The Afternoon NR Wood - 06/30/2006

Due to planes, dial up, and alcohol, the Morning Wood had to be transformed into the Afternoon No Reason Wood.

Stud: Coco Crisp.
Screw whatever I said earlier in the week about not wanting my personal affiliations to get in the way of the Wood. I have to give love to Coco Crisp's catch to preserve a painfully earned one run lead, a run that he had scored the inning before. That was one of those catches where you just have to say "oh" and walk away. Kind of like her.

Dud:Jose Canseco.
Oh, so your book advance ran out? Jose Canseco is returning to baseball with the San Diego Surf Dawgs. Apparently he is going to DH and pitch. I don't even know what to say about this. Well at least Da Brat can rest assured that the Surreal Life doesn't ruin your career. I guess.

Talk Around The Cooler
Zee Germans win again. There is nothing like the World Cup to rekindle feelings of pride about your heritage. Of course that is the same heritage that you attempt to hide in 7th grade World History class when you discuss the two World Wars. Oh well, The German team moves past Argentina in penalty kicks, 4-2. Today the semifinals, tomorrow the RHINELANDS!! Too bad they don't have this lovely lady cheering them on: there is no way that Brazil loses the (C) Cup with this suppport (PFFFFTTTT, support). Brian Scalabrine is apparently a big Brazil fan too.

Scandal at the Tour de France (translation: Tour of France)! Is Jan Ullrich all right in that picture? The three bikers who finished behind Jesus Armstrong were all barred from this year's Tour. Something smells fishy here. It reeks of scandal: My theory? George W Bush told France that if they didn't take attention away from the doping allegations tossed at his homeboy, he was going to get going with this renaming french things as "freedom" things. They tossed these three under the bus, and now no one is mentioning Armstrong. Hmm, I should probably take a couple days off from drinking.

Quick Hits
Your mom was a quick hit at the bachelor party I was at last night. I keed, I keed.
Greg Anderson must have a serious man crush on Barry Bonds to refuse to testify to a grand jury. I'm sure Bonds will pay him back by calling him a honky and spitting on his soul patch. Oh Eddie Griffin . There is a joke there about not being able to shoot/stroke it while driving but it seems too obvious. Isiah Thomas has much less time to turn around his car in his driveway.

It is sad to hear about Lamar Odom's infant son passing away. RIP to the little fella.

The Morning Wood - 06/29/2006

Stud: Andrea Bargnani.
Of course he hasn't set foot on an NBA court but being the #1 draft pick warrants knob-slobbing. I hadn't seen any video of him before last night, but he definitely seems like he can ball. Definitely Dirk-esque in his movements. I'm just hoping he'll be as friendly as zee German and hit us off with some candid photo ops like these international b-ball icons have been so gracious in doing:

Dud:Pedro Martinez.

Let's take a look at his line from last night: 3IP, 7HA, 8 runs scored against him, six of them earned, a 2-minute standing ovation and a lackluster jheri curl performance.

Honorable Mention: New York Knicks
Let's look at their two picks from last night: Renaldo Balkman(not Rolando Blackman) and Mardy Collins. Here's what ESPN has to say about Balkman:
"I just don't think Balkman has the talent to warrant a first-round selection. He might have the right attitude, but I can't see him as anything more than a marginal role player in the NBA"

And here's what they have to say about Collins:
"Mardy Collins is a big combo guard who knows how to play. But his lack of athleticism and shaky jumper combined with the fact that the Knicks already have four combo guards on their roster means that he's unlikely to contribute much."

Their grade for the Knicks Draft: F

Isiah has one year to turn the shitshow that is the NY Knicks around. That's not gonna happen, but I'm impatiently awaiting this lineup the first night of the season: Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, Jamal Crawford, Nate Robinson and Eddy Curry's pacemaker.

Talk Around The Cooler
So Larry Brown has filed a grievance against the Knicks claiming he should be owed the remainder of his contract with the Knicks. Isiah Thomas responded to this claim by offering Brown a position in the starting five this upcoming season, playing the 4. News outlets report the filing of this grievance is likely the first decision Brown will choose not to back out of. Zing!

In the world of dying sports, Evander Holyfield is returning to the ring to try to become less able to communicate like a human being. Is he drunk or has he taken too many punches to the head? Holyfield's interviews involve more slurring and stammering than this guy's.

What's the FedEx Cup? It's a new playoff structure the PGA TOUR is implementing next year. All I know is that they're now adding on a point structure based on performance. And I can't help but think that this guy and fans of this guy will liken the sport to NASCAR and golfing will be the new rage among this demographic.

Quick Hits
If things don't pan out for J.J. Redick, at least he can fall back on this esteemed title.

With this good news it's safe to say that Kerry Wood just sucks. No more excuses.

When matches at Wimbledon are being "fixed" I know my life is over as I know it. And my life is sad which means I need to be on a suicide watch. Or just given some bukkake porn (for relaxation purposes, of course). Anything to lighten my spirits.

Sports Untertainment 2006 NBA Mock Draft: Picks 1-10

Here at Sports Untertainment, we've put together our 2006 NBA Mock Draft for your viewing pleasure. This first installment (1-10) is given to us by Hasmitt, via the great state of Pennsylvania, where he's on-site for an interview with Amish Kyle Korver groupies...

1 - Toronto Raptors: Andrea Bargnani, PF, Italy
If the pick isn’t traded, the Never Exists (according to Carl Everett) go with the large Euro. A legit seven footer, Drea 3000 has some silky outside touch. What, they already have Chris Bosh and Charlie Villenueva at the 4ish? Start all three, what do you have to lose? Who they should pick? Brandon Roy, but there is some stupid stigma against picking guards #1 so they won’t. Although I’m sure the Raptors would enjoy a two guard that would actually care (has the window closed on my ability to call out Vince Carter’s Raptors career?)

2 - Chicago Bulls (via New York): Brandon Roy, SG, Washington
Oh, so this is where the Knicks would be picking if they hadn’t mortgaged their future for their horrible present? That’s a shame. Why would the Bulls select Tyrus Thomas here when they already have Tyson Chandler and Luol Deng? They already have a guy with no offensive game and a guy with freak arms. Instead they pick a multi-talented six foot six shooting guard. I seem to recall that working out for them okay before.

3 - Charlotte Bobcats: Adam Morrison, SF, Gonzaga
Let me explain first: I don’t think that Michael Jordan has the final say on decisions here. Did he not hand pick Kwame Brown? Nuff said. Here’s why Morrison works: he excites the fans, even more so than locals Felton and Sean May “or may not eat his way out of the league by 2007,” his mustache is the only thing that can compete in out-of-placeness with Omeka Okafor’s biochemistry degree, and the 'Cats can stop giving burn to Kareem Rush and this chump.

4 - Portland Trailblazers: LaMarcus Aldridge, PF, Texas
Why? Because he doesn’t own a gun (or does he, he is from Texas) and because Joel Pryzbilla is too costly/white. Key note that Blazers fans will be regretting three years down the road: La is the feminine French form of “the”. I would tell you who they should draft, but honestly, at this point, it doesn’t even matter for them.

5 - Atlanta Hawks: Shelden Williams, PF, Duke
The man with the face only a roofied mother could love is destined to head to Atlanta as they have apparently made him a pre-draft promise. You can never rule out the Hawks drafting a swingman here, just as you can never rule out the Lions drafting a wide receiver. At least they’ve found someone to make Tyronn Lue feel pretty.

6 - Minnesota Timberwolves: Rudy Gay, SF, Connecticut
As in U Con the Timberwolves into giving you guaranteed money. After the announcement that Rashard McCants might be lost for the season, the Wolves realize they need someone to replace his petulance and they’ve come to the right place. I can see Gay and Ricky Davis having some never-seen-before two man dunks but this first season is going to be painful.

7 - Boston Celtics: Randy Foye, SG, Villanova
No, I don’t want them to take him, and yes, I do have a lot of faith in Danny Ainge, but shit, this draft is an absolute mess. I think Foye could be like the 4th oldest Celtic the moment he joins the team. I wouldn’t mind if the Celtics traded down, and somehow used this pick to lance the boil that is Raef The Frentz’s contract. Also, at 6’3”, we’re going to have to remove the “S” before that G and replace it with a “P”, a rather painful surgery for most players.

