2006 AFC East Preview

New England Patriots
I just can’t see how the Patriots don’t win 11 games this year and run away with the AFC East. Other than Laurence Maroney, they haven’t added any real pieces while losing Big Kick Adam, Willie McGinest, David Givens, and potentially Deion Branch. Fortunately for them, it appears that the NFL owed them a B.J., which is what their schedule is. They still have Bilbo Belichick and Tom Brady and that should be enough to win the East. Interesting stat: Tom Brady completed 63% of his passes last year, which is also the percentage of male Pats fans who would have sex with Tom Brady if he asked them to.

Key Games:
September 24th vs. Denver: It's revenge time as the Pats face the teams that knocked them out of the playoffs last year. Well, in actuality, the Patriots would have to play themselves to face the team that beat them in the playoffs but you know what I mean.

October 1st at Cincinnati: If their secondary is in the same shape as it was last year, this game could go for a combined 80 points. Kind of like this guy and this guy on an IQ test. It is their toughest challenge on the road this season.

November 5th vs. Indy: Who's better Tom Brady or Peyton Manning? While this question has Salisbury tossing fingers at himself, the real questions are these: how much do the Colts hate the winter in New England and how many yards will the game winning field goal kicked by Adam Vinatieri be?

Impact Player: Mr. Cheap Shot himself, Rodney Harrison. If he can come back from his horrific knee injury and get back to his old playing level, the Pats defense will once again be effective. If not, this guy could throw on this team.

Worst Player: Monty Beisel. Everything you're looking for in an awful player: stupid name, lack of pigment, 44 tackles in 2005. Shit, if Ted Johnson can figure out Belichick's system, you sure should be able to.

Prediction: 12 -4

Miami Dolphins
I was pretty excited about the 'Fins heading into this year as they finished 2005 on a strong note, winning their last six games. The Saban era had begun. Then I happened to actually look at who they defeated (Oak, Buff, S.D, Jets, Titans, and the 3rd String Pats) and I think I may have been duped like the tall blonde girl with the short white skirt you see from behind who ends up having a face like Dee Snyder. They added The Skipper Daunte Culpepper and he will have a permasmile surrounded by talents like Chris Chambers, Randy McMichael, and Ronnie Brown. But what the hell happened to the defense? The only member of the secondary I recognize is Will Allen and that isn't even a good thing. The only thing more awkward than Jason Taylor splitting Zach Thomas' sister in half with the caramel perforator is the divorce the two are now going through. And I almost forgot to mention, Joey Harrington and Marcus Vick are both currently on this roster! I can't imagine that being a positive.

Key Games:
November 19th vs. Minnesota: Dante returns to Minnesota (hopefully without his dinghy). Also, lesser known former Vike Kelly Campbell returns but I have a distinct feeling that they will not be retiring his number for the 57 catches he provided in 3 years there.

December 17th at Buffalo: But Hasmitt, you say, the Bills really suck this year, why is this game important?And I will say "listen m*thaf*cka, it's Mr. Hasmitt, and don't look me in the eye again!" After I compose myself, I will inform you that the Dolphins need to win their four games against the Bills and Jets this year to have a chance for postseason play, and they need to break the stereotype that they can't play in cold weather, which you know it will be in Buffalo.

December 31st at Indianapolis: This could once again be a game that makes or breaks their season. I wonder if the Colts will have anything to play for at this point (other than Peyton breaking some passing mark) and maybe the 'Fins can steal a victory here. Because what I'm saying is that the Dolphins aren't going to win this if the Colts bring their real team out. Albacore!

Impact Player(s): Daunte Culpepper and Ronnie Brown. If Miami gets the Culpepper of 2004, this team could be exciting to watch. But if they get the Culpepper of '05, they might have to turn to Joey Harrington for some leadership. Yikes! Ronnie Brown needs to become a back that can handle regular carries: now that he doesn't have to worry about sharing the backfield with a two-legged hookah, he should prove to be a big part of the team's chances.

Worst Player: Dan Wilkinson. Holy shit, this guy is still in the league! That's amazing.

