Bill Belichick is better than you...

Bill Belichick could have invented football if he wasn't focusing his attention on making the atomic bomb.
Referees ask Bill Belichick if he would be willing to accept penalties called against his team.
Halftime in a game is determined when Bill Belichick decides that he is bored with being the smartest person outdoors and that he wants to go be the smartest person inside a building for a half hour.
People make fun of the way Bill Belichick dresses, but I bet you would also like to wear something comfortable if you had invented the world in six days.
When Bill Belichick’s wife divorced him, she gave the classic “it’s not you, it’s me” line. But she was telling the truth.
Some naysayers mention that Bill Belichick's career record with the Cleveland Browns from 1991-1995 was 36-44. But what they fail to mention is that Lucifer was thwarted from taking over the world. Doesn't really show up in the wins column but I would say that was a big one.
Bill Belichick doesn’t blaspheme. He just says “Me Damn It!”
Every week, Bill Belichick has to list himself as doubtful because who knows when he will have to die for the sins of the world again.

The Morning Wood - 11/30/2006

Stud: Rex Grossman
I love everything about this article. Rex Grossman be clownin', son! I'm kind of glad to know that Rex got a little fired up and gave the DBs a taste of their own medicine. I think Darren Sharper articulates Grossman's celebratory tactics best: "He was kind of beating his chest, talking trash, this and that. 'You guys are this!' Whatever, Whatever. Some curse words, stuff like that." Move over Shakespeare. You guys are this? That shit is col'-blooded. Since when are DBs incapable of taking an earful without getting all huffy-puffy? That's right, I said huffy-puffy. And if the Vikings are trying to get in Grossman's head, they're going to have to make a reservation, b/c Rex has booked that room for himself for the last six weeks, and appears to be staying indefinitely. He likes the complimentary continental breakfast, and is especially partial to the apple turnovers. Get it? Turnovers???!! Zing! So go'head, Rex. Get ya talk on.

Dud: Albert Pujols
Cheeeell, son. The Cardinal star sounded off to the Spanish media yesterday, saying that "someone who doesn't take his team to the playoffs doesn't deserve the MVP." Que ridiculo! I always looked at Pujols as one of the good guys in professional baseball, but this has soured my opinion. Those seem like pretty straightforward, whiny, sore-loser words, and this is coming from a guy who just won the World Series. Who cares about the MVP? He should get back to enjoying his championship with his teammates. Plus, if he's in the Dominican Republic, who's watching David Eckstein at Chuck E. Cheese? It sure as shit better not be Jeff Weaver. Prioritize, Albert.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Art Shell is losing it, but I can't really blame him. I'm always up for a good conspiracy theory, and this one even has Shell using terms like "character assassination." He's been trolling that sideline for too long with that Xanax OD look on his face, and getting this out in the open has to be good for both his soul and whatever is taking up the space where Al Davis's soul used to be.

Michael Strahan got a bit testy with a reporter who was asking him about earlier comments he made criticizing the best half-route runner in the league, Plaxico Burress. Strahan wanted to see the reporter when he asked him a question, b/c of course you "look a man in the eye before you try to kill him or make something up." What? It's really amazing when the Giants' locker room can make Jeremy Shockey look like a sane, soft-spoken member of the team. This should end well.

Quick Hits...
UNC took down a Greg Oden-less Ohio State in a very good college basketball game last night. The way these announcers are talking about Oden, I'm going to be disappointed if he averages anything less then 40/30/15 while playing blindfolded. Turns out that it was just a mild case of the overrateds. In a related story, Ricky Manning Jr. has called out the entire University of Miami football team for being "geeks." Ah, only in the NFL can a convicted steroid user be embraced. 14 games into the season and the Celtics have already taken 3 years off my life.

The Morning Wood - 11/29/2006

Stud: Michael Redd
45 points, 8 rebounds and 5 assists last night in a 109-105 victory over the Lakers last night. The rebounds and assists were an added bonus. Kobe had 27, and I doubt was too thrilled to be shown up like that. God forbid he decides to take out his frustrations on someone (white women - head for the hills!).

Dud: This doesn't come as a surprise but today it's official. Priest Holmes will finish the season on the Physically Unable to Perform list alonside Ben Roethlisberger, Randy Moss, Mike Vanderjagt, Jake Delhomme, Edgerrin James, the Atlanta Falcons wide receivers and the Detroit Lions.

Talk Around The Cooler:
So, not to be outdone by the genius Red Sox front office, the Yankees have reportedly won the bidding rights to another Japanese Pitcher, Kei Igawa for about $26M. What does this all mean? Sushi at the concession stands, videos of Kabuki theater on the Jumbotron, throngs of geishas in the dugout and about 16 bukkake-themed victories. I unfortunately see this working out very well for the Yankees. I also don't believe that Matsuzaka will be twice as valuable as Igawa. I also think the Red Sox front office is a clueless about what they're doing as the Ying Yang Twins are about their coonery.

If there's one thing about Jeremy Shockey, he's an athlete that doesn't suffer from foot-in-mouth syndrome. That being said, he's essentially guaranteed a victory against the Cowboys this weekend. Romosexuals UNITE! And what's with players on down and out teams guaranteeing victories? Roy Williams, Braylon Edwards, the list goes on. Shut the fuck up and play.

Great thinking being exhibited by the Texans this week. Why? They recognize they need another wide receiver. Two, they understand that the NFL turns a blind eye to steroid use (see: Carolina Panthers - Super Bowl). So, who do you bring in? A world class runner that's tested positive for steroids multiple times who hasn't played organized football since 10th grade. BRILLIANT!!!

Quick Hits:
If you're the destructive type, take a gander. Brett Saberhagen, please shut the fuck up. You cannot be serious.

Giddy's Tuesday Morning Rant

I’m pissed. Why? I don’t know – I was fucking born that way. Deal with it. A couple things I’d like to get off my chest.

Scott Skiles/Ben Wallace – The Bulls are 4-8 and you two dumbasses are bitching about fucking headbands and taping ankles? Give me a break. And for all you fucks immediately anointing the Bulls as stalwarts in the Eastern Conference – I do hope you realize that teams like the Bulls and Pistons won championships because they had a consistent offensive presence around Wallace and Rodman. Deng, Hinrich, PJ Brown and Gordon. That’s some serious offensive punch, isn’t it? Supposedly defense wins championships, but you need to score points too. Eighteenth in the league in scoring is not going to cut it.

