The Morning Wood - 06/01/2006

Stud(s) :
Roger Clemens: Somehow everyone turns the other way as he holds the Astros hostage for a second straight year and they still agree to give him $3.7 million a month. Based on Dan Duquette's statements, this is the 10th season of the twilight of his career.

Brandon Webb: Runs his scoreless streak to 25 innings against the Mets although catches the dreaded No Decision. This is the longest scoreless streak since this swinger .

Dud(s):
Debbie Clemens: With a body like this, we would assume you could keep your man at home. Now that he has unretired for the third time, we're starting to worry about you. Damn, maybe you just need to start moving a little more in bed, I don't know, something besides missionary.

Jason Kendall: Congrats on hitting your first home run since July 27th, 2004. 961 At Bats. Wow.

Talk Around the Cooler...
GM Allard Baird has been fired by the Royals. He plans on spending his time off by not watching awful baseball played by over-the-hill veterans.

Doc Gooden has said that he would rather "get shot" than return to jail. I think he fails to mention the likely scenario: that he will get shot and thrown back in jail.

Dirk and L'il Steve fight the urge to kiss each other on court as the Mavs and Suns meet for Game 5 tonight.

Quick Hits...
Chad Pennington is working his way back to throwing like a girl and the Jets are excited: http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2464296

Wayne Gretzky is back for five more years. She bet the over of 6 years.

The Morning Wood - 05/31/2006

Stud(s) :
Vernon Wells: 3-4, 3 HR's, 4R's, 1BB and 10 groupies last night. He's simply that damn good no need to criticize him

Corey Patterson: His two homeruns last night were all well and good, but his homer-stealing catch was the coup du grace.

Dud:
Andy Roddick: Just because you weren't the first to boink Mandy Moore and this guy was doesn't mean you can pack it in (shout out to all the contestants on the god awful "Yo Momma!"). Roddick retired in the first round of the French Open with an ankle injury. He's won zero majors since he and Mandy Moore broke up. Mandy's racquet "head game" must be unbelievable.

Talk Around the Cooler...
Roger Clemens comes to an agreement with the Astros. Or is that not the case? Clemens' Brett Favre impersonation has gone on way too long. The rampant rebuttals of his signing with the Astros are only indication that he already has.

Miami Heat vs. Detroit Pistons: There's nothing like watching a mutiny in progress.

Barry Bonds has feelings: He's only human, guys. A SUPER-human, that is...bet you all didn't know that when he cries, those aren't tears, it's actually the clear seeping through his pores.

Quick Hits...
Soccer players need love too. You can get all kinds of things on eBay. She's my "bullpen catcher, gosh! Please don't tell, my wife."

One more thing...I can't stand it when every player that has the most minor of injuries plays during the playoffs and is inevitably compared to Willis Reed. Hyperbole is getting out of control these days. I say that excluding commentators such as Bill Walton who's had the commentating game on lock for years. Respeck...booyakashaa!!!

Remember Me...

Who: Harold "Baby Jordan" Miner

Best Known For: Showing up only during Slam Dunk contests, the first person annointed as the "next Jordan" and ridiculous hype with minimal talent.

Where is he now?

• Dunking on 8-10 year olds on an 8' foot court in southern California (and loving it)
• Wearing a custom-made Harold "The Real Jordan" Miner jersey everywhere in public
• Crying in disbelief whenever he sees the number "23"

Harold Miner + Talent equals = Jason Richardson

On Tap For Tuesday...

Watch Mark Cuban, act like a spoiled five year old girl...again. Dallas Maverics vs. Phoenix Suns - TNT, 9:00PM ET

Players will look to take lessons from Aaron Boone's Monday acrobatics and try not to use their heads as pogo sticks. White Sox vs. Indians - ESPN, 7PM ET

Does anybody really watch the WNBA? Apparently the ESPN network of channels believes so. I make jokes, but they're beating the NHL in ratings. And yes, that's sad. New York Liberty vs. Indiana Fever - ESPN2, 7PM ET

For those that do actually care about the NHL. Carolina Hurricanes vs. Buffalo Sabres - OLN, 7:30PM ET.

