The Morning Wood - 12/29/2006

Sorry about our lack of consistency this week adoring fans. Giddy is recharging his batteries by doing squats and eating tempura blowfish and Vza is busy stuffing stockings (unrelated to Christmas) and scouting real estate. We'll be back up to full strength and half-wittedness shortly.

Stud: Barry Zito
Well I guess it has to go to him. Are the Giants aware of his three year trends (nope, it doesn’t sound good coming out of my mouth. Bill James saying that)? Anyway, the move to the NL should disguise his fall off for the first couple years but I don’t like this contract at all. Two things: Imagine how many wicked sweet guitars Zito can buy now. And imagine Zito and Barry Bonds having a conversation about anything. No seriously. What are they talking about? Peter Frampton? Woodstock? White women?

Dud: Man, there are a lot of duds today. I’m excited.

Alyssa Milano
Probably should have waited that one out huh? So what he made you dress up in a Tim Hudson jersey and chew Red Man during fellatio? Imagine the rock you could be wearing right now.

The person that’s going to have to sow the veil that is supposed to cover Martina Hingis’ forehead when she gets married
Maybe the person will be able to borrow a ship’s sail or something. Wowza!

Bob Knight
He whiffed on his first opportunity to pass Dean Smith for the all time winningest NCAA men’s basketball coach. He will obviously get another win this season, but it has taken him 5 more years than Smith to reach this total, which is no small number. Not to mention that Pat Summit is truly the all time winningest NCAA basketball coach with 913 victories. Broads dig it when I mention things like this.

Talk Around the Cooler...
Well, I think everyone and their mother has named a Sportsman of the Year and there is an interesting group out there: Ladanian Tomlinson, Vince Young, Dwyane Wade, Drew Brees, Roger Federer, Tiger Woods. Let me say two things (which will probably be closer to five): Fuck David Eckstein. I’m so sick of people even mentioning him as a real athlete. He’s short, he’s white, congratulations, so is the dude that I call for systems help when I forget my password. He’s not getting any media shine. He should though (hell of a job Don). Two, I don’t necessarily like the extra factors that always go into these discussions: Dwyane Wade overcoming a poorly spelled first name, Vince Young recovering from apparently being a Wonderlic moron, Drew Brees singlehandedly draining the water out of New Orleans with a forward pass. I want utter dominance of a sport and for that, my choice is Roger Federer. I’m not even going to tell you his stats for the season. You can check them yourself.

Quick Hits:
Oh dear. I could easily make some joke about this being a tryout for the Bengals but I think we’re both better people than that. Right? Right. Resident Eye-tie expert Johnny Mac disagrees with Ohio State, saying that the main violation was that the meatballs weren’t made with bread blessed by the Pope that was left in partial sun for 4 days but rather constructed with bread crumbs. Well why don’t you stick your comments in your stupid little secret bowl and see if that solves the problem? Pussy. And his potential start has been downgraded to "probably not going to matter either way".

The Morning Wood - 12/27/2006

Stud: Jeff Garcia
Sure, the numbers aren’t that great from Sunday: 15/23 for 238 yards with a TD and a pick. But Garcia has now led the Eagles to four straight victories and one win away from the NFC East title while T.O. continues to whine about a lack of touches in Dallas. Who’s gay now T.O.? This just in: Brian Dawkins looks like Wayne Brady.

Dud: Arizona Diamondbacks
The only thing in Arizona that should have an interest in Randy Johnson for anything is a retirement community. Are you aware that he’s 43 years old? That he doesn’t have a back any longer? That he had an ERA of 5 last year? If the Yankees are willing to pay half his salary and expect nothing in return, then do the deal but don’t start trading prospects for the Big Eunich. You can’t replace the likes of Russ Ortiz so quickly!