8 - Houston Rockets: Tyrus Thomas, PF, LSU
My big dropper of the draft, I just can’t see how potential and two games gets you into the top five. The Rockets will be happy to snatch him in this spot because it allows them to have a before and after picture when Thomas stands next to Stromile Swift. Notice the alliteration of the names - they must be the same type of player. Thomas might actually be a nice compliment to Yao, at least on the defensive end, but don’t expect much offensively from this 19-year-old for a while.

9 - Golden State Warriors: Cedric Simmons, PF, North Carolina State
The Warriors decide to draft a guy who might land in the second round, who even knows? He will add some athleticism and shot blocking ability that the team has lacked since they lost Adonal Foyle and Troy Murphy started playing significant minutes. What’s that you say? They still have Adonal Foyle? Haha, right, you had me there for a second.

10 - Seattle Supersonics: Patrick O’Bryant, C, Ireland, err Bradley
They love the big white stiffs: Robert Swift, Johan Petro, Jerome James. O’Bryant will provide some of the inside thump they lost when taint-assaulter Reggie Evans left. You have no clue how much money I would lose if you handed me a map and told me to locate what state Bradley was in.

Sports Untertainment 2006 NBA Mock Draft: Picks 11-20

11 - Orlando Magic: Ronnie Brewer, SG, Arkansas
They've got their center position sewn up w/this Serbian piece of manmeat. Dwight Howard is an absolute stud. Jameer Nelson, though undersized, has proven himself to be a point guard who can dish and score (plus he's boyz w/DJ2CoolC. What?). At small forward, I've got two words: Plastic Man. The stats don't lie, bitch. Argue with that Excel masterpiece. So that leaves the 2, and I think the right play is Rodney Carney, who is going to be one of the steals of this draft. Long, seriously athletic, can play D and stroke it. But why take him when you can grab Ronnie Brewer, a similar player who was on a worse team and doesn't shoot as well due to a childhood waterslide accident that messes w/his shooting form? I'll tell you why. B/c NBA GMs make most of their decisions drunk.

12 - New Orleans/OK City Hornets: Hilton Armstrong, PF, Connecticut
The Hornets are still dealing w/tragedy. No, I'm not talking about Hurricane Katrina. Last year they had to survive the loss of one of the league's rising stars, The Birdman, who Kenny Smith once described as "missing a couple ice cubes in his tray." Oh, how wrong he was. His dismissal prompted this headline, which, if I were a Hornets fan, would make me want reach for that syringe. P.J. Brown is old enough to have claimed his 40 acres + mule. The mule has died but Peej lives on. They clearly need help up front, and I like Armstrong to have a decent career doing yeoman's work on the boards, complimenting Chris Paul and David West nicely. Smart, not spectacular.

13 - Philadelphia 76ers: Marcus Williams, PG, Connecticut
The Sixers have been yurning for the days of Eric Snow ever since they got to the Finals. That statment may make you phisically nauseous, but it's fairly accurate. As good as Iverson has been the last few years, filling up the statsheet is not winning them anything. With A.I. and C-Webb not getting any younger, Kyle Korver not getting any straighter, and Kevin Ollie as PG option #2 when the games don't interfere w/his shift at the local Popeye's, this is actually the perfect selection: a pass first point guard that can get to the rim and dish, is ready to start, and can get Sammy Dalembert that new iMac he's been craving.

14 - Utah Jazz: J.J. Redick, SG, Duke
If there's one thing the Jazz like more than black guys who look like white guys (Boozer, Williams), it's actual white guys (Giricek, Kirilenko, Harpring, Okur, Ostertag, Jarron Collins - nice waistline). This will also set us up for endless Boozer/Redick jokes. They need a 2, and why not get even more unathletic? With the recent trade for Rafael Araujo, this is clearly their strategy. Alert Danny Ainge: WE HAVE TRADEBAIT. Imagine a lineup of Milt Palacio, Redick, Harpring, Okur and Araujo, or as I like to call it, an NBA fans' kryptonite.

15 - New Orleans/OK City Hornets: Rodney Carney, SF, Memphis
The Hornets are so desperate for size that I could see them taking another big man, but I think Carney is just too good to pass up here. This will be the steal of the draft. He's just like Desmond Mason, only he doesn't suck. Sleeper Rookie of the Year candidate with CP tossing him alleyoops all year. On a sidenote, if you want to see how good Chris Paul is, just look at their lineup. They almost made the playoffs in the Western Conference, folks. I'm stunned.

16 - Chicago Bulls: Alexander Johnson, PF, Florida State
This team is young, talented and deep at the PG, SG and SF, so even if they go large with their first pick (that they got from Isiah Thomas for Eddie Curry and a defibrulator), I think they'll follow it up here with another big. This Johnson character is raw, athletic and enjoys dunking on fools when he's not getting dunked on. It's a better option than Mike Sweetney, who, when he isn't eating himself out of the league, is daydreaming about eating himself out of the league on the court while letting people put their nuts on the rim. Also, this man was getting minutes in the post during playoff time.

17 - Indiana Pacers: Quincy Douby, SG, Rutgers
The Pacers are desperate for a shooting guard that can actually shoot, and I think Douby will be a nice compliment to the athleticism of Fred Jones, even though both are undersized. Douby strikes me as a better version of Eddie House. After seeing him carry Rutgers through the Big East, it's clear he has an enormous sack. He's the instant offense that the Pacers' second unit needs. Plus, he's thuggish enough to hang w/Stephen Jackson.

18 - Washington Wizards: Rajon Rondo, PG, Kentucky
The 'Zards are loaded offensively, but on defense, they let anyone get to the hole, like Alyssa Milano at a MLB All-Star Game party (buh-duh, tsss). Rondo can't shoot a lick, but he plays great D and is a pretty good playmaker, which will let Arenas play his more natural position at the 2 when Rondo takes the floor. They can't draft big, b/c this man needs more airtime.

19 - Sacramento Kings: Mouhamed Saer Sene, C, Senegal
This team is fairly complete, especially with the recent Ron Artest addition. They're solid at every position, but their bench is lacking big man depth. Right now, they're rockin Vittles Potapenko as their backup center. Sene is so good, he only needs one hand to shoot. Why not draft an unproven 7-footer from Africa? They seem to work out pretty well. If his NBA tenure goes the route of those studs, there's always his budding career on Broadway.

20 - New York Knicks: Marcus Vinicius Viera de Souza, SF, Brazil
Let's pray that this guy becomes a star athlete and does the Brazilian move of taking one name, otherwise he's liable to pull this move. "Madison Square Garden, are you not entertained???!!! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED???!!!" Knock Zeke all you want, but when the guy isn't dumb enough to trade his draft picks, he usually picks some decent guys (Lee, Robinson, Ariza, Frye). This crazy Brazilian sounds like he's got some game, but I'm basing this solely on Chad Ford's "expert" opinion. He'd probably put this guy in his top 10 if he declared for the draft.

Sports Untertainment 2006 NBA Mock Draft: Picks 21-30

21 - Phoenix Suns: Shannon Brown - SG, Michigan St.
If there's something the Suns are lacking, it's an athletic swingman...riiight. With this pick the only question will be if Brown can succeed without the ball in his hands. Is he a SG or is he a PG? Is he a baller or is he a wanna be crooner, a la Chris Brown, his younger and untalented brother. One thing I do know...the Suns definitely didn't miss Joe Johnson last year. I hope he's happy making millions and winning nothing in ATL. I love the integrity of basketball players.

22 - New Jersey Nets: Jordan Farmar - PG, UCLA
I love Jason Kidd, but he won't be around forever. As a result, it's up to the Nets to stock their roster with another ambiguosly looking black or white or whatever he is point guard. Just like Kidd, Farmar is a pass first PG and loves to push the ball up the court. I can see it now, Farmar on the break, lobbing the ball to Vince Carter who pulls his hamstring on the way up and limps off the floor crying. We can only hope Farmar's racial ambiguity brings similar sideline gems to Nets games such as Joumana Kidd and leaves the mysteries of human genetics behind. Frankly, when you have Jacque Vaughn, Jeff McInnis, eurotrash by the name of Zoran Planinic and Derick Zimmerman as the point guards on your roster, you might have an idea of one position that needs an upgrade.

