NBA Preview: Golden State Warriors

"No Adonal, it's okay, I got it. Go fix me a sandwich or something"


Changes:
The big offseason news was not new personnel on the court, but the return to the sidelines by Don Nelson. As part of Nelson's deal, the Warriors will have one Gatorade cooler on the court at all times filled with Nelson’s cocktail of choice during the game. Rudy Tomjanovich is jealous. Chris Mullen is getting a straw. They drafted Patrick O'Bryant who conveniently fractured his foot on a shamrock at an offseason scrimmage. And perhaps hoping to find another talented Euro, Nelson and crew drafted Kosta Perovic, a 7' 2" Croatian who's yet to see one second on the court. BRILLIANT! In the "worthless trades that fail to benefit either team" department, the Warriors traded away Derek Fisher for Devin Brown, Keith McLeod and Andre Owens. I guess this transaction was more a measure of which team wanted their former players least. Da Juan Vogner has returned to the league after...well, I don't know what the hell he was doing but I still can't find my wallet! Unfortunately, he didn't happen to grow 4 inches in his time away, so he's still a under sized guard who can't pass.

Style of Playng:
Baron Davis, when not on the bench with back issues and aging at three times the normal rate of any other human, will dribble the ball up the court and immediately toss up a 32 foot jumper, Troy Murphy will get the rebound and kick it out to Jason Richardson, who will attempt a 1080 from the free throw line, Murphy will come down with that rebound and will throw the ball through the transparent Michael Dunleavy. Adonal Foyle will be told to stop laughing by the team dentist, who is installing his fifth set of railroad tie braces. Seriously, watch them this year.

Impact Player:
J-Rich. This guy averaged 23.2 last year, good for 13th in the league. He's coming in to the season banged up but look for Richardson to establish himself as a premier shooting guard with another solid season. Let's just all collectively hope that he hasn't lost his spring. Wow, a shooting guard that made it from Michigan State. Hmm.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
I would love to get arrested with Adonal Foyle, Mike Dunleavy, and Troy Murphy. The crime would be robbery: are you aware that the Golden Showers owe these guys a combined $144 million? I'm not joking.

Prediction:
I seem to recall some people rocking preseason chubbies for the Warriors last year as hot playoff pick. Keep this in mind at all times: people tend to be assholes. This just doesn't feel like a team that can reach .500, even with Nellie (no Timbo production) guiding the way. 39-43. On another prediction level, I plan on having a massive smile on my face when K.G., Tim Duncan, Amare, and Dirk (when will this list end?) show up on the "Mike Dunleavy is a four" tour

NBA Preview: Orlando Magic

Dwight Howard tries to console a rim after a Keith Bogans shootaround.

Changes:
The biggest move was made towards the end of last season, when they traded for Darko and Carlos Arroyo. Really a brilliant piece of GMing right there: you get a potentially huge talent who is mad at the world plus the best backup point guard in the league. Tego Reggae-freakin-ton. After finishing the year on a 16-6 run, they didn't want to do much tinkering with the lineup. Their biggest free agent signing was Keith Bogans, who never met a shot he couldn't miss. In the draft, they chose to address their outside-shooting deficiency by picking up the Bard of Durham, JJ Redick. He has really responded to the move like a true Duke professional: a run-in with the law (white zinfandel + joyride) and a nagging injury. I think JJ was a great college player, but I just see the pro game moving too fast for him. With the athletes in the NBA, we'll see a lot more of the Redick that went 3-18 vs. LSU in the tourney last year.

Style of Play:
This is a squad that is going to rely a lot on Arroyo and Jameer Nelson to create for the rest of the team, and I like the ability of both to do so. While Dwight Howard is a beast, his offensive game hasn't reached the level where you can regularly run things through him. Grant Hill should be slashingly effective for 10 games until his foot falls off his body after a collision with the mammoth chip on Darko's shoulder. They have a lot of guys that can score, even off the bench, but no one who will average 20. The twin tower combo of Howard/Milicic should make them a tough defensive team downlow, but they'll have to make up for Redick's deficiencies. An intriguing squad, all around.

Impact Player:
Do you see that picture up top? That walking double-double is on the verge of being really, really, really good. He averaged 16 and 12.5 as a nineteen-year-old. Has he not fully filled out yet? Could he pop a basketball with his bare hands? Dunk from behind the threepoint line? These questions might be answered this season. If this kid develops a bit of a mean-streak, the Magic are going to be frighteningly good in years to come.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
I would take an evening to sit down with JJ, pop a bottle of Beringer, call up Adam Morrison and have a rousing game of Halo on the Xbox. The police would show up after neighbors' noise complaints stemming from emotional outbursts after video game losses.

Prediction:
The Magic been the posh pick in the East to really improve and make the playoffs, which is usually a huge curse, but I think it's pretty accurate here. I really like Nelson's leadership, Howard's freakish athleticism and Darko's frosted tips. Don't forget the X-factor, BO OUTLAW. Even with the inevitable Grant Hill injury, they've probably got enough talent to get into the playoffs with a 41-41 record.

NBA Preview: Portland Trailblazers

"This muthafugga made me late for practice again"

Changes:
The Blazers are a lost team at this point but the future might be okay. They still have Darius Miles and Zach Randolph shooting and distributing consistently. Their on court game is unfortunately not as consistent. The Blazers lost Steve Blake, Theo Ratliff and Sebastian Telfair in the off season, and fortunately they traded Telfair before the whole stolen necklacescapade because that might have really hurt their image. Who came in? A mixed bag to say the least. The Blazers did some draft day shuffling, landing LaMarcus Aldridge and Brandon Roy, as well as receiving the unambiguously Caucasian duo (Raef LaFrentz and Dan Dickau) from the Celtics and Jamal Magloire from the Yinka Dare school of passing. I’ll say this: I like Brandon Roy. Some people like Aldridge but I think he is soft. Firefighters lay his game on the street below any potential suicide jumpers for a safe landing. Bazing!

Style of Play:
I like Nate McMillan but this team is a mess. On offense, they could be somewhat interesting with Jarrett Jack, Roy, and the Spanish White Chocolate Sergio Rodriguez providing some energy in the backcourt. Up until the point one of them feeds the ball to Zach Randolph, whose last recorded pass out of a double team has still yet to occur. Darius Miles doesn’t do anything too well, except have chronic injuries and send Provincetown gang signals to his boy Q-Rich. Is this the year that Travis Outlaw and Martell Webster get significant minutes?

Impact Player:
I am going to say Brandon Roy. I'm really high on this guy...and life. He's going to get a chance to start right away and I think he will contribute in every category. I just can't wait to see who his Siegfried is going to be.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
Wow, considering almost everyone on this team has been arrested before, this is a bit of a challenge. I would have to say Zach Randolph though. We would be in a Krispy Kreme, Zach would get upset and start crying that they had run out of bearclaws. The police would be summoned only to escort him out, but when he opens the door to his white on white Denali, 2 glocks, an AK-47, three half finished Alize bottles, five marijuana plants, a crack pipe, two dead prostitutes, and an unfilled tax return will fall out. He’ll be arrested for tax evasion and suspicion of playing for the Blazers.

Prediction:
This team is not going to improve much from last year’s 21-61. They need to trade away Zach Randolph and Darius Miles at some point and understand that they have a good deal of young talent on this team. Don’t be surprised to see a Jack, Roy, Outlaw, Aldridge, and Magloire starting line up at the end of year. Also don’t be surprised if it isn’t any worse than their opening day roster. I see 25-57 and Paul Allen shaking his head a lot.

The Morning Wood - 10/30/2006

Stud: St. Louis Cardinals
This is likely the most reluctant Stud designation I've ever done. With an amazing collection of talent and likeable characters, the Cardinals, won the World Series on Friday night. This guy cannot wait to drop down and get his eagle on during the parade. I'm just kiddin' like Jason!!! Preston Wilson just struck out again.

Dud: Ben Roethlisberger
The walking emergency room threw 4 interceptions yesterday and is unfortunately causing other Steelers fans undue pain and stress. I don't want to say, bench him. But you should probably bench him. And as a public service announcement to all Pittsburgh residents and all NFL teams Grande Ben will be playing against - just stay away from him. He's a danger to himself and others. Just walk the other direction. I'm fairly positive that separated shoulder, torn ACL and Brett Favre painkiller addiction are on his to-do list for this season. Really depressing fact of the day - The Raiders had 98 total yards on offense. Chris Carr's 100-yd interception return for a TD (for the Raiders) did more for his team on one play than his offense could do in 4 quarters.

