Other Things (besides his hands) Moises Alou Urinates on to Toughen up

• San Francisco's country wide public image
• Kirk Reuter
• any frost-susceptible annuals in his garden
• L'il Bow Wow's lyrics
• his wife's soupy polenta
• Nathan Lane in The Birdcage
• US's immigration laws
• Dick Vermeil
• All Streets of Rage 2 characters
• his son

Around Town With Ricky Manning Jr.

Ricky's 2007 black Hummer with 24 inch shiny ass rims tears down a Chicago street, Common blaring from the speakers. It abruptly stops, parking illegally in front of a Starbucks. Ricky heads inside, surrounded by his posse, the Bonus Spendaz. In the store, they encounter a man with glasses on...
"What up Specks?"
"Wow, you're Ricky Manning right? Could I get your autogr..."
"Four eyes."
"What??"
"Oh, you can't hear or see, Four eyes?"
"Did you just call me four eyes? Isn't that from 1985?"
Ricky punches out the stranger.
"Who's from 1985 now?"

He walks up to the next table, his posse barely able to move in the store due to their inflated Avirex coats. Here he encounters a couple conversing...
"She's got cooties!"
"Ricky Manning? I'm the biggest Bears fan! We're going to have a great secondary now that..."
"Circle, Circle, Dot, Dot, now I've got a cootie shot."
"What??"
"This guy likes girls!! Ewwwww!"
"Are you serious?"
Ricky smashes the couple's heads together, knocking them out.
"Girls smell bad!!"

Ricky moves to the next table, where a person is reading the newspaper...
"What are you reading, the Nerd Times?"
Various OH SNAPs come from the posse.
"The Chicago Tribune actually."
"What's that, the Chicago Try Poo??"
More OH SNAPs.
"Can I help you?"
Ricky head butts the man, knocking him out.
"Extra extra, read all about it: this dude got knocked!"

Ricky brandishes a firearm and fires two shots into the ceiling.
"MUTHAF*CKIN TATER TOTS!!"
Ricky and his posse run out of the Starbucks.

To be Continued...

Baseball Porn Movie Titles

In the Hole
Designated Hitter
Toeing the Rubber
Splitter
Unassisted Double Play
Dugout
Hit and Run
Long Man
Force Play
Double Switch
Five Man Rotation
Mound
Hot Corner
Gap Shot
Wily Mo Pena

(thanks to Ben, Ben, and Brendan for contributions)

"My name is David Wells. I have 'foot-in-mouth' syndrome. I really am a badass and don't say I'm not, because I'll kick your ass...or at least try to. I don't back down to anybody. Bitches. "

Breaking MLB News

Barry Bonds did not hit a home run last night. He also did not enjoy talking to reporters or the colors of the baseball and bases due to racist undertones. He did not remember to check if his oven was off before leaving the ballpark. He did not cross Go, did not eat green eggs and ham, did not aid Lee Harvey Oswald in any way. He did not go out for drinks after the game with Jim Bowden, Eddie Sutton, Bobby Huggins or Larry Eustachy. He did not appear on Wild and Out. He did not get photographed by paparazzi with Nick Lachey. Arizona 7, San Francisco 4.

We here at Sports Untertainment had the fortune of running into soon-to-be draft bust LenDale White and he was nice enough to sit down with us for a brief interview. Take a read...

Sports Untertainment (SU): So what cemented your decision to declare for the draft?
LW: Well, it really came down to the issues of food and females to be honest. The food I eat on campus is decent, but I'm thinking that with the cash flow that comes with being a 1st round draft pick, I'll have access to all the pork rinds and chicken fingers I've been dreaming of for ages. Also, I like being wined and dined. For example, when boosters and agents take me out...f*ck, I meant to say bookies....damn, there go those Freudian slips again, haha. Anyways, when I go out to lavish restaurants with my associates, I realize that the opportuntiy to experience that lifestyle whenever i want is right at my fingertips.

SU: And what about the females?
LW: Oh yeah, the women. Well, I've pretty much run through the whole campus and I'm getting bored. HIT IT AND QUIT IT!! HAHAH....that's my motto, man. I DON'T LOVE THESE HO'S. It ain't NO FUN if the homies can't have NONE. I tell Matt [Leinart] that, but he's on some, "I'm a one woman man" bullshit. I'm all about spreading the wealth.

SU: Interesting. I take it you don't have a girlfriend judging by your "spread the wealth" philosophy.
LW: Man, we're gettin' off topic. I thought we were supposed to talk about my draft preparation. But since you ask, I do have a girlfriend and I take serious offense to her calling me at all hours of night interrupting my love sessions with other females on campus. I hope you're reading this interview, Angela!!!

SU: Getting back on track, how's the preparation for the NFL coming?
Sheeitt! What preparation, haha. What do I need to prepare for? What you need to be doing is asking every single defensive coordinator how they're preparing for ME. Ya dig? I'm the best prospect to come along since KiJana Carter. You know, a big bruising back that carries tacklers for yards, durable.



SU: He tore his ACL in his first pre-season game and was never quite the same...
LW: I'm not talkin about what he did though...I'm talking about potential. Think of Brian Bosworth, Akili Smith, Blair Thomas, Heath Schuler, Ryan Leaf. I'm in the same mold as those guys. Mad potential and just like them, I'll prove the haters wrong.

SU: What?! So what do you have to say about the negative reports about your Pro Day showing at USC?
LW: Yeah, I saw the reports about how I weighed in at a "hefty" 245 pounds and benched less than my boy Reggie [Bush]. I can't run the 40 right now due to an injury I sustained a number of weeks ago. But all I have to say about these reports is, f*ck all the haters...I'm the next coming of "The Bus." I mean, I know I'm not nearly as talented as Jerome Bettis and he's a pretty consistent bowler. But I have the pedigree, lack of concern about my weight paired with unbridled arrogance to go a long way in the NFL.

(Long pause)

SU: Um...any other thoughts for our readers?
LW: Yeah man. Right now it's me against the world. With the help of my personal adviser Maurice Clarett, I think I'll be fine. You know, he had the same knocks against him leading up to the draft. Obviously things didn't pan out for him the way he envisioned, but things are looking positive anyway. You know, assuming the whole robbery situation from a couple months back gets settled. And a shout out to Lawrence Phillips...never met you bruh, but you always kept it real.

Buddhist Sports

Sports are suffering
Soccer is emptiness
I am unattached to this inflated ball
How does Beckham bend it so?

Objects found in Scot Pollard's Locker

-a year's supply of rogaine
-protractor for proper sideburn angle
-marshmallow fluff
-2 XL feather thongs
-4 Van Morrison CDs inside 4 Stain'd CD cases
-1 unopened Zima, signed by Corey Haim
-1 Copy of Shakespeare's Sonnets, unopened.
-2 sandbags
-Jermaine O'Neal's car keys
-one large bottle of Cialis
- Lava lamp in the shape of a penis
- Sudoku for Dummies book
-hipster doofus thick black frame glasses
-multiple scrunchies
-2 unopened slim jims, tucked into a "World's #1 Granddad" coffee mug
-clip-on looney tunes tie with cheese whiz stain
-hidden inner child

I Like Sports

This is completely unacceptable in sports:

And no, I don't mean the crying. I mean peach fuzz moustaches. I have one myself, but I'm black.

But this is always acceptable:

There's nothing more important than teammates and coaches always willing to lend a helping hand.