The Morning Wood - 08/29/2006

Stud: Carson Palmer
Welcome back Mr. Fantasy Stud. In his first action since Kim Von Oelhoffen (german for “fucking cheap shot”) mangled his knee, Palmer went 9 for 14 with 3 TDs, providing smiles for Cincinnati fans in an offseason that was filled with Miranda rights and wrongs. It also provided me with a frown as I should have picked this fella in my fantasy league instead of selecting Kurt Warner in the 7th. Damnit. Not to be lost in the glow of good QBing, Brett Favre was 12 of 25 with an interception and a fumble. 47 white broadcasters found this to be the true sign of a “gamer” and “gun slinger”. Fuck white people.

Dud: Carl Pavano
Who knew that the next best Red Sox-produced Yankee killer would actually be on the Yankees roster? Pavano hasn’t pitched in a game since June of 2005! To put that in perspective, that time period was even long enough for Jason Kendall to somehow hit a ball over a fence. Now the latest is that he has two broken ribs that he didn’t mention for two weeks after his car was struck by Jeff Kent on his motorcycle with Clint Barmes riding in the side car, completely covered in deer meat. Don’t lie to a baseball team, they will find out. Your girl on the other hand, tell her whatever she needs to hear.

Talk Around the Cooler:
U-S-A! U-S-A! So the U.S. won another little league world series yesterday, as Columbus, Georgia defeated Kawaguchi City, Japan 2-1. Cody Walker hit a 2 run homerun and pitcher Kyle Carter struck out 11 for the complete game victory, guaranteeing them both some substantial levels of groupie pouzzle once they discover that girls don’t have cooties. No word on whether the team will be immediately signed to Ludacris’ Disturbing the Peace label or how George W. Bush will spin this victory into justification for the war in Iraq. I feel like the U.S. team had a significant advantage as how are Japanese youth going to get any practicing in when they’re in school from 6am to 6pm 330 days of the year. So while maybe one of the U.S. player will grow up to be a limp hitting 3rd baseman, it is much more likely that one of the Japanese kids grows up to develop a mind control device that allows Japan to take over the U.S. Cheers to that!

Quick Hits...
TO apparently missed meetings on Friday because he overslept. I can see why he wanted his salary restructured with the Eagles: He wasn’t even making enough to buy a fucking alarm clock. Poor poor guy. Jeff Reardon, the former Red Sox reliever, was ruled not guilty due to insanity for a robbery arrest. I know two current Red Sox relievers that are guilty as shit for stealing the money in their contracts without working for it: Mop and Up. After the TO soap opera, the Eagles were looking for some stability in their wide receiving corps. So they signed Donte Stallworth, a paradigm of consistency and work ethic. Finally, just when their whiskey bar tabs were approaching six figure levels, Jeff George and Kerry Collins were signed yesterday by the Raiders and Titans respectively. How’s that for a couple votes of confidence, Aaron Brooks and Billy Volek?