The Morning Wood - 1/19/2007

Stud: Dikembe Mutumbo
Way to step out and fight the evil of ageism! Deke is looking to speak with David Stern to stop announcers/”analysts” from discussing/joking about his age. Who cares if he was alive during WWII? If he says he’s 40, he’s 40. Are you going to argue with him and his razor sharp elbows? I didn’t think so. Regardless of if he’s 40 or 60, the Mount has been putting in working in Yao’s absence. Check it out from 12/27 on.

Dud:
Picking one dude for a dud today is difficult, especially with Bill “Stink Fish” Parcells pulling a favre on the Cowboys, Shaq being a fat bastard and taking forever to return, and K-Fed actually being involved with a commercial making fun of how he is going to return to being a white trash hand job any day now but the DUD of the day has to go to Barry Bonds. No one wants to hear if you think Pete Rose and Mark McGwire belong in the Hall of Fame or not. Is it a good move for you to draw attention to yourself at this point when your name is more green related than Bruce Banner at this point and you’re a sneeze away from being indicted? Also, how about you just worry about the fact that you still don’t have a signed contract for the ’07 season yet and let the holy fat journalists worry about who is getting into the Hall. Not that they have any right to either. I’m hatin’!

Talk Around The Cooler:
Oh no, the flu has hit the Patriots locker room! Just something else to stack the odds against a team that is so underappreciated and ignored by the NFL, the fans, and the media. Now even their immune systems aren’t giving them the respect that they deserve! Or maybe the NFL purposely let the flu into their locker room! I can’t wait until this becomes some type of rallying point for the Patriots and they use it to motivate themselves this weekend to beat the Colts! Influenza leads to Invincibility! Enough is enough. The Patriots are a great team and they receive respect from everyone in the league so let’s see what happens on Sunday but let’s not pay much attention to the lack of respect/antibodies/Vitamin C in New England’s direction. I have a sore throat! I’m still bringing it!

Quick Hits:
Why do I assume that this best offer involves beer and pork rinds? I can’t really blame Rolen: LaRussa’s a douche bag. That's all I got for today. Boring boring night in sports.

The Morning Wood - 01/18/2006

Stud: Phoenix Suns11 straight wins, en route to a 30-8 record. That means the Suns are pretty good. Nash is pretty good. He went for 21 points and 14 assists.

Dud: Boston College B-Ball players Akida McLain and Sean WilliamsBoston College is a dud on it's own, to be honest. Both players were dismissed from the team yesterday due to a violation of team rules. I don't really care about this story. But I do care about Al Skinner's mouth. I don't know what the fuck is going on with it, but I'm pretty certain his mouth alone could be a character on Mortal Kombat.

Talk Around The Cooler:So Marty Schottenheimer is coaching the Chargers in 2007. Chargers fans, I'm really sorry about that. Congrats on your impending amazing regular season. And my condolences to you and yours for your impending Divisional Round loss to the [Insert Inferior AFC team].

First it was Michael Vick - Ron Mexico. Now it's Michael Vick - Purple Haze. If his inability to think on the playing field, a place where you think he'd feel most comfortable, didn't tip you off to his inability to use his brain - how bout the fact that he was adamant about not throwing away his bottle of weed at a security checkpoint. This must have been some seriously once in a lifetime greenery. Once in a lifetime shit: a team game-planning to stop Vick's passing, Marcus Vick doing anything remotely normal, Aaron Brooks (the Vicks' cousin) looking like an NFL QB without humongous lips. Get the chapstick, bitches! This family has issues people!

This deserves to be in a place of it's own. I'm not particularly a fan of Tom Brady, but if there's anything that could convert me, it'd be this magnanimous tribute. If you don't know what magnanimous means, go look it up, dumbass. And commend me on my flawless use of it- idiots. Wouldn't you want to be in Gisele Bundchen's shoes right now? I mean seriously, imagine being in her stiletto's right now. I'd be like 3 inches taller and wearing some really expensive shit. And for me, that'd be an accomplishment. And I'd still be unbelievable comfortable with my sexuality.

Quick Hits:

Larry Bird traded for two white guys - the country bumpkins in Indiana are beyond elated. If you didn't know it by now, you should - the NFL is scripted. Just can't get enough of vagina.

The Morning Wood - 01/15/2007

Ladies and gents, after a long absence from this half-assed blog, I'm fully ready to make a quarter-assed return. On with the show!

