The Morning Wood - 09/29/2006

Stud: Daniel Cabrera
My personal sleeper pick in fantasy this year, Cabrera demonstrated why I was rocking an RB in preseason, pitching 8 and a third of no hit ball. Robinson Cano’s single was the only hit he allowed and he somehow managed to only walk two. I can’t wait until I take him way too early next year. When asked for his comments on the performance, some one shivved Kevin Millar before he could get a word out.

Dud: St. Louis Cardinals
I haven’t seen Cardinals suck this hard since they started soaking altar boys in honey. St. Louis has lost 8 of their last 9 games and the Astros are breathing down their sundresses. Fortunately for them, Jeff Weaver (already the DeVito to Jered Weaver’s Schwarzenegger) is starting tonight to attempt to end the streak. Don’t rule out this being a Selig conspiracy to let Roger Clemens get into the playoffs. Either way I’ll take it because I can’t handle Tony LaRussa getting out coached once again in the playoffs. Also, when did the NL Central become the NL West? The Cards are 4 games over .500

Talk Around The Cooler:
Hold the presses on those Subway Series T-shirts America! Petey Martinez is apparently out for the year with a torn tendon in his left calf muscle. Personally, I am shocked that a) it wasn’t something in his weary arm and b) he didn’t tear something earlier in the year dancing to salsa with SU Colleague Jose Lima. The Red Sox organization has taken a ton of heat this year for not having any pitching but I still believe that they made the right decision when it came to Pedro: he has had numerous trips to the DL this year and still has two years left on his bloated contract. Now if only the Sox hadn’t reinvested that saved money into this asshole, who somehow combines the physical fragileness of Pedro with the mental weakness of Derek Lowe.

Quick Hits:
Jay Williams (aka Hell's Angel) signed a non guaranteed contract with the New Jersey Nets. His determination and effort should be congratulated for making it back in to NBA form. That being said, that franchise doesn't exactly have a great track record when it comes to Jay Williams'. George Brett's bust was stolen from the Missouri sports Hall of Fame yesterday. It hit clean up for the Royals last night. The Toronto Blue Jays passed the Boston Red Sox in the AL East standings. There's no punchline there. Apparently AJ + BJ trumps the bloody HJ that the Sox have been offering this year. Jevon Kearse's knee injury is not as severe as originally thought.
After the initial surgery, the doctors are saying that he will only have to rest on his laurels from 1999 for 3 months.

Have a great weekend fans, all two of you.

The Morning Wood - 09/28/2006

Stud: Nothing last night warranted a "stud" nomination. No, not Pujols' homer, not the extra inning results. Nothing, no one. I have high (read: feeling lazy today)

Dud: Pedro Martinez
So much for a playoff tuneup. Pedro was beaten up worse than Robin Givens in his outing last night against the Braves. His line: 2 2/3 IP, 7R and 8H. That is not good. Even worse, Pedro had this to say: "I should be in a rehab start right now, but I'm doing it against major-leaguers. I'm rushing it. I'm putting my numbers in jeopardy. I'm putting myself in jeopardy. I'm putting everything in jeopardy doing it this way, but it's the only way I'm going to get better."

Talk Around The Cooler:
In another disappointing chapter of the cannibalistic chronicles of Mike Tyson, the bankrupt boxer has announced he'll be returning to the sport for a boxing exhibition tour. Reason he's doing this - he's bankrupt. What will be the result of this tour - even more debt. When you've managed to squander $300 million dollars, you can't tell me the amazing accountant that is Mike Tyson won't squander the chump change he'll be getting from this spectacle. One thing I definitely am looking forward to are the amazing soundbites we've all come to love.

So, the white media has finally discovered "lean." Some of you might think that it's sizzurp, but no this is a bit different. This is sizzurp mixed with a Molotov cocktail of other things two large shipments of codeine he'd directed to Houston. If i'm Kiels, the best thing to say is: "my mom's got whooping cough. The bitch needs cough medicine." And it's a wrap - case closed.

Quick Hits:
Michigan is for losers. Oh the fucking irony. Finally - ESPN has seen the light

The Morning Wood - 09/27/2006

We've been slackin on our pimpin over here at sportsuntertainment, but I promise that we'll make a half-ass'd effort to pick things up. On to the news...

Stud: Grady Brewer
This 35-year-old journeyman fighter who works 12-hour days at a tire factory won The Contender finale last night, which gave him a cool half-mil and a new truck, which he said he's going to give to ma and pa. What a guy. He beat Steve Forbes, who was actually a one-time world champion at 130 lbs. Stevie moved up to 149 to compete in the tourney, but my question is what the hell is a world champ doing in a tournament designed for the underdogs of the boxing world? It's like letting this guy compete in American Idol. God, I love J.T. You too? Yeah? Sorry. Either way, the final bout was very entertaining, and it was good to watch this Cinderella story unfold.

Dud: Dennis Green
This dufus is going back on his decision to start Matt Leinart in lieu of Kurt Warner for their week 4 matchup against the Falcons. Why? Did Warner's wife and her gang of lesbian street-toughs threaten Green's life? Does Dennis like the fact that Warner's got the kind of haircut you could eat dinner off of? Or did Kurt summon his best friend, The Almighty, to change DG's mind? Who knows. Either way, it's an awful decision. Looks like Leinart will have to go back to his normal weekly activity of schtuping everything that moves.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Apparently Terrell Owens took 35 pain-killers in what looks to be an attempted suicide last night. Fortunately, it was unsuccessful. Tough to tell what would cause him to do such a thing, but here's to hoping that the somewhat enigmatic, always eccentric star gets his mind in a good place.

The Mavs locked up Dirk Nowitzki through 2011 yesterday. I'll make the somewhat bold prediction that they corral (get it, Mavericks, corral???) two titles from now until then. Something tells me that Dirk will soon find the extra motivation that he needs to put his team over the top.

Quick Hits...
Tim Salmon announced his retirement today, which is approximately four years after he started mailing it in. Jeff Fisher will try to one-up Denny Green's stupidity by sticking with Kerry "Tom" Collins this week. They really should have held on to Volek. Barry Bonds says he's going to play ball in 2007, which means he will probably break Hank Aaron's all-time homerun mark. This should set up the most awkward celebration since this.