Mike Vanderjagt – No, I’m not pissed the Cowboys cut him. It’s the 2.5 million dollar bonus this motherfucker gets to keep that annoys me. If there were a chance to see Albert Haynesworth repeatedly use Vanderjagt’s dome to try to kick field goals, I’d love to see it.

Atlanta Wide Receivers – Yeah, Mike Vick is at times inaccurate (understatement), but for years I was under the impression that receivers were supposed to catch the ball and not drop it (see: Rae Carruth, FredEx). Not all the blame can fall on Vick when you have receivers that can’t get open and are confused about their role on offense. Somebody please let Roddy White, Michael Jenkins, Ashley Lelie, et al know that they aren’t cornerbacks who need to defend passes thrown their way. I can assure you this stress is not good for Michael Vick’s herpes!

ESPN – Whores. Please stop relentlessly fellating the following: Tom Brady, Brett Favre, Ray Lewis, Tony Romo, Bill Belichick. More names to be added later.

Delusional Fans – Fans of these teams get a nice “fuck you” from me. Why? Because they're in denial about the mediocrity of their football teams, have ridiculous gripes about how their team deserves [Insert praise, ranking, etc] and constantly make excuses about why their team should be where they aren't while ignoring the reality of their team's situation (run-on sentence). Notre Dame, Florida, Louisville, Rutgers, Boise State. I'd throw West Virginia on this list but they were gracious enough to lose to South Florida Enjoy the bowl season to prevent us waisting time on the merits of their season.

Scott Boras' Parents - Can't believe two loving people came together to create such an unfortunate scar on humanity. Honorable mention goes to the parents of: Tim McCarver

The Morning Wood - 11/28/2006

Stud: Joseph Addai
Shaun Alexander did have an amazing night with 201 yards, but he didn’t single-handedly win a fantasy football match up for me! Yosef ran for 171 and 4 touchdowns on Sunday night, hopefully eliminating the platoon that T.Dung was working with Domenick “Hit the” Rhodes. An added bonus is that Addai looks as if he is as old as Carl Winslow.

Dud: Mike Vanderjagt & Jake Plummer
White people suck! Vanderjagt successfully lost his touch in a playoff game against Pittsburgh, his mind in the offseason, and his job midway through the season. My bet is that Tony Romo will just start kicking field goals as well because everyone knows he can do anything he puts his mind to. Jake Plummer’s season last year was a lot like a George W. Bush press conference: if you don’t ask him to do too much, he might look okay. If Georgie is able to stick to nodding his head and waving and Snakey is allowed to hand off 35 times a game and occasionally roll out and hit a tight end or something, you almost start to feel comfortable having them in charge. But you always know deep down inside, if someone starts discussing nuclear warfare or Iraq or if the running game isn’t working and the team falls behind 14-0 early, the true essence of the loser will return. Now Jake has lost his job to rookie Jay Cutler and this is going to be a high gain/loss move by Coach Mike Shanahan. I can’t see it working out for the Broncos this year and I can’t see it working out for the viewing public either. Where are we going to get to see that ridiculous picture of a mustachioed Jake Plummer now?

Talk Around the Cooler:
It seems like it is almost inevitable that Manny Ramirez is done as a Boston Red Sock and personally, I’m sad. I’m pissed, I’m angry, and I’m worried. I know Manny could be a handful and that he has requested a trade out of Boston every offseason (he was probably requesting trades out of Boston when he was still with Cleveland) and that it has been said that he quit on the team last year. I also know that he was as close as you could possibly get to a guaranteed of .300, 40 HRs, and 125 RBIs from a right hand hitter this side of Albert Pujols. I never once saw Manny as the type of TO-like malcontent whose antics would destroy a team. Sure, he drove Theo, Terry, and Larry Lucchino crazy but did his actions hurt the other players? I don’t think so. I’ll miss him for his offensive production, his adventures in left, but also for the overall circus atmosphere that seemed to constantly revolve around him, from wearing a hat with a radio attached to it during a game to taking a piss break in the green monster. We’ll miss you Manny.

Quick Hits:
Another thing that will never happen again: me believing that you’ll ever become an effective passer in the NFL. Imagine what he would have been paid if his ERA was under five last year. Everyone here should just calm down and remember that both teams are good enough to beat the Bruins. I think that this all revolves around hair envy.

The Morning Wood - 11/22/2006

Stud: Justin Morneau
Just in case you didn’t notice, Justin Morneau won the AL MVP yesterday and I have to tell you, my penis is soft. He definitely had a solid year (.321, 34 HRs, 130 RBIs) but MVP? Yeah? I can’t remember once saying “oh shit, I wish the Red Sox still had Mike Myers, here comes Morneau”. I’d also like to mention that this guy really dicked me over in 2005 when I thought he was going to be my late round sleeper at 1st and then he decided that ’06 was going to be his breakout year. Also, writers, what the fuck does “Justin Time” mean? It’s a really stupid play on his name, so feel free to just shut up instead. No Justin Case, Justin Time, Justified, none of that, it’s been done. The two MVPs were paid a combined $700,000 last year. Derek Jeter spends more than that just for in-season black market abortions. No good? Half black market abortions?

Dud: Antonio Bryant
Here’s an idea asshole, or maybe several suggestions. If you’re going to be drinking heavily, rent a cab or get one of your militant Muslim friends to drive you around. But if you’re going to drink and drive, how about keeping it to the speed limit instead of over 100 mph? And definitely don’t don’t DON’T bring the Lamborghini out man. Are football players morons? Did I really even need to just ask that question? When is this guy getting traded to the Bengals? You mean this wasn’t discussed in that infamous 49ers training video? You warn the players about loose women and not about driving a Lamborghini over 100 miles per hour while intoxicated? Schmucks.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Oh, I’m Tiger Woods, I’m tired from playing golf all year, I’m going to skip the Players Championship. Okay fine, I thought it was a little bit ridiculous for a person that seems to appreciate the tradition of the game as well as the competition but a man’s got to get his rest in. But now it seems like this fucker is playing every weekend at places like the “Greater Belarus Invitiational” and the “Tehran Open”. Shit, it seems like he’s playing two tournaments a week. So what’s the story? You’re million dollar plus appearance fees make you a little less tired? Make you kind of ignore the jet lag? You sicken me. I’m angry this morning.