Talk Around the Cooler...
It seems that every year we slip a little bit deeper into a disgruntled world of sports hell, driven there by players that are empowered by GMs and owners to get away with anything they want. I understand that you want to harness the potential of these stars but sometimes all the talent in the world doesn’t translate into more success when you’re dealing with major A-holes. T.O. is driving Bill Parcells insane in Dallas, Ron Artest went from being the long lost Maloof brother to refusing to play for Sacramento; the list could go on and on. There is a difference between these idiots and the Allen Iverson situation in Philly: A.I. did request a trade but he never dogged it on the court or bad mouth the franchise to the press. That’s why he will succeed in Denver: it wasn’t A.I. that was the problem in Philadelphia, it was that the team sucked. I know it is tough for GMs to make the right call on some of these players but here’s some advice for you: once an asshole, always an asshole.

Quick Hits:
I can’t wait until Shaq says Phil has cooties. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww! Pussies. Hufnageled! Yeah, he should really be blamed for calling plays under the assumption that the QB is NFL-quality. Jason Kidd was so upset he wasn’t even in the mood to beat his wife. That award wins Biggest Oxymoron of the Year.

Ken Griffey Jr. Likes Injuries

If I could finger one person (???) as being one of the frailest athletes in my 25 or so years of existence, It would most definitely be Ken Griffey Jr. (honorable mentions go to Grant Hill and Anfernee Hardaway).

Apparently, Ken Griffey broke his left hand in a To Be Disclosed injury. My inside sources tell me he likely tried to pick up a fork and then shit went haywire. Whatever the actual reason for the injury is, I'm hoping it's better than these. I can only imagine this happening and Ken Griffey Jr. writhing in pain on the floor like a bitch.

The Morning Wood - 12/20/2006

Stud: Amare Stoudemire
You say microfracture, I say macrosack! The manchild (is that his nickname, or Dwight Howard's, Greg Oden's, or all of theirs?) went for 28 and 10 in 28 minutes last night, leading the Suns to a 115-98 victory over the Raptors. Granted, he was being guarded by the physical specimens of RA-sho NESTER-ovic and Jorge Garbajosa (nicknames: childman), but Stoud has been tossing up ridiculous numbers while leading the Suns to a 15-game winning streak - something that no one seems to be talking about. He's shooting a mind-blowing, anti-Eddie House 63% from the field and averaging 18/8 in only 28 minutes of play. Watching the way he's come back from this operation after only a year of down time, I'm questioning all of your work ethics (we're going Euro on that last one).

Dud: David Stern
I know it's a couple days old, and we sort of touched on it yesterday, but shit, the number of games are ridiculous. Doesn't this type of thing happen on the reg in the NHL, and surely more often and on a grander scale in the MLB? Yet you're throwing out 15 games to possibly the game's biggest star, whereas you rarely see anything more than 5 given out in baseball? I think that there's an element of subtle racism here, kind of like when my colleague giddy goes into Macy's and buys some pleated khaki Dockers. I can't see why else there would be such a discrepency, and while I'll listen to the argument that there's no real barrier between the fans and players, making a melee more dangerous and thus needing to be severely discouraged, I don't buy it, especially because one such incident has happened in sixty years of NBA basketball, and that was sparked by the fans themselves. Not only that, but the suspensions forced the Nuggets' hand in the AI dealings. More on that . . . now.

Talk Around the Cooler:
While without the suspensions, the Nuggets probably could have pried Iverson away without giving up both of their first round picks this year - a consequence that Stern should feel ultimately responsible for - the trade is going to work out well for both sides. There is a lot of talk about how this isn't going to propel Denver into the West's elite, but I think that's exactly what it does. In this era of the game, we've never seen a team with two scorers capable of averging 30 points a game for an entire season. This isn't to say that they both will, but that scoring tandem is going to give opposing coaches an enormous headache. What team has two top-notch perimeter defenders? Really, we can't clone Trenton Hassell, people. While giving up the draft picks hurts, the Nuggets roster is already pretty crowded, with a solid mix of veteran talent, youthful potential and prostate specialists.