Talk Around the Cooler:
I'm not old enough to truly appreciate the legacy of Arnold Jacob "Red" Auerbach, but this right here should probably give you an idea of his impact on the league and those who've had the fortune of being in his presence.

Romo-bangers unite! It's truly amazing what Ron Mexico can do when his "problem" isn't flaring up. Instead of looking to put a franchise in LA, it might make sense to relegate the 49ers and Cardinals to Arena League Football.


Quick Hits:
WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO?! I like college football, but hate this BCS bullshit. So...there might be some talent available this offseason

NBA Preview: Cleveland Cavaliers

"This is what awesome feels like"


Changes:
I have to say that I like the moves they made this year. Last year's big free agent signing, Larry Hughes, never had a chance to fit in with this team after a finger injury that seemed to linger forever (like the Herp) but this year's signings were more focused on filling in veteran back up needs. David Wesley and Scot Pollard, although no one's favorite team in NBA Jam, will provide quality minutes off the bench. Flip Murray is gone (it would have been a bigger loss if they lost Flip Wilson. Or Lil Flip. Or Flipper) but I think Shannon Brown could be a rookie that contributes immediately (mainly because I saw him once in a preseason game and he impressed me. Hey, we never claimed to be experts).

Style of Play:
Watch LeBron do stuff. No seriously. It's tough to say what is going to happen with Larry Hughes in the lineup every day but Lebron and Larry definitely are gifted passers. Occasionally Zydrunas Ilgauskas is allowed to play, just so he doesn't toss some type of gypsy spell on everyone else. Anderson Varejao is an energetic bastard. Let me put it like this: He's more excited than chubby white women around this guy. Donyell Marshall provides a solid outside presence. . when he's not living in Florida, drinking prune juice, and complaining about "these young whipper snappers".

Impact Player:
Ira Newble (sweet karate). Come on, who do you think? Unlike anyone that hangs out around Justin's, we're all Witnesses. The Bron elevated his game to another level last year, becoming one of five players in history to average 25, 7, and 7. The other four did it as well. What do I need out of Mr. James? Continued growth in the leadership category, a little more effort on the defensive end, and a lot more effort in finger nail maintenance off the court.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
At first I thought that this would be a challenge but then I discussed it with SU member Giddy and realized that I only need one picture to answer this question: Unnhh.

Prediction:
If there's one thing that I would never be cavalier about, it's the 'Brons this year. I see them going 56-26 but still getting knocked out in the playoffs before the championship. Unless he walks through the door. Or him. Or him.

NBA Preview: Washington Wizards

"Have you theen my batheball...."

Changes:
Sensing a real void of the Caucasian element on the roster following the departure of future Hall of Famer Steve Blake two years ago, the Wizards signed sharpshooter Darius Songaila to a mid-level exception (yes, I did call him a sharpshooter – the term is completely subjective). Positives of this deal – this stretches the court somewhat for the Wizards on offense. Negative – they signed Darius Songaila to the mid-level exception. That’s the equivalent of making way for a fat chick to give you a blowjob when you’d be better off pleasuring yourself. That doesn’t make sense to you? Excellent, because that doesn’t make sense to me either. In an attempt to satisfy the Michael Jackson/John Mark Karr/Anacostia element of the fan base, the Wizards also brought in DeShawn Stevenson, who some would call an excellent perimeter defender. On the offensive end, if you can manage to keep Mr. Stevenson from penetrating your child’s “perimeter” all should be good in Chocolate City. No pun intended, but the double entendre was.

Style Of Play:
This is the professional version of the Princeton offense – lots of cutting, backdoor passes and scoring. And without homos like Edwin Buff (my nuts)mire VIIII (as most guys do). Problem is last year there were few players on the roster who couldn’t hit the open shot when he kicked the ball out. Enter the Lithuanian Michael Jordan. DARIUS. SONGAILA. But to bring us back to reality, this team likes to score. For the second year in a row, the Wizards had the highest scoring trio in the NBA (Agent Zero, Antawn Jamison and Caron Butler). Hopefully at some point this season this young, but talented team will decide to play some defense. They played zone a significant amount of time last year, but zone really meant just letting anyone and everyone into the lane (insert Tara Reid joke).

Impact Player:
Um…this kind of goes without saying. Asking who the impact player is on the Wizards is like asking me if I’m a decent catch. The answer is way too obvious and that answer is fuck no. So let’s talk about the un-named Impact Player. He may have a chip on his shoulder after being cut from the USA Basketball team. He may be thinning the air in his house. He might play online poker during halftime of regular season games. He might be the most talented, yet “out of touch with reality" player ever. As good as he is, He thinks he has a lot to prove this season – and that bodes well for the Wizards.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
Etan Thomas. Plain and simple – a poetry reading gone wrong. Ganja in the air, thoughtful rhetoric being spewed by the cerebral Etan Thomas, when a drunken Craig Esherick walks in striking this pose while ice grilling Etan. All hell breaks loose.

Prediction:
With a motivated Arenas and some decent additions, the Wiz should improve on last year’s record. I’m saying 45-37 and a 7 seed in the East.

The Morning Wood - 10/27/2006

Stud: Branden Ore
Why? Because I said so. The Va Tech team has fallen off somewhat this year, with a less talented team and also a team less likely to spike calves and brandish firearms in parking lots but they received some shine last night, knocking off #10 Clemson 24-7. Iron Ore (eh) was the driving force behind the victory, rushing for 203 yards and two touchdowns. He did this all in front of former Hokie Lee Suggs, who took some time off from taking time off to attend the game.

Dud: Bruce Bochy
This mustached man walked away from his San Diego contract yesterday, deciding to head up scenic Route 1 and become Felipe Alou's replacement in San Francisco. Why does this make him a dud? Because he's leaving San Diego man!! Leaving behind Fish tacos, fish tacos, and beaches. Come on Bochy. Good luck managing Bonds next year if he comes back. Your replacement will be drinking $1.50 happy hour margarita's at Fred's mexican cafe, beating off young dirty blonde pouzzle with Trevor Hoffman's cane.

Talk Around the Cooler:
So yeah, I picked the Tigers in five games. You want to know why? Because I think the NL is garbage. I think the Cardinals have perhaps the most boring team in the history of baseball and that they have one starter, one reliever, and three position players that could hang in the AL. Jeff Suppan's era in the AL East would require a comma. So I don't think the Tigers will be winning in five any longer but I know the problem: they went from being a laughingstock to a shocking surprise to heavy favorites in a year. They are some confused identity wise that they can't keep it together. Well that and their pitching has completely failed them. I can't believe David Eckstein is going to get to hold the World Series trophy. Is he going to be able to hold up? Is Rolen going to hold it for him? Is he going to be shit faced and puking after a half a Bud Light? I don't know how this is talk around the cooler but I'm not at work and you can screw.

Quick Hits...
Yeah, no shit. Anything else you need to explain to me three months after I've figured it out? What, you wanted a live one? PGA nobody Doug Barron went topless to take a shot yesterday, which I'm sure was athetically pleasing as his dimensions are 5'9" and 170. Mmmmm, meaty. Hey Gulbis, just think it over babe. Tiki Barber and Michael Irvin are having a little cat fight over Tiki's retirement announcement with Irvin calling it "quitting" and Tiki calling Irvin an idiot. I have to agree with Tiki here but perhaps the animosity goes a little deeper: maybe Irvin realizes that 97% of America can't understand a thing he says while Tiki Barber is a pronouncing superfreak. Does someone feel like they might be losing their job soon? I hope so. Back to you Mort!

NBA Preview: Utah Jazz

Andrei Kirilenko - NBA game: All-Star, Game with the ladies: 8th grade.

Changes:
Not much to write about here, and that's the way the Mormons like it. They resigned Matt Harpring (poorman's Szczerbiak), which is a decent move, then went out on the free-agent market and got Derek Fisher - who, at only 32 years of age, is the fake-oldest person in the league. I swear he played with James Worthy. If he's healthy, it's a nice addition. In the draft, they chose Ronnie Brewer, which isn't a bad pick, but they could have had Ronnie Brewer without the nauseating jumpshot if they selected Rodney Carney, who went two picks later. Brewer will probably be a pretty exciting player when he's not catching the evil eye from everyone he passes on the streets of Salt Lake City. They also nabbed Dee Brown and Roger Powell, who, combined with Deron Williams, couldn't beat UNC in 2006, so they should have a pretty good shot at taking down some NBA teams. Oh, and there's a black guy named Hiram on their preseason squad. That should make him pretty popular in Utah. L'chaim!

