NBA Preview: Charlotte Bobcats

"You don't even care about me, do you?"


Changes:
The Bobcats were not good last year and because of that, they were rewarded with the #3 pick, grabbing 70’s fluffer Adam Morrison from Gonzigzaga. There’s this dude Walter Hermann but he might be my new least favorite NBA player (you hear that Ira Newble, you’re off the hook). I hate Waltah! That being said, this is a young ass team that could really use one thing walking into the locker room: a healthy Emeka Okafor. Last year, he missed 56 games after dropping a biochemistry book on his foot. This year he has lost some weight to hopefully stay on the court. Hey, it worked for Pudge Rodriguez and no one questioned his cause. Hmm. Bernie Bickerstaff still looks somewhat like a beaver. Michael Jordan is lurking somewhere in the background of management, betting millions that Brevin Knight doesn’t have human genitalia.

Style of Play:
The Bobcats love stealing stuff: Sebastian Telfair’s neck warmer, the hearts of North Carolina honkey bitches, and basketballs. The Bobs lead the league in rips last year, not that it really helped. They are a gambling defense, led by Gerald William Wallace, a stat super freak last year. He’s got busier hands than Mario Lopez at a Saved By the Bell autograph session. Kapowski! On offense, Raymond Felton will continue his Chris Paul Jr. routine (check the second half numbers before disagreeing) but it seems like too many possessions end with Primo Brezec 18 footers. Hopefully those will be Morrison’s shots this year.

Impact Player:
This is tough to pick although I would have to say Emeka Okafor (translates as “Calhoun f*cked up not recruiting Gomes”). With Okafor, the Bobs have an interior defensive presence. Without him, they have Melvin Ely and Primo (and I’m not talking DJ Premier here) twiddling their thumbs. He also provides their only post presence on the offensive end. After averaging a double double his rookie year, will he be able get into double digit games this year? Also, he’s got a Delgado-strength smile, so take that for what it’s worth.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
Can I say two people here? Screw it, I’m going to. My first would be with Okafor and here is the scenario: We’re in a bar, maybe around Harvard, and this dude, maybe he has ponytail, comes up to me and starts talking shit about my knowledge in front of this girl I was working. Emeka jumps up out of nowhere, says some shit about isotopes and elephantitis, and then I say “my boy’s wicked smahht” and we get into a bar brawl. Or I’d like to get arrested with Adam Morrison in the Champagne room at a strip club after he demands for his wispy moustache to be "muff-flavored" before he leaves.

Prediction:
This team still isn’t going to be good but they should be improved. 36-46