As for the Sixers, Andre Miller is a real steal. At around $9mil per, I'd say he's a pretty good value (weird thing to say), plus he'll be an unselfish distributor for Sir-Chucks-a-Lot and the most athletic man in the NBA. Given these three, plus their own draft pick (certain to be top-5 in an incredibly talented draft pool), plus the Haitian Sensation, Sammy D, they could be a playoff team next year. Yeah, I said it. Not only that, but they'll have money to spent (Joe Smith's expiring deal), plus two more picks later in the draft, one of which they'll probably be able to take a chance on a high-risk, high-reward guy. Huge coup by Billy King, if you ask me.

Quick Hits...
George Karl is my new favorite coach. Preach on! At least when he gets anesthesia, he'll finally have taken an effective shot this year. Ba-zing! This should sway the swing voters. You don't see Jerry Bruckheimer announcing which film he thinks should win an Academy Award. Roy Williams made the Pro Bowl. Pitiful. Ronde and Tiki Barber will be on the same squad, too. Man, they look alike. Because, well, they're twins. Not because...um...forget I said anything. Join Bode on his meaningless win tour.

The Morning Wood - 12/19/2006

Stud: Peyton Manning
Peyton Manning...blah blah blah, no personality and 4 touchdowns...better than his always-moping brother, Eli...threw for 282 yards. Sells his soul for endorsments, blah blah blah, 3 of his touchdowns went to Marvin Harrisons. End of story.

Dud: Knicks/Nuggets Suspensions
No, not because I thought they were too harsh or not harsh enough, but because it's clear that both teams are better without those that were suspended. It's clear from one game that these suspensions won't have any impact. Is it any surprise the Nuggets beat the Wiz without Carmelo Anthony? Of course not. Similarly, look at how the Knicks rallied with key contributor Mardy Collins unavailable. These developments are akin to the Ewing theory - you know, that the Knicks would be (and were) better without Ewing on the court. Way to not shake things up, David Stern. One thing I'm amazed by coming out of this was that ESPN actually did an article on the Fantasy Basketball impact of these suspensions. (If you don't have Insider, I'm sorry). A couple notes about this fight: For all you people calling Carmelo a punk, you've all failed to realized that he hit/slapped/caressed/massaged Mardy Collins with so much force that his whole body pretty much recoiled from the impact - he wasn't running away. Nate Robinson's "put your dukes up" stance is as comical as it gets/I'm feeling his post-game Baby Gap attire. The Mardy Collins "you hit like a bitch" face is magnanimous. I wonder if Jared Jeffries beats up on Mardy Collins in his free time. My assumption is that people were holding Jeffries back, not because of the threat he posed to anybody else on the court/in the arena, but to save him from getting the shit beaten out of him.

Talk Around The Cooler:
All things considered, Terrell Owens is a pretty unique athlete. He's unquestionably one of the best receivers in the league, yet he also leads the NFL in drops. He's writes childrens books about sharing, but all he shares is his disdain for other receivers having passes thrown their way. He's an NFL player, yet he drives this orange beetle. Also, he admits to spitting on DeAngelo "Brown Sugar" Hall but then reneges on that admission once he finds out there's no actual evidence and he's been fined $35K. He's not a confused individual.

So...yeah, that Iverson trade to Denver, or Miami, or Minny. What's going on with that? Of course Billy King/the 76ers are saying they're taking their time. Translation: Billy King has fucked up the franchise so much the only card they can play is to trade the team's best player and hope that Billy King doesn't make another bad deal. And yeah, the 76ers (King) are asking for unreasonable shit that no competent GM would ever agree to. Oh yeah, the main reason Iverson can't be traded - it's because he's black.

Quick Hits:
He needs money. Ladies and gentleman, I introduce to you Mike Tyson's next opponent. So AI is second in Eastern Conference All-Star voting? What happens if he's traded to a Western Conference team?

The Morning Wood - 12/15/2006

Stud: Frank Gore
Unlike Al Gore and his ridiculous lies about Earth being in trouble (he’s probably against the war too! Pinko! Let’s put more holes in Alaska than in the Colts’ run defense! Juneau what I’m saying?), this Gore has one honest platform: chewing up the yards. He rushed for 144 yards last night, and added 34 receiving yards and a TD for the potential NFC West champion 49ers?! (No seriously, they have a shot if Seattle keeps sputtering) He’s got over 1900 yards from scrimmage this year! Willis who? In a related story: Kevan Barlow sucks.

