Watch out Germany, you Sthilly Bitches!

I don't know about you guys, but I think our men's national soccer team is fabulous! Is this their publicist's attempt to rid the squad of the "soccer is a whussy sport" stereotype? Bravo! Brian McBride sure is ready to go out for a few apple martinis, maybe order a few tapas and talk about how it's all going to go straight to his thighs.

Let's imagine you're a budding young superstar on the national team: you're looking for a mentor, someone you can learn from on and off the field to hone your talents. Who do you choose? Your captain, of course, who appears to be saying, "In my mouth, on my chin - I don't care where it goes, just don't get it on my $480 Jacquard shirt! Gimme some snaps on that, Clint! And show'em how you work your reverse grip on that pole!"

Pablo Mastroeni's androgeny knows no bounds. Stop looking at me like that. No, I will not have sex w/you. Stop it. Stop it!

Cobi Jones: that's a great pose. Get your legs out of those stirrups and go drink a Guinness before you spontaneously combust into a pile of turquoise jewelry.

Kasey Keller, you aren't fooling anyone. That wedding ring is clearly a prop brought by the photographer. Either that or you removed it from your wang for the shoot.

The most manly picture? DeMarcus Beasley, who looks like JaRule...only gayer - which is tough to do. Really tough.

In summary, congratulations United States Men's Soccer team, you have gained the respect of your fellow patriots, and clearly, the world does not want to play you. Now go run around and get sweaty!