Style of Play:
Tough to say. Half the time, it's wait for Andrei Kirilenko to do something amazing on the defensive end, then fast-break. The other 60% of the time, I'd say it's a lot of Deron Williams/Mehmet Okur pick-and-pops at the top of the key, which could be worse. It's sort of like Stockton/Malone, only less white, but I'm not sure how. Oh, I remember. They've got a lot of guys who can knock down open shots (Harpring, Giricek, Fisher, Okur) and a talented-yet-unmotivated Inuit on the low-post (Boozer), but that puts a lot of pressure on Williams to create. Other than AK-47, they're pretty soft on the defensive end.

Impact Player:
Their best player is Kirilenko, who combines freakish athleticism with a freakishly gay hairstyle. The success of the Jazz, however, rests soley on the broad shoulders of Carlos Boozer. When he's sueing Prince for painting his house purple, backing out of contracts, or spending time on the IR, he's of no use. When he's healthy and down on the block, he's Diamonds and Pearls. Snarf. Without a healthy Boozer, the team is full of jumpshooting softies.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
The culprit has to be Rafael Araujo. He went to BYU, so he's got to know some locals, he tested positive for steroids at the World Championships in 2002, so he's got a crazy streak, and he is on the verge of turning into an NBA punchline after being picked 8th in the 2004 draft, so he's probably bottling up some emotions. I'm guessing the night will involve a Brazillian restaurant, too many Caipirinhas, and Araujo knocking out a waiter, then wielding his meat skewer at customers.

Prediction:
If they're healthy, I think Jerry Sloan turns them into a playoff team and they're one of the season's big surprises. Unfortunately, I don't think they'll be healthy. 40-42, just missing the playoffs.

NBA Preview: Charlotte Bobcats

"You don't even care about me, do you?"


Changes:
The Bobcats were not good last year and because of that, they were rewarded with the #3 pick, grabbing 70’s fluffer Adam Morrison from Gonzigzaga. There’s this dude Walter Hermann but he might be my new least favorite NBA player (you hear that Ira Newble, you’re off the hook). I hate Waltah! That being said, this is a young ass team that could really use one thing walking into the locker room: a healthy Emeka Okafor. Last year, he missed 56 games after dropping a biochemistry book on his foot. This year he has lost some weight to hopefully stay on the court. Hey, it worked for Pudge Rodriguez and no one questioned his cause. Hmm. Bernie Bickerstaff still looks somewhat like a beaver. Michael Jordan is lurking somewhere in the background of management, betting millions that Brevin Knight doesn’t have human genitalia.

Style of Play:
The Bobcats love stealing stuff: Sebastian Telfair’s neck warmer, the hearts of North Carolina honkey bitches, and basketballs. The Bobs lead the league in rips last year, not that it really helped. They are a gambling defense, led by Gerald William Wallace, a stat super freak last year. He’s got busier hands than Mario Lopez at a Saved By the Bell autograph session. Kapowski! On offense, Raymond Felton will continue his Chris Paul Jr. routine (check the second half numbers before disagreeing) but it seems like too many possessions end with Primo Brezec 18 footers. Hopefully those will be Morrison’s shots this year.

Impact Player:
This is tough to pick although I would have to say Emeka Okafor (translates as “Calhoun f*cked up not recruiting Gomes”). With Okafor, the Bobs have an interior defensive presence. Without him, they have Melvin Ely and Primo (and I’m not talking DJ Premier here) twiddling their thumbs. He also provides their only post presence on the offensive end. After averaging a double double his rookie year, will he be able get into double digit games this year? Also, he’s got a Delgado-strength smile, so take that for what it’s worth.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
Can I say two people here? Screw it, I’m going to. My first would be with Okafor and here is the scenario: We’re in a bar, maybe around Harvard, and this dude, maybe he has ponytail, comes up to me and starts talking shit about my knowledge in front of this girl I was working. Emeka jumps up out of nowhere, says some shit about isotopes and elephantitis, and then I say “my boy’s wicked smahht” and we get into a bar brawl. Or I’d like to get arrested with Adam Morrison in the Champagne room at a strip club after he demands for his wispy moustache to be "muff-flavored" before he leaves.

Prediction:
This team still isn’t going to be good but they should be improved. 36-46

NBA Preview: Toronto Raptors

I love my contract extension, ay!

Changes:
Probably the biggest move was getting rid of general manager Rod Babcock - a man who made Isiah Thomas look like Red Auerbach - and replacing him with wunderkind Bryan Colangelo, who put together the Suns' impressive roster. His first off-season moves as GM have been impressive: drafting Andrea Bargniani #1 overall, who looks to be a stud, signing proven Euros Jorge Garbajosa and Anthony Parker, and picking up Steve A. Smith's claim-to-fame Rasho Nesterovic. They're not even in the US, so I guess the don't need no stinking Americans. The organization caught a little grief for trading Charlie Villanueva for TJ Ford, but I like the move. Their offense should be dominated by Chris Bosh, and Ford is a pass-first, dear-god-please-don't-show-me-that-jumper second type of player. Villanueva would have cut into Bargniani's minutes, anyway. I like the Fred Jones pickup, too. Who? Fred Jones. Good scorer off the bench, solid defender, insanely athletic. They also brought in Kris Humphries, who has looked like an interior presence in the preseason. Oh, and I love Sam Mitchell. One of the league's top 5 coaches. I'll stop now, b/c I'm beginning to like this team a little too much.

Style of Play:
Given their roster, you would guess straight-Euro, with lots of white-homos making weird cuts, chucking set-shot threes and passing a few extra times to drag out their offensive set in lieu of playing defense, but it's a little funkier than that. Ford pushes the ball up the floor in a very aggressive fashion, and they've got a bunch of horses that can run - even their bigs. Pretty much all half-court sets will go through Bosh, as they should. He's probably the best player in the NBA that no one has seen play.

Impact Player:
Without question, Chris Bosh. I didn't like this selection when he came out of Georgia Tech, but he's proven to be a stud that deserves to be mentioned in the James/Wade/Anthony conversation. His only problem is that he's playing in front of 5,000 people who are wondering how those really tan fellas keep from slipping on the ice with those goshdarn sneakers on.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
The winner here is Kris Humphries. I must say, I'm intrigued. Why? Let me submit a chronological string of evidence. Exhibit A. Exhibit B. Exhibit C. Exhibit D. Xzibit E. Has Mr. Humphries turned African-American right before our very eyes? Does he have the opposite of whatever effects Michael Jackson? Is it alright for us to be talking about this? These are all questions that I would ask. The arrest would obviously involve drinking Moleson Ice and getting into a barfight with several bearded, flannel-wearing men at a Toronto bar owned by Doug Flutie.

Prediction:
I can't get too crazy here, but I feel like I'm about to. I think Toronto is going to battle it out with the Magic, Celts and Nets for those last two playoff spots. They'll improve on that 27-win season of last year to go 39-43, which will probably be just out of the playoffs in the improving East. This team is on the rise, mark my words, you hosers.

The Morning Wood - 10/26/2006

Stud: Brian Cashman
Hate the Yankees, but I respect this move. This way, they hold all the chips in Sheffield's future, and can make sure that he doesn't go to the Red Sox. There's going to be a huge shitstorm when he's traded to some dawdling franchise like Baltimore or Texas, but the Yanks should get some decent prospect in return. There's been a lot of Chone Figgins talk in the Bronx, so maybe they'll throw him to the Angels. Iron Sheff is surely to eventually blame this one on the man, but hopefully the situation will resolve itself soon so he can get back to his offseason workout of being angry, shaping his 'stache and making sure his wife isn't keepin' anything on the downlow.

Dud: Clouds
Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, Cirrus, Stratus, Cumulus, and especially you, Nimbus. What's going on in St. Louis? It sounds like you've set up shop, and we're going to have to play the World Series either w/NorthFace uniforms or move it to the Metrodome. I think Fox had to run an episode of that awful Michael Rappaport show last night in the game's stead, the viewing of which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Talk Around the Cooler:
There could not be a funnier headline. From union spokesman Dan Wasserman: "a provision was added to the collective bargaining agreement that subjects the players to discipline if they bring any kind of firearm, even if it's licensed, to an NBA arena, practice facility, or even a team or league offsite promotional appearance." Oh, so they can't be packin' heat at the next Read to Achieve event? How's AI gon' protect himself from those kids in the cornrows lookin' at him funny? That hat ain't no joke! This ain't no game!