Prediction: 9-7

New York Jets

Chad Pennington throws like a girl. Curtis Martin is worn down, and you would have to assume that most of it is due to trying to be "man enough" for her. At this point, are NFL franchises just pulling fetus coordinators out of the uterus that is Bill Belichick's staff? What has Eric Mangina done that would make someone think he would be a good head coach? Carry around Charlie Weis' gunt/chili bowl? The Jets are going to be poor this year.

Key Games:

September 10th at Tennessee: This game might be one of the most painful to watch of all time. The only real reason I have it marked down as it will be a good time for the two franchises to laugh about how people actually thought Justin McCareins was going to be somebody. People being me of course.

September 17 vs. New England: Mangini's first battle against his former team. At home no less. Sorry to disappoint you Fireman Ed: this isn't going to be pretty. Is he actually a fireman by the way? Is his sole job to get to a burning house and scream “F-I-R-E..FIRE FIRE FIRE!!”

September 24th at Buffalo: The battle for N.Y...kind of. This is actually the battle for the AFC cellar. Fortunately the match up is only in September, so the field should only have three feet of snow on it. I would watch out if I were Willis McGahee though. For those of you that don't know, Kimo von Oelhoffen has switched teams and is now playing for the Jets. Here's hoping that Willis isn't the first RB in the league with a peg leg. More like ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRB. Ahthankyou.

Impact Player: Jonathan Vilma

The Heir apparent to Ray Lewis as a Miami alum LB with a nose for the ball (who plays for a team whose offense sucks), Jets fans will be rewarded with another 150+ tackle season, some of which he might be in on. I just want to know one thing: Is he catching Jose Reyes' sloppy seconds or is it the other way around?

Worst Player: Kevan Barlow

I mean shit, you know that Curtis is on the down slide, you let Lamont Jordan walk away, you could have had a shot at TJ Duckett, but you go with Kevan Barlow, who seems to be locked in an unannounced suck contest with Lee Suggs. Actually this four back competition that the Jets are dealing with is akin to watching four baby seals try to tread water after they've been clubbed. Move over Rae, I'm coming to stay!

Prediction: 6-10

Buffalo Bills

God, writing up summaries for the last two teams is brutal. I get most of my insults in against the Jets and then I look down and shit, the Bills are even worse! The Bills did something impressive last year: they turned their team over to a second year QB (J.P. Losman) and said "we are building for the future" but then only played him in 9 games, which is the perfect number of games where a young QB can completely lose his confidence but still not gain enough experience. Well played there. No one wants to see Kelly Holcomb (except maybe fantasy players who own one of the Bills midget receivers) so actually BUILD FOR THE FUTURE THIS YEAR! One thing of note: The J.P. stands for Jonathan Paul. Could we get Losman to go with Jon Paul? At the very least, it will remind me of the Seinfeld marathon episode and I’ll laugh. This is my modest proposal. When did London Fletcher add a -Baker to his name? Did he take his wife's name? What is going on here?

Key Games:

September 24th vs. Buffalo: Like I said before, the battle for the AFC east cellar. I have September 24th marked off as a date that I shouldn’t have any objects around me, including shoelaces, that could be turned into a noose.

December 3rd vs. San Diego: I just thought that this would be a good date for Willis McGahee to meet the actual best running back in the NFL. Just to kind of avoid all that awkward confusion after proclaiming himself the greatest. Of course, knowing Marty Schott, he will rush L.T. two times in this game and have Philip Rivers pass 50 times, especially if he is close to a playoff berth.

Impact Player: Nate Clements

Call us what you will, but we love Nate Dogg here. A young CB that is underdiscussed but great in man to man? We'll take it. Instead of these two over hyped traffic cones at the very least.

Worst Player: Peerless Price

Wow, you sucked in Atlanta. Maybe it was Mike Vick (probably), but you certainly didn't help either. Then 6 receptions in 7 games for Dallas. Your name is still correct though because you don't have a peer who sucks this badly.

Prediction: 5-11