A couple other notes...

If I'm Gilbert Arenas, there's no f*cking chance in hell I'm going to get arrested helping this guy out.

Another gem from Keith Hernandez: "You know, I never cared about my fielding percentage. The guys with the highest fielding percentage were the guys with no range...or didn't take any chances. Errors never bothered me. It's was always about assists for me as a first baseman...becauses put-outs are easy. I'm catching a throw from an infielder." (Mets broadcast vs. Arizona Diamondbacks, 5/29/06) - he definitely should have been on my list of top commentators.

Do we all remember Arthur Agee, one of the subjects of the 1994 documentary Hoop Dreams? What I saw at the end of that seminal work was an exploited urban youth whose future appeared bleak. He was attending a junior college, unsure of what to study, yet still clinging to the hope that professional basketball would be in his future. I feared for young Arthur, who was abused by an unfair system. Would his hoop dreams turn to nightmares?

Casually strolling around the interweb a few days ago, all of those fears were put to rest. Yes, my friend, it is true: he has ascended to the pinnacle of athletic achievement. As a member of the Rumble - who are apparently so good, they don't even need a city - he has achieved everything a former basketball prodigy could ever want. Now, you're probably saying to yourself, "Do you mean the same Rumble that won the 2003 Slamball Championship?" Yes, my friends, yes. While it doesn't appear that he has cracked the starting lineup, I like to think that one day, with hard-work, dedication and lots of trampoline time, he'll strap on his helmet and various elbow and knee pads and be on the court for the opening bounce off. Besides, who would expect Arthur to compete w/the likes of legends such as Jelani Janisse and the formidable Dion Mays at this point in his career? What's important is the he has fulfilled the dreams of all young athletes in America: being paid minimum wage to play a madeup sport enjoyed by ten, maybe twelve people around the world. Yes Arthur, your hoop dream has been realized.

Hittin' the Links. Let's play 9...

-Sounds like if Redknapp gets his wish, he's going to wake up very sore.

-Eddie Sutton's brief career as NASCAR official ends.

-Something tells me that this guy can use his pecker as a kickstand.

-I'm not going to lie: sometimes it's hard being a heterosexual.

-Looking in my crystal ball, I think in a year's time, we'll have a third roommate for God Shammgod and Victor Page. They'll be splitting a studio.

-Make it drop, Dick, make it drop.

-I'm glad that Matt Bonner and Raefer Alston are hanging out during the offseason.

-High five! Tim-ay!

-I have a feeling there's not going to be much crowding of the plate. No more pregame oysters.

A Day with Matt Clement
We attempted to contact the Red Sox in an attempt to get an interview with one of their starting pitchers but unfortunately, Curt Schilling was at Pro Iraq war rallies, Josh Beckett was busy not shaving, Tim Wakefield was doing "charity work", David Wells was getting back into pitching form by grazing on the postgame spread, and Lenny Dinardo didn't qualify as a pitcher. So it left us with Matt Clement, a subject who was more than willing to spend time with us. In fact, he called us and asked us if we wanted to hang out. Anyway, here is what transpired.

We pick Matt up at his back bay penthouse (address undisclosed due to the admirers err homocidal enemies) and since it was around lunch time, we decided to head in to Boston and get a burrito at Anna's Taqueria. Matt was edgy as he ordered his burrito, stressing that he has an allergy to dairy products like cheese and sour cream and that beans "hurt his flexibility". Somehow we ended up footing the bill, which was fine except Matt decided to go with a large soda instead of just getting a cup for water. He got Diet Sprite.
Sports Untertainment: So Matt, I can't help but notice you went with Diet Sprite for your drink of choice.
Matt: Yeah, caffeine tends to make me jittery. And did you realize how many calories were in pop?
SU: Pop?
MC: Soda pop.
SU: Right. Umm, yes there are a lot of calories. So it seems like you have had an inconsistent start to the season. Any thoughts?
MC: Wow, right into the tough questions. (Matt laughs slightly) I think that I have been inconsistent so far this year.
SU: Right, would you be willing to explain why?
MC: It seems like some days I have it and some days I don't.
SU: Okay, several journalists have questioned your mental make up this year and have said that you will always struggle to perform in a city like Boston.
MC: I don't think that's really true. Chicago was a big city like this and I performed...(a piece of chicken falls out of Matt's burrito and leaves a streak on his designer silk buttondown) ...I...I...performed...
SU: Are you okay?
MC: Fine! Where are the napkins?!?!? (Starts to sniffle). Napkins?!?! Help me!!
SU: There are some paper towels in the bathroom.
MC: Fine! Big help you are!! (Matt runs off into the bathroom and his sobbing echos throughout the Taqueria).