23 - New Jersey Nets: Paul Davis - PF, Michigan St.
Why? Why not. One thing about the Nets - they're soft. Vinsanity is always on the bench wincing and whining about his latest injuries. Richard Jefferson's ears are really small, they cower when teams like Detroit and Miami set foot on the court. Now, don't even start to say that I'm calling Paul Davis a bruiser. I see him being an intense Jim McIlvaine-esque, overpaid big man running up and down the court. Kristic is too European to mix it up down low but Davis' time in the misnumbered, Big Ten (11) conference definitely toughened him up. He won't be afraid to get a little dirty down low. Don't know if that was an intended pun or not. But, Paul Davis would probably look a little something like this after getting down and dirty in the sack. SEXY!

24 - Memphis Grizzlies: Josh Boone - FC, Connecticut
Things just haven't been been the same for the Grizzlies organization since the departure of Hall of Famer, Bryant "Big Country" Reeves. You think I kid, but there hasn't been such a painstaking and deliberate jaunt up and down the court since this man left the scene. This team needs some size, they ranked 28th in the league in rebounds and 27th in the league in points scored per game. Not sure why I'm even mentioning points scored and Josh Boone in the same sentence, we both know those terms are mutually exclusive.

25 - Cleveland Cavaliers: Maurice Ager - SG, Michigan St.
I think it'd be safe to say that Damon Jones' arrival to Cleveland had less impact than expected. Unfortunately for Jones, his blood-red homage to Suge Knight during the All Star game this year definitely left some of us in awe. Lebron and Larry Hughes both like to slash to the basket, which on a team like the Mavs would likely free up a sharpshooter like Dirk on the perimeter. Not so for the Cavs who have nothing remotely close to a sharpshooter on the team. They do have a Ray Nagin look-alike though. Oh yeah, about Maurice Ager - he's a great shooter both spot up and off the dribble. He might be a bit on the short side, but he'll do just fine.

26 - Los Angeles Lakers: Daniel Gibson - PG, Texas
What do the Lakers need? Hmm...someone that sucks Black Mamba's cock on and off the court. In terms of personnel, the Lakers don't have much to work with. Smoosh Parker, while solid, would be better served coming off the bench. The name Kwame Brown speaks for itself. When you have one player on the court that does what he wants whenever he wants (including deliberately NOT shooting to prove a point), does the personnel you have on the court matter? Did Kobe rape the bitch? All questions that needed be answered before tonight's draft. Their pick? Daniel Gibson - he had an up and down season with the Longhorns this past season, but he can score from and defend on the perimeter.

27 - Phoenix Suns: Leon Powe - PF, Cal-Berkeley
A little more grit and determination was all the Suns really needed to get past the Mavs these playoffs. Unfortunately their manchild, Amare Stoudemire, was unavailable. Powe is a more athletic Ike Diogu, except Powe cares about scoring. And by scoring I mean with the ladies. God that photo is so gay. Or queer. Or homoerotic. Apparently my sensitivity training did little good.


29 - Dallas Maverics: P.J. Tucker - F, Texas
The Mavs will definitely look to add depth and another legit scoring option...Dirk can only do so much and Stackhouse is probably leaving this summer, still looking to be the number one option on a team. We can all dream, can't we? I assure you that P.J. Tucker has more talent than P.J. Brown. I have more talent than P.J. Brown...this cheerleader has more talent than P.J. Brown.

29 - New York Knicks: God Shammgod...oh wait, Dee Brown - PG, Illinois
Obviously every pick I've put up is going to happen, except this one. In a perfect world Isiah would draft a player that makes perfect sense for this team, but in the real world Isiah will most likely draft James Augustine. Why? Because it "might just be crazy enough to work out." Great words that I'd love to hear coming from my GM. But honestly, the Knicks need a true point guard that can manage a team on the court, not a selfish, me-first collection of players. Does this create a logjam of undersized guards on the team? Yes. Do I care? Does Isiah care? Short answer - no.

30 - Portland Jailblazers: James White - SG, Cincinnati
You'll only be considered for the Trailblazers if you have a somewhat lengthy track record with the authorities. Players from what program in the Big East typically fit that mold? The savagery seen on the court during Cincinnati Bearcats game can only be matched by Clint Dempsey's thugged out persona. DON'T TREAD, bitches! James White is as athletic as they come. And most likely as undisicplined as they come too, meaning he's a perfect fit for the Blazers.

The Morning Wood - 06/28/2006

Studs: Les Bleus
After hearing Spain's asshole of a coach, Luis Aragones, try to "motivate" his players by using the "colloquial language" of racist remarks about French striker Thierry Henry, the Frenchies went out there and stuck it to Spain, 3-1, with Henry being influential on two of the goals. Aragones then promptly and appropriately handed in his resignation after the match. A double victory. There's nothing funny about this, just poetic justice, of sorts.

Dud: Roscoe Nance
This USAToday reporter recently released his 2006 NBA Mock Draft. In using his "expertise," he didn't give Rudy Gay a spot in the first round. Who is fact-checking this shit? USAToday, or, as I like to call it, the daily picture book for adults, has enough trouble maintaining journalistic respectability. Mistakes are fine, but this is a ridiculously egregious error. There hasn't been a prediction this poor since the third bullet in this Talk Around the Cooler. What an asshole. Thanks Chauncey.

Talk Around the Cooler:
There's nothing that I like better than drafts, and I'm unbelieveable excited for tonight. I think it's just the nature of the event: all the speculation, the hope for salvation, the hair, senile old men who command our attention, chronic masturbators, pseudo-intellectual honkies whose vocabulary is reduced to three words: "upside," "potential," and "length," and most importantly, the suits. Oh, the suits. And this year, we have the most brilliant man in sports. Oh yes, this is going to be quite the draft.

Quick Hits...

Good to see Andre Agassi win his first Wimbledon match. I'm pullin for him.

Pedro returns to Boston tonight, which might be the only scenario that would ever have me switch away from the NBA draft for even a second.

Everyone say a prayer for Peter Gammons. Not only is he probably the greatest analyst in all of sports, he has always been nothing less than a class act, and seems like a genuienly great guy.

Conversation With Isiah Thomas

Ignore the look of confusion on his face, Isiah's got it all figured out. We took the time to sit down with Zeke and see what's goin' with the new coach of the knickerbockers. See what he has to say (it's not much)...

Sports Untertainment (SU): We're now about 36 hours away from this year's draft and the NY media is focusing more on the ouster of Larry Brown than your team's needs and draft strategy. Do you feel the scrutiny placed on your and James Dolan's relationship with Larry Brown has been unfair?
Isiah Thomas (IT, not for Information Technician and no all those techies are not all Indian, even though it really seems like it): No, I'm fine with it. The dissension and rancor within the ranks of upper management regarding any and all decisions made is something that should be accepted in any workplace. Furthermore I think it should be welcomed. And by welcomed, I mean my advances...hahaha.

SU: So you like turmoil?
IT: No, but turmoil does seem to follow me.

SU: Let's talk about the Larry Brown situation. In hindsight, do you think you should have considered the personnel you had on the team before hiring a coach like Larry Brown? A coach that's not particularly fond of young players?
IT: My job has absolutely nothing to do with assessing the personnel on this basketball team or the coach that calls the plays on the court. And frankly, I'm utterly confused as to what's going on here in New York. Do you know what my title is?

SU: You're the general manager of the team?
IT: Exactly.

SU: Exactly, my point. Aren't you responsible for the team that runs up and down the court 82 games a season?
IT: As a general manager, my job is to look good in the face of pressure. To make up lies to feed the media. You see me in my $5000 dollar suit watching the Knicks games in the tunnel? That's me being a general manager. That's my job. Listening to Steve Francis bitch about us misplacing his gifts and love letters from Cuttino "Cat", I prefer to call him "Pussy" Mobley is not my job. Bringing in Steve Francis because he has a similar frame to me? Yes, that's why I brought him in. Why not surround yourself with guys on your Yahoo! fantasy team. All I need now is Jason Terry, Baron Davis, Smoosh Parker and Earl Boykins.

