Hubie Brown Goes to Subway

Sports Untertainment recently spotted basketball mensa Hubie Brown at a local Subway sandwich shop. The following conversation was captured on a handheld voice recorder...

Hubie Brown: Hey there, kiddo. Looking for a little something to sate my hunger here.

Subway Sandwich Artist: Jesus Christ, you look like death. What'll it be?

HB: Hmmm...let's see here. I might go w/the 6" Meatball Sub. That gets you 50% of your daily Vitamin C, 10% of your Vitamin A, not to mention 40% of your Iron, plus 7 grams of fiber. Those are numbers you can't get every day; really fills up the boxscore. Now look, with the good, you got to take the bad; 560 calories, 11 grams saturated fat.

SSA: Um, Mr. Brown, I don't know where you're getting these numbers.

HB: I'm a motherfuckin' walking statsheet, kid. Shut your yap. Back to the order. How about this new Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki? Unlimited upside. Potential galore. Never seen anything like this. He gives you 26 grams of protein, decent Vitamin C, Iron, only 370 calories, and low fat. He's got it all. He's like Antoine Walker.

SSA: Antoine Walker sucks.

HB: Kid, I'm old, but I'll hop over this counter and throw you into the bread oven, so help me god. Alright, let's get to making this. Give me the Honey Oat bread: 4 grams of fiber, and I've got a shit that's been brewing for 3 days.

SSA: Fantastic.

HB: Ok, let's get going here. Wow, now watch this sandwich artist go. Jimmy Nelson here is an under-rated employee: he's got a 98% utility rate, averages 45 seconds per sandwich made, and all at $8.25/hour. Great work by the Subway brass signing this kid.

SSA: Um, that's not my name, we don't keep those stats, and I don't make that much money.

HB: I'll shove a 12" hearty italian roll up your ass. Now give me some green peppers: 10% of your Vitamin C with virtually no calories. Yeah, that's it. Watch him lay those down. This kid is long, and he uses that length to his advantage. That's what a veteran of 10 years learns from being in the game this long.

SSA: I started last week.

HB: Exactly. Upside, upside, upside. Alright, what's the damage.

SSA: You're frightening me. $4.25

HB: Here you go, kid. Alright, keep putting in good work.

SSA: Mr. Brown, you just handed me chocolate coins.

Hubie disappears in a cloud of smoke.