The Morning Wood - 08/04/2006

Stud: USA Basketball (at least last night, they were)
There's nothing like a 45-point win to give you a bit of confidence. There's also nothing like watching players make a 3-pointer against us and then act as though they can make it in the NBA. If there's one thing I can't stand about watching any international teams play us, it's the JJ Redick-like histrionics they exhibit when they reel off 4 points in a row. Puerto Rico, check Carlos Arroyo's stats and leave us the fuck alone. That career high 16 points is fucking magnificent. I'm in a great mood today.

Dud: Josh Beckett
ESPN is great with timing. Yesterday they had an article on the front page of espn.com (also featured in ESPN The Magazine) talking about how Beckett "couldn't be happier" in Boston. Well Josh, I don't give a fuck how happy you are, nor do Red Sox fans. Stop serving up homeruns and giving up grand slams to guys named Shin-Soo Choo. On a sidenote - Jason Giambi and his HGH kits are doing great things this year. 97% of all baseball players do steroids. I have stats to back that up. I also have some other stats about locker room "relationships" that will BLOW YOUR MIND!

Talk Around The Cooler:
If I were to have a successful and lucrative career (which I definitely don't, and never will), one thing I'd do on the side would be to fund a completely illegal operation. Because no one cares about the legitimate money you make, it's all about how you beat the system. Tocchet's probably going to learn a lot more about getting checked into the boards while in prison. (Legend: checked on the boards = the Brokeback treatment)

Sticking with smart athletes beating the system, Oklahoma starting QB, Rhett Bomar was kicked off the team for falsely claiming he worked more hours than he actually did, violating NCAA employment regulations and shit. Great move if you can get away with it, not so much if you don't. If you're the starting QB at Oklahoma, it's probably best if you stick to the X's and O's. Leave the more complicated stuff to someone else. Way to ruin your team's chances at a National Championship.

When you're a trainer and your country's Olympic commitee bans you from all its training facilities, that's probably not a good thing. It's also probably not good for business if every high profile track star you've trained has either been under suspicion or been caught taking steroids. It's also probably even worse if the best story you can come up with for why one of your athletes tested positive was because a masseuse rubbed something similar to "The Cream" on your athlete. One thing that's not quite functioning in all of this is a brain.

Quick Hits:
I've come to the conclusion that with excessive wealth comes increased irrational behavior, hence my amazingly grounded view of the world around us. In the past 2 weeks, there have been two instances of athletes getting tasered. This week we bring you Dale Davis. Yes, more minor league baseball madness. NFL refs are getting a new look. (BJ 25 - I'd kill myself if I had that on my back).