SU: So, you're not trying to put the best team on the court?
IT: Yahoo! Fantasy Basketball. That's the team I'm trying to put on the court. You know my team name: Kissing Magic Is Heaven. I have amazing scorers. Slashers, shoot-first players. That's what gets you points in fantasy leagues. And that's how you win games in the NBA. And frankly, that's why I've given away our first round picks. You think I'm gonna draft Andrea Bargnani? a 7-1 power forward? What team ever needs size?

SU: But what about the defensive stats, like rebounds, steals, etc. The Pistons seemed to thrive more off of their defense than their O.
IT: I've got two answers for you. Eddy Curry is easily the second coming of Bill Russell. The true grit and determination of that man is amazing. His heart is uncomparable - mainly because it's barely beating. Inside joke. Strike that from the record of this interview please. But the next answer? The behemoth that is Jerome James. His stats speak for himself. Nuff' said, brotha.

SU: He averaged, what 5-6 points per game this season?
IT: Oh, like there's a center in this league posting numbers better than that? And don't get me started on the Pistons. I'll punk that mothafucka Joe Dumars if i ever see him alone. That dark skinned son of a bitch has got it coming to him. I am the Detroit Pistons.

SU: Wow. Interesting words.
IT: He and everybody comes at me talkin' bout how I ran the CBA into the ground. I only take organizations the direction they're already heading. You're on the downswing, I take you further down that path until there's no way out. And by no way out - I mean that there's nothing more I can do within my job responsibilities to make the situation seem even more dire. What's left for me to do? I need to get the fuck out and take my magic somewhere else. And fortunately, that place is now the New York Knicks.

SU: You're proud of that?
IT: YES!

SU: Interesting. I usually like to end my interviews with a few quick hitters. Just gimme a few quick thoughts on whatever I shoot your way. You ready?
IT: Sure, go ahead.

SU: Larry Bird
IT: Dirtiest moustache of the 20th century. I was afraid to get close to him. The thing smelled like Star Jones' vagina mixed with pork rinds and the aftermath of man love between Cuttino and Stevie Franchise.

SU: This year's draft.
IT: The strategy is to unload all our picks this year. We just want to have a great time watching the show on TNT.

SU: Stephon Marbury
IT: Greatest player I've seen since alum Joe Forte and Kueth Duany. Duany is amazing. Not only because of his stats, but also because he's so black he looks blue.

SU: What?!
IT: I'm serious. Just like I said about Jerome James - look at the stats, man.

SU: Thanks for your time.

The Morning Wood - 06/27/2006

Stud: David Ortiz.
I try to keep most of my personal sports attachments out of the Wood because I'm just that dedicated a journalist (like this is journalism) but what can you do when David Ortiz is such a STUD? Boston fans have become spoiled by this individual because of how many times he has come through in the clutch. I wasn't even that excited after his walk off homerun on Saturday to be honest. And yesterday, he hits a game ending RBI single in the 12th and I find myself thinking "hmm, no home run?" This isn't normal. No one should be this relied upon, unless it's this guy. Ay Papi!

Honorable Mention: The Oregon State Baseball Team
Overcoming a series deficit, as well as having the word "Beavers" on their chest throughout the entire series, The Oregon State baseball team won the national champioinship against a UNC squad that was probably haunted by the ghost of Ed Cota. This is the first "northern-based" school to win since 1966, so it just goes to show you that there was no reason to keep the Union together. Hmm. The MOP (ANTE UP!) of the CWS, Jonah Nickerson, started 3 games in 8 days. I'm assuming his arm now feels like her vagina does.

Dud:John Rocker
What, how did you get back into the semi-spotlight? Apparently Rocker doesn't recall attending any sensitivity training or paying a fine after offending 96% of the nation with his views on NY train life, but according to MLB, he might have lost some of his memory along with his fastball. If I'm Ozzie Guillen, I say "thanks for the back up Rockie" and get the hell away from this guy like he's a dead hooker. Which, in a year or so, hopefully he will be.


Talk Around the Cooler:
Isiah Thomas has a year to turn around the Knicks. Let me just say that Kevin Federline has a better chance to go multiplatinum and still be with Britney than Isiah does of "turning around" the Knicks. I mean, what is turning around for them? 30 wins? Steve Francis not texting Cat Mobley during every timeout? Congratulations for whoever finally decided to wake owner James Dolan up.

The World Cup has gone card happy! If you actually find some one at the water cooler that has been watching, attempt to make some joke combining no limit poker with the referees. For example, "I figured they would have had to put more in the pot to see all these cards! Oh Snap!" Always finish with "Oh Snap!" and you can't really go wrong. You could even work Uno in there if you'd like. Seriously though, stop booking people. The NBA season is over, I don't want to watch any more floppers.

Quick Hits...
Randy Johnson pitched well against a Braves team that was featuring five high school seniors and three legally blind individuals with hooves for hands. Watch as the NY Media tells us he's back. Lance Armstrong and Greg LeMond are having the weakest "biker fight" in history. Just so you know, I'm Pro-LeMond. The rain is ruining upper class sports like golf and tennis. What a shame; give 'em another tax break! I want to say congratulations to whichever team drafts Rudy Gay tomorrow night (better not be the Celtics). He is what would be produced if you combined Gerald Wallace's athleticism with Oliver McCall's toughness and this guy's energy level. Sniff the Tuesday

The Morning Wood - 06/26/2006

Stud: Ben Curtis.
Where have you been lately Benny boy? Every since you won the 2003 British Open, I thought you had gone the way of Dustin Diamond. But then you come back to drop a -23 on the field at Booz Allen Classic with the only thing slowing you up being the rain. Congratulations on renewed relevance.

Honorable Mention: Tad Iguchi.
7 RBI's in the 8th and 9th inning of last night's loss to the Astros. As Ozzie Guillen said it best "Sammo Hung was the only non cornholer in our lineup tonight!"



Dud: NCAA Basketball Coaches
I don't know what it is, I can't even think of a clear cut loser this morning. Have I lost my edge? Is the summer getting to my nasty side? Is everyone in sports playing up to their potential? I need these questions answered. However, I don't need 128 teams in my office pool, errr, NCAA tournament. I already have a difficult enough time picking the winners in my brackets, ummm, watching the games. Let's not let every team in here. Life is about not getting picked, watching as someone better than you gets an opportunity that you will never get. Kind of the way I felt when Uncle Jesse bagged Rebecca Romijn. Do your players a favor, have them learn what failure is early and often. Okay, I think my edge is back.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Joe Mikulik (possibly pronounced Mic You Lick, which would be great) is a pyscho. This is a must watch video, especially the part where he struggles to pull second base out of the ground. Just like a young man trying to take a bra off for the first time.

Wimbledon starts today. Tim Henman is the odds on favorite to win one match in the women's bracket. Roger Federer has won the last three championships. Woof.

Quick Hits...
Beckham bent it and then vomited several times, thinking of Ginger Spice's face. In a related story, I wouldn't mind bending IT on Keira Knightley's tonsils. Barry Bonds is day to day after hurting his knee jumping from the 6th to the 7th circle of hell. Jeff Samardzija, Notre Dame white receiver, was recently signed by the Chicago Cubs, which is not only very impressive for an already talented football player, but it also has Nike excited for a whole line of "Samardzija knows Samardzija" commercials. Former Red Sox prospect Anibal Sanchez shut down the Yankees in the Stadium last night. Normally this would anger me, but it looks like Butterball Sanchez is quickly waddling down the Sid Fernandez training path. Welcome to the week bitches

Hubie Brown Goes to Subway

Sports Untertainment recently spotted basketball mensa Hubie Brown at a local Subway sandwich shop. The following conversation was captured on a handheld voice recorder...

Hubie Brown: Hey there, kiddo. Looking for a little something to sate my hunger here.

Subway Sandwich Artist: Jesus Christ, you look like death. What'll it be?

HB: Hmmm...let's see here. I might go w/the 6" Meatball Sub. That gets you 50% of your daily Vitamin C, 10% of your Vitamin A, not to mention 40% of your Iron, plus 7 grams of fiber. Those are numbers you can't get every day; really fills up the boxscore. Now look, with the good, you got to take the bad; 560 calories, 11 grams saturated fat.

SSA: Um, Mr. Brown, I don't know where you're getting these numbers.