Quick Hits:
“Oh yay, now I can buy some puberty”. The Packers signed Todd Bouman yesterday because Aaron Rodgers is done for the year, breaking his foot by stepping in one of those pot holes left on the field by a Brett Favre bounce pass. I would rather have Todd Bouman as my starting QB if I was the Packers. Just like the White Sox 2005 World Series victory, there is no proof that Juan Uribe had anything to do with a shooting that took place in the Dominican.

The Morning Wood - 11/21/2006

Stud: Steve Nash
The tight-cropped Nash hit a game-winning trey at the end of regulation to propel the Suns to victory at Golden State, 113-110. A huge shot in the context of the game, but even bigger when you consider that it kept the Suns from falling to 3-7 on the year to an improving-but-still-mediocre Warriors squad. This went along w/the Canucks 19 points on 8-14 shooting and 15 assists. Talk about efficiency, eh? We'll overlook the fact that he let Monta Ellis drop 31 on him. That's just the French side of his Canadian ancestry shining through. When reached for comment about his fellow teammate's outstanding performance, Boris Diaw was quoted with a muffled "mmaaaagh" through a mouthful of steak-frites.

Dud: Nate Robsinson
Oh snap, yo! Nate Robinson blocked Yao Ming last night! Frankly, this does nothing for me. Yao didn't even really jump, not that he can, and I'm pretty sure he got hacked. Yes, the 5'9" sprite's jumping ability is impressive, but it's not going to make up for that incredible .89:1 assist-to-turnover ratio. That's horrendous. Oh, and he played 23 minutes last night without scoring a point, a statistic usually reserved for another leaping superstar, Brian Scalabrine. And Nate, I'm still pissed off about that half-hour dunk contest bullshit. If I had my way, you would spend the rest of your existence in basketball purgatory with the Birdman after that fiasco.

Talk Around the Cooler:
So Ryan Howard won the NL MVP award yesterday, beating out Albert Pujols by 41 points. I'm assuming there's going to be a lot of opinion pieces written about how this was shit, that Pujols only struck out 50 times to Howard's 181, had a better batting average, gold glove, etc. I don't want to hear any of it. They're both deserving of the award, and when you look at Howard's gawdy second half numbers that he threw up there when the Phillies needed him most (.355, 30, 78), it's definitely a legitimate vote. There shouldn't be any comparison to the Barkley over Jordan, Nash over Shaq votes, where a league so clearly dominated by one player chose to go in a different direction for the sake of variety. Howard deserves the award, and that's that.

Quick Hits:
Bronson Arroyo made one MVP ballot. That writer should have his writing/thinking/living privelages taken away. What qualifies as "news" these days? I like this move a lot. It's like they resigned Kenny Lofton, only to triple the money. Shrewd move, DiPodesta. The Jazz are 10-1 and the residents of Utah are so happy that they're celebrating by not drinking and having dull sex.

The Morning Wood - 11/16/2006

Stud: Joe Girardi and Jim Leyland
You know…managers of the year? We can only assume this would have been Jim Leyland’s frame of mind had he not won the award. And in the most ass backward situations in a long time, the other award winner won’t be setting foot in a dugout this upcoming season. Goes to show the Marlins are great evaluators of talent. Egotistical owners are some of the most intolerable people ever. And then there's Tim McCarver.

Dud: Kansas
They lost to Oral Roberts, which also happens to be the very apt nickname for Dukie, Josh McRoberts given his sexual exploits on campus we’ve been told. When a school calls a victory following its 2nd game of the REGULAR SEASON one of the biggest regular season wins “in school history” that’s not a lot of good history we’re talking about. And most likely, it’s forgettable history. Kudos to Bill Self – you’ve been able to accomplish shit at Kansas except for setting expectations high and under-delivering.

Talk Around The Cooler:
OJ Simpson. One word – genius. What better way to make light of a crime that you committed than detail other ways you would have committed the crime? Some people say that with the revelation that OJ’s penned a book about an alternative homicide in addition to the news that FOX (surprise, surprise) will air two separate hour-long interviews with the Hall of Famer turned actor turned philanderer, turned murderer signals the downfall of this company. I’d beg to differ.

Refusing to be outdone by his NFL counterparts, the Jail Blazers’ Zach Randolph has decided to put in a bid for Sexual Assault Charge of the Year (Sports category). Either you grow up as an idiot and money/responsibility helps you mend your ways or you’re named Zach Randolph, Ron Artest or Stephen Jackson.

Quick Hits:
Following in the footsteps of another great O.J., O.J. Mayo will be attending USC. I for one can’t wait to see who he murders about 15 years from now…pass me the popcorn. Kenyon Martin – meet Grant Hill – he is your future. A-Rod is a bitch. No, he really is.

The Morning Wood - 11/14/2006

Stud: Steve Smith
This pint sized pass catcher was once again the offensive star for the Panthers last night, receiving for 149 yards and a TD against Tiki Barber’s brother. The Panthers move to 5-4, putting them only a game behind the overachieving New Orleans Saints. I think they’re turning into one of those teams that could win out and scare the poo out of everyone in the playoffs. Either that or they’ll somehow drop five straights games to the Raiders. Anything could happen when Jake Delhomme is getting his Creole on.

Dud: Jon "I'm five foot three of wicked F'ing tough" Gruden
I was at least willing to ignore your stupid little “someone stole my juice box and it’s really ruining my nap time” scowl that you rock from the kick off to the last whistle when your team was somewhat good. But they suck now, and I’ve had enough Gruden. You want to know what scares me more than that scowl? Babies, Kleenex, those dogs with all those wrinkles, grandmothers. I’m beginning to doubt that you even won a Super Bowl. Go screw yourself.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Two dudes that look like they have hit spas more than they’ve been hit are going to finally face off. Oscar “Of the” Hoya (feminine) and “Pretty Boy” Floyd Mayweather will square off in May 2007. There are some interesting side plots to this fight. Mayweather’s estranged father is De La Hoya’s manager. Mayweather has claimed that he will retire after his next fight and De La Hoya has also been considering walking away. Then of course there’s the battle if the nickname Golden Boy is more or less gay than Pretty Boy. Start reserving your seats now!