Stud: Gilbert Arenas
Agent Zero dropped 51 on the Jazz last night, including a buzzer-beating, game-winning triple to seal the victory in our nation's capital. I think it's also the second time in the last week or so that he's hit a game-winner and celebrated before the ball went in. Normally, I'd be upset that, with a tie ballgame, some whuss guard launched a 27'er instead of taking it to the rack, but with Gilbert, it just makes sense. There's no rhyme or reason to anything this guy does. Arenas had been going through a mini-slump, but this should definitely put him back on track. Remember when Team USA chose Bruce Bowen over him? Yeah, that was awesome. My one beef w/Gil was that he was so smooth that it used to seem like he coasted through games, then all of a sudden, you'd look up at the jumbotron and see that he had 30. Now, he lets you know who the best player on the court is for 48 minutes. Love this guy. He's so funky, he'll wil'out and do the Elaine dance right in front of Steve Javvy.

Dud: Joe Dumars
Is Chris Webber really what the Pistons need to jumpstart their season? It's like adding George Burns to a sputtering comedy tour, only w/worse knees. Their verticals might be identical at this point. And yes, I realize Burns is dead. Look at that second highlight. Look at any of them. Now, he makes Jerome James look nimble. He and Britany Spears neck and neck in the 21st century's "largest distance travelled on a fall from grace" award. Hopefully he'll take minutes away from Rasheed Wallace (their #2 scoring option and best defender), Antonio McDyess (best bench option), Jason Maxiell (high-energy youngester) and Nazr Mohammed (sucks, but is still better than CWeb). Oh wait, they're going to spin the Naz for Marko Jaric. That should help, umm, opposing backup point guards? Joe, the statue of limitations on the Rasheed/Chauncey/Rip moves is just about up. This better work out.

Talk Around the Cooler:
So the Patriots did the Shawne Merriman dance on the Chargers logo after the game. Now, admittedly, I'm not a Pats fan, but with the exception of the cheapshotartist Rodney Harrison, they've conducted themselves w/class during their Super Bowl run. This, however, was not only shameless, but really not the reaction of a confident team. The Pats have been doing a lot of strange things this year: early-season sulking, an over-the-top division championship celebration, too many shots of a smiling Belichick-- something just seems a little off. The thing that really irked me about the championship Patriots was their calm aura of superiority; I hated it b/c my team didn't have it. Now, it's just gone. I like them to finally lose to the Colts, which should ruin the lives of at least 12 sports-radio idiots. Also, in next year's Pats/Bolts matchup, I like LT to rush for 1,800 yards in one game, break both of Roosevelt Colvin's ankles, then slash the tires of the gurney, take a whizz on Pat Patriot, have a 3-way w/Belichick's wife and daughter after the game, videotape it, and publish it on the internet. You watch.

Quick Hits...
Did anyone know that the Aussie Open was going on? I'm not sure Roger Federer even knew, and he's already won a match. Are they letting anyone who owns a tennis racket enter tournaments at this point? I'm pretty sure that guy ripped my movie stub today. At least Maria Sharapova is back in all her fist-pumping, orgasm-noise-making, OK-looking glory. David Beckham at 5 years, $250 million? What happens if he gets hurt? The MLS folds, right? The league can't be worth more than $16.50. Who is insuring this contract? Actually, all of these questions take a backseat to my two favorite imports related to this deal. I would be impressed, but honestly, they're just beating a bunch of girls.

The Morning Wood - 1/12/2006

Stud: Steve Nash
He's good. He had 21 assists last night. He is the first player in 9 years to have two 20+ assist games in one season. He got all sorts of comfortable with this lady. I didn't by some wild stretch of the imagination. He is a stud.

Dud: Chris Webber (he loves white women)
C-Webb got C-Waived by the Sixers last night. Ooooohhh got 'em! There's nothing that says, you're worthless like being paid to remove yourself from all team-related activity. Or having to do septic inspections on a daily basis. Happy trails Webber. But I'll give you a stud (lower case) for producing Blunt Ashes on Nas' new album. Good shit mayne.

Talk Around The Cooler:
Ok. So my favorite player, Barry Bonds, tested postive for greenies. At this point who gives a fuck? You know who? The white media - and with a name like Pedro Gomez, you know that that white homo is at the forefront of this. At some point the baseball establishment will have to come to terms with the fact that the sport is not as "pure" as they'd like to believe. I say embrace the fact that what we're all seeing may/may not be true ability. The NFL seems to be doing fine with steroids.

Booyakasha! Feel me now!!! And now my goal (read: black male's carnal lust) of "meeting" Posh Spice (read: slutty white girl) will soon only be 3,000 miles away. The interesting point about this story is not how much he's being paid or the fact that someone's decided to play in a league who's players don't actually play what the league promotes (does that make any sense?). The real story is that the tremor felt all across LA yesterday was the collective twitching of millions of vaginas in response to the Beckham news. Respeck!

Michelle Wie still sucks and is actually getting worse with every single tournament. How bout you fucking prove yourself on a more reasonable playing field. I would say on a level playing field, but she's shown us that most of the LPGA is head and shoulders (but not breasts) above her in talent.

Quick Hits:
This is why this country doesn't have an obesity problem. This is dedication. Stupid motherfockers. THIS SHOW IS OVA!!!