HB: I'm a motherfuckin' walking statsheet, kid. Shut your yap. Back to the order. How about this new Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki? Unlimited upside. Potential galore. Never seen anything like this. He gives you 26 grams of protein, decent Vitamin C, Iron, only 370 calories, and low fat. He's got it all. He's like Antoine Walker.

SSA: Antoine Walker sucks.

HB: Kid, I'm old, but I'll hop over this counter and throw you into the bread oven, so help me god. Alright, let's get to making this. Give me the Honey Oat bread: 4 grams of fiber, and I've got a shit that's been brewing for 3 days.

SSA: Fantastic.

HB: Ok, let's get going here. Wow, now watch this sandwich artist go. Jimmy Nelson here is an under-rated employee: he's got a 98% utility rate, averages 45 seconds per sandwich made, and all at $8.25/hour. Great work by the Subway brass signing this kid.

SSA: Um, that's not my name, we don't keep those stats, and I don't make that much money.

HB: I'll shove a 12" hearty italian roll up your ass. Now give me some green peppers: 10% of your Vitamin C with virtually no calories. Yeah, that's it. Watch him lay those down. This kid is long, and he uses that length to his advantage. That's what a veteran of 10 years learns from being in the game this long.

SSA: I started last week.

HB: Exactly. Upside, upside, upside. Alright, what's the damage.

SSA: You're frightening me. $4.25

HB: Here you go, kid. Alright, keep putting in good work.

SSA: Mr. Brown, you just handed me chocolate coins.

Hubie disappears in a cloud of smoke.

Lesser Known Mark Cuban Conspiracy Theories

Lindsey Lohan does have an eating disorder

It doesn't actually happen to a lot of guys

Dwyane Wade just doesn't know how to spell his own first name

Dick Bavetta died in 1998

The Maloof Brothers are actually not related but are married to each other

Montell Jordan could be a solid 6th man

Hockey is still in a lockout

David Stern is in to bondage

Ryan Seacrest is straight

Shaquille O'Neal is not actually Irish

The Morning Wood - 06/23/2006

Stud: Isiah Thomas.
Honestly, this man must have cojones the size of freaking honeydew melons. Owner Jim Dolan is clearly 'Zeke's beotch. Who would have the balls to fire the man he signed for the GDP of Luxembourg, then name himself head coach to lead his merry band of misfit off-guards. Thomas plans on starting Jamal Crawford, Steve Francis, Stephon Marbury, Nate Robinson, and is currently in contract negotiations w/"Sky." In a press conference, Brown mentioned that he plans on going back to his first love - haute couture.

Dud: The United States Men's National Team
Simply awful. I was pumped for a run to the second round, Italy did everything we needed them to do, and we couldn't beat a country of 22million. Question: if the Ghanians take 300 dives and 80,000 Germans are there to see, does Landon Donovan make a sound? This guy was supposed to lead our team, and I swear he had about 4 touches yesterday, none of which were quality. You're wicked tough, Landon, a fantastic dresser, and you ooze machismo. I blame everything on you. And I'm very upset.

Talk Around the Cooler:
So Roger Clemens made his debut yesterday, and SU colleague Hasmitt was apparently wearing his Nostradomus hat, predicting the outcome w/stunning accuracy. Bravo, my friend. Rog struggled with his pitchcount through 5 innings, though I think he'll end up winning 11 games or so. Also, it's rare that you see two masters of the strikeout in the same spot.

Quick Hits...
There are four chromosomes missing. Someone get on the case.

I'm going on record, predicting that Clint Dempsey gets signed by a good European team within the next year. Looked great all Cup long.

I'm not sure why Mrs. Wade thought that wearing her church clothes was necessary during this interview. Let your hair down, Siohvaughn. That's SIOHVAUGHN.

Eye-tie manlove.

Who has to sit next to these two clowns? JJ is bringing a flask of Malibu.

The Morning Wood- 06/22/2006

Stud: Jose Reyes
What do you want from me? No more NBA/NHL Finals, I didn't pay much attention to the World Cup yesterday. Reyes hit for the cycle last night in a 6-5 Mets loss. Now if they could only teach him to pitch.

Honorable Mention: Two young talented AL East lefties: Erik Bedard and Jon Lester. Bedard should be spelling his name with a K after his 8 inning, 12 strikeout performance. Lester pitched 6 innings, K'ing 10, the high number for the Red Sox on the year. Frank Robinson said it was the most beautiful thing he's experienced since this and then he cried.

Dud: Billy Wagner.
4 years, 43 million dollars. 4 blown saves so far this season. 43 batteries thrown at him in Citizens Park. Per night, that is. Anyone else think that the Mets might be regretting the length of this deal last night as Wagner was topping out at 91 MPH? Where's John Franco when you need a soft throwing lefty?

Talk Around the Cooler:

Ozzie Guillen calls Jay Mariotti a homosexual slur and then tries to play it off as a cultural thing, explaining that "f@g" doesn't refer to someone's sexuality in Guillen land. Let's hope he accuses people of being racist when they accuse him of being homophobic. Ozzie, learn from Marshall Mathers, do a salsa duet with this guy and you're off the hook.

Roger Clemens returns to the majors tonight in Houston against the Twins in an interesting match up with phenom Francisco Liriano, who was still crapping himself when Roger made his major league debut. My prediction: Clemens throws 5 innings, gives up three runs, the crowd gives him a massive ovation when he leaves, and Lirano pitches a better game.

Quick Hits...
Rasho Nesterovic was traded for Eric Williams and Matt Bonner, securing the superlative of Ugliest Trade Ever in the NBA. Kerry Wood's season could be over. Enough is enough, he's less reliable than this guy. Lance Armstrong and Dick Pound are having a cat fight about something. Pound called Armstrong's letter to the IOC "silly". Pardon me, and I'm certainly no Lance Armstrong fan, but I don't think I would be calling anything "silly" if my name was Dick Pound. The U.S.A. soccer team has probably already started losing to Ghana. But not in terms of food availability! ESPN's Rachel Nichols reports that the Heat went through 22 bottles of Cristal on their plane ride home from Dallas. She failed to mention how many diaphragms she went through however.

The Morning Wood - 06/21/2006

Stud(s):
The Miami Heat: So much for them having no bench and being too unathletic to hang with the Mavs. Seems like Udonis, 'Toine and Mourning had a big impact on last night's game. Dwyane and crew reeled off 4 straight to win the franchise's 1st championship. Happy for Shaq, Pat Riley, Wade and my main man Alonzo. Not to take all the positives out of this situation, but when I look at a championship team's roster, there are always people who stick out that make me say, "he doesn't deserve a ring." Who might I be referring to? This guy , this guy and especially this guy (overpaid piece of shit). I'm not angry, just hating.

Ryan Howard: Hope you didn't think his night would go unnoticed. 3-4, 2HR's, 2R's, 1BB and 7RBI. This is what HGH should help you accomplish, David Segui.

Dud(s):
St. Louis Cardinals: Um guys...you wanna show up next time? The Cards lost 20-6. The 11-run, 12-hit 3rd inning probably wasn't good for team morale. Mark Mulder's line for the night 2.1 IP, 10H against, 9 ER. This guy could have put in a better effort.

David Stern's Hearing: Stern's arrogant smirk while the boo's cascaded down on him during the trophy presentation only proved he has a serious medical problem. This guy is not popular.

Black Mamba: Shaq 1 - Kobe 0. I'm sure Kobe's not happy about this. For his sake, I'm hoping he goes to Colorado to get some much-needed therapy from the amazing staff at his old "stomping grounds" to release some of that pent up frustration.

Talk Around The Cooler:
Coach K has decided to kind of speak out about the Duke lacrosse team. What does he say about it? "I'm not going to choose sides. Besides, why choose sides when all that really matters is making purchases with your American Express card?"

John Smoltz says he's "open" to being traded if it helps the Braves. Sports would be so much better if players didn't get all this publicity training and just spoke their mind. His thoughts translated really mean, "this team sucks and I'm FUCKING BALD, man! Fucking Rogaine isn't cutting it. And Bobby Cox smells like Gerber's baby food...I can't stomach it. Andruw speaks to me in some weird dialect. Chipper has all his illegitimate children in the clubhouse. I can't do it anymore."


