H.R. goes to HR

Girl, you see this ball? Nah girl, I don't even need to look at that sh*t. Let me juggle you and my other girlfriends.

We here at S.U. were quite shocked to hear about Harold Reynold's dismissal. When your crew consists of the these three a holes, you tend to not let anyone go unless they've really screwed up. When rumors came out of sexual harassment being Harold Reynold's downfall, numerous questions jumped into our heads: Why couldn't it have been Joe Morgan? Is my '86 Calgary Cannons card going to sell for less? They fire people for sexual harassment these days? Fortunately, we were able to recover tapes of Harold's initial Human Resources seminar at ESPN. What you read here might shock you.

Readers who are easily upset, allergic to velvet, fans of the Little League World Series, suffering from irritable bowel syndrome, or Republicans should not read on. Republicans that have the ability to read that is...

May 20th, 1996
New Hire Harold Reynolds

Interviewer: Good morning Mr. Reynolds. Welcome aboard. We are excited to have a person with your expertise in our company.

Harold Reynolds: Mr. Reynolds? Come on now! You can call me H-R baby!
Int: I'm sorry?
HR: H-R baby! like Home Run, like around all the bases, you dig? H to the R! Got Hunnies Running funny!
Int: Hunnies...
HR: Running Funny. Hunnies with the H, Running with the R.
Int: Right. But where does the F come from?
HR: Got Hunnies running Funny once I'm done with them!
Int: You can't say that.
HR: Sorry, sorry. I'm just so excited. You guys got chapter 11 here right? Women get equal employment opportunities and all that?
Int: I believe you mean Title IX and that really doesn't apply outside of college sports but yes, we believe that women are strong assets within out company.
HR: Damn straight homey! I loves em strong. Nice and thick.
Int: Mr. Reynolds...
HR: HR Homey!
Int: Mr. HR, we do not tolerate language of this sort! Now Please...
HR: I bet you let Craig Kilborn say shit like this
Int: We most certainly do not. I find your suggestion of racism insulting.
HR: You know what I find insulting? That desk you got up in front of the sportscenter crews. Shit, the other day, I'm talking to Danny Tartabull and I said "hey Bull, you think Linda Cohn even got legs?" Seriously, does she have legs?
Int: That is really not why we're here...
HR: So the bitch don't have legs. That is one of the saddest things I've heard. Where that bitch at? I need to give her a hug.
Int: Mr. Reynolds, I have no choice but to recommend your immediate dismissal from ESPN.
HR: Now you listen here Muthaf@cka. You know who I am right?
Int: Yes
HR: Now listen here. You might see the smile, see the .258 average on the back of the baseball cards...
Int: You hit .258 for your career???
HR: Never mind the numbers now son, I was swinging at a small ass baseball, not fat honky HR reps. So here's what you're gonna do: you're gonna walk out this room all smiling and shit and you're gonna say H-R is a nice muthaf@cka and you're gonna keep your mouth shut.
Int: I most certainly will not.
HR: I can figure out where you live. You got a wife? Every Thanksgiving, what does she get second helpings of? Yeah, the dark meat. You want her running funny? Don't f@ck with me. I'm not gonna get stuck doing local commercials. So if you want to save your lady's gait, you better say H-R is great! That shit rhymes!
Int: This is ridiculous!
HR: I can see her now, walking like she just got off Secretariat
Int: Fine, you'll be gone in three months with this behavior anyway.
HR: That's what you think homey. Bitches love hugs! Aiight, where the white women at??