The Morning Wood - 09/05/2006

Stud: Ramon Ortiz
It looks like Ramon was able to put aside not living up to his potential for a day to toss 26 outs of two-hit ball against the somewhat formidable lineup of the St. Louis Cardinals. Not only did he shut them down, but he also hit a dong in the 8th to give his team a little extra cushion. You should really check out some of these quotes from the man they call "Little Pedro": "When I see a ball that's a homer, I say, 'Yes!' It's unbelievable. I can't sleep tonight." "I can't wait to go to my house to watch the TV and watch how hard we hit the ball." "We had everything today. We hit a home run and we throw a good game." Where would I be without foreigners who have a remedial grasp of my native language? I'll tell you where: in a place far less amusing then where I am now. But seriously, it's insanely annoying, after watching the kind of stuff Ortiz has, to realize that he has a career 4.78 ERA. At least he's only...umm...33-years-old. Santa Maria!

Dud: The field
Tiger Woods came back from three strokes down yesterday to take yet another PGA Tour victory. The last time there was such an amazing display of dominance was in this guy's bedroom. Yesss! You would think that this sexy, womanizing Fijian could have held on to his lead, but Woods dropped down and got his eagle on twice on the front nine to take the lead. Seriously, someone needs to step it up. Tiger has decided to take next week off and give the rest of the tour a shot at victory while he gets his 1-iron reshafted by Mrs. Woods. I don't know what that means.

Talk Around the Cooler:
I really hate college football. Maybe it's because I have no vested interest in any team after attending a small Division III school, maybe it's because I know Lee Corso is certainly not a real person, but actually a computer-generated image; either way, I normally can't stand it. That being said, I watched most of the Florida State/Miami game last night, and the Notre Dame game earlier this weekend, and if those threee are considered national title contenders, then there's a problem. Get those two Florida teams some spinach, b/c their offenses are anaemic. Ohhh! And, besides the fact that I can't stand Notre Dame or the media hype that surrounds them, they looked awful against GTech. Awful. But hand Brady Quinn the Heismann, b/c everyone's been saying he's going to be good for the last few years, and his name is probably already engraved on there. Who needs to prove anything when you've got media hype?

Quick Hits...
Holy shit: her adam's apple is as big as her balls! After watching her trade shots w/Serena Williams, I have been rendered temporarily incapable of getting an erection. Also, who started the rumor that she's attractive? I mean, not to say she's ugly, I just don't think I'd turn my head if I passed her on the street. Is it because of her competition? I bet someone has the same agent! I've actually enjoyed watching Andre Agassi turn into an emotional mess. Seems like a great guy, and deserves all the kudos on a wonderfully entertaining career. Amazing. I think your sister's pretty.