The Morning Wood - 11/22/2006

Stud: Justin Morneau
Just in case you didn’t notice, Justin Morneau won the AL MVP yesterday and I have to tell you, my penis is soft. He definitely had a solid year (.321, 34 HRs, 130 RBIs) but MVP? Yeah? I can’t remember once saying “oh shit, I wish the Red Sox still had Mike Myers, here comes Morneau”. I’d also like to mention that this guy really dicked me over in 2005 when I thought he was going to be my late round sleeper at 1st and then he decided that ’06 was going to be his breakout year. Also, writers, what the fuck does “Justin Time” mean? It’s a really stupid play on his name, so feel free to just shut up instead. No Justin Case, Justin Time, Justified, none of that, it’s been done. The two MVPs were paid a combined $700,000 last year. Derek Jeter spends more than that just for in-season black market abortions. No good? Half black market abortions?

Dud: Antonio Bryant
Here’s an idea asshole, or maybe several suggestions. If you’re going to be drinking heavily, rent a cab or get one of your militant Muslim friends to drive you around. But if you’re going to drink and drive, how about keeping it to the speed limit instead of over 100 mph? And definitely don’t don’t DON’T bring the Lamborghini out man. Are football players morons? Did I really even need to just ask that question? When is this guy getting traded to the Bengals? You mean this wasn’t discussed in that infamous 49ers training video? You warn the players about loose women and not about driving a Lamborghini over 100 miles per hour while intoxicated? Schmucks.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Oh, I’m Tiger Woods, I’m tired from playing golf all year, I’m going to skip the Players Championship. Okay fine, I thought it was a little bit ridiculous for a person that seems to appreciate the tradition of the game as well as the competition but a man’s got to get his rest in. But now it seems like this fucker is playing every weekend at places like the “Greater Belarus Invitiational” and the “Tehran Open”. Shit, it seems like he’s playing two tournaments a week. So what’s the story? You’re million dollar plus appearance fees make you a little less tired? Make you kind of ignore the jet lag? You sicken me. I’m angry this morning.

Quick Hits:
“Oh yay, now I can buy some puberty”. The Packers signed Todd Bouman yesterday because Aaron Rodgers is done for the year, breaking his foot by stepping in one of those pot holes left on the field by a Brett Favre bounce pass. I would rather have Todd Bouman as my starting QB if I was the Packers. Just like the White Sox 2005 World Series victory, there is no proof that Juan Uribe had anything to do with a shooting that took place in the Dominican.