The Morning Wood - 09/08/2006

Stud: Charlie Batch
Hey BigBen, go get crazy on that motorcycle! Go nuts! Mr. Batch, playing in front of a slew of hometown friends and family, went for 209 yards and 3 touchdowns, along with a no-joke 126.5 qb rating to lead the Steelers to a 28-17 victory over the Dolphins. Kudos to Charlie, but I also think that this showcased a huge weakness in the secondary for the Fish, astutely pointed out by my esteemed colleague, Hasmitt, in his AFC East preview. Batch also combined with Hines Ward for a score, which Hasmitt loved, b/c he likes his touchdowns the way he likes his coffee: extra light, very sweet. Awww.

Dud: Michelle Wie
Stop. Just stop. Michelle, you've had your fun playing with the boys, but now it's time to actually win a tournament against some good ol'fashioned, cake-baking, vacuum-toting skirts. She commented that "her bunker play was better." Any time that your sample size from the sand in one round is large enough to formulate an opinion, that's not a good thing. The difference between you and some club pro is a Nike contract and these, but you don't see them getting a free pass at any of these tournaments. You're a prodigy, now realize some of that potential against your peers, before I get really upset.

Talk Around the Cooler:
As I was watching the NFL's opening game, I found myself flipping back and forth to the US Open as an alternative to sticking a fork in my eyeball in order to ease the pain of listening to Jon Madden. James Blake, #5 in the world, was taking on top-seeded Roger Federer. Blake was playing out of his mind - probably the best I've ever seen him play - just smacking the shit out of the ball, and Federer was off his game, which lead to a 7-6, 6-0, 6-7, 6-4 victory for Federer. As well as Blake was playing, at no point in the match did it seem like he had even the most remote chance of winning. This is the #5 player in the world. Federer is a fucking machine, and it's a beautiful thing to watch. He even kind of looks like a robot, with the deep-set, shadowy eyes and the unchanging, calm demeanor. Someone on the tour needs to step up, and I think I have just the answer.

Quick Hits...
Ryan Howard hit his 54th homerun last night, putting him on pace to hit an unasterik'd 63. All this while making a paltry $355k. Someone get this man a raise. I didn't think I could hate Tony Siragusa any more, but he's proved me wrong. You pick the fucking stupiest story. Options are #1, #2, and #3. Science, you really need to chill. Sometimes, the masculine lure is just too much for one woman to handle.