The Morning Wood - 10/13/2006

Stud: Tom Glavine
Alright, who's ready for an SAT analogy? Here we go. . .
Sampson : hair as Tom Glavine : ?
If you guessed "FUPA," you're correct! As this wiley vet gets more bulbous around the waist/crotch region, his changeup gets that much more deceiving. He tossed 7 innings of 4-hit ball against a formerly venerable Cardinals lineup - which now consists of Albert Pujols surrounded by 7 guys from Nelly's entourage. Yay-uh! I guess I'm impressed by the start, but when you're facing a lineup whose #2 hitter once struck out 187 times in a season, you're not exactly going up against '76 Reds.

Dud: Radar Guns
I can't believe it took that rag USA Today to finally break some news about this, but at least someone has stepped up to the plate (pun intended) and call out FOX/ESPN on their questionable radar gun readings. I have no doubt that Joel Zumaya tosses the ball 100, and that Verlander can crank it up to the high 90s, but 103 and 101, respectively? That's Danny Almonte stuff, right there. Christ, they had MLB punchline Joel Kennedy throwing at 97 against the Tigers, and if you expect me to believe that this physique can toss it 96, you're sadly mistaken. Even Kenny Rodgers, who at 41 probably has trouble getting anything up, can get his heater up to 94, according to FOX. Yes, we're dumb Americans who like fast things, but don't deceive us like that, FOX.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Stephen Jackson was released after pleading not guilty and posting a $10k bond in relation to a fight outside of a Indianapolis strip club. After Jackson was punched in the head and eluded a car that was trying to hit him, he got his gun and fired it in the air five times, which I'm guessing is a hourly activity for him. Never has it been easier to picture someone doing that in my mind than it is w/good ol'SJ. Jackson's attorney was quoted as saying, "A group of thugs attacked a group of young men who were there." Which group Jackson is considered to be part of has yet to be determined. Fortunately, coach Rick Carlisle said that the distraction shouldn't be a problem, b/c Jackson "is a smart guy. He picks things up very quickly." Yes, like firearms, technical fouls, suspensions, felony charges and venerial diseases. Who's ready for the NBA!!!

Quick Hits...
Kurt Warner says that he might retire at the end of the season to spend more time w/his husband. This story needs to go away. My diagnosis? Chronic Mediocrity. There are an alarming number of "late withdrawls" and "player pullouts" on the WTA Tour. This is funny b/c I'm five-years-old. For a more effective method of contraception, I suggest having sex in a hot tub.