The Morning Wood - 10/17/06

Stud: Bears Defense
Or is it offense? The Bears D has outscored the Bears offense in two of the past three games. Obviously this is a new scheme that Lovie Smith has unveiled and the league just hasn't caught up with it. Some good news for the Bears offense though, Rex Grossman got off his high horse and decided to play like other great U. of Florida QB's of yesteryear - Danny Wuerffel and Jesse Palmer.

Dud: Edgerrin James
As bad as he played last night, Edgerrin still managed to set an NFL record last night - for mediocrity. Thirty six carries, for 55 yards. Ladies and gentleman, the record holder for most carries in a game with fewest yards gained. Congrats, Edgerrin. Only one thing comes to mind when thinking about your decision to leave the Colts for the Cardinals. Nobody said the guys at "the U" were smart.

Talk Around The Cooler:
Speaking of Miami, how amazing/sad was the ho-down against FIU on Saturday night? There's a term the NCAA uses called "lack of institutional control." That might apply to this football program. A few things of note: this event effectively ends Larry Coker's term at Miami, Lamar Thomas (the commentator in the video) is comical/ridiculous and #19 for Miami, Brandon Meriweather apparently likes hitting - excuse me, kicking and stepping on players while they're down since it seems he can't really bring them down himself. I wonder what it feels like be used as a pinball and a hurdle within a 1.5 second span. Amazing. WE READY! WE READY!

So apparently Mike Tyson is expanding his opponents to those of the opposite gender for his barnstorming tour. Conveniently, Tyson's proposed opponent is completely unaware of this arrangement. If there's one thing I'd say about Tyson, it's that he's clever. What better way to beat a woman senseless and not be punished for it by saying the two of you planned it? Brilliant! Ok, ok not a funny comment. I'm all for women's rights, okay bitches? Fine, how 'bout if Mike Tyson pleasured you so much it hurt?

So apparently the new chic criminal offense this fall is shooting (at) people. At least that's what my #1 fantasy draft pick (you fuckers really think I'm joking) and Juan Uribe would have you believe. I'm hoping Ozzie Guillen gives Uribe a serious tongue lashing (not that kind, you dirty bastards) for this. I mean seriously, a pellet gun? At least use a gun that can do some serious bodily harm. Fucking amateurs. I guarantee you Stephen Jackson and Zach Randolph are having a field day with this story. "Morning shootaround" doesn't quite have the same meaning it used to in the NBA.

Quick Hits:
If you weren't excited about Piniella coming back to manage, I hope this helps you out. Imagine if someone had stolen his wallet! Sticking with Lou for one second, he also wants the biggest under-achieving overachiever on his team. And finally, you guys might think she likes to stare intently into the camera, but I'm here to tell you that Rachel Nichols gives me serious sex eyes during ESPN broadcasts. I know you guys are jealous. And she doesn't even blink! Amazing.