Quick Hits...
Baseball sources have stated that the Red Sox dropped $42 million to get the chance to sign Daisuke Matsuzaka. You think that is pretty large money but the truth is that the Red Sox have been offering $42 million to any person who would make Matt Clement “disappear” since May. With the Redskins choking on it, Mark Brunell will be benched in favor of first round draft pick Jason Campbell. This will of course give him more time to bitch about Medicaid, the government, the weather, hip hop, and Mexicans. Wait, that might be my grandmother. Joe Girardi, you just inspired a group of inexperienced rookies to play well over their heads, which will almost definitely win you the NL Manager of the Year award. What do you want to do next? Be a broadcaster for Yankees games on the YES network. Really? Hmm. Well, good luck carrying Susan Waldman’s bags/strap-on.

The Morning Wood - 11/13/2006

Stud: Houston Dynamo
On a day filled with weird-ass NFL games, some of which made me happy (Jets over Pats), some of which made me sad (the Giants' second half implosion), I think that your MLS Cup champion Houston Dynamo deserves some lime, especially given that the story is probably buried on page 13 even at the Houston Chronicle, behind the daily Bonzi Wells police blotter. This merry group of footballers equalized after trailing in overtime against the New England Revolution, then went on to win in a shootout. It's good to see that the MLS has lasted this long on the continued support of illegal immigrants.

Dud: MLB teams' decision-making
Some really horrific moves were made over the weekend, which marked the beginning of free-agent signing season. First off, the Orioles chose to "secure" their "pitching staff" by trading for Jaret Wright, the Yankees right-handed "pitcher." While the Yanks will eat $3 million of his contract, Jaret plans on eating $3 million worth of crabcakes, which will surely add to his already formidable amount of facefat. Not to be outdone in the shitty-moves department, the Mets resigned Jose Valentin, ye of limited range and poor plate-discipline. At least he's only 37-years-old. Finally, the Cubs decided to continue their winning tradition by resigning two of their players, Aramis Ramirez and Kerry Wood. While the Ramirez move is probably pretty solid, even if they slightly overpaid, it's about time to either teach Wood to throw left-handed or let him go.

Talk Around the Cooler:
How about the Bengals/Chargers game? 1000 yards in total offense? Fairly unreal. Also unreal is how Philip Rivers has stepped into that starting role and been a success right from the beginning. Maybe the bolts learned there lesson from previous experience. Wha happen??!!! The game included amazing performances by LT and Ocho Cinco, while Ocho Quatro was the victim of one of the dirtiest hits I've ever witnessed, which should land Marlon McCree an enormous fine and possible suspension.

Quick Hits...
James Blake took down Rafael Nadal at the ATP Masters Cup in Shanghai. The real winner here, however, were the Asian ladies looking for a sweet gunshow. Butch Davis will be coaching the UNC football team next year. In a related story, an emergency vote yesterday in Chapel Hill passed a measure to increase the local police force by 50%. The Redskins apparently trust a man named "Bubba" to handle their medical needs.

The Morning Wood - 11/10/2006

Stud: Rutgers Football
You have to hand it to these guys: where did they come from? The Scarlet Knights are now 9-0 after scoring 21 unanswered points on #3 ranked Louisville. Not to look over their next two games, but the final game vs. Big East rival West Virginia on the road seems to be the only thing standing between them and a perfect season. Now all the major networks get to make references to “Scarlet Fever” and what not. Bullshit. You know they’re not even going to mention that it is an exotoxin-mediated disease caused by Group A streptococcal infection. Ridiculous.

Dud: JD Drew
Scott Boras is a bit of a douche bag. It kind of blows my mind that Drew is opting out of a contract that is guaranteed to pay him $33 million dollars the next three years after having one solid season for the Dodgers. He’s had two years in his career where he’s topped 140 games. He gets his first 100 RBI season and now he’s somebody? I personally am rooting that there is no market out there for him and he ends up signing for less money. Don’t worry though, he’ll sign with the Red Sox somehow and I’ll have to eat all these words with a horseshit reduction in the next two months.

Talk Around the Cooler:
I have been silent about this for quite some time because I figured that a lot of the complaining about the new ball in the NBA just had to do with the fact that 75% of the league are still children emotionally but I can’t keep silent any more. I must speak out! You want to know why? Because I have had back to back days where a player on my fantasy team tossed up double digit turnovers. Stern, you are killing me man. And no, I don’t appreciate the jokes about “that’s an unusual double double”. I demand that we switch back. Screw the cows! No no, not like that West Virginia.

Quick Hits...
Craig Biggio will return to the Astros and needs only 70 hits to reach the magical 3,000 plateau, all but assuring him a spot in Cooperstown, even though his career average will be less than 100 hits per season. Plaxico Burress called the Chicago Bears CBs “very beatable”. In a related story, Brett Myers’ wife. Doc Gooden was released from a Florida Prison yesterday. Hmm, how do I put this? I would keep getting your fan mail forwarded there Doc. I have a feeling you might be back at some point.

The Morning Wood - 11/09/2006

Stud: Bud Black
What do you get if you turn John Lackey into an actual fantasy stud? A managing job, that’s what! Bud Black benefits from Bruce Bochy’s blunder, grabbing the Whale’s Vagina job. Question: do managing candidates submit resumes? Does Bud Black have something that says:
2005
Coached Jarrod Washburn so well that the Mariners actually gave him a 4 year contract for $37.5 million dollars. Seriously.

Kept Bartolo Colon under 300 pounds for the first month of the season.

Showed ability to coach without conflict by allowing Francisco Rodriguez, Kelvim Escobar, and Brendan Donnelly to wear those goggles even though they looked like such douche bags.

Anyway, congrats Bud.

Dud: Fabricio Oberto
22 points. 10 rebounds. Still my dud. Yeah, that’s right. This guy has officially become my least favorite NBA player (Newble, you’re starting to move out of my top five). His game is disgusting, he looks like an ogre, and he plays for the Spurs, who are the biggest collection of unemotional homos since Congress/Backstreet Boys. So average a double double this year, see if I care. I’m still going to hate you.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Evander Holyfield is contemplating a return to the boxing ring at 44 years old. I am hoping that no one allows him to get licensed in a state to do this. Hang it up! You had a solid run but at this point, there are people in the local cemetery with more brain activity. I could knock you out at this point. Don’t make me.

There is now a fourth investigation into Pat Tillman’s death in Afghanistan and it does not paint a pretty picture of what happened that day. It’s tough to say who is to blame as it seems that there were several Rangers that fired at Tillman, thinking he was an enemy. I do know that the U.S. Military and Government are to blame for the inexcusable cover up that has caused unceasing pain for the Tillman family. In the end Pat Tillman’s unselfishness in joining the Rangers is clouded over by the selfishness of the U.S. leaders’ lies.