After we manage to get Matt under control, we deliver him at Fenway Park, where he is scheduled to start. He invites us in to the clubhouse, an opportunity that we could not turn down.

MC: So here is the clubhouse
SU: Wow, look at the size of that TV.
MC: Yeah, we play alot of PS2 on there. Let's see if Mirabelli will let us jump in on a game.
Clement walks over to where Doug Mirabelli seems to be playing SoCom II online
Doug: Take that again Bard! That's what you get for trying to take Wake away from me. Jester M@THERF*CKER!
MC: Hey Belli
Doug: F@ck Clementine, didn't I tell you not to call me that?
MC: But you call me Clementine.
Doug: That's because you are one.
MC: Whatever, can I jump in on a game?
Doug: I don't think so. You suck.
MC: Fine!
Doug: Don't start with this sniffling sh*t again Clemmy. You know what I was doing at your age?
MC: No (barely audible)
Doug: Well that was in '01, when the Sox gave me up to the Rangers. I was so pissed, I killed a man. I don't know some migrant worker, I just punched him to death. Buried his body in the desert.
MC: Umm.
Doug: My point is, stop being such a p*ssy, sack up and go iron your skirt
MC: Fine!
Manny Ramirez: Eee got you, girlie mayn
MC: Leave me alone! (Matt runs off into the shower)
SU: Did you really kill a man?
Doug: Who the f@ck are you? Got you again Bard, you pass-balling son of a bitch!!!

Matt returns from the shower, fully drenched in his street clothes.
SU: What happened to you?
MC: I ran in there and f@cking Johnny Pesky turned all the shower heads on. I don't even know how he did it. Magic button or something.
Johnny Pesky: Sorry Clemmy, did I get your skirt all wet?
MC: Watch yourself (eyes narrowing)
Johnny Pesky comes over, grabs Matt by his soaked designer collar, and stuffs him into his own locker.
Johnny Pesky: I gutted at least a dozen of those yellow bastards in WWII, I could take that goattee off your face and make you swallow it!! Watch YOURSELF!
MC: It's a beard...
Johnny Pesky: Hemingway had a beard! You've got muff hair on your chin!!

Matt Clement finally puts his uniform on and sits down for his "lucky" pre game peanut butter and jelly.
SU: so how do you feel about tonight's game?
MC: I feel good. My arm feels strong and that's a big part of it. I... (David Ortiz comes over, grabs the sandwich out of Clement's hand, and walks away). Papi, what's that all about?
Ortiz just waves his hand behind him.
MC: God damn it! I've had enough of this!

Once Matt started bawling for the third time that day, we decided it was a good time for Sports Untertainment to hit the road again. Good luck Matt!

That Was Me Then...

This is me now...

To My Fans,

Hi guys, Adam Morrison - future lottery pick here. Just wanted to let you all know I'm playing and looking better than ever. Don't let my final game against UCLA fool you. I'm a tough cookie(my mom and dad say so) unlike that JJ Redick guy (pussy). Could he look this good with a moustache? Yup, didn't think so.