The Morning Wood - 09/25/2006

The three writers on this world-reknowned blog are slacking (as usual) today and have brought in a prized recruit to hold up the fort. Ladies and Gentleman, the return of Johnny "I carry Europe on my Shoulders" Mac...enjoy the wood.

Stud: Nomaaaaaah!!!
I know yesterday was a big day for football, but this national league card race is something else and Nomar really helped the Dodger’s cause by hitting his second walk off in less than a week. And this one was a grand slam. Questioned after the game, Nomar said part of his inspiration was to get this horrible use of photoshop out of his mind. I think Mia Hamm is about 4’2” 180 in that pic. It’s horrible.

Dud: US Ryder Cup Team
In back to back routes, the US is getting asses handed to them in this tourney. It’s pathetic. The US hasn’t been dominated by a European power so badly since this guy was in power, although more recently they had a pretty good string of dominance, and this guy just mystifies me. You do have to feel good for Darren Clarke though, who sank an amazing chip shot the other day, and is certainly the feel good story of the event, after recently losing his wife.

Talk Around The Cooler:
The Tigers clinched a playoff berth for the first time since they had Lou Whitaker and Alan Trammell. I’m not even sure if those jokes make any sense, but hey, it’s funny to me!
Mark Brunell set a record for consecutive completed passes which is very impressive considering his receivers have only had a couple of months to review their new offensive coordinator’s playbook.

Quick Hits: The Bengals knocked of the Steelers yesterday in impressive fashion. Peyton Manning once again proved he can come up big when it doesn’t really count. Trevor Hoffman broke the saves record. of this man. (That one was for hasmitt!).

The Afternoon Wood - 09/21/2006

Don't call it a comeback!!!! We (me) back in this bitch! In all honesty, I've been a tad bit lazy (almost getting fired from my jobby job) so my apologies to our 2 loyal readers. I'm not funny anyway. That being said...on to the Wood.


Stud: Dontrelle Willis
Victor Conte Alert! This man is on the juice. Dontrelle was 3-4 with 3 RBI and 2 HR's last night against the Mets. He's also 8-0 lifetime against the Metropolitanss. Convential wisdom says he'd be undefeated if he pitched for the Mets. That thought is actually conventional tomfoolery. From the mound he pitched a solid 81/3 innings.

Dud: White Sox
This is obviously not based on by how much they lost. This is a comment on how they lost and how their fans were acting during the game. There was no effort, no life to the team whatsoever. Rather than supporting the team while it's down, the White Sox faithful opted instead to boo the team. They played like their season was over. We all know their season is over. I'll miss Ozzie and his always conservative banter.

Talk Around The Cooler
I know this has been discussed by everybody already, but I want to comment on the Oklahoma - Oregon situation. First of all, fuck Oklahoma for acting as though this is the first time a team's ever lost a game due to a bad call. If they're going to act this way, why don't we overturn EVERY game that's been decided by a bad call. Fucking sore losers. And what the fuck is the university president doing getting involved in this? Doesn't he have more important things to worry about - like academics. Not that academics really exist at that university. The snobbery of my amazing educational background is coming through.

Apparently a drunk Irishman decided to publish a news article about Tiger Woods' "porn star wife" and a few other members of the Davis Cup team's spouses.

It's not cool to clinch a division by losing...it really isn't. A few insider tidbits from the party: Alex Rodriguez was barred from celebrating because teammates said he'd take the life out of the party. Giambi ran around the locker room laughing hysterically/crying and injecting everyone with HGH, Bernie Williams on the other hand massaged his knees and balls with Ben Gay while singing some Aaron Neville tunes.

Quick Hits:
Ryan Howard for MVP? He thinks not. Bo Jacskon loves Tecmo Bowl. I guess they just like to cheat in the Northwest.

The Morning Wood - 09/14/2006

Stud: Darren Clarke
This is another one of those “sports aren’t life” moments as Clarke makes his first appearance after his wife’s death. I put him down as a stud because I am rooting for him to get some sort of solace or peace of mind through golf. Best of luck to him, even in the Ryder Cup.

Dud: Armando Benitez
You fat bastard. Benitez is done for the season due to inflammation in his right knee. Since the Giants signed this pile of lard pudding, he has given them 68.1 innings in two years and several DL stints. I know bad knees are tough to get rid of but HEY, don’t you think that part of this might be due to the 270 you’re carrying around all the time. Try the Salad!

Talk Around the Cooler:
So I can tell fall is coming because I now see everyone on espn.com discussing the meaning of “valuable”. I’ve even seen definitions even: valuable: of great use or service. And every year reporters and analysts get whipped in to a fever about who should be the MVP and what “value” means to a team. Is Derek Jeter more valuable than David Ortiz because the Yankees are running away with the East? Is Ryan Howard more valuable than Ortiz because his team is in a playoff race, even though the Phillies don’t have as good a record as the Red Sox? Is Albert Pujols more valuable because no one else can hit on his team? It’s enough to chafe the nips with chest beating. I will say this: as out of it as the Red Sox are right now, I’m not sure they would be within five games of the Blue Jays right now without David Ortiz. But, couple the lack of team playoff contention and the fact that he doesn’t play in the field, and Ortiz will miss out once again. Jermaine Dye and Justin Morneau are fine candidates this year but I think Ortiz is being dragged down by a shitshow of rookie pitchers and DL stints. Please MLB, create a MOP award for most Outstanding player and just ignore the team records.

Quick Hits...
The police plan on pursuing a DUI charge against Steve Foley after his incident on September 3rd. Is anyone interested in seeing his BLC (Blood Lead content) at the end of the night? Karl Malone stands accused of offering an illegal bribe to a hunting buddy to take the blame for an illegal elk hunting trip. Karl Malone, even your crimes are white, you honky!! The Patriots are seeking $730K from Deion Branch for fines from this offseason and a portion of his original 2002 bonus. Uh oh, how’s he going to pay for that? STRAIGHT CASH HOMEY!! You want a real scary ass movie: The Snake on a Two Minute Drill. Yikes!

The Morning Wood - 09/13/2006

Sorry about the lack of wood yesterday. Sometimes, it's just not there in the morning.