Dud: Bridget Moynahan
Obviously you have no clue who you were dating. Are you aware that Tom Brady is the best quarterback/teammate/spokesperson/son/brother/lover in the world ever? Are you aware of how handsome he is? That this guy has turned down more fanny pack pouzzle than you could possibly fathom? What was it that made you crack? His stoic leadership while ordering you a dinner that he probably wasn’t even going to have to pay for? The eye black that he refused to take off in the bedroom? Those pictures with the goat in GQ? You’re making the biggest mistake of your life sister. Feel free to email me when you stop crying, I don’t need to call Belichick midstroke.

Talk Around The Cooler:
My esteemed colleague Giddy mentioned the Duke rape case and wouldn't you know, there's more news! Talk about anyone's guess as to who is the father of that child. This girl was apparently a semen dartboard leading up to the night of the alleged crime. She stocked up on more genes than a hip Canadian. Sorry, sorry, I got a little bit lost there. America, this isn't a case about race. It isn't a case about class. There isn't even a case. DA Mike Nifong's handling of this case is the only thing criminal about the situation. Here's to hoping that the 3 Duke lacrosse players, even if they are probably pretentious, upper crust a-holes, get cleared before the trial even happens and Nifong faces some type of penalty for his behavior. Actually, let's hope that Nifong is the father of the stripper's child. I smell reality show!

Quick Hits:
ESPN.com should be faced with two charges of perjury for lying to themselves that anyone gives a fuck about this story. Kapowksi! Let’s lighten up people, he didn’t even bring them into a club. At this point, he’s just inventing tournaments to spite me. Make sure you scrowl down there for John Daly's summary of his relationship with his sort of ex-wife. Mrs. Vick has got to be proud. That whole Larry Anderson deal doesn't look so stupid now huh!

The Morning Wood - 12/14/06

Stud: Lamar Hunt
The pioneering Kansas City Chiefs owner died last night of cancer at the age of 74. Here's what makes one a stud:

- Lamar Hunt has been inducted into eight different Halls of fame
- Founder of the AFL and one of the key figures contributing to the merger of the AFL and NFL
- Credited with coining the term Super Bowl
- Founder of MLS (this is where Americans try to play soccer, but it hasnt quite materialized)
- Founding partner of the Chicago Bulls
- Founder of the Dallas Texans (now the Kansas City Chiefs)

Dud: Billy King
This has nothing to do with any recent developments, it has more to do with the fact that this seriously incompetent GM is bungling yet another personnel decision with the 76ers. Why haven't the 76ers won with Allen Iverson? Well maybe it's because the best player that's been on his team was probably a young Jerry Stackhouse or former Defensive Player of the Year, Dikembe Mutombo. Billy King has consistently brought in overpriced and underperforming talent (Chris Webber, Keith Van Horn, etc.), done little to better the personnel and now finds himself inevitably getting less in return for what he's giving up. And instead of making this decision now, would it have been so hard to trade him during the offseason, preventing turmoil within the locker which has unsurprisingly coincided with a 9-game losing streak (and counting)? People that have half a brain, would think so. Love AI. Hate Billy King.

Talk Around The Cooler:
In news that ESPN hasn't covered at all this week, it's official that Daisuke Matsuzaka and the Red Sox have come to an agreement. Lost in all of this is that the Red Sox somehow thwarted Scott Boras' attempts to create an international incident. A few things about this situation. Don't call him a fucking "ace," don't say the deal was a "bargain", don't say the Sox "did it their way" in coming to this deal. The fucking coverage and incessant hyperbole surrounding every aspect of situation is sickening. This fucker hasn't done one thing yet, so don't fucking ascribe value to his deal until he actually does something on the field and has an opportunity to make a decision on his own. Meaning, when he's not taking advice the devil peering over his shoulder.