Signing off from Spokane (or Spo-caine, for all you thugs out there...hehe),

Adam

Kansas City - Where Losing Is A Proud Tradition

You'd like to think that things are going to eventually turn around for the Royals, but we all know they're not. Long gone are the days of George Brett, cousin of famed actor Matthew Modine. Here to stay are the days when the Royals blow a 6-0 lead and extend yet another losing streak to 13. The "talent" on their team is Tony Graffanino and the team's average age is 29. Sounds promising.

When your manager and players say the following, you know you've got a chance to turn the season around:

"We've done this poorly before. This isn't anything new. The fact is, we're consistent and that's what you look for with any team you manage, right? If management has a problem with that, f*ck 'em" - Royals manager Buddy Bell.

"It's frustrating being on the field because frankly, I wake up every morning not wanting to play anyway. I'm on a team where Mark Grudzielanek and Tony Graffanino are both STARTING. I'm wasting my TALENT here." - Elmer Dessens

"There's nothing good about this situation. Sometimes I sit back and think about why I signed here as a free agent. Things could get worse though...imagine life if you were Tim McCarver. You know...unaware of your ignorance and being a nuisance to the public." - Reggie Sanders

"I'm on the disabled list, cheating on my wife and collecting 11 'mil to do nothing. You think I give a f*ck about this team?" - Mike Sweeney

20: Tony?
9: Oui, Manu?
20: I think we just lose.
9: Oui, Manu.
20: No one stop el German.
9: Non, Manu.
20: Do you know why we do not win?
9: Ze bench score deux points. Ze silent one let Monsieur Dampier put ze testes on ze shoulder. Le Pop lost le cool.
20: But you are not looking sad, si? Esta bien?
9: Oui, I will now return to mon chateau wiss my American petite amie, where I will once again open ze bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon, put on my rap cd, make the love and show her ze O-face. Et toi?
20: Tonight, I go back to the motherland, where I will be greeted by a sea of 40 Argentinean virgins. Things could be more bad.
9: You are so right, mon ami. Now, let us go back to ze locker room and not shower.

Thoughts from the Bullpen

• Does the table tennis draft draw basketballs to determine their lottery?
• Could there be anything worse than Barry Bonds sitting directly in front of you in a movie theatre?
• There are times when I'm not sure if Rick Fox was a basketball player who acted or an actor who just happened to play ball. He's just that good.
• I don't think it matters if Babe Ruth was white or black, but this whole thing about being a Sultan intrigues me.
• Somewhere right now, Bill Belichick is unhappy and wearing a polar fleece.
• Would moving the Saints to LA actually give the city a professional football team?
• I am shocked about Kobe Bryant's performance in the second half of the Lakers' game 7 against the Suns. It is rather unlike him to quit, even against obstacles like a twenty point deficit...or the word No.
• Hideki Matsui apologized to the NY fans for breaking his wrist. Kevin Millar has yet to apologize to the Baltimore fans for not doing so.
• The Royals recently held a players-only meeting. No one on their team was actually eligible to attend.

The Freakness Stakes

Honestly, what's with this shit? Horse racing, in principle, combines some of America's favorite activities: exploiting animals, gambling, public intoxication, and laughing at midgets. Then they have to go and soil such a pure event with this kind of crap. Give these two "southern belles" another mint julep and for ten seconds on national television, they'd be willing to go down on Bernardini. Or maybe even this guy, who I'm pretty sure they cryogenically freeze for 11 months of the year. And Barbaro. Jesus Christ, if I see one more sign wishing that soon-to-be pile of glue well, I'm going to euthanize the horse w/a shovel. I feel bad for the thing, but when people start treating it like a blood relative, my sympathy wanes. Granted, these racing horses are the most beautiful and graceful of their species, but when you boil it down, they're really just dumb animals unknowingly riding around in circles lugging some cousin of his on their backs. The jockeys are fantastic, however. Any time the prerequisites for success are small stature, anorexia, a severe drug problem and mental instability, that's a sport that really impresses me. In fact, given these requirements, I think I've found the ultimate riders. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2007 triple crown winners.