NFL Playoff Preview: New England vs. New Yorksey

This reeks of a sausage fest although it is probably just the scent produced when Eric Mangini’s thighs rub together. The Jets and the Pats are the inbred brothers of the NFL, exchanging players, personnel, and philosophy like purple nurples on the family farm in Alabama. Parcells went from the Pats to the Jets. Belichick shunned the Jets to coach the Pats. And now Babyface Mangini has made the switch and other than his ex-wife and sweatshirts with full sleeves, the thing The ‘Chick hates the most is that Spamgini took a head coaching job in the same division. Pats! Jets! This time it’s personal!

Previous Match Ups:
The teams met twice in the regular season, as division mates are wont to do. The Pats won the first meeting in Week 2, 24-17. Kevan Barlow was the Jets leading rusher. But in week 10, the Jets won what could almost be called a must win in Foxboro, 17-14, starting them on a run where they won six out of their last eight games. Kevan Barlow was the Jets leading rusher. I’m not sure anyone in the country has seen Doug “Peter” Gabriel since his fumble in the second quarter of this game. This also ended a 57 game streak where the Pats hadn't lost two games in a row. The record for longest streak of this kind is held by The Who Gives a Fucks. Did I mention that Kevan Barlow is still in the league?

Keys
The Jets need to be patient and out-dink the Dink champions. Just like in his childhood, the Jets are going to look to get Laverne Coles a lot of touches. I severely doubt that they’re going to have any type of a running game so screen screen screen like Britney Spears does with her calls now when “KFed Cell” pops up. Hmm. Just a note: I’m acting like it’s a choice for the Jets to use a short passing game, but in actuality, Wet Noodle Pennington couldn’t throw a ball through one ply generic T.P. On defense, the Jets need to do two things: pick up the ball after the Pats inevitably fumble it and bend but don’t break. I hate Bend but don’t Break, especially when obese a-holes on WEEI are saying it 12 times a day about the Pats D, but it really applies here. The Pats don’t have Adam the 2nd Coming kicking any longer: they have a rookie with a long foreign name that probably translates to “Norwood”. Make him kick.

The Pats need to have their players, especially Ben Watson, sleep with footballs cradled in their arms. Also, Brady the Beauty would appreciate that if his receivers aren’t going to catch balls that him them in the hands, at least just knock them down instead of tipping them straight up in the air or towards the other team. Over half of his interceptions this year have been on balls tipped by his receivers. Of course, part of this is a direct reflection on a management group that refused to add any receiving help even though they are $10 million under the cap. The Pats should be able to run the ball a little bit, and there aren’t going to be any field issues so I expect them to control the ball for the majority of the game. They need to put the ball in the end zone and Corey Dillon is more than willing to do so from one yard out after 11 other guys killed themselves getting it there. If I were a Patriots fan, I would be concerned about the defense. Yes, I know the front four is dominant but the Jets are trotting out a Cedran Houlowington half breed backfield that they weren’t counting on either way. Oh, how interesting this match up would be if Toni Braxton hadn’t Tonya Hardinged this man. So the front four doesn’t matter much but the secondary does. And that would be the secondary that is without Rodney Harrison (which is a huge loss even if he is a dirty bastard). Just because Asante Samuel had the same number of interceptions as Champ Bailey doesn’t mean that they are even in the same class as cornerbacks.

What’s Going to Happen:
I would really like to sit here and tell you that the Jets are going to come into Foxboro and beat the Patriots but then I start thinking about Pennington’s arm, Belichick’s undefeated record against teams he has lost to previously in a season (who makes up these stats?), Laurence Maroney’s explosivity, and Tom Brady’s buttchin and I just can’t make that pick and feel good about myself. I do expect the game to be close. I expect Pennington to complete close to 70% of his passes but it won’t be enough. The Patriots are going to control the ball and something stupid will happen. It will probably involve Justin McCareins sucking and Tedy Bruschi will also be involved in a positive manner. I see a 21-14 Pats Victory. Belichick and Mangini open mouth kiss at the 50 after the game.

The Morning Wood - 01/04/2007

Stud: Rohan Davey
Err, I mean JaMarcus Russell. Sweet name by the way. Apparently “Marcus” didn’t say “I’m not Caucasian enough”. Anyway, Russell burned the most overhyped team in the land for 332 yards and 3 total TDs and might have opened a nice little competition as to who is the first QB taken next year (this reeks of Young/Leinart). In related news, Charlie Weis has been storing a top ten recruiting class in his man pouch so look for Notre Dame to once again be media darlings next year only to fall in a BCS game when they can’t avoid playing someone other than the Armed Forces teams.