Stud: Bobby Abreu
This guy has been on fiiiyyyaaah since coming to the Jankees many moons ago, and last night, during Hideki Matsui return to the squad, BAbs tallied 6 rbis in the first inning - which is second all-time, right next to Fernando Tatis, who, until I actually see him in person and touch him to make sure he's real, I'm refusing to believe is back in the league. Six in one inning puts him in elite company with Matt Stairs, Carlos Quintana, and Matt Williams. Abreu finished w/7 rbis, while Matsui went 4-4, which basically tells me that they waited too long to get him back after this injury. Seriously, they could have used him earlier to put a little distance between themselves and the Sox. Fuck.

Dud: Mitch Cozad
The backup punter for the University of Northern Colorado was arrested yesterday for stabbing his rival and starting punter Rafael Mendoza in the kicking leg in an attempt to win the job. I really don't even know what to say about this. I can only assume that he went TonyaHarding on him b/c he was jealous of all the startingpunterattheUniversityofNorthernColoradopoozle he was getting on a bi-monthly basis.

Talk Around the Cooler:
So disgrunted Raiders receiver Jerry Porter, who was reportedly laughing and pumping his fist after Aaron Brooks was sacked for the 7th time Monday night, has said that that's not the case b/c "[he] wasn't even paying attention to the game." Awesome. I think that's the only way he could have made the situation worse. He's like a mini-T.O., only with fewer pregame shows dedicated to all aspects of his existance. Man, football is the ultimate team game.

The United States Men's Soccer team dropped to 29th in the world yesterday. Before the Cup, they were up there in the top ten, and now we're behind the likes of Guinea (Guinea??!!!), Egypt, Turkey, and Cote d'Ivoire. When asked about the sudden dip, recently retired captain Brian McBride said, "Has anyone seen my Jimmy Choo slingbacks?"

Quick Hits...
Deion Branch signed a six-year, $39 million contract with the Seahawks, with $13 million in guaranteed money, which is a huge "fuckyou" to the Patriots, and I'm pleased about it. He did the right thing for himself and his family. Some goalie signed a 15-year deal with the NY Islanders. 99.34% of the United States couldn't give a shit. Ben Roethlisberger wants to play on Monday night, and frankly, I think the organization should trust his decision-making skills. Brett Favre sucks. That's all.

The Morning Wood - 09/11/2006

Stud: Roger Federer
Has there been anyone more dominant in tennis over a three year period? I’m no historian but I have my doubts. He has won 9 out of the last 14 Grand Slam events and seems to just be toying with the competition. Unless someone catches him on clay, it is light’s out. It was nice to see Roddick take a set and battle in the third, but like Vza mentioned on Friday, it just seems that Roddick was killing every shot and running himself ragged while Federer moved effortlessly and ripped silent winners. And now the latest is that he and Tiger Woods have formed the “shitting on our sports” club, which involves Dom P. and laughing about the lack of competition their white American colleagues provide.

Dud: Carolina Panthers
Everyone’s favorite pick to make the Super Bowl this year, this crew came out and stunk up the joint, losing 20-6 to the Hotlanta Falcons. Now they were missing uberstud Steve Smith, but you have to be better than this, especially when Michael Vick tosses his typical 10/22 up there. This just in, the Falcons are going to run the ball down your throats: make an adjustment.
P.S. Michael Vick should not be a QB. I’m sorry, just end the expirement. He is insanely explosive but 10/22? That’s not a QB’s line, that’s Shaq from the free throw stripe.

Talk Around the Cooler:
The Central is crazy as shit. The slutty Twins took three of four from the Tigers this weekend and are hoping to get Fran Liriano back this week. The White Sox , despite a rough stretch, are still on 3.5 out. This is the pennant race to watch this fall. The N.L. west just makes me feel dirty, like two fat people having sex in the back of a pick up truck. Jim Leyland has to be smoking a carton a day at this point.

Quick Hits...
Eh, not too much here: Ryan Howard is frigging amazing. Much ado about a banana. The Red Sox were finally able to get past the Royals. The Texans are already regretting their decision. I've got nothing.

2006 NFC North Preview

I don't know about you, but I'm really looking forward to what our total win/loss number is when we're done. I'll throw some money down on it not being even...

Chicago Bears
This team is certainly quite the enigma. Snarf. There's no question that their defense is the class of the NFL, but the offensive side of the ball is a complete mess. Is Rex Grossman actually good? I feel like, last season, everyone just sort of assumed that he was great because he got to follow the stellar act of Kyle Orton-hears-a-happyhour. How many times did they use the phrase, "he gives us a chance to win?" What does that even mean? A 59.7 quarterback rating does that? What ever happened to helping your team win? This irks me. At running back, there's Thomas Jones - who I refuse to believe is good after those years in 'zona/TB - and then Cedric Benson - who I refuse to believe wants to play football. Their #1 wideout is washed up, I won't even bother discussing their #2, and their tight end is anything but tight. There's a good chance that Mike Brown will lead this team in touchdowns. That being said, there's a good chance they might not give up one the entire season.

Key Games:
October 1 vs. Seattle: Really, really tough to see them winning this game - even in their own house. Seattle's defense is no slouch, and their offense, with Shaun Alexander and Matt Hasslebeck, is light-years ahead of Chi-town's. Should be interesting.

November 12 at NY Giants: One of the league's best offenses vs. the best D. Should be fun watching Brian Ur...waitwaitwait...I mean Brian Urlacher patrol the middle vs. Tiki/Shockey/Plexiglass.

Impact Player(s): I'd take anyone in their secondary. Sick. Between Charles Tillman, Nathan Vasher, Mike Brown and Chris Harris, they had 19 interceptions and 3 TDs last year. Plus, they tossed in Ricky Manning Jr. as a backup, just for sport. This is a 25-year-old man who had 3 INTs in an NFC championship game, folks. Try using your laptop in front of him at Denny's. I dare you. Nerd.

Worst Player: #2 wideout Bernard Berrian had 13 catches and zero TDs last season, which just sucks. I mean, the Bears secondary outdid him in both categories. Does he give Chicago a chance to win?