Quick Hits...
Larry Brown’s settlement with the Knicks was supposedly 18.5 million dollars. I don’t get it: I’m a stubborn prick too, where’s my money? The bids are in for Daisuke Matsuzaka and an announcement of which team won his rights could come as early as Friday. The first order of business for that team should be to get this guy a nickname: I can’t take typing his name out any longer. Jeff Gordon just married a Belgian model who reportedly used to date Brady Anderson. Man, that’s got to be tougher for Jeff than some guy stepping up to a microphone on a Berlin stage after this guy performed. This sentence couldn’t be any more gay.

The Morning Wood - 11/08/2006

Stud: Heath Shuler
The 34-year-old former NFL quarterback (a term used ever so loosely) upset eight-term Republican incumbent Chuck Taylor in North Carolina's 11th Congressional district. Talk about an interception (snarf). His platform included what he referred to as "mountain values," which apparently include an anti-abortion stance, anti-gay marriage, gun rights, a change in Iraq policy and a career 15/33 TD/INT ratio. I don't know about you, but I think that a man with a 49.2% completion rate should not be legislating who can and cannot unite in marriage. I'm guessing the people of North Carolina suffered through some inexcusable football analogies over the course of the campaign. After leading the Redskins to 3-13 and 6-10 seasons, he'll surely be able to succeed in Washington this time around. On a serious note, we do like Heath's pro-environment stance.

Dud: Lynn Swann
Given today's stud/dud combo, it seems that NFL and political success are inversely proportional. Swann was smoked in his bid to become governor of Pennsylvania. So they'll let him win their state a Super Bowl but won't elect him to their state's executive branch? Bullshit. What, are his qualifications as Chairman of the US Presiden't Council on Physical Fitness and Sports not good enough for you Pennsylvanians? He's also a director on the boards of the Heinz Co. and Wyndham International, meaning he knows his ketchup and his hospitality. Combine those two and you've got a freakin' party! But no, the Pennsylvanians chose political experience over high-sodium tomato products and over-chlorinated pools. Your loss, keystone state.

Talk Around the Cooler:
In other sports/political news, Sacramentonians (not a word) rejected a tax increase that would have funded a new arena for their beloved Kings. Instead, they're satisfied with this center of urban excitment. Ron Artest has threatened the entire city.

Quick Hits...
I'm convinced that this has something to do with karma. 79-year-olds don't remain in hospitals as a precaution; they remain in hospitals b/c they're 79-year-olds. You can't tell me that Wise wouldn't disapprove of this complaining. Least exciting quarterback controversy ever.

The Morning Wood - 11/07/2006

Stud(s): Utah Jazz
This ecclectic group of ballers went to 4-0 with a hard-fought victory over the formidable Detroit Pistons last night. This was a fantastic, fantastic game. How do I know? Because the free preview of NBA League Pass has temporarily ruined my life. Very tough not to watch these games. Anyway, this contest was full of great offense vs. even better defense, right down to the final play where Mehmet Okur swatted a streaking Richard Hamilton layup. Really exciting stuff, and Rasheed only picked up one technical, which is nice. The Jazz seem to have a nice, balanced offense with lots of off-the-ball movement that is giving teams a lot of trouble. Watch them the next time they're on national TV, which will probably be never.

Dud(s): The Raiders' Offensive Line/Andrew Walter
I couldn't even bring myself to watch any of this game after midway through the second quarter. I'm not sure whether it was the sieve of an offensive line that the black+sliver were trotting out there, or Andrew Walter doing his best Drew Bledsoe impression, but combine those two and you get a sloppy-ass football game. I'm pretty sure they sacked him three times in a row at one point. This isn't to say that their defense is any less to blame. Who lets the most anemic rushing offense in the league scramble for 200+ yards? Martin Grammatica might be able to lay a pancake block on Warren Sapp these days. I never thought this could be possible, but I feel bad for Randy Moss.

Talk Around the Cooler:
I'm not sure why we're doing this, but because we are, I don't want to hear any of the participants complaining about fatigue next fall. If guys like Mike Myers and Brian Schneider are on the team, everyone clearly volunteered, so they've lost all whining privelages. Also, there's a team in Japan called the Nippon Ham Fighters, which is funny in many ways, but would be funnier if they employed Gabe Kapler.

Quick Hits...
It's election day, so get out there and vote. And make sure you're informed, because we know what sort of tragedy can happen otherwise. This list is seriously a joke, and managers need to be held accoutable. Omar Vizquel hasn't made a play in the hole since 1998. Ben Gordon dropped 37, fueled by my lavish praise of his game. If they're looking for an answer, I'm guessing that this isn't it, although I think I know what is. After all, fathering illegitamite children gets old after a while.

The Morning Wood - 11/06/2006

Stud: Florida Gators
No, not the football team (although they did clinch a berth in the SEC Championship game following a win this weekend). But the Gator basketball team featuring the player you love to hate, Joachim Noah. College basketball's 1st AP poll was released this week with the former champs (returning all 5 starters) ranked #1. In completely unrelated news, just want to say fuck Duke.

Dud: Pittsburgh Steelers
And you can't blame this one solely on Roethlisberger (he did have 433 passing yards). You know those teams that manage to get your hopes up then manage to fuck things up at the most inopportune time? That team is your 2006 Pittsburgh Steelers. Hines Ward's fumble at the goal line yesterday was emblematic of the Steelers season, as were Santonio Holmes' two fumbles, as were Roethlisberger's three interceptions, as were...

Talk Around The Cooler:
Old Man River broke his leg during PSU's football game against Wisconsin on Saturday. Me being in the spiteful mood that I'm in today, I can't help but hope that would be the last ever memory of Paterno on the sideline. Unfortunately, he won't deny himself the boners he gets seeing young men prance all over the field; he's slated to be back on the sidelines sooner than later.

Yesterday proved that "parity" in the NFL does not exist. What does exist is a collection of average and bad teams competing against each other. In a quick recap of yesterday's games, T.O. is again under a suicide watch after dropping a fucking gift from the Romobanger himself. Tom Brady threw four interceptions last night but the media will make excuses for him - I mean, he is the best quarterback to ever play the sport. The Ravens defense looks as good as it did en route to their Super Bowl XXXV victory. Yeah, I said it.

Despite having only one testicle, Lance Armstrong managed to complete the NYC Marathon. Talk about a huge accomplishment while being a man down.

