2006 AFC North Preview

Here's a little peak into the AFC North...

Baltimore Ravens
This team bears an eerie resemblence to the 1999 Tennessee Titans, a team that reached the Super Bowl and came about an Olsen twin away from winning. Here are the facts, and they are indisputable: 1. Steve McNair. 2. Derrick Mason. 3. Samari Rolle. 4. White-homo tight end. 5. Great defenses with playmakers, mediocre offense with overrated running backs. So far, you think that the similarities might be a good thing, but then you realize that McNair, Mason and Rolle have all aged, plus their two most important players are felons. God, I love the NFL.

Key Games:
November 5 vs. Cincinnati: They lost to the Bengals twice last year, and to have any chance at making the playoffs in this division, they're going to have to take this game at home. I'd say their best bet is to get Ray Lewis to pull a Von Oelhoffen on Carson Palmer, though I think they'll have a tough time convincing Lewis to do anything illegal, upstanding citizen that he is.

December 10 at Kansas City: Big, late season game against another team that hopes to be fighting for the playoffs. Can Ray Lewis stop the young Larry Johnson based solely on the fact that announcers say that he's good? If there's one thing I know, it's that you never cross America's Favorite Murderer.

Impact Player: Ed Reed is vicious, insanely athletic, probably won't eat your children like Ray Lewis, and is one of a handful of defensive players in the NFL that I'll keep a game on just to watch them. With Samari Rolle and Chris McAlister at the corners, he should be able to take some chances and make a shitload of plays.

Worst Player: For the easiest call in this entire preview, we're going to have to go with Kyle Boller. Throwing a ball 50 yards isn't the only thing he can do from one knee (see: fellatio). In three years of NFL action, he's amassed 31 TDs, 32 INTs and a robust 69.2 qb rating. Plus, he's been a notch on Tara Reid's insanely long, wornout belt. An entire city is praying that Steve McNair's body holds up, and I don't see it happening.

Prediction: 7 - 9

Cincinnati Bengals
Well, it was quite the off-season for this group of ne'er-do-wells. While character issues abound, bringing a group of morally-inept football players to the promised land is not unheard of. Three weeks ago, I probably would have had this team out of the playoffs, but after Carson Palmer looked as sharp as Chris Henry's coke blade, I think they're primed for another solid run. Plus, Marvin Lewis is one of my favorite coaches - he just always looks like he's in total control during a game, kind of a badass, turned around the worst franchise in the NFL, and does a mean Tony Bennett.

Key Games:
October 1 vs. New England: Serious gut-check time - four weeks into the season, you should have your ducks in a row, and in comes the AFC team that you're trying to unseat. With their fairly brutal schedule, they need this game at home. THEY MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!!!

December 31 vs. Pittsburgh: This game might give the winner the division title. It should also be the prime opportunity for a Bengal to take a real cheap shot on Roethlisberger for some Palmer reciprocity. I'm putting my money on rookie/wifebeater/vandal/quarterbackhumper Frostee Rucker.

Impact Player: Even though it's his 13th year in the league, 350-lbs behemoth Sam Adams should improve a defensive line that was a weak spot on their defense last year. That is, of course, assuming that he doesn't eat Frostee Rucker.

Worst Player: Chris Henry was arrested four times in seven months, which works out to about once per 100 yards receiving for his career. Kid has potential, but it sure doesn't look like he's going to realize any of it, especially behind Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmanzadahedahdeadfzah.

Prediction: 10 - 6, playoffs

Cleveland Browns
Cleveland, contrary to popular belief, normally does not rock, and this year should be no different. Looking over their depth chart, I first feel nauseous, then I see that they have a guy named LeCharles, which makes me laugh, right up until I find out that he was their big free agent signing, but is now injured for the season. Luckily, they've got LeCharlie Frye under center - the second-year man out of Akron with middle school facial hair. Luckily, he's being backed up by LeKen Dorsey - fourth year man out of Miami with a middle schooler's body. LeKellen Winslow will have given up and be working on this by week 5.

Key Games:
October 29 vs. NY Jets: Honestly, this is one of the only games I can see them having a chance of winning, even with their puff schedule. They're going to be horrific. I mean, freaking terrible.

Impact Player: LeLeigh Bodden jumped into their lineup after an injury to starting corner LeGary Baxter last year, and actually proved himself to be a reliable, above-average corner. By the way, their impact player went to Duquesne, who may or may not actually have a football team. Coming in tied for a close second are Orpheus Roye, and D'Qwell Jackson, solely based on the coolness of their names.

Worst Player: Oh, I don't know, everyone? Let's give it to LeMatt Stewart, who is undersized, has recoreded seven sacks in six years, could probably be outrun by Drew Carey, and is their starting outside linebacker.

Prediction: 3-13

Pittsburgh Steelers
And finally, our defending Super Bowl Champions. Now, you might not be able to hear this over Joey Porter talking, so listen up. We learned a lot this off-season, for instance: Ben Roethlisberger will not be asked to join Mensa any time soon; Hines Ward loves Korea, and the feeling is mutual; Jerome Bettis retired to work on his 7-10 pickup; and rookie Santonio Holmes loves spreading his seed, then slapping the shit out of the fertilizer. Toss in a little disorderly conduct there too, Santonio - you know, just to keep it interesting. Antwaan Randle El bolted during the off-season, cashing in on one gimmick play that the Redskins presumably will try running on every other third down, given the money that they threw his way. All that being said, the SteelCity should be alright.

Key Games:
September 24 vs. Cincinnati: Just like the Bengals have to win their home matchup with the Steelers, Pittsburgh has got to return the favor.

November 5 vs. Denver: The Broncos will come into Pittsburgh looking for a little payback after being kept out of the Super Bowl by losing to the Steelers in the AFC Championship. They should take this game, but there's the off chance that The Snake goes wild.

Impact Player: No question, Troy Polamalu, who is one of the few announcer favorites that lives up to his hairstyle/hype.

Worst Player: We're going with Cedrick Wilson, who is stepping in at the #2 wideout spot. He's tossed up 1654 yards and six touchdowns in six years of professional football, which would be one good season for Hines Ward. Having to face the Ravens' and Bengals' secondaries twice each isn't going to help.

Prediction: 11 - 5, playoffs