A Day with Matt Clement
We attempted to contact the Red Sox in an attempt to get an interview with one of their starting pitchers but unfortunately, Curt Schilling was at Pro Iraq war rallies, Josh Beckett was busy not shaving, Tim Wakefield was doing "charity work", David Wells was getting back into pitching form by grazing on the postgame spread, and Lenny Dinardo didn't qualify as a pitcher. So it left us with Matt Clement, a subject who was more than willing to spend time with us. In fact, he called us and asked us if we wanted to hang out. Anyway, here is what transpired.

We pick Matt up at his back bay penthouse (address undisclosed due to the admirers err homocidal enemies) and since it was around lunch time, we decided to head in to Boston and get a burrito at Anna's Taqueria. Matt was edgy as he ordered his burrito, stressing that he has an allergy to dairy products like cheese and sour cream and that beans "hurt his flexibility". Somehow we ended up footing the bill, which was fine except Matt decided to go with a large soda instead of just getting a cup for water. He got Diet Sprite.
Sports Untertainment: So Matt, I can't help but notice you went with Diet Sprite for your drink of choice.
Matt: Yeah, caffeine tends to make me jittery. And did you realize how many calories were in pop?
SU: Pop?
MC: Soda pop.
SU: Right. Umm, yes there are a lot of calories. So it seems like you have had an inconsistent start to the season. Any thoughts?
MC: Wow, right into the tough questions. (Matt laughs slightly) I think that I have been inconsistent so far this year.
SU: Right, would you be willing to explain why?
MC: It seems like some days I have it and some days I don't.
SU: Okay, several journalists have questioned your mental make up this year and have said that you will always struggle to perform in a city like Boston.
MC: I don't think that's really true. Chicago was a big city like this and I performed...(a piece of chicken falls out of Matt's burrito and leaves a streak on his designer silk buttondown) ...I...I...performed...
SU: Are you okay?
MC: Fine! Where are the napkins?!?!? (Starts to sniffle). Napkins?!?! Help me!!
SU: There are some paper towels in the bathroom.
MC: Fine! Big help you are!! (Matt runs off into the bathroom and his sobbing echos throughout the Taqueria).

After we manage to get Matt under control, we deliver him at Fenway Park, where he is scheduled to start. He invites us in to the clubhouse, an opportunity that we could not turn down.

MC: So here is the clubhouse
SU: Wow, look at the size of that TV.
MC: Yeah, we play alot of PS2 on there. Let's see if Mirabelli will let us jump in on a game.
Clement walks over to where Doug Mirabelli seems to be playing SoCom II online
Doug: Take that again Bard! That's what you get for trying to take Wake away from me. Jester M@THERF*CKER!
MC: Hey Belli
Doug: F@ck Clementine, didn't I tell you not to call me that?
MC: But you call me Clementine.
Doug: That's because you are one.
MC: Whatever, can I jump in on a game?
Doug: I don't think so. You suck.
MC: Fine!
Doug: Don't start with this sniffling sh*t again Clemmy. You know what I was doing at your age?
MC: No (barely audible)
Doug: Well that was in '01, when the Sox gave me up to the Rangers. I was so pissed, I killed a man. I don't know some migrant worker, I just punched him to death. Buried his body in the desert.
MC: Umm.
Doug: My point is, stop being such a p*ssy, sack up and go iron your skirt
MC: Fine!
Manny Ramirez: Eee got you, girlie mayn
MC: Leave me alone! (Matt runs off into the shower)
SU: Did you really kill a man?
Doug: Who the f@ck are you? Got you again Bard, you pass-balling son of a bitch!!!

Matt returns from the shower, fully drenched in his street clothes.
SU: What happened to you?
MC: I ran in there and f@cking Johnny Pesky turned all the shower heads on. I don't even know how he did it. Magic button or something.
Johnny Pesky: Sorry Clemmy, did I get your skirt all wet?
MC: Watch yourself (eyes narrowing)
Johnny Pesky comes over, grabs Matt by his soaked designer collar, and stuffs him into his own locker.
Johnny Pesky: I gutted at least a dozen of those yellow bastards in WWII, I could take that goattee off your face and make you swallow it!! Watch YOURSELF!
MC: It's a beard...
Johnny Pesky: Hemingway had a beard! You've got muff hair on your chin!!

Matt Clement finally puts his uniform on and sits down for his "lucky" pre game peanut butter and jelly.
SU: so how do you feel about tonight's game?
MC: I feel good. My arm feels strong and that's a big part of it. I... (David Ortiz comes over, grabs the sandwich out of Clement's hand, and walks away). Papi, what's that all about?
Ortiz just waves his hand behind him.
MC: God damn it! I've had enough of this!

Once Matt started bawling for the third time that day, we decided it was a good time for Sports Untertainment to hit the road again. Good luck Matt!