Letters To Barbaro

It's becoming increasingly apparent that more of us in this country have mental problems than I thought. And by more of us I mean two groups of people: 1) Sports Reporters and 2) delusional equestrian fanatics that know their 5-year old child will be squeezing Barbaro out of a newly purchased bottle of Elmer's glue just a few months from now. I just want to reference a few things: how can one openly admit they know nothing about what the horse is going through go on to write article after article about itsresolve. It's a fucking horse, and unless you're talking to the one and only Mr. Ed, I doubt you're getting much noteworthy feedback. The reports right after his first surgery about Barbaro being "frisky" with the mares meant nothing to me. I could be on my death bed and want to get frisky - doesn't mean I'm feeling great. Fucking idiots. And then we have these damn video tributes to the horse. Give me a break. If you want to see something truly depressing, look at this. And then think to yourself that you're probably more talented than Mr. Rose and you'll never make as much money in your lifetime as him.

Read these exclusive, heart-felt letters we've been able to obtain. Fortunately, some of us in this country are sane. Enjoy!
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Dear dear sweet Barbaro,
Sweetie, I hope your recovery is going magnificent!! I can only imagine the pain you're going through. It must be unbearable to the point where you need someting like a pillow or something durable to put in your mouth to withstand the constant pain and pressure. Here's to a speedy recovery, you hunk of sweet thoroughbred man!!

Sincerely,
Richard Simmons, America's sweetheart

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Barbaro,
In a word, you were heroic on the field of battle. You've helped us secure the weapons of mass destruction and our work in Iraq is now almost complete. Furthermore, your work on the Mr. Ed show was inspirational. You are that same horse aren't you?

George "Dubya" Bush, President of the Yoonited Stayts (I graduated from Yell University)

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Dear Barbro,

I watched the Preeknest Staykes and saw you break your hoof. My daddy says the only reason anybody cares is because you can give people C-men that are valuable. I've never heard of them. Who are they and can me and my friends have some?

Erick, 7 years old

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Barbaro,

Why the long face? I'm turning in my grave being witness to the hoopla surrounding you and your piece of shit leg. You fucking equine scum. Sack up and succumb to your inevitable end. We'll all be better off without you.

Your friend,
Mr. Ed

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Mr. Barbaro,

We would like to extend offa to you. Me along with with my wife own rest'raunt called Taste of Orient. We believe your "presence" would be much welcomed at our establishment. We have extended to other famous celebrity like Spuds Mackenzie and our food was all the better for it. Please promptly respond to our requsts. Our woks are impatiently awaiting.

Mien Wang, owner of Taste of the Orient Restaurant

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To you I say, sorry.

I'm just really sorry. I just want to apologize to all the fans. I accept full responsibility for this. I'm just trying to go forward for now. It's going to be hard and I know how you feel. I'm just sorry about this. There's been a lot of distratction over the last couple months and I'm sorry for that. I feel I let down the fans, the media and I can't forgive myself for that. I don't really know what I'm apologizing for but it just comes so natrually.

Sincerely,
Jason Giami, Yankee Slugger (courtesy of my HGH kit)

PS - I'd be so much better if that fucker Steinbrenner let me have facial hair. I'm like Ralph Sampson. Or Samson. Shit, sorry about the reference. You know what I mean. I'm sorry guys.

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I'm sick of this sinking ship mentality - it's either your or me. You wanna take this outside? Challenge me, motherfucker. I can't deal with this anymore - you're a cancer inside and outside the stable. Let's get saddled up and take this outside. Let's end it right now. You wanna fight? You're by no means more important than the larger plan. If you were a real man, you'd settle this thing with fisticuffs.

Signed,

John Gibbons, MLB manager you don't want to fuck with

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