Quick Hits:
Hopefully War Emblem will be an inspiration to other gay athletes. The Rangers selected a new manager today, I wonder how long it'll take getting used to not having a pitching staff. YES - equal opportunity ogling!

NBA Preview: Chicago Bulls

Now Anderson, you're sure you don't feel that lump?

Changes:
Jim/Jon Paxson made a few key moves in the off-season to strengthen what was already the NBA's most intimidating defense, the most notable of which was signing Big Ben Wallace. The Frightening One should be a significant upgrade from oh ye of unrealized potential, Tyson Chandler. They also picked up P.J. Brown, who, after looking at his career numbers, must take some sort of anti-aging, mediocrity-sustaining pill. I really like both of their draft selections: Tyrus Thomas and Thabo Sefolosha. Thomas is going to give them 20 stat-filled, high-energy minutes a night, whereas the Swiss-born Sefolosha should give them 15 precisely-timed, chocolate-filled, highly-neutral minutes a game. Both are long and athletic, whatever that means, and should fit right into the Bulls' scheme.

Style of Play:
I'd say it's very akin to the Chicago Bears gameplan: play insanely good, smash-mouth defense that you depend on to produce most of your offense. Brian Urlacher? Ben Wallace. Rex Grossman? Kirk Hinrich. Thomas Jones? Ben Gordon. Some fat offensive lineman? Mike Sweetney. Eurotrash placekicker? Viktor Khryapa. Alright, that's enough. Analysts have been skeptical of how far the Bulls can go without a pure scorer, but I think that will turn out to be one of the strengths on the team. Gordon, Hinrich, Deng, and Nocioni are all capable of going for 20 on any given night, and no one has a big enough head to get upset if they don't get 15 shots in a certain game. They've got some great roll players in Brown, Chris Duhon and Adrian Griffin. Scott Skiles knows what he's doing, and should develop a solid very effective rotation with the deepest bench in the league.

Impact Player:
I drive real fast, call me Ben Gor-Donnn! The emotionless-faced killer is one of the few guys in the league that can seem to get his shot off how he wants, whenever he wants. People (re: assholes) have been saying that this team doesn't have someone that they can depend on late in close games, but Gordon is probably one of the 10 most clutch guys in the league, and his game is insanely fun to watch. Plus, he was born in London, which is cool. And he's got his own Nike shoe. I'm going to stop, as I think I'm developing some sort of mancrush on him.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
I'd like to do anything with Ben Wallace, mainly because it would give me free-reign to talk shit to whoever I chose. Our arrest would most likely be a direct result of that aforementioned quality, with me starting some sort of brawl just to see Ben clonk two guys' heads together, like Andre the Giant in The Princess Bride. What, you don't remember that? Piss off.

Prediction:
I'll get crazy here. Watch me. I like the Bulls for a solid 57-25, and a trip to the NBA Finals. Yeah, that's right. They're pretty much everything that MJ's Bulls weren't, but they have the talent and chemistry to get there.

The Morning Wood - 11/03/2006

Stud: Louisville Football
In a state and at a school where football is always second to mint juleps, Louisville's football team is making news. With last night's victory over Incest University, the Cardinals took a huge step forward in staking their claim to be the team to lose to OSU/Mich. Congrats on the future loss, guys.

Dud: Byron Leftwich
And he hasn't even done anything bad/wrong - except for not being able to be an effective quarterback. Jack Del Rio's seen what we've all been thinking - that Garrard provides the Jaguars with an opportunity to do a lot more on the offensive end. Leftwich is the slowest QB this side of Drew Bledsoe, which is sad to say - considering the significant difference in age between the two. Yes, Leftwich has heart but that can only get you so far. Ask this guy.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Who woulda thunk that a living, breathing bobblehead doll could possibly win a Gold Glove?

So, I'm kind of thinking this "no tolerance" rule in the NBA might have an impact - a very large impact in a very important game down the road - and the league/ref who makes the call will be lambasted for it while it was definitely the right decision by the Messiah. Bitching has become as much a part of watching an NBA game as dry, nappy hair has become a signature look of Rasheed Wallace. BRUSH YOUR FUCKING HAIR!

When you coach 4 high profile Olympians who've tested positive for steroids under your watch, there might be something fishy going on. To quote the venerable Terrell Owens:"If it walks like a duck and talks like it duck, it's Jeff Garcia."

Quick Hits:
If there's a Hall of Fame for this shit, there should an accompanying Hall of Fame for "Things That Shouldn't Exist." Bernie Kosar and "celebrity" need not be used in the same sentence. Spend time with your fucking FAMILY - honestly, home must be a living hell for this guy.

NBA Preview: New Jersey Nets

Jason Kidd enjoys a bubble bath with his wife, twin daughters and Kevin Mench.

Changes:
The Nets have four rookies joining their 06/07 squad: Marcus Williams, Josh Boone, Hassan Adams and Mile Ilic, who Nenad Krstic is in talks with about borrowing one of the "i"s from his last name. That's two Connecticut alums to be paired with a third, Cliff Robinson, who could have fathered one or both of the rooks while he was at UConn. I like the Marcus Williams pick almost as much as I hate the Josh Boone selection. Williams is going to turn out to be one of the top 5 players from that draft, and while I can see the need for an inside banger on this team, could anyone ever really take this mug seriously? Good thing you got rid of those goofy cornrows and replaced them with those goofy tendrils. They also signed gun-for-hire Eddie House, who will be joining his 7th team in 7 years (The Tony Massenberg Ratio) and should provide a nice shooting-, but not necessarily scoring-, punch off the bench. We here at SU have used our state-of-the-art imaging equipment to capture Lawrence Frank's future reactions to House's fadeaway 27 footers.

Style of Play:
With Jason Kidd, Vince Carter and Richard Jefferson, it's obviously a guard-heavy, run-and-gun team. Jefferson plays sort of like a '00 version of VC, whereas VC now plays like the wiley 29-year-old veteran that he is. Tough to get on him for it though, b/c he's still putting up solid all-around numbers. Kidd will push the ball at every opportunity, and Marcus Williams will ease his load so that Kidd can spend more time finding custom-fit hats for his son. The team lacks any sort of inside presence, though Krstic has a nice outside touch and should have a breakout season for a skilled Euro bigman (meaning 15 pts, 5.5 rbs a game, and 4.3 whiny looks to officials).