Prediction: 12 - 4

Detroit Lions
I have no clue what to think of this team. Half of me is pretty optimistic: you've got Mike Martz coming into the mix as the offensive coordinator - a position that he's proven himself quite adept at; half of me thinks Jon Kitna is actually pretty good, especially when teaming up with Roy Williams and Mike Williams; stud rookie LB; they've got a solid o-line that will open up holes for Kevin Jones; and Shaun Rodgers and James Hall are beasts on the d-line. Then, I get to thinking...Jon Kitna's going to be 34? He's got a Kurt Warner thing going on? His backup is Ivan Drago/equally Jesus-freak'd? Is Kevin Jones even good? Mike Williams has been demoted to the third string? More wildcards than my fifth grade game of poker.

Key Games:
September 10 vs. Seattle: This game should probably answer a few of the aforementioned questions. I think Martz is going to have a huge effect on this team, and against Seattle's D, we'll see whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

October 8 at Minnesota: With Green Bay cellar-dwelling while Brett Favre's teammates try to figure out ways to subtly break his arm, Minnesota should be Detroit's comp for #2 in the division. They'll need this game on the road to have any shot at a playoff spot.

November 23 vs. Miami: Thanksgiving Day: a staple in Detroit. Somehow, someway, let's get his lefty magic out there. If I'm on Detroit's o-line, I'm in Jason Taylor's ear all game with endless references to Zach Thomas stuffing his sister's turkey. I'm five. GobbleGobble.

Impact Player: Dre Bly doesn't get enough credit for being one of the few lockdown corners in the league. Like a fine CabSav, he gets better and better with age . He's going to have to hold together a otherwise questionable secondary.

Worst Player: I don't know why, but I'm sick of seeing this guy try to open up holes like a bull in a china shop (favorite idiom). That being said, if I ever get into a barfight, I want to see this face come running through a wall to help me out.

Prediction: 9 - 7

Green Bay Packers
Should be a fun season for those crazy cheeseheads. I'm telling you, they're crazy. They've actually got a pretty decent defense going on, with rook AJ Hawk - certain to become a new whitehomomiddlelinebackerannouncerfavorite - and Charles Woodson - who, while overrated, should make a solid cover duo with Al Harris. All that being said, they're still relying on everybody's (re: all NFL secondary's) favorite gunslinger, Brett Favre. Hey, uh, Brett, how many interceptions you going to throw against Chicago this year? Oh yeah? Tell ya what, I'll take the over. At least you didn't hold the team hostage for the majority of the offseason. Oh wait, you did do that? Shit. And your best receiver bolted? Ahman Green is coming off knee surgery? Plus he's washed up? Two rookie guards are starting? Offensive fireworks in Lambeau, I tell ya. At least the fans have the nice weather to look forward to.

Key Games:
September 17 vs. New Orleans: I'm guessing that newly appointed commish Roger Goodell had the league schedule this game to give a little ray of sunshine to a city that's fallen on hard times. I think the Bush/Hawk matchup should be a rookie of the year battle, plus it's a funny juxtaposition of names.

November 5 vs. Buffalo: Two pisspoor teams might actually put together an entertaining game in some cold-ass weather. Forget that the win will probably be meaningless, this game might actually be fun to watch.

Impact Player: Samkon Gado spent his offseason working at a local hospital to further his goal of becoming a doctor and returning to Nigera. That shit is badass. My guess is that by the time people remember Ahman Green fumbles the football almost as much as Brett throws it to the other squad, Samkon will be the man in the backfield. By the way, he didn't even start at bible-waivin', Division I-AA Liberty University. Go Pack.

Worst Player: My guess is that if Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila's name was Greg Smith, you would have never heard of him. He tossed up a paltry 8 sacks last year to go along with 53 tackles. Not that great from your #1 pass rush guy.

Prediction: 4 - 12

Minnesota Vikings
Ah, the Vikings. While it is true that one man, a team does not make, in their case a couple years ago, two did it. So now that the Culpepper/Moss era has finally come to a complete close, they can go on with Brad Johnson, the least exciting quarterback in the league, Fred Smoot, Bryant McKinnie & co. I think the pickup of Chester Taylor from Baltimore is a significant upgrade at RB, and while the loss of Koren Robinson hurts, I think Troy Williamson is going to prove himself to be at least a capable #1. Speaking of which, things really got awkward in the locker room this preseason when Robinson tried to make out w/the 'Sauce. I'll be here all night.

Key Games:
September 17 vs. Carolina: This would be a huge win in week 2 for the Vikings, especially if they handle the Redskins on opening day. Steve Smith vs. Smoot should be an interesting matchup, and if they start out 2-0, that should be enough to get the fans in Minnesota pumped up just enough to make their annual late season chokejob that much more difficult to swallow (you're thinking of the cruise, aren't you? You sick bastards).

September 24 vs. Chicago: Another early season test, if they can take this one from division favorite Chicago, that would be huge. Personally, I don't think they have a chance, but We'll see what first year coach Brad Childress has up his sleeve.

Impact Player: Napolean Harris is going to be critical for this defense. He's got to regain his 100+ tackle form that he showed in Oakland a few years ago. If he can do that, he'll solidify a mediocre linebacking corps that is sandwiched in between an above average secondary and d-line, which will give them a formidable defense. I think he's got it in him, but we shall see.

Worst Player: I think this is the first year that I went through a fantasy draft without anyone picking Travis Taylor - a perennial cocktease, coincidentally something that doesn't really fit in with the Vikings' mantra. Marcus Robinson is going to have to step up until he breaks his femur in 8 places for the 6th consecutive year.

Prediction: 7 - 9

The Morning Wood - 09/08/2006

Stud: Charlie Batch
Hey BigBen, go get crazy on that motorcycle! Go nuts! Mr. Batch, playing in front of a slew of hometown friends and family, went for 209 yards and 3 touchdowns, along with a no-joke 126.5 qb rating to lead the Steelers to a 28-17 victory over the Dolphins. Kudos to Charlie, but I also think that this showcased a huge weakness in the secondary for the Fish, astutely pointed out by my esteemed colleague, Hasmitt, in his AFC East preview. Batch also combined with Hines Ward for a score, which Hasmitt loved, b/c he likes his touchdowns the way he likes his coffee: extra light, very sweet. Awww.

