The Morning Wood - 12/29/2006

Sorry about our lack of consistency this week adoring fans. Giddy is recharging his batteries by doing squats and eating tempura blowfish and Vza is busy stuffing stockings (unrelated to Christmas) and scouting real estate. We'll be back up to full strength and half-wittedness shortly.

Stud: Barry Zito
Well I guess it has to go to him. Are the Giants aware of his three year trends (nope, it doesn’t sound good coming out of my mouth. Bill James saying that)? Anyway, the move to the NL should disguise his fall off for the first couple years but I don’t like this contract at all. Two things: Imagine how many wicked sweet guitars Zito can buy now. And imagine Zito and Barry Bonds having a conversation about anything. No seriously. What are they talking about? Peter Frampton? Woodstock? White women?

Dud: Man, there are a lot of duds today. I’m excited.

Alyssa Milano
Probably should have waited that one out huh? So what he made you dress up in a Tim Hudson jersey and chew Red Man during fellatio? Imagine the rock you could be wearing right now.

The person that’s going to have to sow the veil that is supposed to cover Martina Hingis’ forehead when she gets married
Maybe the person will be able to borrow a ship’s sail or something. Wowza!

Bob Knight
He whiffed on his first opportunity to pass Dean Smith for the all time winningest NCAA men’s basketball coach. He will obviously get another win this season, but it has taken him 5 more years than Smith to reach this total, which is no small number. Not to mention that Pat Summit is truly the all time winningest NCAA basketball coach with 913 victories. Broads dig it when I mention things like this.

Talk Around the Cooler...
Well, I think everyone and their mother has named a Sportsman of the Year and there is an interesting group out there: Ladanian Tomlinson, Vince Young, Dwyane Wade, Drew Brees, Roger Federer, Tiger Woods. Let me say two things (which will probably be closer to five): Fuck David Eckstein. I’m so sick of people even mentioning him as a real athlete. He’s short, he’s white, congratulations, so is the dude that I call for systems help when I forget my password. He’s not getting any media shine. He should though (hell of a job Don). Two, I don’t necessarily like the extra factors that always go into these discussions: Dwyane Wade overcoming a poorly spelled first name, Vince Young recovering from apparently being a Wonderlic moron, Drew Brees singlehandedly draining the water out of New Orleans with a forward pass. I want utter dominance of a sport and for that, my choice is Roger Federer. I’m not even going to tell you his stats for the season. You can check them yourself.

Quick Hits:
Oh dear. I could easily make some joke about this being a tryout for the Bengals but I think we’re both better people than that. Right? Right. Resident Eye-tie expert Johnny Mac disagrees with Ohio State, saying that the main violation was that the meatballs weren’t made with bread blessed by the Pope that was left in partial sun for 4 days but rather constructed with bread crumbs. Well why don’t you stick your comments in your stupid little secret bowl and see if that solves the problem? Pussy. And his potential start has been downgraded to "probably not going to matter either way".