Stuart Scott Visits A Subway Sandwich Shop

Good afternoon Sir, what can I get for you?
Break me off somethin proper.
Okay, how about a cold cut trio?
Booyah!
What type of bread?
You betta recognize!
Umm, Parmasean?
Booyah!
What would you like on the sub?
Can I get a pickle from the congregation!?
Okay, pickles. Anything else?
Just call him mayo because he's on my roll.
Him?
Booyah!
Anything else?
That must be jam cause jelly don't shake like that
Those are hot peppers. Would you like those on your sub?
Oh no he di'int
No hot peppers?
Straight Butta!
I'm sorry, we don't offer butter.
You see wha happened...was...
What happened when?
Ya gots ta rise up!
From where?
Let me clear my throat!
With a soda?
Lord, he made his kin folk proud...Pookie, Ray Ray, Jared Fogle
That will be $5.30
Booyah!

Failed Chris Berman Nicknames- National League

Adam "Pass" LaRoche
Matt Treanor "Bra"
David "if man-loving you is wrong, I don't want to be" Wright
Sal "vation Army" Fasano
Chase "skirts" Utley
Ryan Church "sex scandal"
Marlon Byrd "flu"
Bob Howry "gonna get rid of this dead prostitute's body?"
Will Ohman "milk was a bad choice"
Ryan Theriot "was undoubtedly started by a Black man"
Angel Pagan "Sacrifice"
Mike Burns "when he pees"
Grant Balfour "your chin bitch"
Quinton McCracken "in my McPipein"
Brandon "always on his" Backe
Ben "Stained" Sheets
Chris Carpenter "'s delight, flat as a board, easy to nail"
Larry Bigbie "lower case igamy"
Brandon "I'm a lonely 17 year old, do you want to see me on my" Webb "cam?"
Derek "trying to keep my drinking problem on the Down" Lowe
Jeff DaVanon "the hill at the little league game is probably owned by a child molester looking for fresh meat"
Kelyn Acosta "female who's asking for it"
Danny "you should see what Denny Neagle and this tranny" Ardoin

Won't you be my neighbor?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to harp on my Kobe hatred; being vindictive just isn't in my nature. Part of me wants to like him - his game is sick, his stroke is pure, he drives so smooth, and without him, the legs on these three wouldn't be nearly as sexy - but come on. He has been sporting this getup all throughout the playoffs, and I keep expecting Phil Jackson to come out dressed as Mr. McFeely, yelling "speedy delivery." Who is he trying to appeal to here? Gay black men? Undergraduates at Trinity College? Jerry Falwell? Yeah, this will help the street cred, Kob. Who knows, maybe this is the look that pulls hotel maid tail. I guess my confusion articulates my main problem w/the black mamba: I have no clue who he is. Spoiled brat? Street tough? Baryshnikov? Rapist? Privileged bourgeois? Thug poet? Semi-creepy daytime child television host? Show me who you are, Kobe. Let me in; Let me be your neighbor - so I can leave a flaming bag of poo on your doorstep.

I promise, no more Kobe posts for at least a month. OK, a week.

SportsUntertainment Newsflash:

Dodgers Hire Carson Kressley as Baserunning Coach...

...resulting in budding Biggio/Ethier romance.

Conversation with Mr. Stephen A. Smith

For those of you who don't know, Stephen A. Smith is my idol. His brutal honesty, lack of true sports knowledge about anything outside of basketball and emphasis on enunciating players' names is truly a what has made me a fan of his. Fortunately, I had the honor sitting down with Mr. Smith for an exclusive intereview here at Sports Untertainment.

Sports Untertainment: So Stephen, what's been going on with you? You have your Sunday gig on ABC for the NBA playoffs, "Quite Frankly," and you're still writing for the Philadelphia Inquirer. How do you make time for everything?

SAS: WELL YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE A BLACK MAN TO WORK HAAARD! I MEAN, WE AIN'T GOT NO OTHA CHOICE, I MEAN WE. AIN'T. GOT. NO. OTHAAAA. CHOICE! IT AIN'T NO THANG, MAN. I HEAR A LOT OF PEOPLE COMPARING ME TO MICHAEL WILBAAAHN, BUT I SAY I'M NOTHING LIKE THAT UNCLE TOM! THE SHOW IS GOING WELL, THOUGH!