Impact Player:
Even at the age of 33, it's Jason Kidd. Everyone feeds off his energy, and he still sees the court better than anyone in the league. He should be able to impart some of his knowledge on the young Marcus Williams, who will store it on his new iBook that he got at a "crazy discount, yo."

Player you would most like to be arrested with and where:
I don't know about you, but I think behind that Stanford mouth, high waistline, pudgy body and bright smile lies a derranged Jason Collins. I could see the two of us enjoying a couple white wine spritzers and doing something crazy - run a red light, jaywalk, take the tags off some mattresses - who knows? The possibilities are endless.

Prediction:
I've got to say, with that backcourt, I think the Nets are going to be pretty tough this year, as long as they all stay relatively healthy. With the emergence of Krstic, along w/the addition of Marcus Williams, I see a 49-33 record, good for fourth seed in the East.

NBA Preview: Memphis Grizzlies

"I only came here to do two things: wear tight long-sleeved shirts with cartoon guys on the front and kick some ass and I bet you can tell which is one is left on my agenda"


Changes:
Bryant Reeves is not going to walk through this door! The Grizzlies once again made the playoffs (3 years in a row) and once again failed to win a game (3 years in a row). They traded away Shane Battier, one of those guys that does a little bit of everything (with ridges in his hair) and spun that into Rudy Gay and Stromile Swift. Ugh, Stromile Swift. In high school, Stromile was voted most likely to disappear for three quarters of a NBA game. And Most School Spirit. Rudy Gay has two options as far as I can tell: become this guy or become this guy. I don’t trust his work ethic or heart. Finally, patriotism is the pits! Pau Gasol, fresh off his finest season as a pro, broke his foot playing in the meaningless world championships (and I’m not just saying that because the U.S. team finished in a 3rd. It all becomes meaningless when an athlete seriously injures himself playing in his offseason) and he won’t be around until the beginning of 2007.

Style of Play:
The Grizzlies have a good mix of three point shooters (Mike Miller, Eddie Jones, Damon Stoudamire, Chucky Atkins) although none of them are truly scary. Pau’s spot will hopefully be filled by Hakim Warrick, who brings more athleticism but less Spaniardism and a less polished all around game. Stromile Swift, Dahntay Jones, and Warrick are all capable of taking your breathe away with their athleticism at times, and that time is usually once on the 2nd Tuesday of every month.

Impact Player:
The answer here would be Pau but he is out half the season so I will have to say Mike Miller, the reigning 6th man of the year. Miller has really refined his all around game and I’d have to say that some of that has to do with the fact that he no longer plays video games with Tracy McGrady for 7 hours a day. (Hell, maybe he does. Hell, who am I to call him out? In fact, I love it. I hope he does play video games with McGrady 7 hours a day. I hope they fishbowl their room, and eat massive amounts of Pizzeria Uno Pizza while drinking Yoohoo. Topless. With winter hats on). Anyway, he will definitely be a key for this team in the beginning of the season until the Spanish Fly returns.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
I’m going with my boy Jake Tsakalidis. Imagine him in a cop car. He’s 7’2”. We would be hanging out at Justin’s in Atlanta probably with the Dungeon Family (not limited to, but definitely including him, him, him, and him) and we’d all get a little bit too crunk on the purple stuff and tha pooolice would run…wait, what, I thought he was from Georgia. They’ve got one of those in Russia? Really? Umm, okay, we’d get arrested for cutting someone named Ivan in the bread line.

Prediction:
I think the loss of Battier and the Gasol-less period will stop them from reaching last year's win total. I see them getting hot down the stretch and finishing at 42-40, just out of the playoff picture in the Wild Wild West.

NBA Preview: New York Knicks

This is the look I give Cat when you know...it's time to uh... do what we do. Gets him every time.

Changes:
The Knicks made not one change this offseason that would benefit the team. And based on the handiwork of Zeke, we're absolutely positive he planned it that way. Additions include Shit Exhibit A, Shit exhibit B and then this first round steal, which elicited responses from middle school dropoust such as this. As seen with Golden State, it's the coaching change that's the big offseason questionmark. After trying to coach a group of completely uncoachable players, Larry Brown was relieved of his duties and in comes Isiah to right the ship. Which is to say - to let the inmates run the asylum. Should be fun to watch.

Style of Play:
I guess the best way to put it would be reckless abandon. Taking a quick inventory of the, roster we have: Cat Mobley's estranged lover, Lupe Fiasco, Q Richardson and Mr. Payless Shoes himself, Starbury. Oh and don't forget Nate "who gives a fuck if it took me 14 attempts to dunk" Robinson...wow, that was a hard nickname to get out. These are all shoot only guys. The oft-used phrase "pass-first" doesn't really apply - passing is not an option or consideration. This is the advent of 1 vs. 5 basketball, people - get ready for a serious dearth of ball movement on the offensive end. The Knicks big men include a guy with no heart - Eddy Curry, a young talent (not sarcasm) and Jared Jeffries who's out the next 6-8 weeks with a fractured wrist - pussy. Look for the Knicks to be aggressive on offense and pitiful on defense and in the rebounding category.

Impact Player:
In all honesty, no player on the Knicks (aside from Channing Frye) would likely have a positive impact on any other team in the league. That being said, Stephon Marbury is/should be this team's impact player. After all the back and forth between he and Larry Brown, one would think that he will "flourish" with a coach that will let him play the way he wants to - selfishly.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
Eddy Curry. The crime - assault and battery. We're having a good time at a bar when all of a sudden a fan comes over talking shit to curry about his heart problems. Out of nowhere Curry pulls out defibrillators and starts shocking people while yelling out, "who's got no heart now, motherfuckers!"

Prediction:
This team is hard to predict. Lots of "talent" at the guard positions but there are too many me-only players on this team for anything to work out too well. 35-47. A nice improvement, but not enough to save Zeke's job.

The Morning Wood - 11/02/2006

Stud: Red Auerbach
I would just like to show some more love for Red Auerbach, a man who is known by every basketball fan in the world but not fully understood. He was a man that understood that winning and team were the two most important things in sports, regardless of the color of player. Listening to his former players share their stories and admiration for the man, I can’t help but think about how the game has changed to a more selfish individualistic entity. Here’s to hoping that his name and legacy aren’t forgotten.

