Conversation With Isiah Thomas

Ignore the look of confusion on his face, Isiah's got it all figured out. We took the time to sit down with Zeke and see what's goin' with the new coach of the knickerbockers. See what he has to say (it's not much)...

Sports Untertainment (SU): We're now about 36 hours away from this year's draft and the NY media is focusing more on the ouster of Larry Brown than your team's needs and draft strategy. Do you feel the scrutiny placed on your and James Dolan's relationship with Larry Brown has been unfair?
Isiah Thomas (IT, not for Information Technician and no all those techies are not all Indian, even though it really seems like it): No, I'm fine with it. The dissension and rancor within the ranks of upper management regarding any and all decisions made is something that should be accepted in any workplace. Furthermore I think it should be welcomed. And by welcomed, I mean my advances...hahaha.

SU: So you like turmoil?
IT: No, but turmoil does seem to follow me.

SU: Let's talk about the Larry Brown situation. In hindsight, do you think you should have considered the personnel you had on the team before hiring a coach like Larry Brown? A coach that's not particularly fond of young players?
IT: My job has absolutely nothing to do with assessing the personnel on this basketball team or the coach that calls the plays on the court. And frankly, I'm utterly confused as to what's going on here in New York. Do you know what my title is?

SU: You're the general manager of the team?
IT: Exactly.

SU: Exactly, my point. Aren't you responsible for the team that runs up and down the court 82 games a season?
IT: As a general manager, my job is to look good in the face of pressure. To make up lies to feed the media. You see me in my $5000 dollar suit watching the Knicks games in the tunnel? That's me being a general manager. That's my job. Listening to Steve Francis bitch about us misplacing his gifts and love letters from Cuttino "Cat", I prefer to call him "Pussy" Mobley is not my job. Bringing in Steve Francis because he has a similar frame to me? Yes, that's why I brought him in. Why not surround yourself with guys on your Yahoo! fantasy team. All I need now is Jason Terry, Baron Davis, Smoosh Parker and Earl Boykins.

SU: So, you're not trying to put the best team on the court?
IT: Yahoo! Fantasy Basketball. That's the team I'm trying to put on the court. You know my team name: Kissing Magic Is Heaven. I have amazing scorers. Slashers, shoot-first players. That's what gets you points in fantasy leagues. And that's how you win games in the NBA. And frankly, that's why I've given away our first round picks. You think I'm gonna draft Andrea Bargnani? a 7-1 power forward? What team ever needs size?

SU: But what about the defensive stats, like rebounds, steals, etc. The Pistons seemed to thrive more off of their defense than their O.
IT: I've got two answers for you. Eddy Curry is easily the second coming of Bill Russell. The true grit and determination of that man is amazing. His heart is uncomparable - mainly because it's barely beating. Inside joke. Strike that from the record of this interview please. But the next answer? The behemoth that is Jerome James. His stats speak for himself. Nuff' said, brotha.

SU: He averaged, what 5-6 points per game this season?
IT: Oh, like there's a center in this league posting numbers better than that? And don't get me started on the Pistons. I'll punk that mothafucka Joe Dumars if i ever see him alone. That dark skinned son of a bitch has got it coming to him. I am the Detroit Pistons.

SU: Wow. Interesting words.
IT: He and everybody comes at me talkin' bout how I ran the CBA into the ground. I only take organizations the direction they're already heading. You're on the downswing, I take you further down that path until there's no way out. And by no way out - I mean that there's nothing more I can do within my job responsibilities to make the situation seem even more dire. What's left for me to do? I need to get the fuck out and take my magic somewhere else. And fortunately, that place is now the New York Knicks.

SU: You're proud of that?
IT: YES!

SU: Interesting. I usually like to end my interviews with a few quick hitters. Just gimme a few quick thoughts on whatever I shoot your way. You ready?
IT: Sure, go ahead.

SU: Larry Bird
IT: Dirtiest moustache of the 20th century. I was afraid to get close to him. The thing smelled like Star Jones' vagina mixed with pork rinds and the aftermath of man love between Cuttino and Stevie Franchise.

SU: This year's draft.
IT: The strategy is to unload all our picks this year. We just want to have a great time watching the show on TNT.

SU: Stephon Marbury
IT: Greatest player I've seen since alum Joe Forte and Kueth Duany. Duany is amazing. Not only because of his stats, but also because he's so black he looks blue.

SU: What?!
IT: I'm serious. Just like I said about Jerome James - look at the stats, man.

SU: Thanks for your time.