Quick Hits...
Here's a box of fucking tissues. Try focusing less on words and more on the sticks and stones of your TD/INT ratio. Weird how this happened in a game involving Ron Artest. How does that girl from Laguna Beach/Paris Hilton/Tara Reid/half of the women of California feel about this?

NBA Preview: Detroit Pistons

Must...stay...away from...the block...

Changes:
First off, at the end of last season, they let the Serbian Gangsta and TeamUSA-killer Carlos Arroyo go to the Magic in exchange for Kelvin Cato, a future first-rounder and a packet of Metamucil (per Dale Davis's request). Horrific deal, you might say. But no, they did it because they figured they couldn't sign both Ben Wallace and Darko, so they chose Big Ben: the heart and soul of the team. What's that? They let him go to Chicago? Replaced him with who? Marginally-skilled, insanely-soft, defensively-challenged Nazr Mohammed? Yeah, he and Ben Wallace are basically six and two threes. It appears Joe Dumars chose to go with the seldom-used "subtraction by subtraction" plan this off-season. I guess they got Ronald Murray (huge chucker), so there's that. The luster of the Billups/Sheed/Prince/Hamilton moves is going to wear off soon, and Joe's gonna have some 'splainin' to do!

Style of Play:
Flip Saunders got the team running last year, but unless 'Sheed penetrates the force-field around the three-point line and gets down on the block where he's lethal, they're a strictly jumpshooting team, which is a problem. The good thing is that everyone's unselfish on the offensive end - almost to a fault. All that being said, their strength is still in their D and the Prince/Wallace combo will give teams matchup fits. Dale Davis will handle the lookfrightening duties.

Impact Player:
C.Billups. I would trust this man with my life. With 19 points, 9 dimes and only 2 turnovers, he's about as rock-solid as they come, not to mention having an enormous sack down the stretch of close games. And he keeps getting better. Good thing the Celtics traded him after 51 games. Fuck.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
I'll say Carlos Delfino. The man has to be storing some Darko-esque anger after riding pine for the last few years. The location would most certainly be at a cockfight w/lots of angry latinos. And tapas. He would also be wearing a Menudo shirt.

Prediction:
The 'stons will be near the top of the East yet again, but ultimately their championship run depends on three things: Jason Maxiell stepping up, Carlos Delfino getting 25 minutes a game, and Antonio McDyess staying healthy and effective. He won't because he's an undersized power forward, he won't because Flip Saunders doesn't know shit, and he won't because he has no knees. 58-24, playoffs, second round exit.

The Morning Wood - 10/25/06

Stud: MLB Players (I refuse to support the Cardinals in any way - so fuck Chris Carpenter).
A new labor deal was agreed to yesterday which resulted in minimal changes to the current agreement. So what does that mean for steroids? Absolutely nothing. Salary Cap? No. Nothing's changed. Um yeah, the news about this is that cheaters can continue to cheat, the wealthy teams will continue to eat up high-price free agents and announcers/reporters will be paid bonuses to fellate Jeter and chip away at A-Rod's ego.

Dud: Francisco Liriano
Similar to the likes of Darry Strawberry, Koren Robinson and Doc Gooden, Franciso Liriano's rehab isn't going too well. Let's hope he comes out of it. I'd hate for him to be a flash in the pan like these guys.

Talk Around The Cooler:
I guess things are bad when not only the players quit on you, but your staff can't deal with the tragedy that your football team has become. Hence, the resignation of Maurice Carthon as offensive coordinator of the Browns. If only he were a fuckin' soldier - maybe he could stick it out the rest of the season.

The Yankees are going to pick up Gary Sheffield's $13 million option for the pure purpose of trading him. Probably not a bad idea. Although, I'm sure this definitely irks Mr. Sheffield. If you didn't know, the reason he swings so hard at the ball isn't because he's trying to hit a homerun every at bat - it's because the ball is white. I doubt being put on the auction block going to sit well with him.

So, the Cowboys' season is done. Tony fuckin' Romo will be starting this week. And the nickname of Tony "Oh No" will be very fitting. I have nothing to look forward to anymore aside from Bill Parcells' man-pouch increasing in size week to week, Michael Irvin galavanting about how good the Cowboys are, T.O. trying to kill himself. OH, and me being able to sexually harass women all weekend - and have a legit excuse.

Quick Hits:
This comes as a HUGE surprise! Roy Williams is clearly delusional and I love it. KAZAAM!

NBA Preview: NO/OK Hornets

"And I said to Armani, make me look like piano keys"


Changes:
PJ Brown is gone! Was anyone else under the impression that his legs had the ability to shatter like candy canes at the slightest touch? But this is a team where the story is about the incoming: Peja Stojakovic, Tyson Chandler, Bobby Jackson (as well as two first round big men, although I can’t see them getting that much playing time). This merry band of overpaid individuals provides the Wasps with outside shooting, an interior defensive presence, and leg hair while also keeping a capable back up PG on the bench behind golden child Chris Paul after Speedy Claxton’s departure. What does this all mean? I’m concerned about the chemistry as Peja has been mopping around the last couple years after Vlade Divac decided to bring his carton-a-day habit back to the motherland and Bobby Jackson tends to be a shoot first and second PG. Is Tyson Chandler going to be an angry force or is he going to be an angry stiff who airballs layups? Keep an eye on David West, who led the team in scoring last year but might see his shot attempts decrease quicker than Britney Spears’ sex appeal.

Style of Play:
I am pretty sure that the Hornets run the old Nets offense which is a take on the Princeton offense, which means cuts, passing from all positions, and a 40 foot sailboat off of Martha’s vineyard. Chris Paul and Bobby Jackson will push the ball and Desmond Mason could be a beneficiary as Peja’s hair sweatpants might slow him down on the break.

Impact Player:
It has got to be Chris Paul. 16, 7.8 and 5 with 2.2 steals a game? Stat sheet filler. I think the most telling stat is his over 3 to 1 ratio of assists to turnover, a stat that is sometimes alarming in frosh PGs. Sophomore slumps don’t affect people this good. My only grip would be 28% from beyond the stripe.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
Marc Jackson. He’s a darkhorse but I’ll tell you why he’s my pick: He looks like the type of guy that gets really fucked up. Like 4 40’s at cocktail hour fucked up. I would like nothing more than to be arrested with MJ stealing horses from a rodeo in Oklahoma City.

Prediction:
Last year was a heartwarming story as the Oklahomans embraced this team and they finished last year at a respectable 38-44. But unfortunately, they still reside in the Southwest division with the big boys. The team has improved and I could see the record flip flopping to 44-38, the record that got Sacramento into the playoffs last year. With the return of the Rockets and the Timberwolves, I think the Hornets will just miss the playoffs this year. I’m sorry. Really New Orleans, I am.

Moments with Michael - Week 7

And now this week's installment of Moments with Michael - your weekly glimpse into the mind of a genius.

SU: You know what the first question is this week - what are your thoughts about the QB situation in Dallas?
MI: HAHAHAHA. Exactly my thoughts too. Well, it was bount ta happen. IT WAS BOUNT. TO. HAPPEN. AND LET ME TELL YOU WHY. Bledsoe back there was like watching Warren Moon beat his wife. How much more can one person take? MY MAN WARREN KEEPS HIS PIMP HAND STROOOONG! YOU GOT TO. YOU GOT TO IN THIS DAY AND AGE.

SU: So, do you agree with Parcells' decision.
MI: Well, what decision is there to make? Bill did what he needed to do. I don't understand what decision you talkin' bout MAN. HAHAHA. Because THIS IS THE NFL EAST. YOU NEEDS TO WIN IN THE MOMENT. NOT LATER. BUT IN THE MOMENT. I SOUND LIKE MY MAN IVERSON. HE'S THE ANSWER BUT I GOT A QUESTION!

SU: Yep...
MI: NOW LET ME TURNT THA TABLE AND AXE YOU A QUESTION. WHO DO YOU THINK IS THE BEST TEAM IN THE NFL. HAHAHAHA. RIGHT TJ?