Dud: Rasheed Wallace
Umm, Rasheed, this could be a problem. After the NBA tossed a zero tolerance policy in for post whistle whining (and thank God, it was starting to get out of hand. Players were starting to look like 6 year olds that had missed their nap times), Wallace was the first victim of the quicker Ts, getting tossed midway through the third quarter of last night’s game. He didn’t score a point. Ouch.

Talk Around the Cooler:
So the big talk on the free agent baseball market is Daisuke Matsuzaka, the pitcher who led Japan to a WBC championship victory last spring. I honestly can’t blame the teams because the alternatives are these two, who should really not even be allowed to sign in the AL, this folk singer, and Jason Schmidt, who is good but not necessarily healthy. A blind bidding process will occur and teams will be tossing up to 50 million dollars (which will buy a lot of PS3s for the owner of the Seibu Lions. Who’s going to get him? The Mariners? The Yankees? Pardon me if I’m skeptical, but I’ve seen how tough it is to adjust to a different league.

Quick Hits...
Guillermo Mota was suspended 50 games for using performance enhancing drugs. I’m appalled by this, but not as appalled as I would have been if I had to watch him pitch all season long like he was throwing in May and June. The University of South Carolina will be limited to the amount of rooster crows they play during home games, according to the SEC. However, they will not limit the amount of times announcers call Steve Spurrier the “old ball coach” or “an offensive genius” despite what he did with the Redskins. Boise State moved to 9-0 last night, keeping their BCS hopes alive, as well as their hopes that someone East of the Mississippi might be able to name one player on their team.

NBA Preview: Milwaukee Bucks

Congratulations, Kobe Bryant. You have ruined my life.

Changes:
Management decided to go out and get a couple standup character guys in Ruben "The Human Police Blotter" Patterson and Charlie Villanueva, who should definitely be willing to defer to Michael Redd and Mo Williams. Along with Patterson, the Bucks also added two more former Blazers in Steve Blake and Brian Skinner, meaning they are employing the seldom-used strategy of signing guys from a terrible shitshow of a team to improve your own squad. They're currently in talks with Chris Dudley. Without a first round pick, they chose David Noel in the second round. I guess I like this pick?

Style of Play:
Well, let's take a look at their starting five: Mo Williams (shoot-first point guard), Michael Redd (shoot-first shooting guard), Ruben Patterson (shoot-anyone-that-looks-at-me-funny small forward), Charlie Villanueva (huge chucker of a power forward) and Andrew Bogut (pass-first, only because he can't shoot Australian center). For the love of Blue Edwards! Coming off the bench is Bobby Simmons, a one-dimensional jumpshooter. Oscar Robertson is rolling over in his grave, and I don't even think he's dead yet. Seriously, no one can rebound, Patterson is the only one that can D up, and I would be surprised if Charlie Newhouse even makes it over half-court for defensive sets.

Impact Player:
Fuck it, I'm going to say Charlie Bell. That's how horrific this team is. Michael Redd should be the choice here, but when you play 40 minutes a game and average 4.3 boards and 2.9 assists (career high) after getting a touch on basically every posession, you don't deserve it. He's 6'6" and he blocked 5 shots all season! Earl fucking Boykins had a higher blocks per game average. So I'm choosing Charlie Bell. Four years out of the league, and he put together some very nice performances towards the end of last year, including a triple double. He went to Europe and learned how to play basketball, which is something that everyone else on this team needs to do.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
Ruben Patterson, pretty much anywhere. He's probably on a first-name basis with the officers. For some reason, writing about this team is making me really angry.

Prediction:
I can't see this team winning 25 games. I just can't. Lynn Greer has made the roster as a 27-year-old rookie. I don't think he even started at Temple. Dan Gadzuric is still employed by a professional basketball team, and I'm fully convinced that he lacks the coordination to tie his own shoes. Steve Blake actually does it for him. Congratualtions Milwaukee, you might just have a shot at Greg Oden, who should turn Andrew Bogut into the serviceable backup that he is. 20-62.

The Morning Wood - 11/01/2006

Stud: Chicago Bulls
Wow. I mean, wow. I don't want to brag about my clairvoyant skills, or make snap judgements about a season after one game, but I'm about to do both - check out the Morning Wood from 07/05/2006, Talk Around the Cooler. Yeah, that's correct. Anyway, they looked freaking amazing last night: incredible interior defense, lots of pinpoint shooting, fantastic off-the-ball movement, and Tyrus Thomas looks like he's going to be an incredible sparkplug off their very deep bench. Even P.J. Brown appeared to have some life in him. With Kirk Hinrich's new contract, his midwest flava is going to be tough to contain. I look forward to watching this team win 55 games this year.

Dud: Miami Heat
I think that Miami's situation can be summed up in one statement: This guy got fifteen minutes of burn for our defending champions. They really need to straighten out their point guard situation, too, b/c as goofy as Quinn is, I feel confident in saying that he was clearly more effective that Gary Payton, who has gone from this to this. Antoine Walker, after shooting 28% in the preseason, opened up the year by going 0-6 from downtown. Only one player reached double figures. It literally made me nauseous, but not as much as their ring ceremony, where an announcer somehow made Michael Doleac and Jason Kapono sound like All-Stars. And I'm going on record as saying that Jalen Rose is anything but the answer to their problems.

Talk Around the Cooler:
In the evening's other contest, Phoenix looked like the class of the league in the first quarter, dropping 41 on the youthful Lakers, including 7 short-haired Steve Nash assists. After that, they employed the Jamal Crawford technique and let the Lakers shoot 55% from the floor en route to a 114-106 victory for LaLaLand. I was sort of impressed by LA, but it didn't help that Amare played 12 minutes and Boris Diaw went on an offseason all-fois gras diet. They could really use a legit big to make a few defensive stops, and if Amare doesn't progress as hoped, they could be in a little bit of trouble.

Remember when the soul-less wonder, Skip Bayless, trashed a 17-year-old Andrew Bynum about being a #1 pick, ridiculed his myspace page, and called him a "tragic clown?" Well, after that 18/9/5 night with some really beautiful moves, I just hope Skip doesn't hurt himself inserting his foot in his mouth.

Quick Hits...
You can't really tell from this picture, but Vlad Radmanovic's mullet is so amazing that I think he'll be getting a few shifts on the Kings' penalty killing unit. Seriously, there's no question that a blowdryer is involved. Please be on the lookout. I love the TNT studio crew, but they better not allow Magic Johnson to become a regular. He makes Tim McCarver look like a MENSA member. Omar Minaya must be drunk-dialing contract extension offers.