NBA Preview: Washington Wizards

"Have you theen my batheball...."

Changes:
Sensing a real void of the Caucasian element on the roster following the departure of future Hall of Famer Steve Blake two years ago, the Wizards signed sharpshooter Darius Songaila to a mid-level exception (yes, I did call him a sharpshooter – the term is completely subjective). Positives of this deal – this stretches the court somewhat for the Wizards on offense. Negative – they signed Darius Songaila to the mid-level exception. That’s the equivalent of making way for a fat chick to give you a blowjob when you’d be better off pleasuring yourself. That doesn’t make sense to you? Excellent, because that doesn’t make sense to me either. In an attempt to satisfy the Michael Jackson/John Mark Karr/Anacostia element of the fan base, the Wizards also brought in DeShawn Stevenson, who some would call an excellent perimeter defender. On the offensive end, if you can manage to keep Mr. Stevenson from penetrating your child’s “perimeter” all should be good in Chocolate City. No pun intended, but the double entendre was.

Style Of Play:
This is the professional version of the Princeton offense – lots of cutting, backdoor passes and scoring. And without homos like Edwin Buff (my nuts)mire VIIII (as most guys do). Problem is last year there were few players on the roster who couldn’t hit the open shot when he kicked the ball out. Enter the Lithuanian Michael Jordan. DARIUS. SONGAILA. But to bring us back to reality, this team likes to score. For the second year in a row, the Wizards had the highest scoring trio in the NBA (Agent Zero, Antawn Jamison and Caron Butler). Hopefully at some point this season this young, but talented team will decide to play some defense. They played zone a significant amount of time last year, but zone really meant just letting anyone and everyone into the lane (insert Tara Reid joke).

Impact Player:
Um…this kind of goes without saying. Asking who the impact player is on the Wizards is like asking me if I’m a decent catch. The answer is way too obvious and that answer is fuck no. So let’s talk about the un-named Impact Player. He may have a chip on his shoulder after being cut from the USA Basketball team. He may be thinning the air in his house. He might play online poker during halftime of regular season games. He might be the most talented, yet “out of touch with reality" player ever. As good as he is, He thinks he has a lot to prove this season – and that bodes well for the Wizards.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
Etan Thomas. Plain and simple – a poetry reading gone wrong. Ganja in the air, thoughtful rhetoric being spewed by the cerebral Etan Thomas, when a drunken Craig Esherick walks in striking this pose while ice grilling Etan. All hell breaks loose.

Prediction:
With a motivated Arenas and some decent additions, the Wiz should improve on last year’s record. I’m saying 45-37 and a 7 seed in the East.