Dear Lima

With a sudden increase in free time due to an ERA approaching his wife's hotness score (10) and his subsequent designation by the Mets, Jose Lima has decided to join the SU staff part time. In his first column, Lima answers several pressing national questions...

Dear Lima,
What are your thoughts on Israel bombing Lebanon as an attempt to punish Hezbollah for holding two of their soldiers hostage? -Dan G, Cedar Rapids IA

G- Choo gots to look at eet thesse way mayn: why is we bombing hombres when Issreal and Laybahnon shood be dancing wit eash other mayn? I don't know how choo do eet in Cedair Rapidemente, but in Lima Time, dancing wit mayns is how choo resolve issues. It don't matter if He's bollah or choo's a balla, bombing ain't the answer. Choo got to watch thee Middle Eass mayn, cause choo don't want to be paying brazos y piernas para Daddy Yankee Gasolina!! Gasolina!! Dan G, choo want to dance wit Lima? Gasolina!!

Dear Lima,

Have you seen the trailer for "Snakes on a Plane" yet? I think it is going to be one of the best films ever. -Rich F., New York, NY

Reech- Choo goes to look at eet thesse way mayn: how is those snakes on dat plane? Does they sleeep past security? Does they eat peanuts? Does the plane have first class? AH, these questions must be answered first. I reemember in '99, me, Carl Everett, and Derek Bell iss sitting in dee back of dee plane playing domino. I catch out of the corner of my ojo someting moving about, all sleethering. I look over, and choo know what eet was? Hidalgo has his salchicha out of hees fly and hee's waving it at us. Jesús Cristo, we was scared. And dat was just one hombre's snake, choo know?

Dear Lima,

Do you think that Barbaro is going to survive his latest infection? -Ed, Louisville, KY

Ed-Choo goes to look at eet thesse way mayn: In Lima Time, we don't have no stinkin' horses, we gots unicornios. Ay Barbaro, why the cara larga? HAHA, eet gets mee urry tiempo. Theese horse, eee will be hokay, eee weell live and bee put out to stud. Ay, thas not so bad Bebero eh?? You in Lima Time for a horse muchacho. Ed, what ees this place KY? Lima's wife ees always buying KY thees, KY dat: KY ees place? Ahh, no matter, what ees this, "Dear Ed"? HAHA, no! Ees Dear Lima! Adios muchachos, until next week.