said "Feliz Navidad?" That's great commentating, ladies and gentleman. Chris "Combover" Berman - need I say anything? Skip fuckin' Bayless.

ESPN Era
I, along with others am thankful that we have ESPN. But damnit, give me a break with this "best performance of the ESPN Era," "greatest player of the ESPN Era." stuff. I didn't realize that with the birth of ESPN, the way sports were played actually changed. Give me a break. What a goddamn, instant history, look-at-me now stance.

ESPN Mobile
Stop it. Just stop it. Nobody wants your phone. And promoting it left and right isn't going to entice me. You're like the ugly girl that keeps coming on to me because you think my standards are so low that there's no chance I could turn you down. Granted, my standards are low, but not that low (probably shouldn't be saying that, considering I have a girlfriend).

I could go on, but I'll stop with these gripes, for now. Don't think I don't take issue with: Scrabble/Spelling Bee/Poker/Dominoes being considered sports, televised high school games/commitment announcements, Sal Masekela's forced racial confusion, the useless heartwarming story that needs to be aired during SportsCenter every Sundays, Sean Salisbury vs. John Clayton, Jay Mariotti/Mike Lupica getting any kind of air time...