In news that's bittersweet, the sexy Lindsay Davenport has stated she has "no plans to play again" following the birth of her first child. Sweet: no more Lindsay Davenport on my TV screen. Bitter: Davenport's bringing another mutant into the world. God bless the father of that thing. Love truly knows no bounds.

If you're Vernon Wells, you have a big decision to make. Do you take a fair offer from the Blue Jays for a contract extension, thereby showing your commitment to the team or do you take your services to a team that can actually compete in its division? And where people outside of AL East fans and Toronto will know about you. Being the consummate professional that I am, I'd suggest Vernon say "fuck you, eh!" to the Blue Jays and take his services elswhere.

Quick Hits:
I'm there if this happens. Just imagine all the "talent" that will be "on the field of play" (that was so corny). The Duke case never ends - nor will my hatred of that school, especially their undertalented/overrated "great white hopes."

The Morning Wood 12/13/2006

Stud: Ladanian Tomlinson
So it’s a couple days late but the other LT is running wild this year, breaking Shaun Alexander’s record for TD’s in a season, a record that lasted…one year. Hmm. Although that shouldn’t take anything away from this man’s season. 26 rushing, 3 receiving, and he’s even thrown for two. His multi-faceted game makes it all the more difficult for Marty Schottenheimer to find ways to under utilize him in the playoffs.

Dud: Tracy McGrady's back
I don’t see any real duds from last night so I’m just going to give it to this man’s back. McGrady’s DNP (back) is becoming a yearly event like a Manny Ramirez trade request or a Jerry Jones face lift or an erection for this guy. Aren’t you 27? It’s more sad than anything else as TMac is always good for two or three of those quarters where he drops 25 on some dude’s head and ESPN freaks out and shows it in fast forward (which is kind of cruel when you think of how difficult it must be for Stuart Scott to follow the action). Oh well, at least Houstoners can watch the slow and subtle domination of “Kiwritecheck?”

Talk Around the Cooler:
AI wants a trade, AI wants a trade. I think the 76ers really dropped the ball here by not getting this done in the offseason, although that shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who has watched them hand out ridiculous contracts to one dimensional ball players (you (yes, they're still paying him), you, and definitely you) and bring in Mr. Tyra Banks, even though he has knees made of out pinewood and silly putty. The trade offers were better then because Drunky McChairman Ed Snider hadn’t admitted to the world that AI was not going to play for the franchise ever again and now your season is completely in shambles because you’re dealing with this. People are actually missing the Eric Snow years! P.S. I don’t want AI on the Celtics.

Quick Hits...
Best defense for this: It’s Montana, what the fuck else is there to do? All I hear is “when’s Daisuke signing?” and “where’s AI going?” when the real question people should be asking is “how good looking is Matt Leinart’s baby going to be?” Eric Gagne signed with the Rangers yesterday. His one year deal could be worth up to $11 million if he hits certain incentives like "actually pitch in a game", "own more than two shotguns", "remember the Alamo" and of course "don't make a fan bleed by throwing a chair at them". Gabe Kapler retired today and I can only assume that this will be forever remembered as “The Day that pink hat-wearing groupie band wagon bimbos’ vaginas went dry”. Too much?

The Morning Wood - 12/12/2006

Stud: Devin Hester
Kind of ridiculous, but the stud rook returned another two kickoffs for touchdowns last night while leading the Bears to a 42-27 victory over the team formerly known as The Greatest Show on Turf. The 94- and 96-yard scampers might put this guy in the running for ROY, even though he has more TD returns (6) than tackles (5) on the season. While Devin sites Deion Sanders as his idol/mentor, it's still unclear whether or not it "must be the money." With Hester taking a little pressure off of gunslinger heir-apparent Rex Grossman, RG was able to get his quarterback rating into multiple positive digit territory. This is good, because Mushim Muhammad was starting to get a little bit uncomfortable and self-conscious about that commercial he and Rex made about voting for each other for the Pro Bowl.