SU: What the fuck...we're not on TV. Best team in the league? For me, it's a toss up between Indy and Chicago. Both have glaring weakness - one on defense, the other on offense.
MI: I see what you sayin, but I'm gonna say the Cowboys are the best team. Because Indy and Chicago. They can't. You know. They not gonna get any better. But the 'boys they just gettin in their stride. AND I SAID! AND I SAID! The winner of last night's game would be the team to beat in the NFC East. The Cowboys lost, but you CANNOT TELL ME THEY DID NOT HAVE THEY CHANCES TO WIN THAT GAME. AND THEY DIDN'T PLAY WELL. So, my choice for best team in the league, is the best team in the most competitive division - THE. TERRELL. COWBOYS. SIMPLE AS THAT, MAN.

SU: A few people are saying Mike Vick's game against the Steelers could be one of the springboard games for his career. Do you agree?
MI: DEFINITELY. I would imagine his game will be top notch just like it is with the women. HENCE THE NAME. RONALD. TEXACO.

SU: Ron Mexico. I doubt he's too fond of that nomenclature.
MI: GNOMES AND NATURE? HAHAHA. YOU CRAZY MAN. AND NOW WE FLIP IT BACK TO YOU, MORT.

SU: Interview's not quite over. Name the first thought that comes to mind after I name your co-workers.
MI: OK!

SU: Tom Jackson
MI: TOM. AS IN UNCLE TOM. MOTHERFUCKER ALWAYS TRYIN' TO TALK OVER ME AND SHIT...

SU: I think we'll just stop right there.
MI: Genius.
SU: No, that comment wasn't a part of the game. It's over now. As is this interview.
MI: OH. HAHA. YOU TOO FUNNY MAN. STAY TUNED FOR MORE OF NFL. COUNTDOWN.

Sports Untertainment: RED ALERT!

BREAKING NBA NEWS...

The Morning Wood - 10/24/2006

Stud: Buffalo Sabres
The Buffalo Sabres are off to their best start in franchise history at 9-0. I know that no one watches hockey but they are quite an impressive group to watch, like the Suns of the NHL. That statement can’t be backed up in any way. If Pat Lafontaine wasn’t in his seventh straight year of migraines due to his 43rd career concussion, I’m sure he would be celebrating. Unfortunately, based on my knowledge of plate tectonics, weather patterns and wind currents, I am predicting that the Sabres will have to forfeit at least 25 games this year due to roughly a shitload of snow, potentially ruining a run at the best record in league history. Sidenote: Did the Sabre have an offseason affair with the San Diego Charger Bolt and produce a bastard child?

Dud: Cowboy QBs
This just in: Drew Bledsoe is not mobile! This also just in: Tony Romo is mobile but not exactly NFL-experienced! Bill Parcells has forced himself into a QB controversy that could just ruin the ‘Boys entire season. Bledsoe is not one of those “help the replacement out” type of guys but he also isn’t one of those “avoid the pass rush/look off a safety/release the ball in a timely manner” type of guys so Tuna is stuck with either a crap pile in the backfield or a cancer in the clubhouse. Good luck, especially with so many other high character guys on the team. Tony Romo has got to be a porno name. Somewhere, Jerry Jones is wishing he still had the ability to grimace.

Talk Around the Cooler:
I hate it when coordinators get fired from teams that clearly just have major issues. The latest to fall is Maurice Carthon of the Browns. You think Maurice’s offense would have worked somewhat better with, I don’t know, the Colts running it? You think Jim Fassel’s offense could thrive if he didn’t have to work with Steve Mcnair’s bounce passes and Jamal Lewis’ inability to make a cut with ankle cuffs on? Don’t fire the coordinators, fire the people drafting and recycling old ineffective talent. Or, in Brian Billick’s case, just fire the frigging pompous ass of a coach.

Quick Hits:
Everybody wants Bobby Bowden to retire, after the ‘Noles fell to White Boy U Boston College. I disagree because the Florida State program isn’t just about winning games: It’s about learning and maturing as well. A father pulled a gun on a coach of his son’s football team, apparently upset that his 6 year old son wasn’t getting enough playing time. Nice country. Sorry sir, but it's obvious your son sucks at football. He's probably gay too. Are you going to plant a car bomb on his ballet teacher's minivan in the future? Some people are speculating that Sebastian Telfair might have had more of a role in the shooting of rapper Fabolous than he is letting on. If I’m Telfair I’m not too concerned because we all know that that shit is going to get pinned on Shyne. Just to answer your question Hank Williams Jr: Yes, I am ready for some football, but not to the same degree that I'm ready for you to just fuck off.

Chris Brown's CD Song List if it was actually performed by Chris Brown, NFL RB

Run It!
Yo (Excuse me Missed Tackle)
Vince Young Love
Gimme That ball Jeff Fisher
Ya Man Ain’t me, he’s probably Travis Henry
Winner, just not in the standings
Ain’t No Way (You Won’t Love Me (Unless you drafted me in your fantasy league))
What’s My Name? No seriously. The Oilers? The Titans? I can’t figure it out.
Is This Love or is Kerry Collins just drunk and horny again?
Poppin’ vicodin
Just Fine catching 2 DNPs this year
Say Goodbye Eddie George
Run It! (Remix)
Thank You for eating my wings Lendale

The Morning Wood - 10/23/2006

Stud: Kenny Rogers
The Gambler was dealin' for the third straight time last night, going eight innings while allowing two hits and no runs in a 3-1 Tigers victory, all this while acting like a psycho on the mound. He's turned into a huge John Rocker. That being said, watching him paint the outside corner with that nasty slider all night was sports artistry at its finest, not to mention the several slick-fielding plays he made. He's brought his playoff scorless innings streak to 24 1/3 innings, just a few behind the record-holding Hall-of-Famer Christy Mathewson. There was a what-should-have-been-slight-yet-is-turning-into-a-huge controversy over some brown goop in his left hand in the first inning, but as Todd Jones said, it could have been chocolate cake, a theory that is supported by Jones's dental impression in Rogers's palm.

Dud: Shawne Merriman
Last year's NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year will apparently be suspended for four games after violating the NFL's drug policy after testing positive for 'roids. Looks like ink wasn't the only thing he was injecting (but if those lats are wrong, I don't want to be right. Meow.). This puts a slight roadblock in the budding career of the man that seemed to be the heir-apparent to Ray Lewis as the game's most overenthusiastic, hyped middle linebacker. Maybe he can take this time to sit down with his family and do some serious self-reflection about taking that E out of his first name.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Now, I'm not NFL offensive coordinator, nor have I ever claimed to know the intricacies involved in play-calling and game management, but how in the name of Akili Smith does anyone let Joey Harrington throw the ball 62 times in one game? I actually think Harrington gets a lot more shit that he deserves, and that he's at least a mediocre QB, but this is like Greg Popovich telling Beno Udrih to get out there and do his best Kobe Bryant impression: there's just no need for it. It's not even like the game was ever out of hand. Harrington broke Dan Marino's record, and while I'm sure Joey is a nice guy who can tickle the ivories and all, you're never going to see him hawkin' Isotoners or starring alongside Jim Carey. Someone needs to get fired over this.

I might be about to say something really stupid, but when it's all said and done, Champ Bailey might be one of the 5 best players to ever put on a football uniform. Yes, I said it. Watch him one week. He doesn't have the mouth of a Ray Lewis, Chad Johnson or Fred Smoot, but he's probably the only guy in the league who changes the entire complexion of the game every week, without fail. That's all.

Quick Hits...
43-year-old Jamie Moyer just signed a 2-year contract extension with the Phillies. I'm not sure why, but IN YO' FACE! Speaking of washed-up performers, why the fuck are you singing a Chevy truck commercial before Game 2 of the World Series? Yes, this is Our Country, but I want you to stay in your Small Town b/c your music Hurts So Bad. Hooray Mellencamp jokes! Jeanne Zelasko's hair is holding her head hostage.

The Morning Wood - 10/20/2006

Welcome to today's Morning Wood. It's being done by a sleep deprived, single male. He is not happy today. Don't expect much (like you ever do from me). On a lighter note - happy birthday to Hasmitt, I got him an escort in her mid-30's a few weeks back as my gift to him. And let me tell you, he fuckin loved it. He'll love the STD's too. Here's to Hasmitt!!

Stud: Justin Rose
The Englishman, by way of South Africa shot an opening round 60, and was actually disappointed with that score. Talk about high standards. I'm glad I have low standards - makes life easier and less disappointing. For example, I would bet that Preston Wilson doesn't mind that he's the only player in MLB history to have more strikeouts than at bats - he's just happy to be playing professional baseball. Low standards is the way to go.