Dud: Pat Riley
Now I understand that this leave of absence has something to do with your health and I wouldn’t want to tear into a person who was trying to look after their well being. That being said, wouldn’t it have been nice if you hadn’t completely run the last coach out of town roughly a year ago? I honestly don’t know if the Heat would have won their championship last year with Stan Van Gundy as the head coach but I do know that now the move looks extremely short sighted. And for the person who just said something about “he wanted to spend time with his family”, you probably also believe that Saddam Hussein was involved with September 11th.

Talk Around the Cooler...
I am sick of tired of hot shot college coaches coming to the pros, not succeeding because they can’t seem to adjust (Rick Pitino, just realize I’m looking in your direction even though I’m discussing football coaches) and then fleeing back to a different college program. The latest is Nick Saban, whose exit was all the more ugly due to his swearing that he wasn’t going to be the University of Alabama coach roughly 13 seconds before becoming the University of Alabama coach. At least Pete Carroll stunk enough in his turn with the pros to realize that there is no better situation for him than loving the sun and talent at USC. I’m starting to think that there should be some type of anti-tampering agreement set up between the NCAA and the NFL at this point. It will be interesting to see if Jason Taylor’s potential retirement is affected one way or another by Saban’s quitting. My brother, a person who appreciates some solid chaos, is rooting for Charlie Weis to take the Miami job and for Romeo Crenel to grab the Bills job and create an AFC Belichick division. I have my fingers crossed.

Quick Hits:
The only number more ridiculous than this will be Rex Grossman’s playoff QB rating. Well this certainly isn’t going to help his cause either. Larry Merchant had it “even” after one round. Must be that 1.0625 to 1 TD/Int ratio that sealed the deal.

The Afternoon Wood 1/2/2007

It's a Happy New Year Bitchessss! Grab a seat, grab a glass. After that I'll grab yo' ass. Welcome to a New Year and another 365 days of "blogging" from this group of sports insiders. And now, on to the wood.

Stud(s): USC and Boise St.
We all know what went down yesterday/last night. The Rose Bowl featured an amazing coach with a great young team versus a horrible coach and a very good team. Dwayne Jarret, abused the Michigan secondary like Ike Turner did Tina. It was truly deflating to watch. In the Fiesta Bowl, we saw the Hook & Ladder, the Statue of Liberty, a post-game proposal (nothing like some cheerleader poozle to celebrate a victory) and in my opinion one of the best finishes to a college football game ever. Yeah I said it. What more could you have wanted?

Dud: Terrell Owens
Not much to say about this. The fact that he tried to kill himself and failed at that (I know, I know...he overdosed on meds - accidentally) makes me somewhat sympathetic towards him. I'm more than willing to help him out if necessary in the future though.

Talk Around The Cooler:
Slowly, bits and pieces about the Darrent Williams shooting are coming out. Apparently Javon Walker was in the car with him when the shooting occurred. They were apparently on their way from Carmelo's party to Allen Iverson's (must....not...make...tasteless joke) party. Our condolences.

Nick Saban has taken issue with the press asking him about his impending decsion regarding the University of Alabama. He says it's a dead story. Considering it's a dead story, I don't think the press should make anything of the fact that he's meeting with U. of Alabama today and will give them an answer, has never fully denied interest in the position nor said he's coming back to Miami. Yup that's sounds like a dead issue. How dare the media make something of this "story."

Oh yeah. Bob Knight...unruly, bushy/fucked up eyebrows...blah blah blah, passed Dean Smith, excellent temper, 880 wins.

Quick Hits:
And the ESPN brainwashing continues. New name, still lackluster talent. Jim Mora, good luck applying for that U. of Washington coaching job, that happens to not be available.

Michigan Wolverines Make Great Argument for BCS Title Game

There are three teams that I truly care about in sports: Georgetown Basketball, Michigan Football and the Dallas Cowboys. Given the date of this post, only one of these three teams have a chance of doing anything that will do away with my annual year-end cryerbating sessions.

So, here are my pouting, emotional, uncomplicated thoughts regarding Michigan football and tonight's Rose Bowl game.

1.) Lloyd Carr: You're a dick and never prepare your teams for big games

2.) Great way to show the nation you were the 2nd best team in the country.

3.) Final 2 games of the season, nearly 1000 yards given up on defense versus Ohio State and USC

4.) Total Yds gained for MICH: 326; Yards passing for Jim Bobby Joe Michael John David Booty: 391

5.) Girls I've "entertained" from the U. of Michigan: 2. This large sample size proves that even other members of the student body have low standards for performance.

6.) Like my man Eddy Curry, they showed no heart at all during the game.

7.) Michigan's Offensive line: Confused in the first half. Confused in the second half. Great fucking adjustments.

8.) Chad Henne has the pocket presence and mobility of Drew Bledsoe

Hard to complain about an 11-2 season, but given the way Michigan played today, criticism is warranted. Now, time to cryerbate to a commerative DVD of Desmond Howard Heisman Trophy highlights.