Dud: Scott Boras
This man has moronic, soul-less balls of steel. He is demanding "well in excess of $100 million" over five or six years from the BoSox for rookie Daisuke Matsuzaka because that's what "free-agent pitchers who are 26 and have Matsuzaka-like ability" get in free agency. Um, Scott, I'm pretty sure the only pitchers who made even close to that kind of scrilla per annum were Roger Clemens, Mike Mussina, and Andy Pettite - guys who might have credentials that are just a little bit more impressive than an wildcard who has never faced MLB competition. So he struck out some dudes from China and Chinese Taipei in the WBC. You know who else could have? That's right. This isn't to say that I don't think Mats is going to be solid, he just shouldn't be represented by some dickhead who says things like "In Japan, he's known as a national treasure. Here, he will be known as Fort Knox." Scott, enjoy the ninth circle of hell, zone 4.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Kudos to David Stern for swallowing his pride and ditching the composite ball in favor of the one that had worked fine for the last fifty years. After stars such as Dwayne Wade, Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash continued to gripe, the last straw came with Jarrett Jack's affirmation that he "loves it." The new ball was apparently giving the players papercut-like lacerations on their finger tips, something the NBA apparently didn't figure out after their extensive "testing," which included Steve Kerr and Mark Jackson heaving 3s with minimal athleticism for fifteen mintues. I think that's actually 75% true. The switch will be implemented on January 1st, though I can't see the rationale behind not doing it immediately. Let's hope that this is the last we hear of this story.

Quick Hits...
While Marvin Lewis should be embarrassed, and while I don't condone drunk driving, blowing a .10 with the legal limit of .08 is without question the least egrigious of the Bengali follies. Nice story, weird headline. More weird money. At this rate, Patt Rapp will be demanding 5 years, $55 million. Freddie Adu was dealt to Real Salt Lake on the same day that Jerry Sloan won his 1,000 game. What a great time to be a Mormon.

The Morning Wood - 12/08/2006

Stud: That Suns/Nets game
Isn’t Steve Nash perfect for a high scoring game? He is a high percentage shooter, an amazing passer, and he doesn’t play a lick of defense. It’s the best. Anyway, the Suns outscored the Nets after two OTs 161-157. This is all the more impressive because the game featured these two, who could kill backboards and rims just by up-faking. Nash (42 pts and 13 assists) and Jason Kidd (38 pts, 14 assists, 14 boards) were the two standouts. And just because it feels relevant, Stephon Marbury is awful. The last time I scored this much unopposed scoring, I was being recruited to play football for the University of Colorado. Someone check the expiration date on that joke: it smells a little off.

Dud: Bun in the Oven Leslie
I don’t know why but this offends me as a sports fan (even though, as we all know, the WNBA barely qualifies as a “sport”). Maybe I’m misogynistic (maybe?), but I just can’t really adjust to the concept of losing a player due to pregnancy. Injuries yes, drugs sure, but Leslie is on the IR with “zygotitis”? Swollen uterus? I’m sorry, I just can’t take a league seriously that can lose players to birthing. Aside from that, I hope the pregnancy and birth go well for Lisa. The baby should be good looking, especially if you actually believe the people who say that Leslie has “model looks” rather than the people who say she has a “Barbaro facial structure”.

Talk Around the Cooler:
I liked Barry Bonds’ appearance at the winter meetings, especially since he was smiling. His teeth are actually the only white thing that he doesn’t accuse of being racist on a daily basis. Did his appearance have anything to do with the Giants moving quickly to sign him to a one year, sixteen million dollar deal? I’m not so sure. Even though there was talks of a mystery team (there’s an agent with the last name Borris too?) out there looking for Barry’s services (which apparently was the Cardinals, who would have been a nice fit for Barry (especially with the blinders they usually toss on in regards to performance drug usage, AHEM)), it seemed like the Giants were the only team for him. It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode (you know, the one where Kramer was probably thinking the N-word throughout the entire thing) at Putty’s car dealer when Seinfeld says to Elaine and Putty that “clearly no one else can stand you”. And that’s the way it is with Barry and the Giants. No other team would be as willing to ignore and even accommodate Barry’s petulance as San Fran is. But with this contract, they’ve bought themselves one of the most awkward scenarios: how to celebrate Barry’s 756th homerun if MLB isn’t going to endorse it. Frankly, I can’t wait. This could reach “The Office” levels of awkwardness with Barry, his son, his wife, and his mistress circling the field holding sparklers while people half applaud. Exciting!