Dud: Braden (Billy Wagner) Looper
No, Mr. Wagner didn't give up the 2-run shot to fucking Orestes Destrade, but he should have been out there last night in the 9th inning. Not Aaron Heilman, who in my opinion is a pretty good reliever, but not someone who should be pitching in that situation. Randolph's reluctance to use Wagner last night is akin to this guy's reluctance to admit he's black - unparalleled.

Talk Around The Cooler:
So some internet fucks decided to have an online "writing competition" to see who could create the scariest threat. This fun little game was relayed to those responsible guys at the Dept. of Homeland Security, who stepped in and found out threats of bombs being detonated at stadiums this weekend was a hoax. How bout I just take out the link and write the whole fucking article? God this is horrible. Apparently playing Dungeons and Dragons just wasn't cutting it anymore for these guys.

Tiki Barber is retiring at the end of the season. Big fucking deal! And motherfuckers need to stop discussing whether he's Hall of Fame caliber. If he gets in, then the following players deserve to get in too: Blair Thomas, Gus Frerotte, Lawrence Phillips and Heath Shuler. All great players, but left the game too early.

MLB and the Players Union are reportedly close to a new labor deal. What does this mean? Nothing. Bud Selig will contine to be fellate Donald Fehr and Barry Bonds' dome will continue to have planets orbit it.

Quick Hits:
Great letter to John Madden from Madden 2007's worst-rated player. I think safety issues should be more of a concern, rather than height. I'd call these moments of comic relief rather than blunders.

The Morning Wood - 10/20/2006

Welcome to today's Morning Wood. It's being done by a sleep deprived, single male. He is not happy today. Don't expect much (like you ever do from me). On a lighter note - happy birthday to Hasmitt, I got him an escort in her mid-30's a few weeks back as my gift to him. And let me tell you, he fuckin loved it. He'll love the STD's too. Here's to Hasmitt!!

Stud: Justin Rose
The Englishman, by way of South Africa shot an opening round 60, and was actually disappointed with that score. Talk about high standards. I'm glad I have low standards - makes life easier and less disappointing. For example, I would bet that Preston Wilson doesn't mind that he's the only player in MLB history to have more strikeouts than at bats - he's just happy to be playing professional baseball. Low standards is the way to go.

Dud: Braden (Billy Wagner) Looper
No, Mr. Wagner didn't give up the 2-run shot to fucking Orestes Destrade, but he should have been out there last night in the 9th inning. Not Aaron Heilman, who in my opinion is a pretty good reliever, but not someone who should be pitching in that situation. Randolph's reluctance to use Wagner last night is akin to this guy's reluctance to admit he's black - unparalleled.

Talk Around The Cooler:
So some internet fucks decided to have an online "writing competition" to see who could create the scariest threat. This fun little game was relayed to those responsible guys at the Dept. of Homeland Security, who stepped in and found out threats of bombs being detonated at stadiums this weekend was a hoax. How bout I just take out the link and write the whole fucking article? God this is horrible. Apparently playing Dungeons and Dragons just wasn't cutting it anymore for these guys.

Tiki Barber is retiring at the end of the season. Big fucking deal! And motherfuckers need to stop discussing whether he's Hall of Fame caliber. If he gets in, then the following players deserve to get in too: Blair Thomas, Gus Frerotte, Lawrence Phillips and Heath Shuler. All great players, but left the game too early.

MLB and the Players Union are reportedly close to a new labor deal. What does this mean? Nothing. Bud Selig will contine to be fellate Donald Fehr and Barry Bonds' dome will continue to have planets orbit it.

Quick Hits:
Great letter to John Madden from Madden 2007's worst-rated player. I think safety issues should be more of a concern, rather than height. I'd call these moments of comic relief rather than blunders.

Opportunities Available to Tiki Barber If He Retires

Take away a “friend’s” crack pipe
Be acquitted of murdering some white folk
Become Mr. Angie Harmon
Wear glow in the dark suits
WWF
Take roles that Dennis Rodman turns down
Translate Shannon Sharpe
Punch a Prostitute
Do Radio Shack commercials with Vanessa Williams
Run for Political Office
Impersonate his brother at team meetings to piss off Gruden
Become a Tom to Chris Berman
Spend time with his family

The Morning Wood 10/19/2006

Stud: John "Remember the" Maine
Well, somebody stepped up for the Mets last night (okay, Jose Reyes did too but I really feel like tossing him a Stud nod would just encourage kids to do shots of poprocks and Red Bull before playing their little league games). Here would be a fun TV show: Have Carlos Beltran and John Maine sit next to each other and contestants have to guess if Beltran said "Maine" or "mayn" to his teammate. Howie Mayndel could host. There would also be an abundance of soulless models...and Emeril in the corner working on the french fries. Bam!

Dud: Billy Vogner
So we are headed to game 7 of the NLCS tonight. Let's just say it's a tight game, maybe the Mets are up one after Endy Chavez is able to score from first due to the 7 crowhops and three cut offs necessary for David Eckstein to reach Pujols on a groundball, Willie Randolph has visions of Sham-pawn-ya dancing in his head, he looks down to the bullpen, and holy shit, Billy Wagner is pinned under a bloated ERA of nearly 17. I mean, I haven't seen a whip this fat since this guy tossed 18's on a pinto. God, I hate that show. Anyway, Billy the Adult needs to step up his game or else it might be up to BradChadford, ChadFadBored, BardFatChored...and nobody wants that.
Talk Around the Cooler:
I would just like to say that I don’t think it matters who wins that NLCS tonight because the Tigers are going to plow through them. They have such an abundance of live young arms (with two noticeable exceptions: FranKennystein and Todd Jones, who?, Todd Jones (who sucks by the way)) that they have the ability to shut down either of the NL lineups. And there lineup seems to contain a never ending assembly line (unlike Ford) of dudes that hit .260 but hit 25 homeruns. This is big because people that hit .260 aren’t ashamed to bunt a guy over, hit to the right side with a guy on second, ground out or fly out to drive a guy in. I mean shit, they’re only hitting .260, how could you have an ego? The only real concerns I have about the team are some trained assassin/hair stylist sneaking into Magglio Sampson Ordonez’s house and leaving him with a high fade, Pudge Rodriguez and his Olson twin frame getting drunk off of one beer at the post game celebration and trying to kiss Bud Selig, and the possible death of any player who manages to put out one of Jim Leyland’s Pall Mall’s with any sort of liquid. I still say Tigers in five.

Quick Hits...
The person who revealed the amount of corruption involved in the Salt Lake City bidding process has passed away. Just for my sake, could we stop calling him a "whistleblower"? Seems like a negative connotation. Now I can die in peace! MLB, proving that there are few limits to their greed, now offer the chance to have official team logos on urns and caskets!!! Unfortunately they are offering both the Cubs and the Red Sox logos, so Matt Clement's family is conflicted as to what team he would have wanted on his casket. Not dead you say? Riiiight. The Chinese girls' gymnastic team beat the poo out of the US team at some championship thing. Apparently this was an upset. Bela Karolyi was so upset, he was unable to sleep with even one 14 year old girl that night. Too much?

For Your Viewing Pleasure...

I really should just promote YouTube fulltime. This video is old, but in my opinion one of the best stiff arms I've ever seen. If I were the couch of UNC, I would have kicked the player off the team immediately for embarrasing himself and the university. Enjoy this classic...

The Morning Wood - 10/18/2006

Stud: Jeff Weaver
Possibly motivated by the desire to not be the lesser half of the greatest brother/brother talent disparity since this duo (or maybe exhibit A and B), Jeff threw another solid playoff start, going 6 inning while giving up only 2 runs on 6 hits to the vaunted Metropolitan's lineup. He and younger brother Jared look so much alike that I'm beginning to wonder whether the Cardinals are pulling the ol' Lookie-Lou, to reference the horrific movie that was Ocean's Twelve. Either way, kudos to whatever Weaver stepped out there and got the job done. If the Cardinals make it to the World Series with their rotation/lineup, I'm going to start a group that will advocate for the reinstatment of rampant, possibly manditory, steriod-use.