Quick Hits:
There's nothing better than when an athlete that hasn't won anything comes out of retirement to win zero more titles. The more stories I read about minor league baseball, the more I'm convinced it encompasses all that's right in the world. I'm sure at some point next season, David Stern will start to fine Mark Cuban for each game the Mavericks lose.

Uecker, I just met her

Apparently Bob Uecker, the man up top with the deflated basketball for a face and a sweet tooth for Cosby sweaters, has had a female stalker for several years. I just want to know one thing: Why? Is it his .200 career batting average? His fine acting in Mr. Belvedere or his comedic efforts in Major League? The man recently turned 71 years old, what makes him so stalkable? Apparently the accused stalker has disappeared so the court case must be delayed. here at SU, we have determined that Uecker's stalker has simply moved on to new prey. But who would she be after now?

Sal Fasano-if she's truly sweet on poor hitting ugly catchers, look no further than here. Jesus, if anyone wants to argue for creation instead of evolution, send that picture their way.

Brian Bosworth-maybe she just loves former athletes turned actors, although it's tough to refer to the Boz as either of those two words. One definite place where the Boz has Uecker beat: style.
Peter Gammons-Perhaps the stalker just likes old balls. I love Gammons to death, but he definitely has old balls.

Maradona- Yeah, there's no real connection here, but I'm just fascinated by the way he currently looks.

The other announcer guy from Major League-Who is apparently a musician? Chicks loves dudes who can play the guitar, so we have some other athletes who should watch out like Hendrix over here or Clapton over here.

The Morning Wood - 06/20/2006

Stud: Dwyane Wade, err no, Cam Ward
Hey now, I know no one watched the Stanley Cup but I have to give some love to the Conn Smythe winner (which, translated from Canadian, means MVP. He is only the 3rd rookie to lead his team to the title in the last 35 years, joining this guy and this guy.

Dud: Alfonso Soriano.
So you're going to make a serious run at 50 HR's and 40 stolen bases and you're going to cost me a bet. I still refuse to acknowledge you as a superstar when you K three times in a game against a guy sporting a 22.50 ERA coming in. So there.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Inspector Clouseau George Mitchell has contacted the Giants to speak with their coaching staff. In a related story, Armando Benitez contacted a pork rind factory, wondering about being able to buy in bulk.

Game 6 of the NBA Finals tonight with the Heat leading 3-2. Dirk Nowitzki was fined five thousand dollars for kicking a ball into the stands. Sounds like someone else has WORLD CUP FEVER! Oddly enough, he was not fined for failing to show up in Miami.

Quick Hits...
Bronson Arroyo tosses his 3rd career complete game. How you like his commercials now? Bruce Arena, I have a Coach Belichick on line 1, he says he wants his sideline charisma back. Santonio Holmes, sounds like you got the baby mama drama. Again, I wasn't really serious about felonying your way into an ESPN gig. Delmon Young returned from his fifty game R&R. Now if anyone could find his brother. Matt Cain took a no hitter into the 8th last night, which just proves that major league baseball players should be bribing me to drop them from my fantasy teams.

The Morning Wood - 06/19/2006

Stud: Dwyane Wade.
Yes, this is getting old, but jesus, did you see this guy last night? Started out with three subpar quarters, then just went crazy in the 4th and overtime. He was so good, I swear Hubie Brown got so excited that he almost started to look like blood ran through his veins. This kid is easily establishing himself as the most clutch player in The League. Well, w/the exception of this guy.

Dud: Phil Mickelson.
I kind of feel bad for this top-heavy goofball. Right when you thought he was ready to drop a deuce on the golf world and take over for Tiger as the world's best player, he has a huge meltdown over the last few holes to give the U.S. Open to some Aussie. Just painful to watch. It may have been a result of fatigue from carrying around his ample bosom in the summer heat. At least Ogilvy was kind enough to point Phil towards the ladies' room. "Uh, Lefty, just make sure you don't walk into this huge trophy that I'm holding."

Talk Around the Cooler:
So David Segui used HGH. Interesting. He had the prescription in 2003, when he crushed 5 home runs and drove in 25. If this isn't an indictment of performance enhancing drugs, I don't know what is. I want an asterisk on all 10 doubles he hit that year, and especially his robust .263 batting average. Fucking cheater.

Quick Hits...
Bronson Arroyo lands yet another amazing ad deal. Not sure what the best part is: the fact that Bronson is 6'5", 130, that they're advertising his first home run as evidence, or the English skills of Lou Ferrigno, who clearly wrote the piece. "He is talented guitar player and singer." Great work by U.S. Soccer. Huge tie with only 9 men on the field. Plus, bonus points for coordinating this sweet Thriller dance. ABC's NBA finals coverage hit a new low last night, when they tried to run a touching piece about how Josh Howard was born so severely bow-legged, doctors had to break his legs and put them in casts for six whole months when he was a baby. It was so traumatic that he has no recollection of the event. The violin in the background made me teary-eyed, however.

The Morning Wood - 06/16/2006

Stud: Dwyane Wade. 36 points on 13-23 shooting, not to mention a great job of faking a knee injury. Shaquille O'Neal. Quotable after quotable. Love him

Dud: Tiger Woods. Not to kick a man while he's down...or kind of down. But Tiger shit the bed yesterday. Shooting a +6, 76 is never good. Daddy didn't love me! Okay, that's wrong.

Talk Around The Cooler:
If I'm Luis Gonzalez, I'm happy anybody's mentioning my name, no matter the reason. Holding a press conference to announce you're upset that there are "whispers" about your steroid use is ridiculous. Almost as ridiculous as this man's apology about nothing. Gonzalez' 57 homers are kind of suspect though...kind of like my main man Brady Anderson's 50 homer-season.

When you're an adult and have to be told by legal authorities to stay away from minors, I want you on my football team. Not only is it evident you're reckless. It also shows you have significant issues making decisions, just like any other top tier football player. Kind of like this guy. Or this guy.

Quick Hits:

Sexy...so so sexy.

If I'm this team's manager do I feel as though I have job security?

My political statement of the week: SPORTS IS NOT WAR. Unless you're this man, considering he always brings a shiv with him on the field. Eddie Johnson, shut the f*ck up and PLAY soccer.

An "errant" fan?

The Morning Wood - 06/15/2006

Stud: Oliver Neuville.
Not that many studs last night. Besides Matt Clement of course. So I guess we'll toss it to zee German who scored the lone goal in the 91st minute of their match with Poland. It just shows you that not all Germans choke at the end of games. Just kidding Dirk, but you better show up for game 4

Dud: Esteban Loaiza
Now if you had one or two many Flirtinis, how would you handle it? Personally, I don't think driving 120 mph in a Ferrari would be the way to handle it. Was he brandishing a hand gun while listening to Ice T? Was this guy riding shotgun?

Talk Around the Cooler:
The U.S. Open starts today and Tiger Woods is back. The course at Winged Foot is supposed to be quite the challenge this year. Mention something about thick roughs and how Winged Foot was named after Teddy Roosevelt's deformed daughter and you should be all set.

Dwyane Wade's knee is apparently almost as screwed up as his first name. If he isn't a good 85%, the series is over. Fat Man Shaq apparently landed on the knee. Any one notice Shaq's dad in the stands of game 3? I can't find a picture, but I could have sworn it was E 40. Someone figure this out.

Quick Hits...
If I'm George W. Bush, I feel pretty insulted that the Stanley Cup finalists are the Oilers and the Hurricanes. I'm not saying these team names highlight some of your weakest points as a president, I'm just surprised that those two teams didn't beat the Free Iraqis and Wiretaps to make it into the finals. Chris Henry must have taken me seriously about that ESPN job. I am fully convinced that the 15 and 16 year old could have out wine coolered J.J. Redick. Steve Finley joined a group so exclusive that someone just joined it last week. The Yankees and the Indians had a dust up last night but it just proves two things: Jason Johnson isn't a very good pitcher and Randy Johnson is still an asshole.

The Morning Wood - 06/14/2006

Stud: Dwayne Wade.
Anyone else watch this entire game last night? This young man has a huge sack. I mean, HUGE SACK. Not only did he drop 42, w/15 coming in the 4th quarter, and grab 13 rebounds, he was playing w/a bunch of disinterested assholes. With the exception of Udonis Haslem, who seems to be a pretty tough bastard, the entire squad had a French-esque level of defensive intensity. This should never happen. If I see Jason Terry drive right off a screen untouched and hit another 14 ft jumper, I'm going to lose it. Maybe they were all checking out this. I think he's been working out.

