2006 NFC North Preview

I don't know about you, but I'm really looking forward to what our total win/loss number is when we're done. I'll throw some money down on it not being even...

Chicago Bears
This team is certainly quite the enigma. Snarf. There's no question that their defense is the class of the NFL, but the offensive side of the ball is a complete mess. Is Rex Grossman actually good? I feel like, last season, everyone just sort of assumed that he was great because he got to follow the stellar act of Kyle Orton-hears-a-happyhour. How many times did they use the phrase, "he gives us a chance to win?" What does that even mean? A 59.7 quarterback rating does that? What ever happened to helping your team win? This irks me. At running back, there's Thomas Jones - who I refuse to believe is good after those years in 'zona/TB - and then Cedric Benson - who I refuse to believe wants to play football. Their #1 wideout is washed up, I won't even bother discussing their #2, and their tight end is anything but tight. There's a good chance that Mike Brown will lead this team in touchdowns. That being said, there's a good chance they might not give up one the entire season.

Key Games:
October 1 vs. Seattle: Really, really tough to see them winning this game - even in their own house. Seattle's defense is no slouch, and their offense, with Shaun Alexander and Matt Hasslebeck, is light-years ahead of Chi-town's. Should be interesting.

November 12 at NY Giants: One of the league's best offenses vs. the best D. Should be fun watching Brian Ur...waitwaitwait...I mean Brian Urlacher patrol the middle vs. Tiki/Shockey/Plexiglass.

Impact Player(s): I'd take anyone in their secondary. Sick. Between Charles Tillman, Nathan Vasher, Mike Brown and Chris Harris, they had 19 interceptions and 3 TDs last year. Plus, they tossed in Ricky Manning Jr. as a backup, just for sport. This is a 25-year-old man who had 3 INTs in an NFC championship game, folks. Try using your laptop in front of him at Denny's. I dare you. Nerd.

Worst Player: #2 wideout Bernard Berrian had 13 catches and zero TDs last season, which just sucks. I mean, the Bears secondary outdid him in both categories. Does he give Chicago a chance to win?

Prediction: 12 - 4

Detroit Lions
I have no clue what to think of this team. Half of me is pretty optimistic: you've got Mike Martz coming into the mix as the offensive coordinator - a position that he's proven himself quite adept at; half of me thinks Jon Kitna is actually pretty good, especially when teaming up with Roy Williams and Mike Williams; stud rookie LB; they've got a solid o-line that will open up holes for Kevin Jones; and Shaun Rodgers and James Hall are beasts on the d-line. Then, I get to thinking...Jon Kitna's going to be 34? He's got a Kurt Warner thing going on? His backup is Ivan Drago/equally Jesus-freak'd? Is Kevin Jones even good? Mike Williams has been demoted to the third string? More wildcards than my fifth grade game of poker.

Key Games:
September 10 vs. Seattle: This game should probably answer a few of the aforementioned questions. I think Martz is going to have a huge effect on this team, and against Seattle's D, we'll see whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

October 8 at Minnesota: With Green Bay cellar-dwelling while Brett Favre's teammates try to figure out ways to subtly break his arm, Minnesota should be Detroit's comp for #2 in the division. They'll need this game on the road to have any shot at a playoff spot.

November 23 vs. Miami: Thanksgiving Day: a staple in Detroit. Somehow, someway, let's get his lefty magic out there. If I'm on Detroit's o-line, I'm in Jason Taylor's ear all game with endless references to Zach Thomas stuffing his sister's turkey. I'm five. GobbleGobble.

Impact Player: Dre Bly doesn't get enough credit for being one of the few lockdown corners in the league. Like a fine CabSav, he gets better and better with age . He's going to have to hold together a otherwise questionable secondary.

Worst Player: I don't know why, but I'm sick of seeing this guy try to open up holes like a bull in a china shop (favorite idiom). That being said, if I ever get into a barfight, I want to see this face come running through a wall to help me out.

Prediction: 9 - 7

Green Bay Packers
Should be a fun season for those crazy cheeseheads. I'm telling you, they're crazy. They've actually got a pretty decent defense going on, with rook AJ Hawk - certain to become a new whitehomomiddlelinebackerannouncerfavorite - and Charles Woodson - who, while overrated, should make a solid cover duo with Al Harris. All that being said, they're still relying on everybody's (re: all NFL secondary's) favorite gunslinger, Brett Favre. Hey, uh, Brett, how many interceptions you going to throw against Chicago this year? Oh yeah? Tell ya what, I'll take the over. At least you didn't hold the team hostage for the majority of the offseason. Oh wait, you did do that? Shit. And your best receiver bolted? Ahman Green is coming off knee surgery? Plus he's washed up? Two rookie guards are starting? Offensive fireworks in Lambeau, I tell ya. At least the fans have the nice weather to look forward to.

Key Games:
September 17 vs. New Orleans: I'm guessing that newly appointed commish Roger Goodell had the league schedule this game to give a little ray of sunshine to a city that's fallen on hard times. I think the Bush/Hawk matchup should be a rookie of the year battle, plus it's a funny juxtaposition of names.

November 5 vs. Buffalo: Two pisspoor teams might actually put together an entertaining game in some cold-ass weather. Forget that the win will probably be meaningless, this game might actually be fun to watch.

Impact Player: Samkon Gado spent his offseason working at a local hospital to further his goal of becoming a doctor and returning to Nigera. That shit is badass. My guess is that by the time people remember Ahman Green fumbles the football almost as much as Brett throws it to the other squad, Samkon will be the man in the backfield. By the way, he didn't even start at bible-waivin', Division I-AA Liberty University. Go Pack.

Worst Player: My guess is that if Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila's name was Greg Smith, you would have never heard of him. He tossed up a paltry 8 sacks last year to go along with 53 tackles. Not that great from your #1 pass rush guy.

Prediction: 4 - 12

Minnesota Vikings
Ah, the Vikings. While it is true that one man, a team does not make, in their case a couple years ago, two did it. So now that the Culpepper/Moss era has finally come to a complete close, they can go on with Brad Johnson, the least exciting quarterback in the league, Fred Smoot, Bryant McKinnie & co. I think the pickup of Chester Taylor from Baltimore is a significant upgrade at RB, and while the loss of Koren Robinson hurts, I think Troy Williamson is going to prove himself to be at least a capable #1. Speaking of which, things really got awkward in the locker room this preseason when Robinson tried to make out w/the 'Sauce. I'll be here all night.

Key Games:
September 17 vs. Carolina: This would be a huge win in week 2 for the Vikings, especially if they handle the Redskins on opening day. Steve Smith vs. Smoot should be an interesting matchup, and if they start out 2-0, that should be enough to get the fans in Minnesota pumped up just enough to make their annual late season chokejob that much more difficult to swallow (you're thinking of the cruise, aren't you? You sick bastards).

September 24 vs. Chicago: Another early season test, if they can take this one from division favorite Chicago, that would be huge. Personally, I don't think they have a chance, but We'll see what first year coach Brad Childress has up his sleeve.

Impact Player: Napolean Harris is going to be critical for this defense. He's got to regain his 100+ tackle form that he showed in Oakland a few years ago. If he can do that, he'll solidify a mediocre linebacking corps that is sandwiched in between an above average secondary and d-line, which will give them a formidable defense. I think he's got it in him, but we shall see.

Worst Player: I think this is the first year that I went through a fantasy draft without anyone picking Travis Taylor - a perennial cocktease, coincidentally something that doesn't really fit in with the Vikings' mantra. Marcus Robinson is going to have to step up until he breaks his femur in 8 places for the 6th consecutive year.

Prediction: 7 - 9