Dud: Michelle Wie
Stop. Just stop. Michelle, you've had your fun playing with the boys, but now it's time to actually win a tournament against some good ol'fashioned, cake-baking, vacuum-toting skirts. She commented that "her bunker play was better." Any time that your sample size from the sand in one round is large enough to formulate an opinion, that's not a good thing. The difference between you and some club pro is a Nike contract and these, but you don't see them getting a free pass at any of these tournaments. You're a prodigy, now realize some of that potential against your peers, before I get really upset.

Talk Around the Cooler:
As I was watching the NFL's opening game, I found myself flipping back and forth to the US Open as an alternative to sticking a fork in my eyeball in order to ease the pain of listening to Jon Madden. James Blake, #5 in the world, was taking on top-seeded Roger Federer. Blake was playing out of his mind - probably the best I've ever seen him play - just smacking the shit out of the ball, and Federer was off his game, which lead to a 7-6, 6-0, 6-7, 6-4 victory for Federer. As well as Blake was playing, at no point in the match did it seem like he had even the most remote chance of winning. This is the #5 player in the world. Federer is a fucking machine, and it's a beautiful thing to watch. He even kind of looks like a robot, with the deep-set, shadowy eyes and the unchanging, calm demeanor. Someone on the tour needs to step up, and I think I have just the answer.

Quick Hits...
Ryan Howard hit his 54th homerun last night, putting him on pace to hit an unasterik'd 63. All this while making a paltry $355k. Someone get this man a raise. I didn't think I could hate Tony Siragusa any more, but he's proved me wrong. You pick the fucking stupiest story. Options are #1, #2, and #3. Science, you really need to chill. Sometimes, the masculine lure is just too much for one woman to handle.

The Morning Wood - 09/07/06

Stud: Anibal Sanchez
Jesus must hate the Red Sox. Sanchez threw the first no hitter in over two years in only his 13th career start. Meanwhile, Josh Beckett is probably giving up at least 4 hits per bullpen session at this point in the year. Hanley Ramirez is looking like a still-doing-pretty-well-for-himself man’s Jose Reyes. I need a drink. The Marlins have more young talent than the Mouseketeers in the Timberlake/Spears/Aguilera years.
P.S. Just so you know, I envision bad things happening to Anibal Sanchez. He’s a young talented pitcher for the Marlins: check the track record there. He also seems to be on the Bartolo Colon dieting plan. If he’s in the league in five years with an era under 5 or a body weight under 240, I would be amazed. And no, that isn’t sour grapes.

Dud: Rafael Nadal
There is something about this guy that just pisses me off. Maybe it’s the pipes, his Spanish sensuality, his cromagnon face, I’m not sure. Either way, I was definitely hoping for another RFed (Imagine if Roger Federer and Kevin Federline switched personalities. Actually, don’t.) Nadal match up in the finals. But then he ran into Mikhail Youzhny, a Russian and a half and the dream match up is gone. According to Mikhail, the US fans were chanting “You” because his last name is too hard to pronounce. For some reason, I have a mental picture of a stadium filled with Robert Deniros, all doing the “yoou” from the movie Analyze This. Also, Americans are even ugly Americans in their own country. Amazing.

Talk Around The Cooler:
I remember a day when I used to like the letter B. It started so many of my favorite words: beer, booze, breasts, baseball, burritos, B-Movies, bigamy, Big Boy, etc. But that has all gone to hell. Now it is leading off for everything wrong with sports: B-12 vitamins, Barry Bonds, BALCO, blood doping, and lately, the B-sample. The A Sample had a nice run but now the B’s career has taken off quicker than Kristin Cavallari’s after she decided to swallow more often. The latest is that Marion Jones’ B-sample is negative after her A-Sample from a month ago turned up positive for EPO (EPMD’s cousin). But clean B-Sample or not, the truth is this: Jones is just another athlete that will forever have a stain of doubt on her career in this era. The age of innocence and delicious ignorance has been forever lost.

Quick Hits:
The WNBA Finals are still going on? What’s this five game business? This has to be the world’s longest period. John Welbourn, a retired Chiefs tackle, was suspended for six weeks for violating the league’s drug policy. Umm, what exactly is he suspended from doing? Watching the games on Sunday? Seeing his family? Eddie Guardado is done for the year after the Reds found major damage in his 75 year old left arm. Here’s to hoping he saved up enough money from the ’49 gold rush to have the surgery covered. Speaking of old, Gary Payton resigned with the Heat for a year. Pat Riley apparently wanted someone to support him in complaining about “these young whipper snappers with their rip rap music and their plimped out cars”. Everyone once in a while, getting in so deep with sports causes us to lose touch with what actually matters in the real world: here’s to hoping Jon Lester has a full recovery from his battle with cancer.

2006 AFC East Preview

New England Patriots
I just can’t see how the Patriots don’t win 11 games this year and run away with the AFC East. Other than Laurence Maroney, they haven’t added any real pieces while losing Big Kick Adam, Willie McGinest, David Givens, and potentially Deion Branch. Fortunately for them, it appears that the NFL owed them a B.J., which is what their schedule is. They still have Bilbo Belichick and Tom Brady and that should be enough to win the East. Interesting stat: Tom Brady completed 63% of his passes last year, which is also the percentage of male Pats fans who would have sex with Tom Brady if he asked them to.

Key Games:
September 24th vs. Denver: It's revenge time as the Pats face the teams that knocked them out of the playoffs last year. Well, in actuality, the Patriots would have to play themselves to face the team that beat them in the playoffs but you know what I mean.

October 1st at Cincinnati: If their secondary is in the same shape as it was last year, this game could go for a combined 80 points. Kind of like this guy and this guy on an IQ test. It is their toughest challenge on the road this season.

November 5th vs. Indy: Who's better Tom Brady or Peyton Manning? While this question has Salisbury tossing fingers at himself, the real questions are these: how much do the Colts hate the winter in New England and how many yards will the game winning field goal kicked by Adam Vinatieri be?

Impact Player: Mr. Cheap Shot himself, Rodney Harrison. If he can come back from his horrific knee injury and get back to his old playing level, the Pats defense will once again be effective. If not, this guy could throw on this team.

Worst Player: Monty Beisel. Everything you're looking for in an awful player: stupid name, lack of pigment, 44 tackles in 2005. Shit, if Ted Johnson can figure out Belichick's system, you sure should be able to.