Dud: JJ Redick
Oh man, this is rich. After two Zimas and an Aspen Edge, it looks like good ol'William Butler Yeats decided to get behind the wheel of his Cabrio and hit the highway. Seeing a police roadblock, he used that Duke education to make an illegal u-turn near the 5-0s, was pulled over and arrested w/a "strong odor of alcohol on his breath," which apparently covered up the aroma of moron. In draft terms, this probably means that he'll drop down 5 spots or so. It shouldn't effect the inevitable disappointment the lucky team will experience once he takes the court, however.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Antoine Walker is horrific. Last night, there was one breakaway play where he drove, tried to lay it up off the glass, hit it way too strong, and a hustling Haslem threw the shit down. A momentum changing play. Crowd goes crazy. What does Walker do? Start complaining to the ref about the no-call. You got the two points, asshole. As this is going down, the Mavs turn around and go on a fastbreak, with 'toine being the last man down the floor. I wanted to tear the television out of the wall. His defense is atrocious. I'm getting angry just writing about this, so I'm going to stop.

Quick Hits...
Your Stanley Cup MVP will be one of two people. Steve Nash apparently took over Dirk's body the other night. There's so much I want to say about this photo, but I can't focus on one thing. The World Cup is awesome. Argue w/it. In a related note, Mexico played Iran the other day. I'm guessing this is the first time those two countries have ever interacted in any way. I'm not even sure if their respective heads of state could pick out the other country on a map. First time I've seen her since 1995.

The Morning Wood - 06/13/2006

Stud: Jose Contreras.
Cool Breeze wins his 15th straight decision, a streak dating back to at least 15 starts ago. This all of course is due to his best decision: getting the hell out of Cuba. Geez, I wonder if an AL east team could use him instead of him . Just because they are forever tied together in my head, how about this guy?
Dud: Ben Roethlisburger.
Am I this cold hearted? No. I hope and fully expect a full recovery for Big Ben. That being said, please stay off the motorcycles. It's not like NFL players have that long of a shell life in the first place. Kellen Winslow Jr. I understand, he's just a moron. But I thought you were better than that Ben. I do know two things: I seriously doubt she will be sending a get well soon card and unless you somehow lost your arms and your legs in this accident, this guy isn't seeing the field anytime soon.
Talk Around the Cooler:
So the U.S.A. got blown out by the Czech Republic yesterday. I'm willing to bet money that most people around the cooler didn't know about the loss and couldn't find the Czech Republic on a map. Not that I could. Also, I would be more into the World Cup if I could ever watch a game. It's just like Germany to not schedule the games between midnight and 4 am over there.

Game 3 of the NBA finals tonight. Talking about annoying schedules. A girl's menstrual cycle is more regular than these games. I understand a day off yesterday for travel but the whole Thursday/Sunday thing has to go. I'm way too hungover on Sundays to watch anything except golf.
Quick Hits...
There were no failed drug tests in the NHL this year. There were plenty of failed hair cuts however . Grimsley gets 50 games, which is probably good because I'm sure half the league wants to kill him. The Carolina Hurricanes are one win away from winning the Stanley Cup. In a related story, the NHL has apparently expanded into Carolina. Andre Agassi lost in the first round to Tim Henman at the Your Fly's Open. It looks like he is done and Henman is in perfect shape to lose in the 3rd round of Wimbledon, right when the English start believing in him again.

The Morning Wood - 06/12/2006

WARNING: This Morning Wood has a World Cup flava. Quit being an ugly American.

Stud: Arjen Robben.
Not only did the Dutch winger score the lone goal in the Netherlands' 1-0 win over Serbia & Montenegro, he spent the entire game skinning fools left and right. Plus, he was probably stoned. I don't care if you like soccer or not, watching this man cut in and out of defenders w/the ball looking like it was attached to his foot w/a string was sick. Granted, he was playing the fellow countrymen of this stud. Actually, let's elaborate on this: say D.Mili represents the entire country of Serb and Mont; Arjen Robben will be played by Channing Frye. This is what happened in their matchup (sidenote: Not to knock on Darko, but Channing Frye is softer than my wang after watching an LPGA event. If the Pistons have DWade/Bosh/Anthony/Hinrich coming off the bench, they win 5 titles in a row).

Dud: Antonio Tarver.
After months of shit-talking, calling himself "The Legend Killer," and even making a $250k sidebet w/his opponent he would win...by knockout...before the 6th round, he gets smoked by a 41-year-old Bernard Hopkins - who had to move up a weight class for the fight. No word on whether or not Tarver reliquished his actual crown.

Talk Around the Cooler:
I keep hearing about how Cote d'Ivoire (which is French for Coat of Ivoire), a country that has dealt w/years of civil war and internal conflict, has suddenly found peace b/c the feuding sides have agreed to call a bit of a detante while their country competes in the World Cup. The general opinion about this development is that soccer is the great unifier, and that the sport is truly brings love around the world. Announcers can't stop talking about this. My question: how come no one is talking about how freaking arbitrary the conflict must be for the enemies to temporarily quit fighting to watch some dudes kick a ball around? This war is clearly bullshit, and I hope that someone will start talking about that - along w/potential solutions - instead of bobbing on soccer's knob. Holy shit, I just got too serious on some social/political issues. I promise that will never happen again. Here, laugh at these funny euros and their homoerotic basketball sextrain. Crazy euros.

Quick Hits...
Rafael Nadal beat Roger Federer for the French Open title. I just want to get this out there, b/c somebody has to say it: I swear I'm straight, but I can't take my eyes off his guns. The Mavs took it to the Heat, yet again. Talk about O'Neal's 5 and 6, but the big problem is that Antoine Walker is playing 43 minutes and guarding Dirk here and there. They keep that up and it's 4 and out. Asafa Powell tied his 100m dash world record. Sprinters' egos are some of the most fascinating things in all of sports. Unfortunately, Carl Lewis is no longer allowed to show his face in public.

The Morning Wood - 06/09/2006

Stud: Jason Terry
The Former Wildcat that apparently everyone in the world now calls "Jet" (where was I when this started to be a thing?) dropped 32 on the Miami Humidity, grabbing the game one victory for the Mavs. Apparently "Jet" has a superstition where he sleeps in the shorts of his opponent the night before the game but he couldn't get a pair from the Heat for Wednesday night so he just wore his own. Umm, awesome ritual Jason, and I'm sure Bill Walton is really yucking it up about how wacky players are (after all, he did have to rub this before every game), but how 'bout you stick with your own shorts. Hopefully they're baggy enough for breathing room for your massive Finals Marbles. Mark Cuban is fired up about the victory.

Dud: Detroit Tigers
Well you somehow managed to trick most of America into believing you're a real team but you came back down to earth in the last 10, managing to only grab three wins against the Yankees, Red Sox, and White Sox (aka real teams). I'd like to believe that you'll get by with Frankenstein and Anorexic Pudge but you're just one camera smash away from this guy switching from his normal cancer sticks to something a little bit stronger, possibly provided by this man.

Talk Around the Cooler:
The World Cup starts today, as millions of Americans tune in to increase their already rampant xenophobia. My challenging pick: The chronically mono-named Brazilian squad is apparently good. And just because I found it, we're missing you Maradona. But not as much as a salad might be.

HGH, HGH! Let the witch hunt begin. Luckily Jason Grimsley played with like 1,400 ball players so pretty much everyone is guilty until proven innocent. All I know is I'm tossing an * next to his 2 career RBI's.

Quick Hits...
Rich Harden actually managed to get a start in between DL stints, reminding people why they love/hate him. Curt Schilling is the AL's first 9 game winner, joining Tom Glavine as the only pitchers in the majors to reach that total. For those counting at home, their combined age is 79. The Reds can't stop winning. Joseph McCarthy is concerned. Reggie Bush has petitioned the NFL to have the Saints victory total be "5" for the year. Mike Lowell managed to catch a pop up in foul territory in Yankee Stadium and stay on the field last night. I thought it was impossible. An estimated six teams are drafting the "next Dirk Nowitzki" in this year's NBA Draft. None of the teams planning on drafting the "next" any of these guys.

