The Morning Wood - 10/23/2006

Stud: Kenny Rogers
The Gambler was dealin' for the third straight time last night, going eight innings while allowing two hits and no runs in a 3-1 Tigers victory, all this while acting like a psycho on the mound. He's turned into a huge John Rocker. That being said, watching him paint the outside corner with that nasty slider all night was sports artistry at its finest, not to mention the several slick-fielding plays he made. He's brought his playoff scorless innings streak to 24 1/3 innings, just a few behind the record-holding Hall-of-Famer Christy Mathewson. There was a what-should-have-been-slight-yet-is-turning-into-a-huge controversy over some brown goop in his left hand in the first inning, but as Todd Jones said, it could have been chocolate cake, a theory that is supported by Jones's dental impression in Rogers's palm.

Dud: Shawne Merriman
Last year's NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year will apparently be suspended for four games after violating the NFL's drug policy after testing positive for 'roids. Looks like ink wasn't the only thing he was injecting (but if those lats are wrong, I don't want to be right. Meow.). This puts a slight roadblock in the budding career of the man that seemed to be the heir-apparent to Ray Lewis as the game's most overenthusiastic, hyped middle linebacker. Maybe he can take this time to sit down with his family and do some serious self-reflection about taking that E out of his first name.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Now, I'm not NFL offensive coordinator, nor have I ever claimed to know the intricacies involved in play-calling and game management, but how in the name of Akili Smith does anyone let Joey Harrington throw the ball 62 times in one game? I actually think Harrington gets a lot more shit that he deserves, and that he's at least a mediocre QB, but this is like Greg Popovich telling Beno Udrih to get out there and do his best Kobe Bryant impression: there's just no need for it. It's not even like the game was ever out of hand. Harrington broke Dan Marino's record, and while I'm sure Joey is a nice guy who can tickle the ivories and all, you're never going to see him hawkin' Isotoners or starring alongside Jim Carey. Someone needs to get fired over this.

I might be about to say something really stupid, but when it's all said and done, Champ Bailey might be one of the 5 best players to ever put on a football uniform. Yes, I said it. Watch him one week. He doesn't have the mouth of a Ray Lewis, Chad Johnson or Fred Smoot, but he's probably the only guy in the league who changes the entire complexion of the game every week, without fail. That's all.

Quick Hits...
43-year-old Jamie Moyer just signed a 2-year contract extension with the Phillies. I'm not sure why, but IN YO' FACE! Speaking of washed-up performers, why the fuck are you singing a Chevy truck commercial before Game 2 of the World Series? Yes, this is Our Country, but I want you to stay in your Small Town b/c your music Hurts So Bad. Hooray Mellencamp jokes! Jeanne Zelasko's hair is holding her head hostage.