Prediction: 12 -4

Miami Dolphins
I was pretty excited about the 'Fins heading into this year as they finished 2005 on a strong note, winning their last six games. The Saban era had begun. Then I happened to actually look at who they defeated (Oak, Buff, S.D, Jets, Titans, and the 3rd String Pats) and I think I may have been duped like the tall blonde girl with the short white skirt you see from behind who ends up having a face like Dee Snyder. They added The Skipper Daunte Culpepper and he will have a permasmile surrounded by talents like Chris Chambers, Randy McMichael, and Ronnie Brown. But what the hell happened to the defense? The only member of the secondary I recognize is Will Allen and that isn't even a good thing. The only thing more awkward than Jason Taylor splitting Zach Thomas' sister in half with the caramel perforator is the divorce the two are now going through. And I almost forgot to mention, Joey Harrington and Marcus Vick are both currently on this roster! I can't imagine that being a positive.

Key Games:
November 19th vs. Minnesota: Dante returns to Minnesota (hopefully without his dinghy). Also, lesser known former Vike Kelly Campbell returns but I have a distinct feeling that they will not be retiring his number for the 57 catches he provided in 3 years there.

December 17th at Buffalo: But Hasmitt, you say, the Bills really suck this year, why is this game important?And I will say "listen m*thaf*cka, it's Mr. Hasmitt, and don't look me in the eye again!" After I compose myself, I will inform you that the Dolphins need to win their four games against the Bills and Jets this year to have a chance for postseason play, and they need to break the stereotype that they can't play in cold weather, which you know it will be in Buffalo.

December 31st at Indianapolis: This could once again be a game that makes or breaks their season. I wonder if the Colts will have anything to play for at this point (other than Peyton breaking some passing mark) and maybe the 'Fins can steal a victory here. Because what I'm saying is that the Dolphins aren't going to win this if the Colts bring their real team out. Albacore!

Impact Player(s): Daunte Culpepper and Ronnie Brown. If Miami gets the Culpepper of 2004, this team could be exciting to watch. But if they get the Culpepper of '05, they might have to turn to Joey Harrington for some leadership. Yikes! Ronnie Brown needs to become a back that can handle regular carries: now that he doesn't have to worry about sharing the backfield with a two-legged hookah, he should prove to be a big part of the team's chances.

Worst Player: Dan Wilkinson. Holy shit, this guy is still in the league! That's amazing.

Prediction: 9-7

New York Jets

Chad Pennington throws like a girl. Curtis Martin is worn down, and you would have to assume that most of it is due to trying to be "man enough" for her. At this point, are NFL franchises just pulling fetus coordinators out of the uterus that is Bill Belichick's staff? What has Eric Mangina done that would make someone think he would be a good head coach? Carry around Charlie Weis' gunt/chili bowl? The Jets are going to be poor this year.

Key Games:

September 10th at Tennessee: This game might be one of the most painful to watch of all time. The only real reason I have it marked down as it will be a good time for the two franchises to laugh about how people actually thought Justin McCareins was going to be somebody. People being me of course.

September 17 vs. New England: Mangini's first battle against his former team. At home no less. Sorry to disappoint you Fireman Ed: this isn't going to be pretty. Is he actually a fireman by the way? Is his sole job to get to a burning house and scream “F-I-R-E..FIRE FIRE FIRE!!”

September 24th at Buffalo: The battle for N.Y...kind of. This is actually the battle for the AFC cellar. Fortunately the match up is only in September, so the field should only have three feet of snow on it. I would watch out if I were Willis McGahee though. For those of you that don't know, Kimo von Oelhoffen has switched teams and is now playing for the Jets. Here's hoping that Willis isn't the first RB in the league with a peg leg. More like ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRB. Ahthankyou.

Impact Player: Jonathan Vilma

The Heir apparent to Ray Lewis as a Miami alum LB with a nose for the ball (who plays for a team whose offense sucks), Jets fans will be rewarded with another 150+ tackle season, some of which he might be in on. I just want to know one thing: Is he catching Jose Reyes' sloppy seconds or is it the other way around?

Worst Player: Kevan Barlow

I mean shit, you know that Curtis is on the down slide, you let Lamont Jordan walk away, you could have had a shot at TJ Duckett, but you go with Kevan Barlow, who seems to be locked in an unannounced suck contest with Lee Suggs. Actually this four back competition that the Jets are dealing with is akin to watching four baby seals try to tread water after they've been clubbed. Move over Rae, I'm coming to stay!

Prediction: 6-10

Buffalo Bills

God, writing up summaries for the last two teams is brutal. I get most of my insults in against the Jets and then I look down and shit, the Bills are even worse! The Bills did something impressive last year: they turned their team over to a second year QB (J.P. Losman) and said "we are building for the future" but then only played him in 9 games, which is the perfect number of games where a young QB can completely lose his confidence but still not gain enough experience. Well played there. No one wants to see Kelly Holcomb (except maybe fantasy players who own one of the Bills midget receivers) so actually BUILD FOR THE FUTURE THIS YEAR! One thing of note: The J.P. stands for Jonathan Paul. Could we get Losman to go with Jon Paul? At the very least, it will remind me of the Seinfeld marathon episode and I’ll laugh. This is my modest proposal. When did London Fletcher add a -Baker to his name? Did he take his wife's name? What is going on here?

Key Games:

September 24th vs. Buffalo: Like I said before, the battle for the AFC east cellar. I have September 24th marked off as a date that I shouldn’t have any objects around me, including shoelaces, that could be turned into a noose.

December 3rd vs. San Diego: I just thought that this would be a good date for Willis McGahee to meet the actual best running back in the NFL. Just to kind of avoid all that awkward confusion after proclaiming himself the greatest. Of course, knowing Marty Schott, he will rush L.T. two times in this game and have Philip Rivers pass 50 times, especially if he is close to a playoff berth.

Impact Player: Nate Clements

Call us what you will, but we love Nate Dogg here. A young CB that is underdiscussed but great in man to man? We'll take it. Instead of these two over hyped traffic cones at the very least.

Worst Player: Peerless Price

Wow, you sucked in Atlanta. Maybe it was Mike Vick (probably), but you certainly didn't help either. Then 6 receptions in 7 games for Dallas. Your name is still correct though because you don't have a peer who sucks this badly.