SU: What?! You come across as very passionate when you're on the air. What is it about sports that makes you so expressive?

SAS: WELL I FIRMLY BUHLEEEEVE THAT IT'S GOD'S CALLING FOR MY VOICE TA BE HUUURD. YOU HAVE ALL THESE OTHER REPORTA'S THAT LIKE TO SUGARCOAT THINGS, BUT IN MY OPINION YOU GOTS TO KEEP IT REAL, AND THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYIN TO DO! WHO CARES ABOUT THE PISTONS LOSING 3 GAME S IN A ROW TO THE CAVS? THE REAL STORY IS WHY THE WHITE MEDIA CONTINUES TO COMPARE LEBRON JAMES' BEARD TO THAT OF AN ANCIENT EGYPTIAN PHAROAH! THAT'S THE REAL STORY AND I'M GOING TO REPORT IT. WHY NOT COMPARE IT TO THAT OF ZYDRUNAS ILGAUSKAS. WHY COULDN'T RANDALL CUNNINGHAAAAM BE COMPARED TO TIM BIAKABUTUKA? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SU: I think I understand what you're trying to say, So we'll leave it at that. Okay, some quick hitters. I say a word, person or phrase and you give me the first thoughts that come to mind, make sense?
SAS: OKAY!

SU: Terrell Owens
SAS: BEST RUNNING BACK IN THE N-F-L

SU: No, I said Terrell Owens. Maybe you thought I meant Terrell Davis, who's not in the league anymore.
SAS: I KNOW WHAT YOU SAID! AND I KNOW WHAT I MEAN! BEST. RUNNING. BACK. IN . THE N-F-L. THAT'S REAL TAAAHLK RIGHT THERE.

SU: Skip Bayless
SAS: WORTHLESS MOTHERFUCKER! DON'T BE FOOLED AMERICA!

SU: Philadelphia 76erS
SAS: THE EPITOMY OF MISMANAGEMENT! CAN YOU BELIEVE, I MEAN CAN YOU BUH-LIEVE HOW HOOOOORRIBLE THIS TEAM IS? YOU HAVE ALLEN IVUSON, CHRIS WEBBUH AND AN UP AND COMER IN IGOUDAH-LA. AND THEY BARELY GOT THEY HEADS ABOVE WATER. THE SITUATION IS AS DIRE AS SKIP BAYLESS TRYING TO ACT STRAIGHT. THE MAN IS GAY, GAY LADIES AND GENTLEMAN. SHOUT OUT TO WOODY PAIGE AND MY COUSIN MICHAEL SMITH! 1 TO 1 ODDS THAT MY MAN JASON WHITLOCK WILL NEED A QUADRUPLE BYPASS IN 4 MONTHS. ANY TAKERS?! WHAT UP JASON!!!

SU: Um...alright. Most under-reported sports story so far this year.

SAS: BARRY BONDS' CHASE FOR THE HOMERUN TITLE. HE'S ALREADY PASSED BABE RUTH AND THERE WASN'T EVEN ANY HOOPLA 'ROUND THAT! IT'S UNBELIEVABLE, UNPROFESSIONAL AND COMPLETELY DISRESPECTFUL, IF YOU ASK ME. WHETHER HE'S ON STEROIDS OR NOT, THE CHASE DESERVES AT LEAST MINIMAL COVERAGE!

SU: But he hasn't passed Babe Ruth yet.

SAS: AW MAN, I CAN'T BUHLEEE DIS. I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU! THERE IS A CONCERTED EFFORT BY THE WHITE MEDIA TO MUFFLE THE GREATNESS OF BONDS AND YOU SIT ACROSS FROM ME TO DO THE SAME THING?

SU: Most underrated basketball player.

SAS: BILL CURLEY

SU: Most overrated basketball player.