Morning Wood - 06/08/06

Stud: Dontrelle Willis
The "struggling" pitcher had a complete game, 6 hitter last night - his 13th career complete game, in a Marlins victory (run-on sentence). My assumption is he's pitching well in the hopes of getting traded. Call me Stephen A. Gammons.

Dud: Edmonton Oilers
It's only right to provide equal coverage to all sports. Two teams are actually playing for the Stanley Cup right now...yeah, hard to believe. Anyway, the Oilers lost 5-0 last night to the Carolina Hurricanes. If loving Barry Melrose is wrong, I don't wanna be right.


Talk Around the Cooler:
Is Jason Grimsley the man you expected to be the face of the MLB's steroid testing loophole? I was expecting someone big and bulky like Ichiro! It makes sense to declare certain substances illegal and not test for them. Great job, MLB. I, for one, am interested in seeing what names come out. I'll say it again,Bud Selig is the best commissioner in sports. That's not hyperbole, that's fact.

Steve McNair limps his way to Baltimore. Kyle Boller is sad. Ray Lewis is currently sacking and pillaging the city of Baltimore to celebrate the great news. The Titans' treatment of McNair this offseason is the stuff only a classy organization would do.


NBA Finals
All this talk about Dwayne Wade being sick with a virus is just bunk. The series should be great and I'm anticipating a number of great Shaq quotables, such as: “I knew I was dog meat. Luckily, I'm the high-priced dog meat that everybody wants. I'm the good-quality dog meat. I'm the Alpo of the NBA.”

Quick Hits...
US Soccer team has a tough road ahead...

Surprise, surprise...Kerry Wood might be injured again. It's safe to say that Dusty Baker is to young pitchers as Larry Brown is to rookies: detrimental to their development.

Thank God for the Colorado Rockies...

Roger's Return

After blue balling MLB for half a season, Roger Clemens decided to return from the golf course/Hometown buffet to help out his floundering Astros. They are struggling so much that there two highlights on the season have been rocket scientist Russ Springer throwing at Bobblehead Bonds five times in an at bat and this guy keeping his dick out of the postgame grits. Roger's first rehab start (on the DL with a cold shoulder of the entire league?) was for the Class A Lexington Legends (who names a Class A team the Legends? This better be a reference to a map), where his son Koby started along side him at 3rd base. In the six strikeout, three inning performance, ESPN is reporting there was apparently a humorous exchange between father and son before the third inning when Koby mentioned that one more strikeout from the Rocket would lead to free wiper fluid for the crowd. Fortunately, SU had planted a microphone in the dugout, giving us access to the actual exchange:

Koby: Hey Dad...
Roger: God damnit boy, how many times do I have to tell you? It's Mister Muthaf*cking Clemens!
Koby: Come on!
Roger: You want to test me Hot Corner? I'll buzz you from this damn dugout the next time you're batting! They can't touch me here, I own this place! Where are we?
Koby: Lexingt...
Roger: It doesn't damn well matter. I'll buy it this afternoon.
Koby: Okay, Mister Clemens, I just wanted...
Roger: Damnit it Three Bagger, you know I don't like people talking to me on game days
Koby: I'm sorry.
Roger: Continue if you must.
Koby: It's just that everyone in the crowd gets free wiper fluid if you K one more guy and...
Roger: Don't you think Mister Clemens is trying to K every guy? Do you think I want to share the ball with you guys? Does a deer sh*t in the rain?
Koby: No?
Roger: Hell no!
Koby: I just thought...
Roger: Thinking only hurts the club Three Sacker! You know the last time I thought?
Koby: Umm...
Roger: There's no answer, that's the point.
Koby: You mean it's rhetorical.
Roger: Oh! Listen to Hot Corner over here? Word Smith! What, you got a thelonious out there in the field?
Koby: A what?
Roger: A thelonious. A book with all different words and sh*t. Aw hell, the inning's over. Good talk b*tch. Carry my glove out to the mound Hot Corner.
Koby: But why can't...
Roger: Because I'm Muthaf*ckin Roger Clemens!

The Morning Wood - 06/07/2006

Stud: Nomar Garciaparra. My man went deep off of his old running mate Pedro Martinez in an 8-5 Dodgers' victory. He's quietly hitting .363, has 40 rbis, is playing a stellar first base and gets to see this face of satisfaction every night.

Dud: Venus Williams. Lost 6-7, 6-1, 6-3 to some bionic 17-year-old Czech. I'm alright w/a quarterfinal loss, but 70 unforced errors? I think it's about time to hang it up. On the bright side, at least she doesn't have to play this dude. Someone get Tino Martinez on the line and let him know that we've found his forearms. Yeowza.

Talk Around the Cooler... I know the NHL has been catching a lot of shit, but I hought it deserves mentioning that Saturday's Jersey/Carolina Stanley Cup Playoff game drew a 1.1 rating...which was beat out by taped coverage of the NCAA women's gymnastics championships. When your "major sport" is being beaten out by breastless women who could beat most men up tumbling around on a mat, things aren't lookin' so hot. Eh?

Quick Hits... Don't you just love Paris in the winter...er...summertime? Top pick in the baseball draft, Luke Hochevar, was drafted 40th last year by the Dodgers, yet refused to sign b/c they "felt [he] was not worthy to be paid w/the top pitchers from last year's draft." Now he's got Scott Boras as his agent. I think I speak for everyone when I wish him nothing but the worst. Some dude named Evan Longoria was taken in the first round by the Devil Rays, meaning, if he makes it to the bigs, look out for some terrible, terrible jokes. Luckily, the only people who should hear them are the 19 who pay attention to Tampa Bay.

Drew Bledsoe...why, oh why?

With his pansy throwing motion (see above) and lack of pocket presence, it's probably no wonder that the cerebrally challenged Drew Bledsoe would say the following about Terrell Owens:"I'll be surprised if anything happens. I really will. He's been welcomed here and will continue to be as long as he's the guy he has been in the past.''

As long as he's the guy he's been in the past?! Nevermind the fact that he ruined two teams, most recently being kicked off the Eagles. Some of his team-building exploits with the Eagles include: body slamming Hugh Douglas during a locker room "scuffle," choosing the non-commital interception-happy Brett Favre over Donovan McNabb in a televised interview and ruffling the feathers of the white establishment with his Desperate Housewives lead-in to Monday Night Football. That last nugget is simply my homage to one Stephen A. Smith.



If that's the T.O. that Bledsoe fondly recalls, I'm not so sure I'm going to enjoy the upcoming Cowboys season with such gems of intelligence being thrown about. I'm hoping that Bledsoe's quote was simply a lapse in concentration (something we've seen too many times on the football field). Or perhaps he's thinking of those memorable instances when T.O. showed true selflessness by doing situps in his driveway to divert attention from his bumbling piece of shit agent or crying on the field when not getting balls thrown his way (not those kind of balls). Maybe he's thinking about MTV Cribs when T.O. unveiled his bright orange, pimped out VW Beetle (with matching shades), thoroughly embarrasing himself and all who know him. Unfortunately this is all speculative and I wish I had more answers. What I do know is that Drew Bledsoe is just registering that Michael Strahan just beat Larry Allen on the edge and is coming in for the sack. The sad thing is...this play happened last October for the rest of us.

Video of the Week

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. Bronson, while you may be rockin 7 wins, a 2.40 era and some sweet-ass facial hair, look at yourself. Look at this commercial you're making. How can you look your wife/the drunken single women of Cincinnati in the eye? And what's with that flair on the back of your buttondown? Who signed off on that outfit? Elton John? The most interesting part of the video, however, occurs while Bronson is giving me that double index finger+tawdry smile. Hey Bronson, what's that on your left wrist? Umm...is that...a...Red Sox nation wristband? Now, granted, it might be one of these, but I'd like to think that Brandon is having a little trouble letting go. He he misses the warm embrace of Big Papi, or maybe he longs to knock the pants off of this little tramp. Either way, I feel like something is missing in Ohio. I don't know about you, but this leg kick just doesn't seem to have the same panache. I see pain in that face, I see a man crying inside, trying to fill a void in his heart by making used car commercials. Seek help, heal your pain, possibly in the arms of veteran journeyman/all-star snuggler Quinton McCracken. Godspeed Brandon, godspeed.