The Morning Wood - 07/17/2006

Stud:
Damn it, I don't know if there were many studs out there. I'm tempted to give it to this delectable iced coffee. I guess we'll go with John Senden, who won his first career PGA tournament at the John Deere Classic. Either way, it's certainly not anyone that pitched for the Cubs in the 6th inning against the Mets.

Dud: Keith Davis
Dude, stop getting shot. I'm not buying this innocent bystander shiite either. If you've been shot two times in a three year span, you've got to be doing some dirt. Or your karmic seeds are sprouting bitter fruit. Either way, you're making a run at this fella for most shot up.


Talk Around the Cooler:
Natalie Gulbis' bid to not be a Kournikova fell short as she lost in a sudden death playoff against Jet Li. That being said, she is the LPGA's most marketable asset at this point, as Michelle Wie diddles with the boys and passes out. A women's golfer that I'd love to have wash my balls? Priceless.

Speaking of which, I just realized who I should have made a dud: Michelle Wie. Now it's probably not right for me to call out a 16 year old girl but someone has to. STOP TRYING TO PLAY WITH THE MEN UNTIL YOU'VE WON A WOMEN'S TOURNAMENT!! It just doesn't make any sense to me, and the John Deere classic was a perfect example. You can obviously swing it but there is a reason that there aren't any 16 year olds on the tour: you're inconsistent and just too young damnit. The whole heat exhaustion was just the icing on the cake. If you can't handle the humidity, get your ass back on the women's tour. Just be happy she hasn't eaten you yet.

Quick Hits...
I'm sorry, how the hell can you tell if Barbaro is in a good frame of mind? What does that mean? I have to tell you, saying that Barbaro is in "stable" condition is hilarious to me. Because horses live in stables. There's two meanings to that word there. Get it? Eric Lindros has signed a one year deal with the Dallas Stars, a team he's always hoped to be injured for. Danika Patrick is apparently weighing the decision to switch over to NASCAR. Umm, how about we just shut NASCAR down and we make the decision for you? Also, there's more than one "racing" league in America? What the hell is going on here? While Lance "Vaudeville" Armstrong is yucking it up at the ESPYs and cryerbating to "Strong Enough", there's apparently a Tour de France going on. Oh, who's kidding who, I don't give half a shit. The Red Sox suck.