NBA Preview: Milwaukee Bucks

Congratulations, Kobe Bryant. You have ruined my life.

Changes:
Management decided to go out and get a couple standup character guys in Ruben "The Human Police Blotter" Patterson and Charlie Villanueva, who should definitely be willing to defer to Michael Redd and Mo Williams. Along with Patterson, the Bucks also added two more former Blazers in Steve Blake and Brian Skinner, meaning they are employing the seldom-used strategy of signing guys from a terrible shitshow of a team to improve your own squad. They're currently in talks with Chris Dudley. Without a first round pick, they chose David Noel in the second round. I guess I like this pick?

Style of Play:
Well, let's take a look at their starting five: Mo Williams (shoot-first point guard), Michael Redd (shoot-first shooting guard), Ruben Patterson (shoot-anyone-that-looks-at-me-funny small forward), Charlie Villanueva (huge chucker of a power forward) and Andrew Bogut (pass-first, only because he can't shoot Australian center). For the love of Blue Edwards! Coming off the bench is Bobby Simmons, a one-dimensional jumpshooter. Oscar Robertson is rolling over in his grave, and I don't even think he's dead yet. Seriously, no one can rebound, Patterson is the only one that can D up, and I would be surprised if Charlie Newhouse even makes it over half-court for defensive sets.

Impact Player:
Fuck it, I'm going to say Charlie Bell. That's how horrific this team is. Michael Redd should be the choice here, but when you play 40 minutes a game and average 4.3 boards and 2.9 assists (career high) after getting a touch on basically every posession, you don't deserve it. He's 6'6" and he blocked 5 shots all season! Earl fucking Boykins had a higher blocks per game average. So I'm choosing Charlie Bell. Four years out of the league, and he put together some very nice performances towards the end of last year, including a triple double. He went to Europe and learned how to play basketball, which is something that everyone else on this team needs to do.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
Ruben Patterson, pretty much anywhere. He's probably on a first-name basis with the officers. For some reason, writing about this team is making me really angry.

Prediction:
I can't see this team winning 25 games. I just can't. Lynn Greer has made the roster as a 27-year-old rookie. I don't think he even started at Temple. Dan Gadzuric is still employed by a professional basketball team, and I'm fully convinced that he lacks the coordination to tie his own shoes. Steve Blake actually does it for him. Congratualtions Milwaukee, you might just have a shot at Greg Oden, who should turn Andrew Bogut into the serviceable backup that he is. 20-62.