Prediction: 5-11

The Morning Wood - 09/06/2006

Stud: Johan Santana
He's good. Yup...going out on a limb there. First in the majors to win 17 games this season.

Dud: Ken Griffey Jr.'s Health
Honestly, he accepts being injured more than a battered wife. That being said, I'm surprised he's held up as well as he has this season. Hopefully he returns sooner than later as it looks like the Reds would rather start planning their offseason vacations than make it to the playoffs. I miss Marge Schott.

Talk Around The Cooler
Is it me or do we simply ignore or make light of any controversy involving the NFL. But, it seems as though the NFL is considering tweaking its drug policy. The NFL won't be the same without roid rage running rampant. Let these guys kill each other. This is entertainment right?

I'm all for players AND teams doing what they can to get or provide fair compensation for performance on the field but the situation with the Pats and Deion Branch is getting out of hand. Should he be paid more? Yes. Does he deserve what he's asking for? No. Does a middle ground exist in contract negotiations? Not in the NFL. I can't help but think that this situation will hurt the Pats in the future. If I'm an athlete, I definitely want to go to a team that won't really negotiate and consequently hold me hostage for not taking their only offer.

In a surprise result, Tiger Woods won his 8th PGA Player of the Year Award. Between making love to my wife, showing robotic emotion and bitching at onlookers to stop using their cameras (assholes), it seems as though he can play a bit of golf. Congrats.

Quick Hits:
Vza hates college football. I love it. One more day til football starts which means it's time to look at this weeks fantasy matchups.Unrelated to anything going on in sports right now, just want to say - Duke sucks.

2006 AFC North Preview

Here's a little peak into the AFC North...

Baltimore Ravens
This team bears an eerie resemblence to the 1999 Tennessee Titans, a team that reached the Super Bowl and came about an Olsen twin away from winning. Here are the facts, and they are indisputable: 1. Steve McNair. 2. Derrick Mason. 3. Samari Rolle. 4. White-homo tight end. 5. Great defenses with playmakers, mediocre offense with overrated running backs. So far, you think that the similarities might be a good thing, but then you realize that McNair, Mason and Rolle have all aged, plus their two most important players are felons. God, I love the NFL.

Key Games:
November 5 vs. Cincinnati: They lost to the Bengals twice last year, and to have any chance at making the playoffs in this division, they're going to have to take this game at home. I'd say their best bet is to get Ray Lewis to pull a Von Oelhoffen on Carson Palmer, though I think they'll have a tough time convincing Lewis to do anything illegal, upstanding citizen that he is.

December 10 at Kansas City: Big, late season game against another team that hopes to be fighting for the playoffs. Can Ray Lewis stop the young Larry Johnson based solely on the fact that announcers say that he's good? If there's one thing I know, it's that you never cross America's Favorite Murderer.

Impact Player: Ed Reed is vicious, insanely athletic, probably won't eat your children like Ray Lewis, and is one of a handful of defensive players in the NFL that I'll keep a game on just to watch them. With Samari Rolle and Chris McAlister at the corners, he should be able to take some chances and make a shitload of plays.

Worst Player: For the easiest call in this entire preview, we're going to have to go with Kyle Boller. Throwing a ball 50 yards isn't the only thing he can do from one knee (see: fellatio). In three years of NFL action, he's amassed 31 TDs, 32 INTs and a robust 69.2 qb rating. Plus, he's been a notch on Tara Reid's insanely long, wornout belt. An entire city is praying that Steve McNair's body holds up, and I don't see it happening.

Prediction: 7 - 9

Cincinnati Bengals
Well, it was quite the off-season for this group of ne'er-do-wells. While character issues abound, bringing a group of morally-inept football players to the promised land is not unheard of. Three weeks ago, I probably would have had this team out of the playoffs, but after Carson Palmer looked as sharp as Chris Henry's coke blade, I think they're primed for another solid run. Plus, Marvin Lewis is one of my favorite coaches - he just always looks like he's in total control during a game, kind of a badass, turned around the worst franchise in the NFL, and does a mean Tony Bennett.

Key Games:
October 1 vs. New England: Serious gut-check time - four weeks into the season, you should have your ducks in a row, and in comes the AFC team that you're trying to unseat. With their fairly brutal schedule, they need this game at home. THEY MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!!!

December 31 vs. Pittsburgh: This game might give the winner the division title. It should also be the prime opportunity for a Bengal to take a real cheap shot on Roethlisberger for some Palmer reciprocity. I'm putting my money on rookie/wifebeater/vandal/quarterbackhumper Frostee Rucker.

Impact Player: Even though it's his 13th year in the league, 350-lbs behemoth Sam Adams should improve a defensive line that was a weak spot on their defense last year. That is, of course, assuming that he doesn't eat Frostee Rucker.

Worst Player: Chris Henry was arrested four times in seven months, which works out to about once per 100 yards receiving for his career. Kid has potential, but it sure doesn't look like he's going to realize any of it, especially behind Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmanzadahedahdeadfzah.

Prediction: 10 - 6, playoffs

Cleveland Browns
Cleveland, contrary to popular belief, normally does not rock, and this year should be no different. Looking over their depth chart, I first feel nauseous, then I see that they have a guy named LeCharles, which makes me laugh, right up until I find out that he was their big free agent signing, but is now injured for the season. Luckily, they've got LeCharlie Frye under center - the second-year man out of Akron with middle school facial hair. Luckily, he's being backed up by LeKen Dorsey - fourth year man out of Miami with a middle schooler's body. LeKellen Winslow will have given up and be working on this by week 5.

Key Games:
October 29 vs. NY Jets: Honestly, this is one of the only games I can see them having a chance of winning, even with their puff schedule. They're going to be horrific. I mean, freaking terrible.

Impact Player: LeLeigh Bodden jumped into their lineup after an injury to starting corner LeGary Baxter last year, and actually proved himself to be a reliable, above-average corner. By the way, their impact player went to Duquesne, who may or may not actually have a football team. Coming in tied for a close second are Orpheus Roye, and D'Qwell Jackson, solely based on the coolness of their names.

Worst Player: Oh, I don't know, everyone? Let's give it to LeMatt Stewart, who is undersized, has recoreded seven sacks in six years, could probably be outrun by Drew Carey, and is their starting outside linebacker.

