NFL Playoff Preview: New England vs. New Yorksey

This reeks of a sausage fest although it is probably just the scent produced when Eric Mangini’s thighs rub together. The Jets and the Pats are the inbred brothers of the NFL, exchanging players, personnel, and philosophy like purple nurples on the family farm in Alabama. Parcells went from the Pats to the Jets. Belichick shunned the Jets to coach the Pats. And now Babyface Mangini has made the switch and other than his ex-wife and sweatshirts with full sleeves, the thing The ‘Chick hates the most is that Spamgini took a head coaching job in the same division. Pats! Jets! This time it’s personal!

Previous Match Ups:
The teams met twice in the regular season, as division mates are wont to do. The Pats won the first meeting in Week 2, 24-17. Kevan Barlow was the Jets leading rusher. But in week 10, the Jets won what could almost be called a must win in Foxboro, 17-14, starting them on a run where they won six out of their last eight games. Kevan Barlow was the Jets leading rusher. I’m not sure anyone in the country has seen Doug “Peter” Gabriel since his fumble in the second quarter of this game. This also ended a 57 game streak where the Pats hadn't lost two games in a row. The record for longest streak of this kind is held by The Who Gives a Fucks. Did I mention that Kevan Barlow is still in the league?

Keys
The Jets need to be patient and out-dink the Dink champions. Just like in his childhood, the Jets are going to look to get Laverne Coles a lot of touches. I severely doubt that they’re going to have any type of a running game so screen screen screen like Britney Spears does with her calls now when “KFed Cell” pops up. Hmm. Just a note: I’m acting like it’s a choice for the Jets to use a short passing game, but in actuality, Wet Noodle Pennington couldn’t throw a ball through one ply generic T.P. On defense, the Jets need to do two things: pick up the ball after the Pats inevitably fumble it and bend but don’t break. I hate Bend but don’t Break, especially when obese a-holes on WEEI are saying it 12 times a day about the Pats D, but it really applies here. The Pats don’t have Adam the 2nd Coming kicking any longer: they have a rookie with a long foreign name that probably translates to “Norwood”. Make him kick.

The Pats need to have their players, especially Ben Watson, sleep with footballs cradled in their arms. Also, Brady the Beauty would appreciate that if his receivers aren’t going to catch balls that him them in the hands, at least just knock them down instead of tipping them straight up in the air or towards the other team. Over half of his interceptions this year have been on balls tipped by his receivers. Of course, part of this is a direct reflection on a management group that refused to add any receiving help even though they are $10 million under the cap. The Pats should be able to run the ball a little bit, and there aren’t going to be any field issues so I expect them to control the ball for the majority of the game. They need to put the ball in the end zone and Corey Dillon is more than willing to do so from one yard out after 11 other guys killed themselves getting it there. If I were a Patriots fan, I would be concerned about the defense. Yes, I know the front four is dominant but the Jets are trotting out a Cedran Houlowington half breed backfield that they weren’t counting on either way. Oh, how interesting this match up would be if Toni Braxton hadn’t Tonya Hardinged this man. So the front four doesn’t matter much but the secondary does. And that would be the secondary that is without Rodney Harrison (which is a huge loss even if he is a dirty bastard). Just because Asante Samuel had the same number of interceptions as Champ Bailey doesn’t mean that they are even in the same class as cornerbacks.

What’s Going to Happen:
I would really like to sit here and tell you that the Jets are going to come into Foxboro and beat the Patriots but then I start thinking about Pennington’s arm, Belichick’s undefeated record against teams he has lost to previously in a season (who makes up these stats?), Laurence Maroney’s explosivity, and Tom Brady’s buttchin and I just can’t make that pick and feel good about myself. I do expect the game to be close. I expect Pennington to complete close to 70% of his passes but it won’t be enough. The Patriots are going to control the ball and something stupid will happen. It will probably involve Justin McCareins sucking and Tedy Bruschi will also be involved in a positive manner. I see a 21-14 Pats Victory. Belichick and Mangini open mouth kiss at the 50 after the game.