Dud: Shaun Rogers
Speaking of juicin', Shaun Rogers has been suspended for four games under the NFL's steroid and related substances policy. One caveat, though: the drug he took supposedly was not an anabolic steroid, but actually something used to control his weight that he claims came from a supplement bought at GNC. Since when does a defensive tackle try to control their weight? And what is the NFL saying? That they'd rather have this than someone who is trying to keep their weight at a "reasonable" 345 lbs? Is the league in cahoots with diabetes drug manufacturers?

Talk Around the Cooler:
This story has reached untapped bounds of hilarity in all ways. First off, I'm fairly certain that the principals (Robert Lugo, Elpidio Uribe, Jose Manuel Encarnacion, Antonio Gonzalez Perez) are all Major League baseball players. Also, Uribe, who denies shooting anyone, claims that he's being extorted for 1 million pesos, or roughly $0.63 American. Juan, you make over $3 million a year; if you could make this all go away from a million pesos, you would have done it. Also, one man involved is being referred to as "the Italian." How about everyone calms down over there in the DR so that when the Mets get knocked out of the playoffs, Pedro Martinez can go back home and spend the winter sitting under his mango tree. Santo Domingo, indeed!

Quick Hits...
. . . and it's the first defending he's done in six years in the league. Bah-zing! (please don't tell him I said that). Scroll down to the YouTube video and enjoy. That's 6'1" of the Celtics future. Color me sold. In the most important nonsportsrelated story of the day, if they can't make it, who can? I smell a variety show in someone's future! He's like the African-American male Kelly Ripa.

Koren Robinson's Ipod Playlist

One thing we don't do at Sports Untertainment is make light of other people's faults. That being said, the NFL has given Koren Robinson a solid year to drink his problems away. Let's hope he finds the right alcoholic beverage to keep him from getting suspended anymore in the future. Before we say, "happy trails" to Johnny Drinksalot, he was kind enough to provide us with some songs on his current playlist. You'll see that drinking definitely isn't top of mind with this man:

Nas - Drunk By Myself
Bob Marley - Red, Red Wine
Muddy Waters - Whiskey Blues
Def Leppard - Wasted
Billy Joel - Captain Jack
Oasis - Cigarrettes & Alcohol
Beck - Alcohol
Mobb Deep - Drink Away The Pain
ZZ Top - Beer Drinkers and Hellraisers
Bone Thugs 'n Harmony - Bless Da 40' Oz
Linkin Park - Breaking The Habit
Snoop Dogg - Gin & Juice
Tupac - Hennessy
Geto Boys - My Mind's Playin' Tricks On Me
Curtis Mayfield - Pusherman
Three 6 Mafia - Sippin On Some Syzurp
The Roots - Water
Willie Nelson - Whiskey River
Jimmy Buffett - Margaritaville

The Morning Wood - 10/17/06

Stud: Bears Defense
Or is it offense? The Bears D has outscored the Bears offense in two of the past three games. Obviously this is a new scheme that Lovie Smith has unveiled and the league just hasn't caught up with it. Some good news for the Bears offense though, Rex Grossman got off his high horse and decided to play like other great U. of Florida QB's of yesteryear - Danny Wuerffel and Jesse Palmer.

Dud: Edgerrin James
As bad as he played last night, Edgerrin still managed to set an NFL record last night - for mediocrity. Thirty six carries, for 55 yards. Ladies and gentleman, the record holder for most carries in a game with fewest yards gained. Congrats, Edgerrin. Only one thing comes to mind when thinking about your decision to leave the Colts for the Cardinals. Nobody said the guys at "the U" were smart.

Talk Around The Cooler:
Speaking of Miami, how amazing/sad was the ho-down against FIU on Saturday night? There's a term the NCAA uses called "lack of institutional control." That might apply to this football program. A few things of note: this event effectively ends Larry Coker's term at Miami, Lamar Thomas (the commentator in the video) is comical/ridiculous and #19 for Miami, Brandon Meriweather apparently likes hitting - excuse me, kicking and stepping on players while they're down since it seems he can't really bring them down himself. I wonder what it feels like be used as a pinball and a hurdle within a 1.5 second span. Amazing. WE READY! WE READY!

So apparently Mike Tyson is expanding his opponents to those of the opposite gender for his barnstorming tour. Conveniently, Tyson's proposed opponent is completely unaware of this arrangement. If there's one thing I'd say about Tyson, it's that he's clever. What better way to beat a woman senseless and not be punished for it by saying the two of you planned it? Brilliant! Ok, ok not a funny comment. I'm all for women's rights, okay bitches? Fine, how 'bout if Mike Tyson pleasured you so much it hurt?

So apparently the new chic criminal offense this fall is shooting (at) people. At least that's what my #1 fantasy draft pick (you fuckers really think I'm joking) and Juan Uribe would have you believe. I'm hoping Ozzie Guillen gives Uribe a serious tongue lashing (not that kind, you dirty bastards) for this. I mean seriously, a pellet gun? At least use a gun that can do some serious bodily harm. Fucking amateurs. I guarantee you Stephen Jackson and Zach Randolph are having a field day with this story. "Morning shootaround" doesn't quite have the same meaning it used to in the NBA.

Quick Hits:
If you weren't excited about Piniella coming back to manage, I hope this helps you out. Imagine if someone had stolen his wallet! Sticking with Lou for one second, he also wants the biggest under-achieving overachiever on his team. And finally, you guys might think she likes to stare intently into the camera, but I'm here to tell you that Rachel Nichols gives me serious sex eyes during ESPN broadcasts. I know you guys are jealous. And she doesn't even blink! Amazing.

Moments With Michael - Week 6

The football season may have started 6 weeks ago, but when was the last time we were ever on top of things. Introducing Moments with Michael, our weekly conversation with one of the most esteemed commentators in the game today, Michael Irvin. Here you'll receive the most insightful look atthe upcoming week in the NFL.

SU: Michael, first of all I want to thank you for this opportunity, we sincerely appreciate it.
MI: HAHAHAHAHA. YEAH MAN, that's what I keep tellin you. Right Mike?

SU: No, I'm Giddy.
MI: Yeah, I wasn't talkin' t you man. That was me talkin' to myself. Gettin myself pumped up for this interview.

SU: Fair enough. Before we get into this week's football topics, there's no way I can let an interview go without discussing your attire. For those not in attendance I'll give you a thorough description: A lime green 3-piece, pinstripe suit. The stripes are pink. This is tastefully accented with an electric pink shirt and a tie-dyed bow tie. But let's not forget the accents. Bright green snake skin shoes with a matching snake skin belt. Oh wait, Michael is emptying his pockets...out he pulls a lime green crack pipe to show me. This, ladies and gentleman is why I love this man. Now that that's done, what are your top 3 storylinesfor this past week?
MI: HAHAHAHA. Man, you CRAZY. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Well you know it's got to be the Towboys. No ladies and gentleman I did not mist-speak. The TO - T-O Boys. Dat his team. Yesterday's pahfoormance was like. WHO'S CITY IS IT? It's my city and it is my team. I know it not Parcells' city. I KNOW IT's not Parcells, city. Right TJ?

SU: What?
MI: SO YOU SAYIN' T.O. DOESN'T WANT TO WIN? HAHAHAHAHA. BECAUSE THERE WERE BLIPS IN THAT GAME AND HE. BLAME HIM AND YOU WRONG. IT'S THE NFC EAST. THAT'S HOW WE PLAY. T.O. WANT TO WIN. Fuck the Eagles!

SU: Is any of this English?
MI: HAHAHA. Yeah, the playcalling. That's is what did them in, you see. AIN'T THAT RIGHT TJ?

SU: I don't think Tom Jackson is anywhere present.
MI: HAHAHA. Well let's talk about the other TJ - Larry Johnston.

SU: Larry Johnson
MI: Ain't that's what I said? Well anyways, he was like the Exorcism last week with that move he did. Never seen that on the football field. HAHAHAHA. Can you buhleeve what did to to my man Pot-and-matu yesterday? Now, over to Boomer.

SU: Stop that! Interesting pronunciation, by the way. What about this upcoming week?
MI: The STEELERS versus the Falcums. Man, expect to see Vick flying all through the field...you know what I mean? HA. Potamalu and Joey Porter's pit bulls gon try turn him to horsemeat. PETA what you got to say 'bout that. Check out the skin on my shoes and HOLLA at me! HAHAHA. My closet is a pet cemetary!

