The Morning Wood - 07/31/2006

Stud:Chase Utley
Chase Utley is streaking like Harold Reynolds at an ESPN employee picnic! The Udder man extended his streak to 31 games, tying Ed Delahanty's streak that we all remember in 1899 as the second longest streak in Phillies history. The longest streak is owned by Jimmy Rollins, who hasn't had a hit since his streak ended the second game of this year. Go Utley!

Dud: Contract Negotiations
I know that the life of a football player is short lived. It just pisses me off that there are hassles every year about the contracts. We talking bout paper! Take Matt Leinart for example. He has walked away from negotiations because they couldn't get a deal done over the weekend. Matt, ask Rod Tidwell, the Cardinals will always try and rip you off. That being said, they have no way to guarantee that no other penis besides your own penetrates Paris Hilton so stop asking for that clause. Just sign your deals, get in to camp, get hurt, and start selling stuff on QVC.

Talk Around The Cooler:
The Yankees outfield costs more than a "conflict" in Iraq! The Yankees pulled away Metrosexual Bobby Abreu from the Phillies yesterday as well as Aaron Small, err Shawn Chacon, right Cory Lidle for Brien Taylor, Drew Henson, atravelinging secretary George Costanza. Abreu is excited because he says Yankee Stadium's Monument Park is a perfect place to bury his Home Run swing, which passed away July of last year.

Justin Gaitlin pulled a Bonds/Sheffield/Landis after his positive test for testosterone, saying that he never willingly took the drug. I don't mean to condemn him before we hear all the facts, but let me just say that the word "willingly" there really pisses me off. If you're a professional athlete, especially a trickster, you better know exactly what is being rubbed on your body at all times and you better trust the people you are working with. It's as simple as that. His coach is now calling the entire thing a set up. I'm sure Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson will agree and somehow blame me. I blame Linford Christie.

Quick Hits:
Bruce Sutter was inducted into the Hall of Fame with two thirds of ZZ Top. Carlos Beltran has hit 3 grand slams in July, tying a major league record. Man, he really really sucked last year! Welcome back though. Some dude Danny Leake had holes in one on consecutive days this weekend. Congratulations, I hope your wife is cheating on you. Finally, we have reached the trade deadline in baseball. Who's going where? Who knows? I miss Gammons.