SAS: RASHO NES-TUUUUR-O-VIC

SU: Excellent. Any parting words for us.

SAS: YES! SUBSTANCE WITHOUT STYLE MEANS NOTHING! I COULD GIVE A DAMN WHAT ANYBODY IS SAYING IF THEY DON'T LOOK GOOD. BUT PUT THEM IN A GOOD SUIT AND I'M ALL EARS. SUBSTANCE ISN'T IMPORTANT PEOPLE!

-CB, wtf? b.mamba has feelings2 :o(

from the Chicago Tribune...

"I think he was being very selfish," Barkley had said after the game. "I think he stopped shooting so he could say, `Those guys didn't help me.'''

The next day, Bryant sent Barkley 20 angry text messages. That upset Barkley because he didn't expect Bryant to take the criticism so personally.

And I thought my opinion of Kobe couldn't get any worse. That was "20 angry text messages," folks. If there's one quality that I can't respect, it's acting tough over electronic correspondance. Kobe, the Round Mound is too busy shooting craps, splitting 8s and being the coolest dude this side of Richard Roundtree to answer your texts. There's only one thing that gets CB rattled, and you ain't it. Chill. Given the amount of shit Bryant takes on a daily basis, how many messages does Bobby Fisher send over the course of a month? After a night of too many Smirnoff Ice's and a pint of Cookie Dough, does he drunkenly text Shaq like an old girlfriend who just can't let go? In my mind, the answer is a resounding "yes."

bg aristotle, 8 misses u. alyoops to kwme r not the same. Phil iz mean, Sasha wets his pnts, and Lke Wltn keeps pulling more azz thn me :o/ I cnt take it anymre. Im bettr than Dwyne, rght? Hld me.

From: 'God'
Sent: Wednesday, May 17, 2006 7:13 AM
To: 'Curt Schilling'
Subject: Last Night's performance

Hello, God here. I just wanted to send you a note to thank you for your continued support. I might be a little much though with the Name dropping about baseball. I mean, I appreciate you and Timlin giving me credit for your performances and what not, but to be honest, with the Middle East as unsettled as a stomach after Mrs. Timlin's deer porridge and half of Africa infected with HIV, I've got bigger fish to fry than how you guys do playing a game. But hey, everyone needs some time off so I decided to watch your start last night.
Now I know that the New Testament Me is supposed to be more forgiving and kind than the lightning bolt and plague Me of old, but you're making it pretty difficult for me. Unlike that true Christian Timlin, who was untouchable in the 7th and 8th, you were somewhat disappointing. Now maybe I'm not omniscient, but I always thought you were supposed to waste a pitch out of the strike zone on 0-2 counts. I mean, maybe I don't know everything. A ball isn't a sin Curt, trust me. Neither is a curveball. This whole issue with serving up homer runs is somewhat concerning for me as well. Okay, maybe I could give you Ramon Hernandez and Jay Gibbons, but My Only Son Who I Sent to Earth to Atone for all Human Sins! Brandon Fahey? He's 150 pounds soaking wet. I assume that you are filled with self doubt and my disappointment in you can't help. That's what makes this next part so hard.
I've got to let you go. Once again, I appreciated all the attention you bring to Me, so much so that I let it slide when you sided with Bush (don't get Me started on him) but I just can't do it anymore. Have you thought of converting to Judaism? It seemed to work for Sandy Koufax and look at Youk, he seems to be having a productive year. I suppose it doesn't have to be Judaism but just something else. I'm sorry but I have a reputation to think of here and I really can't be associated with guys that have ERAs of six 6 and a half in their last five starts. Again, good luck and Me speed.

We're clearly in a great era of notable sports personalities and commentators ranging from the likes of the Keith Jackson (not the former NFL tight end) to Bob Costas. I strongly believe these guys don't get enough credit or recognition for the priceless analysis and commentary they bring. That being said, I'd like to honor those stellar talents that make viewing sports truly a special experience. Here's my top five:

Jalen Rose: From his days as a member of the Fab 5 to baffling cameos in music videos, Jalen Rose has been a source of inspiration whenever on camera. When the one and only Nick Van Exel is throwing towels at and on you while you're doing live commentary, clearly showing disrespect (read: jealousy), you know you've hit the big time. Here's a sampling of his trailblazing work in front of the camera.