Prediction: 3-13

Pittsburgh Steelers
And finally, our defending Super Bowl Champions. Now, you might not be able to hear this over Joey Porter talking, so listen up. We learned a lot this off-season, for instance: Ben Roethlisberger will not be asked to join Mensa any time soon; Hines Ward loves Korea, and the feeling is mutual; Jerome Bettis retired to work on his 7-10 pickup; and rookie Santonio Holmes loves spreading his seed, then slapping the shit out of the fertilizer. Toss in a little disorderly conduct there too, Santonio - you know, just to keep it interesting. Antwaan Randle El bolted during the off-season, cashing in on one gimmick play that the Redskins presumably will try running on every other third down, given the money that they threw his way. All that being said, the SteelCity should be alright.

Key Games:
September 24 vs. Cincinnati: Just like the Bengals have to win their home matchup with the Steelers, Pittsburgh has got to return the favor.

November 5 vs. Denver: The Broncos will come into Pittsburgh looking for a little payback after being kept out of the Super Bowl by losing to the Steelers in the AFC Championship. They should take this game, but there's the off chance that The Snake goes wild.

Impact Player: No question, Troy Polamalu, who is one of the few announcer favorites that lives up to his hairstyle/hype.

Worst Player: We're going with Cedrick Wilson, who is stepping in at the #2 wideout spot. He's tossed up 1654 yards and six touchdowns in six years of professional football, which would be one good season for Hines Ward. Having to face the Ravens' and Bengals' secondaries twice each isn't going to help.

Prediction: 11 - 5, playoffs

The Morning Wood - 09/05/2006

Stud: Ramon Ortiz
It looks like Ramon was able to put aside not living up to his potential for a day to toss 26 outs of two-hit ball against the somewhat formidable lineup of the St. Louis Cardinals. Not only did he shut them down, but he also hit a dong in the 8th to give his team a little extra cushion. You should really check out some of these quotes from the man they call "Little Pedro": "When I see a ball that's a homer, I say, 'Yes!' It's unbelievable. I can't sleep tonight." "I can't wait to go to my house to watch the TV and watch how hard we hit the ball." "We had everything today. We hit a home run and we throw a good game." Where would I be without foreigners who have a remedial grasp of my native language? I'll tell you where: in a place far less amusing then where I am now. But seriously, it's insanely annoying, after watching the kind of stuff Ortiz has, to realize that he has a career 4.78 ERA. At least he's only...umm...33-years-old. Santa Maria!

Dud: The field
Tiger Woods came back from three strokes down yesterday to take yet another PGA Tour victory. The last time there was such an amazing display of dominance was in this guy's bedroom. Yesss! You would think that this sexy, womanizing Fijian could have held on to his lead, but Woods dropped down and got his eagle on twice on the front nine to take the lead. Seriously, someone needs to step it up. Tiger has decided to take next week off and give the rest of the tour a shot at victory while he gets his 1-iron reshafted by Mrs. Woods. I don't know what that means.

Talk Around the Cooler:
I really hate college football. Maybe it's because I have no vested interest in any team after attending a small Division III school, maybe it's because I know Lee Corso is certainly not a real person, but actually a computer-generated image; either way, I normally can't stand it. That being said, I watched most of the Florida State/Miami game last night, and the Notre Dame game earlier this weekend, and if those threee are considered national title contenders, then there's a problem. Get those two Florida teams some spinach, b/c their offenses are anaemic. Ohhh! And, besides the fact that I can't stand Notre Dame or the media hype that surrounds them, they looked awful against GTech. Awful. But hand Brady Quinn the Heismann, b/c everyone's been saying he's going to be good for the last few years, and his name is probably already engraved on there. Who needs to prove anything when you've got media hype?

Quick Hits...
Holy shit: her adam's apple is as big as her balls! After watching her trade shots w/Serena Williams, I have been rendered temporarily incapable of getting an erection. Also, who started the rumor that she's attractive? I mean, not to say she's ugly, I just don't think I'd turn my head if I passed her on the street. Is it because of her competition? I bet someone has the same agent! I've actually enjoyed watching Andre Agassi turn into an emotional mess. Seems like a great guy, and deserves all the kudos on a wonderfully entertaining career. Amazing. I think your sister's pretty.

The Morning Wood - 09/01/2006

Stud: Ryan Howard
What a stud! I don’t care if the Phillies lost, Ryan Howard is masculine. He hit his 49th home run last night, passing Mike Schmidt and his Selleck-esque mustache for the most in team history, and this one was no joke. I haven’t seen an estimated distance, nor would I really trust any estimate coming out of the D.C. area but #49 was thick. I would say he has answered any doubters he had going into the season. Still on pace for 60!

Dud: Phil Nevin
Yeah, it really wasn’t a good day for duds yesterday, so I had to give it to my boy Phil Nevin, who followed up an ’05 season where he was all but traded to the Orioles before rejecting the trade to then be traded to the Rangers with an ’06 season where he has been traded twice. Congratulations, every one kind of maybe needs you on their team. At least he doesn’t have to deal with the squalor that is the Chicago Cubs any longer.

Talk Around The Cooler:
Oh man, the U.S. doesn’t rule at everything! I guess we’ll just have to rest assured that our trophies for gas consumption and food waste still mean we’re special after our boys were beaten by Greece in the semifinals of the World Championship. Greece doesn’t even have any NBA players on their team. Shocking! When they haven’t been eating gyros three meals a day, this team has probably been practicing together somewhat consistently. I still don’t believe Carmelo Anthony is good for a team, even if he did drop 27 yesterday. One thing is for sure: you have to be better than 59% from the free throw line. The potential bronze medals for the team surely will not get as much love in their homes as their Tony Montana paintings.

Quick Hits:
David Wells has been traded to San Diego and, keep in mind when you read this next part that it isn’t meant to be an insult, I can’t think of another person in the world who looks more like a Whale’s Vagina than Wells. The Washington Redskins are worth 1.423 billion dollars. Imagine how much they would be worth if they didn’t suck. A-Rod had three hits last night, “snapping” out of a 1-24 slump. Wow, that’s quite a slump. Sammy Morris was suspended by the NFL for violating their drug policy. What a pussy though, he was suspended for using ephedrine. Be a man Sammy; get suspended for smoking the herb. It’s a Dolphin running back tradition.