The Morning Wood - 07/24/2006

Stud: Jered Weaver
The 23-year-old rook got his seventh win in seven starts yesterday as he held the offensive juggernaut that is the Kansas City Royals to three hits over 6 2/3. He's the first to win his first seven since this pimp, who, in his later years, is giving a new definition to the term "four bagger." While his delivery and likeness may look exactly like his brother, he isn't washed up. We must remember, though, that Jeff came into the league mowing batters down for the Tigers, and Jered's seven victories have come against the O's, Cleveland, Tampa Bay, two against KC, Seattle and Oakland - not exactly a who's who of powerhitting clubs. That .79 WHIP is pretty freakin impressive, however.

Dud(s): The Cincinnati Bengals
Even Vanilla Ice's rap sheet looked better than this. The Bungles' DT Matthias Askew was arrested on Saturday after struggling w/police officers over a parking violation. A parking violation. This man is a millionaire, yet can't fork over $15 for not feeding the meter? The arresting officers needed to use a Taser to subdue him, too. In total, Chris Henry and AJ Nicholson are each facing a trio of charges, while Frostee Rucker comes in w/two. Now you've got Askew doing this just moments after owner Mike Brown released a statement to fans to let them know that their players are upstanding citizens. He swears. Really.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Tiger Woods held off a pretty game Chris DiMarco to take the British Open yesterday in fairly impressive fashion. He got all sorts of emotional after the win, crying in his hot au-pair-of-a-wife's arms. Right before he and playing partner Sergio Garcia got up to the 18th green, some protesters from "Fathers 4 Justice" threw purple stuff on the surface. It was to demonstrate their hatred of Sunny D. Garcia said that "it didn't affect [him] at all," or at least not as much as the enormous ball of choke stuck in his throat.

Quick Hits...
Some American w/an arthritic hip won the Tour de France. Finishing in second place was Bea Arthur. Al Harrington is heading back to the Pacers, who hope that he can return to his mediocre, overrated form from when they had him last time. People are calling A-Rod "E-Rod," which is hysterical. Ozzie Guillen got pissed that one of his pitchers didn't hit a guy, again. I love that incorrigible bastard.