Joe Morgan: "A single is a baseball play when the batter reaches first base. Now, you ask why it's called a single and that's because the hitter only makes it to a single base safely. So when a batter gets a hit and he only makes it to the first base, that's what you call a single, baseball fans." Masterful. Joe Morgan - average baseball player, legendary commentator.

Tim Hardaway: "He do not want to loo dat record." Most people would likely say, "he does not want to lose that record." But therein lies the genius of Tim Hardaway - he speaks in the vernacular, something Bob Costas could never do. I'll never forgive ESPN for taking his broken English off my TV screen. Tim, I have a message for you: "I would neva want to loo any reckid. I stay troo to mah game. Run TMC foreva."

Bill Walton: The king of hyperbole. That description isn't hyperbole.

Tim McCarver: During a meeting on the mound, McCarver once said, "You see Colon talking into his glove because David Ortiz, from the Dominican Republic, can obviously read lips in Spanish." No need to comment on that, it speaks for it self.

Honorable mentions:

George Foreman

John Thompson

Hubie Brown

Dee Brown

Lee Corso (the Dick Vitale of college football)

Now I am not a big fan of hazing, especially in large groups. Other than lack of interest, a mild case of heterosexuality, and a somewhat developed sense of self worth, it's probably the main reason I didn't pledge a fraternity. I also don't think that it's good when young adults are injured, maimed or killed due to degrading outdated rituals. With all of this being fully stated and understood, I can't see anything wrong with this...

What do I see in these pictures of the Northwestern girls' soccer team? Camaraderie, team work, strength training, spirit building. What about the blindfold you say? Well how do you know that this isn't a trust event where her teammates catch her as she falls back? Exactly. And the tape in picture 4? Tape is necessary for college athletes people, it is essential for their physical health. Do you want them to sprain ankles and grow up with never fully healed cankles? Good luck finding a job that pays only 75% of what a man would get in the same position with unattractive legs. Also, soccer players aren't supposed to use their hands!! This is just training this obviously grabby girl to only use her feet! I am outraged that a country would attempt to take away these rights from these young women, rights guaranteed by Title IX. So if you want these fine women to not play soccer and not develop the skills and maintain the physical attributes that would ensure them potentially somewhat-fulfilling mildly-gainful employment later in their lives, go ahead, cancel their season. Then hopefully they'll appear in Playboy.

Failed Chris Berman Nicknames-American League MLB

Manny "Pedi" Ramirez
Jermaine "if you're African-American, George W. Bush doesn't care if you" Dye
Melvin Mora "less looks like all other Hispanics"
Melky "White Breasts" Cabrera
Michael "R. Kelly likes them" Young
Mark "probably drinks and gambles like a" Redman
Pete "Street" Walker
Jose Molina "than his lazy fat brother Benji"
Cliff "cheats on his wife night" Lee
Scott "Half" Baker
J.J. Putz "from the rough"
Doug "she didn't have my dinner ready so I" Waechter
Dan "Curly" Haren "My Mouth"

In my continuing quest to prove that sex and sports are as intertwined as church and state, I have revisited the Archaic Sexual Bases system. If you have not heard of this system, you are in a sad state of affairs. No, I'm not going to explain it to you, I'm just going directly to the new sexual baseball definitions.

Ground Rule Double: fondling a Prostitute

Bunt Single: kissing a passed out girl

Walk Off Homerun: sleep with a girl, never see her again

Stand up Triple: I can't stop laughing long enough to define this one

Sacrifice Fly: Letting your homey run up in your girl

Opposite Field Home Run: Anal

Infield Single: kissing your sister

Inside the Park Home Run: bringing flowers, opening the car door, pulling out the chair, buying dinner and a bottle of wine, telling her she's beautiful, all for missionary in the back of an Accord