Quick Hits...
Wait, a Notre Dame team is able to beat a ranked team? Is this like the “and-1” for overweight GMs? Congratulations to Willie Parker for setting the Steelers’ franchise record for rushing yards although I feel like I should at least get some type of credit as there is no way that he would have accomplished it if he hadn’t been on the team I’m facing in the first round of my fantasy playoffs. Since when are punters so tough? With Jake Delhomme’s status in jeopardy for this Sunday, Chris Weinke could start for Carolina. Or die of natural causes.

The Morning Wood - 12/07/2006

Stud: Mike Piazza
The Oakland Athletics signed the 38-year-old "catcher" (possibly a triple-entendre) to a one-year, $8.5 million contract yesterday. According to everyone's favorite saberdork, Billy Beane, Piazza will be DHing 99.9% of the time, which, given their 162 game schedule, should mean that he'll never get behind the plate. He takes over for Frank Thomas, who recently threw a pair of Wranglers on, a Levi's jacket, grew some facial hair and signed w/Toronto. While Mike might not be able to duplicate The Big Hurt's 39/114, look for him to improve on his 22/68 now that he won't have to worry about not throwing baserunners out. Oakland is exactly the kind of place that embodies Piazza's laid back, free-wheelin', switch-hitting attitude, so expect to see a reincarnation of the ladykiller of old.

Dud: The Kansas City Royals
Screw parity. In their neverending quest to tighten their stranglehold on the league's worst franchise, the Royals traded away the live-armed, 22-year-old Ambiorix Burgos to the Mets for SP Brian Bannister, who's coming off a season-ending injury. Should work out well. It does not stop there, however. They're reportedly thinking about tossing Gil Meche a 4-year, $45 million contract. That's Gil Meche at 11 per. Gil Meche of the 4.65 career ERA. This boggles my mind. I'm not sure I'd give him $11 mil over the entire 4-year deal. Mark Grudzielanek is your top position player, and you're tossing $11 mil to Gil Meche? Gil Meche! I can't stop saying his name. How much is Barry Zito going to make a year? What's wrong with everyone?

Talk Around the Cooler:
Why push buttons? Why serve Skip Bayless another 2500 words on a silver platter? I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and take all the T.O.-bashing with a grain of salt, but sometimes it's tough not to think that this guy is a complete loon. He appears to enjoy success on the field, but off it, he seems to have a serious masochistic streak.

Quick Hits...
If the Packers have any sense, they'll send Favre to this guy for the operation. Larry Bird is 50 today, which makes me feel insanely old. Who's ready for the Scalabrine era? Speaking of eras, what defines one these days? Have they found the only way they could reduce interest in this game?

The Chop Block

Every week (hopefully), we will be featuring photos that have been cut, pasted, altered, and rearranged to address the Sports Environment. Attached are the first two examples:

The Morning Wood - 12/06/2006

Stud: The V Foundation
This is a cause that trumps all sports-specific endeavors. The V foundation announced yesterday that it will begin donating all its direct donations to cancer research. No jokes here, just praise.

Dud: Hollis Thomas
The Saints DT was suspended yesterday for violating the NFL's steroid policy. And the suspension wasn't the Shawne Merriman "stark naked bent over in the bathroom injecting yourself with a concoction of monkey testosterone and bull saliva" violation, this was a "Hollis Thomas has asthma and one of the inhalants in his inhaler apparently is banned by the NFL" violation. Kudos to the NFL for exercising sound judgment and reasoning.

