The Morning Wood - 12/15/2006

Stud: Frank Gore
Unlike Al Gore and his ridiculous lies about Earth being in trouble (he’s probably against the war too! Pinko! Let’s put more holes in Alaska than in the Colts’ run defense! Juneau what I’m saying?), this Gore has one honest platform: chewing up the yards. He rushed for 144 yards last night, and added 34 receiving yards and a TD for the potential NFC West champion 49ers?! (No seriously, they have a shot if Seattle keeps sputtering) He’s got over 1900 yards from scrimmage this year! Willis who? In a related story: Kevan Barlow sucks.

Dud: Bridget Moynahan
Obviously you have no clue who you were dating. Are you aware that Tom Brady is the best quarterback/teammate/spokesperson/son/brother/lover in the world ever? Are you aware of how handsome he is? That this guy has turned down more fanny pack pouzzle than you could possibly fathom? What was it that made you crack? His stoic leadership while ordering you a dinner that he probably wasn’t even going to have to pay for? The eye black that he refused to take off in the bedroom? Those pictures with the goat in GQ? You’re making the biggest mistake of your life sister. Feel free to email me when you stop crying, I don’t need to call Belichick midstroke.

Talk Around The Cooler:
My esteemed colleague Giddy mentioned the Duke rape case and wouldn't you know, there's more news! Talk about anyone's guess as to who is the father of that child. This girl was apparently a semen dartboard leading up to the night of the alleged crime. She stocked up on more genes than a hip Canadian. Sorry, sorry, I got a little bit lost there. America, this isn't a case about race. It isn't a case about class. There isn't even a case. DA Mike Nifong's handling of this case is the only thing criminal about the situation. Here's to hoping that the 3 Duke lacrosse players, even if they are probably pretentious, upper crust a-holes, get cleared before the trial even happens and Nifong faces some type of penalty for his behavior. Actually, let's hope that Nifong is the father of the stripper's child. I smell reality show!

Quick Hits:
ESPN.com should be faced with two charges of perjury for lying to themselves that anyone gives a fuck about this story. Kapowksi! Let’s lighten up people, he didn’t even bring them into a club. At this point, he’s just inventing tournaments to spite me. Make sure you scrowl down there for John Daly's summary of his relationship with his sort of ex-wife. Mrs. Vick has got to be proud. That whole Larry Anderson deal doesn't look so stupid now huh!