The Afternoon Wood - 08/28/2006

Quick Note: Thanks to our two fans for getting on us about the Morning/Late Morning/Early/Mid-Afternoon Wood. One of the three writers of this highly acclaimed site has been lazy. I won't name names, but it's not Hasmitt or Vza. Now, onto the Afternoon Wood. Doesn't quite have the same ring to it...

Stud: Tiger Woods
Tiger Woods vs. the field is akin to Giddy vs. Hasmitt in a game of NCAA 2006. What does that mean? Simple answer the field (me) has an uphill battle. Better answer: Giddy's players try to pick up Hasmitt's blitz. And by "pick up Hasmitt's blitz" all I really mean is that my piece of shit running back and fullback are too afraid to protect my QB so they run away from the LB's, allowing them to have their way with my QB (me) like I'm Richard Simmons in prison. It's not fun to experience by any means. Get it? Good. Elin - holla at me girl! How 'bout you get a taste of some dark chocolate - I know you're tired of that caramel.

Dud: Small Testicles
Good to see that the NFL's steroid policy isn't really being scrutinized. It'll be interesting to see what happens to these guys (and so many more) a number of years down the line. I'm wondering how small one's testicles get. Because I won't mind if they make my penis look gargantuan as a result. Gotta look at the story from both sides, people. I mean honestly, how many dudes talk about the size of their ballzack when trying to impress girls. I've gone overboard on this topic - but when don't I do that.

Talk Around The Cooler:
So, the Discovery Channel's lead cyclist was fined for in his second sport of interest for absences and being late to meetings, a couple absences, etc.. Total costs of the fines came to $9,500. That'll teach him a lesson. A few things that are still to be confirmed: Number of times Jerry Jones has slobbed. T.O.'s knob, # of times T.O. has cryerbated behind closed doors, impact all this stress has on Bill Parcell's man-pouch.

Um...so we're gonna stick with the football theme. One team in the NFC East has looked pretty good this preseason. Another team looks absolutely atrocious. I couldn't be happier.

Quick Hits:
I'm not an emotional guy, except when i'm sobbing in my giflriend's arms while watching Finding Neverland - but this is a cool story. It's pretty clear that the Bengals and the Vikings have an under-the-table bet about which team is more gully. The Bengals got off to a great start this offseason but the Vikings are making great inroads. Simply amazing. If you fail once - try and try again.