Talk Around The Cooler:
Barry Bonds and the planets orbiting his dome have shown up at the Winter Meetings, meaning a couple things: his roid rage is at its peak and he'll manhandle a GM or two (a la Jeff Kent) if they don't give him what he wants. Not one fucking team is really interested in the chore of having him around. In a perfect world this guy would disappear from the baseball landscape as quickly as Sammy Sosa somehow forgot to speak English during the Congressional hearings. Beisbol beeeeen berry berry gooooood to meee!!

The Red Sox signed J.D Drew. They signed Julio Lugo. They hope to sign Matsuzaka. So about $150M invested this offseason so far without addressing one glaring need – a closer. A suggested promotional day for next year: Julio Lugo Night: Any fan assaulting their significant other while entering Fenway gets their choice of a Red Sox Ice Pak or a Brett Myers Bobblehead doll (first 10,000 fans only)

Quick Hits:
Bernie Kosar – Miami Coach? Not a good fit in my opinion. The Yankees and Andy Pettitte are supposedly close to a new deal which really confuses me because I thought Roger Clemens made all of Pettitte's career moves for him. A nice little analysis of the offseason MLB moves .

The Morning Wood - 12/01/2006

Cash your checks son, it's the first of the month!

Stud: Flea Flickers
I still remember using this play in Tecmo Super Bowl with the Vikings. It’s effective son, especially against an overly aggressive defense, which the Ravens have proven to be on the field and on the streets. TJ Houshmandzadeh’s 40 yard TD reception was the only big play in an otherwise low key rainy game, keeping the Bengals playoff hopes alive, up until the point someone takes out Carson Palmer’s knee with a questionable tackle.

Dud: Tony Parker
He’s having a great year, averaging around 20 points, 5 assists, and 3 rebounds and the Spurs are looking sharp at 11-5. So why is Monsieur Parker listed as a dud? Because congratulations son, you get one vagina for the rest of your life!! And let’s just stop pretending that these guys didn’t all hit that while you were dating her. Also, ESPN.com, shut up with the whole “not desperate anymore” article title. And don’t do the “spur of the moment” thing. I’d rather you just talked about Nicolette Sheridan’s Adam’s apple. I’m personally excited for Tim Duncan’s best man speech. Just because I found it.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Bud Selig announced that he would retire after his contract runs out in 2009. I’d have to expect that there won’t be a lot of people banging on his door, begging him to stay for a couple more years. Although baseball has definitely grown exponentially in terms of profit, Selig’s reign as commissioner has been defined by a lack of a backbone. I personally think that baseball’s profits would have grown whether Selig was commissioner or if he just stayed under the rock he crawled out from. Selig’s low moment was probably when he decided to end the 2002 All Star game in a tie and his legacy will probably suffer as more stories and information about rampant drug use comes to the forefront. But enough about Selig, who is going to be the next commissioner of baseball? I would have to say that my first pick would be Derek Jeter, even though he would still be playing. He’s a great player, in fact that best defensive shortstop in the 21st century. He has certain intangibles that would translate well to the league. I don’t know what the intangibles are, but I do know that they would be a positive. Plus he’s a handsome guy. Jeter in ’09! Either him or Obama.

So ESPN.com had Kobe Bryant on its front page yesterday, wondering what is wrong with his knee and why he’s missing a quarter of his dunk attempts this year. So it’s completely natural that he goes in against the team with the best record in the NBA and drops an uberefficient 52 and gets a hug from Phil Jackson. What is my point here? Two things mainly: One, let’s not start worrying about players that are prime time. I’d rather focus on the fact that Ricky Davis sucks now. And two, I’m not sure if I really like or find it annoying when players get called out on something and then go out and toss up a superb performance as a grand “so there”. What does this really say about a professional athlete’s normal level of motivation? I’m not calling out Kobe specifically because he certainly has more than enough motivation (I saw the Nike ads) but this seems to be something that is happening all the more frequently. And I don’t think I like it.

Quick Hits...
If the NHL had fans, this would probably cause them to lose some. Wait wait wait, this wasn’t even for an Xbox 360? Couldn’t these two have had a more relevant competition, like who could go longer without wearing adult diapers? He’s still got it.