SU: Next story?
MI: Who will be traded? Will he be traded? It's all 'bout the diminishing skills or is the man not interest. And you know who I am referencin'. Randy Mast. Moss. And the otha porter. The REAL Porter, Jerry. The deadline is comin, man HAHAHAHA. Right Mort?

SU: There is no fucking Chris Mortensen around here. And it's not Sunday morning. What the fuck is wrong with you? And to paraphrase for the audience - crackhead Jenkins over here thinks one of the Raiders wide receivers might be traded.
MI: Bigxactly!! And my last storyline this week is Carooolina and the Benghouls. Say that wit' me Giddy, GHOUUUULS. And all I gots to say is trick or treat. It's almost Halls of Wing, and I'm gettin some tricks I don't know 'bout you HAHAHA. AND YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!! The question is what treats they be givin me. All I know is it better involve vanilla frosting. So there's my pick between those two.

SU: Wait what's the pick?
MI: Well, Giddy. That's not my job. That's not my job. We'll see next week.

SU: With that last comment we should really end things there. Mike, really appreciate your time, really looking forward to next week. Or am I?
MI: HAHAHAHAHA. I am too man, I am too. Now, let's throw it back to COACH DITKA!

SU: Motherfucker, this isn't Countdown. Stop that shit!

The Morning Wood - 10/16/2006

Stud: Carlos Delgado
Somebody is excited to be in the playoffs finally! Carlos Delgado isn’t just a guy with a great set of teeth. He went 2-4 last night with his 3rd homerun of the NLCS in a 12-5 Game 4 Mets victory. Honorable mention has to go to Carlos Beltran for his abuse of Cardinals pitching the last two years (7 HRs) that has led to the usually even tempered St. Louis fans actually booing him at times. Although I must admit that I only consider Beltran a 4 tool player at this point. He looks very slow in the outfield and can’t seem to come in on any balls. I wasn’t sure how to make a joke there but it was probably going to involve Andy Dick.

Dud: The Raiders
So due to someone’s drinking problem at a certain TV network, the Raiders somehow managed to find themselves in a game with a national primetime broadcast. And wow, people had been saying that they were bad, but it’s one of those situations that you have to see for yourself to truly experience the suck. I don’t know where to start with this team. 13 Penalties. One stinkin’ field goal. Andrew Walter (who?) tossing an INT at the one. Warren Sapp questioning the length of Jerry Porter’s suspension. The only thing Sapp has managed to get a grip on in the last three years is a microphone. This is what happens when you bring back a head coach who was incompetent and out of his element ten years ago and expect anything of out of him. This team will be helpless until they are moved back to L.A. and Al Davis disappears.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Umm, what exactly did Steve Lyons say that was wrong? I’m not saying that he’s going to be missed but I don’t get it. First off, things that we know are true: Steve Lyons is a little bit out there. Lou Piniella is about Hispanic as my forearm freckles (if he were truly Hispanic, his last name would be pronounced “Pah nee ya”). The “finding a wallet” analogy sucked to begin with. But I don’t think that he should be fired. I’ll take Steve Lyons making slightly odd comments about people stealing his wallet and not being able to understand Piniella over Tim McCarver explaining to me that it’s good when pitchers throw first pitch strikes. Stupid P.C. world that we live in today.

Quick Hits...
Speaking of Jose Juan Carlos Louis Piniella, he might be getting the Cubs managing job. Pencil him back in for color commentary for the 2008 playoffs. Go Tigers! Detroit advanced to the World Series on the strength of Magglio Mullet's walk off HR. I am slightly concerned about Tigers fans getting cocky though, as they didn't see the need to burn cars and murder people after the victory. Is anyone else excited for Stephen Jackson's true defense in court, the "that big moon thing was looking at me all funny and I had to straighten it out" plea?

The Morning Wood - 10/13/2006

Stud: Tom Glavine
Alright, who's ready for an SAT analogy? Here we go. . .
Sampson : hair as Tom Glavine : ?
If you guessed "FUPA," you're correct! As this wiley vet gets more bulbous around the waist/crotch region, his changeup gets that much more deceiving. He tossed 7 innings of 4-hit ball against a formerly venerable Cardinals lineup - which now consists of Albert Pujols surrounded by 7 guys from Nelly's entourage. Yay-uh! I guess I'm impressed by the start, but when you're facing a lineup whose #2 hitter once struck out 187 times in a season, you're not exactly going up against '76 Reds.

Dud: Radar Guns
I can't believe it took that rag USA Today to finally break some news about this, but at least someone has stepped up to the plate (pun intended) and call out FOX/ESPN on their questionable radar gun readings. I have no doubt that Joel Zumaya tosses the ball 100, and that Verlander can crank it up to the high 90s, but 103 and 101, respectively? That's Danny Almonte stuff, right there. Christ, they had MLB punchline Joel Kennedy throwing at 97 against the Tigers, and if you expect me to believe that this physique can toss it 96, you're sadly mistaken. Even Kenny Rodgers, who at 41 probably has trouble getting anything up, can get his heater up to 94, according to FOX. Yes, we're dumb Americans who like fast things, but don't deceive us like that, FOX.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Stephen Jackson was released after pleading not guilty and posting a $10k bond in relation to a fight outside of a Indianapolis strip club. After Jackson was punched in the head and eluded a car that was trying to hit him, he got his gun and fired it in the air five times, which I'm guessing is a hourly activity for him. Never has it been easier to picture someone doing that in my mind than it is w/good ol'SJ. Jackson's attorney was quoted as saying, "A group of thugs attacked a group of young men who were there." Which group Jackson is considered to be part of has yet to be determined. Fortunately, coach Rick Carlisle said that the distraction shouldn't be a problem, b/c Jackson "is a smart guy. He picks things up very quickly." Yes, like firearms, technical fouls, suspensions, felony charges and venerial diseases. Who's ready for the NBA!!!

Quick Hits...
Kurt Warner says that he might retire at the end of the season to spend more time w/his husband. This story needs to go away. My diagnosis? Chronic Mediocrity. There are an alarming number of "late withdrawls" and "player pullouts" on the WTA Tour. This is funny b/c I'm five-years-old. For a more effective method of contraception, I suggest having sex in a hot tub.

The Morning Wood - 10/11/2006

Stud: Brandon Inge
Detroit Rock City! Brandon Inge, the catcher turned center fielder turned 3rd baseman, went 3 for 3 with a home run, 2 RBI's and a walk leading the Tigers (meow!) to a 5-1 victory over soon to be overpaid Barry Zito and the Athletics in game 1 of the ALCS. At least we know the A's woke up to the fact that they shouldn't even be in the championship series. I am so impressed with his exploits that I'm officially changing the name of my favorite hobby to "inge" drinking. Catchy!

Dud: Lawrence "Bumper Car" Phillips
Now Larry, let's just forgot about the fact that you Roy Tarpley and Ike Turner'd your way out of the NFL despite having an abundance of talent. That's been done. But man, you are a pretty sore loser. I've lost my fair share of pick up football games. Here's what you do: you take your Nerf turbo and you go home. You don't try and run your opponents over after. Well, now you're convicted of seven counts of assault with a deadly weapon and looking at up to 20 years in prison. Just so you know, “The Longest Yard” wasn’t actually a documentary and Adam Sandler isn’t going to be your QB, he’s not even in jail. Although I wouldn’t mind if he was.

Talk Around The Cooler:
So apparently Joe Torre is coming back after all of these needledick journalists said that he was already out the door. Yeah, needledick. I personally was hoping that he was leaving because I think he is a very good manager, especially in a hostile environment like the Citay. George Steinbrenner is a grumpy old man but he is no longer as wild and stupid as he once was. The long and short of it isn’t Torre, or even A-Rod for that matter, it’s the fact that you can’t win a five game series unless you have competent pitching. The sparkling Wang seems to be quite the find, up until the point he goes all Irabu/Contreras on them. But who else? Mousse the aged? Only Randy after popping Levitra Johnson? Until they find a reliable #2 who wasn’t around to march in protest of Vietnam, the Yankees aren’t going to win a World Series. And that isn’t Torre’s fault.

Quick Hits:
Watch out for the Celtics. And for people with porn mustaches. The NBA is going to cut down on complaining after foul calls, enforcing its zero tolerance policy. This is going to be a problem, especially for Antoine Walker, who has never actually commited a foul in his pro career and should have the right to plead his case each time. Democrat hopeful Heath Shuler is attempting to gain some votes by attaching his name to NASCAR. Yes, because NASCAR is such a blue state sport.