Conversation with Mr. Stephen A. Smith

For those of you who don't know, Stephen A. Smith is my idol. His brutal honesty, lack of true sports knowledge about anything outside of basketball and emphasis on enunciating players' names is truly a what has made me a fan of his. Fortunately, I had the honor sitting down with Mr. Smith for an exclusive intereview here at Sports Untertainment.

Sports Untertainment: So Stephen, what's been going on with you? You have your Sunday gig on ABC for the NBA playoffs, "Quite Frankly," and you're still writing for the Philadelphia Inquirer. How do you make time for everything?

SAS: WELL YOU KNOW IT'S LIKE A BLACK MAN TO WORK HAAARD! I MEAN, WE AIN'T GOT NO OTHA CHOICE, I MEAN WE. AIN'T. GOT. NO. OTHAAAA. CHOICE! IT AIN'T NO THANG, MAN. I HEAR A LOT OF PEOPLE COMPARING ME TO MICHAEL WILBAAAHN, BUT I SAY I'M NOTHING LIKE THAT UNCLE TOM! THE SHOW IS GOING WELL, THOUGH!

SU: What?! You come across as very passionate when you're on the air. What is it about sports that makes you so expressive?

SAS: WELL I FIRMLY BUHLEEEEVE THAT IT'S GOD'S CALLING FOR MY VOICE TA BE HUUURD. YOU HAVE ALL THESE OTHER REPORTA'S THAT LIKE TO SUGARCOAT THINGS, BUT IN MY OPINION YOU GOTS TO KEEP IT REAL, AND THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYIN TO DO! WHO CARES ABOUT THE PISTONS LOSING 3 GAME S IN A ROW TO THE CAVS? THE REAL STORY IS WHY THE WHITE MEDIA CONTINUES TO COMPARE LEBRON JAMES' BEARD TO THAT OF AN ANCIENT EGYPTIAN PHAROAH! THAT'S THE REAL STORY AND I'M GOING TO REPORT IT. WHY NOT COMPARE IT TO THAT OF ZYDRUNAS ILGAUSKAS. WHY COULDN'T RANDALL CUNNINGHAAAAM BE COMPARED TO TIM BIAKABUTUKA? YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

SU: I think I understand what you're trying to say, So we'll leave it at that. Okay, some quick hitters. I say a word, person or phrase and you give me the first thoughts that come to mind, make sense?
SAS: OKAY!

SU: Terrell Owens
SAS: BEST RUNNING BACK IN THE N-F-L

SU: No, I said Terrell Owens. Maybe you thought I meant Terrell Davis, who's not in the league anymore.
SAS: I KNOW WHAT YOU SAID! AND I KNOW WHAT I MEAN! BEST. RUNNING. BACK. IN . THE N-F-L. THAT'S REAL TAAAHLK RIGHT THERE.

SU: Skip Bayless
SAS: WORTHLESS MOTHERFUCKER! DON'T BE FOOLED AMERICA!

SU: Philadelphia 76erS
SAS: THE EPITOMY OF MISMANAGEMENT! CAN YOU BELIEVE, I MEAN CAN YOU BUH-LIEVE HOW HOOOOORRIBLE THIS TEAM IS? YOU HAVE ALLEN IVUSON, CHRIS WEBBUH AND AN UP AND COMER IN IGOUDAH-LA. AND THEY BARELY GOT THEY HEADS ABOVE WATER. THE SITUATION IS AS DIRE AS SKIP BAYLESS TRYING TO ACT STRAIGHT. THE MAN IS GAY, GAY LADIES AND GENTLEMAN. SHOUT OUT TO WOODY PAIGE AND MY COUSIN MICHAEL SMITH! 1 TO 1 ODDS THAT MY MAN JASON WHITLOCK WILL NEED A QUADRUPLE BYPASS IN 4 MONTHS. ANY TAKERS?! WHAT UP JASON!!!

SU: Um...alright. Most under-reported sports story so far this year.

SAS: BARRY BONDS' CHASE FOR THE HOMERUN TITLE. HE'S ALREADY PASSED BABE RUTH AND THERE WASN'T EVEN ANY HOOPLA 'ROUND THAT! IT'S UNBELIEVABLE, UNPROFESSIONAL AND COMPLETELY DISRESPECTFUL, IF YOU ASK ME. WHETHER HE'S ON STEROIDS OR NOT, THE CHASE DESERVES AT LEAST MINIMAL COVERAGE!

SU: But he hasn't passed Babe Ruth yet.

SAS: AW MAN, I CAN'T BUHLEEE DIS. I EXPECTED MORE FROM YOU! THERE IS A CONCERTED EFFORT BY THE WHITE MEDIA TO MUFFLE THE GREATNESS OF BONDS AND YOU SIT ACROSS FROM ME TO DO THE SAME THING?

SU: Most underrated basketball player.

SAS: BILL CURLEY

SU: Most overrated basketball player.

SAS: RASHO NES-TUUUUR-O-VIC

SU: Excellent. Any parting words for us.

SAS: YES! SUBSTANCE WITHOUT STYLE MEANS NOTHING! I COULD GIVE A DAMN WHAT ANYBODY IS SAYING IF THEY DON'T LOOK GOOD. BUT PUT THEM IN A GOOD SUIT AND I'M ALL EARS. SUBSTANCE ISN'T IMPORTANT PEOPLE!