Sports Untertainment

We did it...

2007-05-06T20:28:00.000-04:00

Roger: "Damn you look good today."

So the news came down this afternoon that the two lovebirds, Andy Pettite and Roger Clemens will be reunited again on an MLB diamone, this time with the Yankees. And the two could not be any happier...

Andy Pettite: Rogie...I'm so happy for us.
Clemens: Andy, cut that pansy shit out. Remember...we're men. And men don't act, you know - all affectionate with each other. Because that's gay. Now...stick that in my ass.

Andy: There...how's that feel?
Clemens: Ooohh. God yeah. Feels spectacular. How you feelin' Andy?

AP: I feel like I'm pitching a no-hitter. I'm overcome with excitement, Rogie. Can you return the favor sometime?
Clemens: First of all, don't call me Rogie. You know when we're in bed together my name is Sexy Duece Duece. And that ain't gon change, Andy. It just ain't!

AP: I'm sorry. I'm sorry...my feelings have just gotten to me. I'm happy this little secret of ours is finally out in the open.
Clemens: My wife doesn't know about us. Cause that would mean I'm gay.

AP: No, I'm talking about you playing for the Yankees...us being reunited again.
Clemens: Damnit, Andy. It's one thing to talk about us being together in bed, but talking about our relationship on the mound is out of bounds! What's wrong with you?

AP: (mid thrust look of confusion)
Clemens: Come on Mr. Steinbrenn-uh...Andy finish the inning - bottom of the 9th, 2 outs baby, this no-hitter is yours!

AP: I think i'm done. I can't go on anymore. I think you're into the money than you are me.
Clemens: Damnit Georg-um...Andy, it's not what you think. I just fuckin hate my kids. And worthless fucking wife. You make me feel like I'm The Big Unit when I'm really closer to Todd van Poppel. I love you.

AP: Sexy Deuce Deuce, what's the pitch count...I think I'm ready to close this game out.
Clemens: Two strikes, Two huge balls. One Sexy Deuce Deuce!

AP: Rogie, I'm so happy to have you back.

The Morning Wood - 1/19/2007

2007-01-19T08:28:00.001-05:00

Stud: Dikembe Mutumbo
Way to step out and fight the evil of ageism! Deke is looking to speak with David Stern to stop announcers/”analysts” from discussing/joking about his age. Who cares if he was alive during WWII? If he says he’s 40, he’s 40. Are you going to argue with him and his razor sharp elbows? I didn’t think so. Regardless of if he’s 40 or 60, the Mount has been putting in working in Yao’s absence. Check it out from 12/27 on.

Dud:
Picking one dude for a dud today is difficult, especially with Bill “Stink Fish” Parcells pulling a favre on the Cowboys, Shaq being a fat bastard and taking forever to return, and K-Fed actually being involved with a commercial making fun of how he is going to return to being a white trash hand job any day now but the DUD of the day has to go to Barry Bonds. No one wants to hear if you think Pete Rose and Mark McGwire belong in the Hall of Fame or not. Is it a good move for you to draw attention to yourself at this point when your name is more green related than Bruce Banner at this point and you’re a sneeze away from being indicted? Also, how about you just worry about the fact that you still don’t have a signed contract for the ’07 season yet and let the holy fat journalists worry about who is getting into the Hall. Not that they have any right to either. I’m hatin’!

Talk Around The Cooler:
Oh no, the flu has hit the Patriots locker room! Just something else to stack the odds against a team that is so underappreciated and ignored by the NFL, the fans, and the media. Now even their immune systems aren’t giving them the respect that they deserve! Or maybe the NFL purposely let the flu into their locker room! I can’t wait until this becomes some type of rallying point for the Patriots and they use it to motivate themselves this weekend to beat the Colts! Influenza leads to Invincibility! Enough is enough. The Patriots are a great team and they receive respect from everyone in the league so let’s see what happens on Sunday but let’s not pay much attention to the lack of respect/antibodies/Vitamin C in New England’s direction. I have a sore throat! I’m still bringing it!

Quick Hits:
Why do I assume that this best offer involves beer and pork rinds? I can’t really blame Rolen: LaRussa’s a douche bag. That's all I got for today. Boring boring night in sports.

The Morning Wood - 01/18/2006

2007-01-18T10:44:00.000-05:00

Stud: Phoenix Suns11 straight wins, en route to a 30-8 record. That means the Suns are pretty good. Nash is pretty good. He went for 21 points and 14 assists.

Dud: Boston College B-Ball players Akida McLain and Sean WilliamsBoston College is a dud on it's own, to be honest. Both players were dismissed from the team yesterday due to a violation of team rules. I don't really care about this story. But I do care about Al Skinner's mouth. I don't know what the fuck is going on with it, but I'm pretty certain his mouth alone could be a character on Mortal Kombat.

Talk Around The Cooler:So Marty Schottenheimer is coaching the Chargers in 2007. Chargers fans, I'm really sorry about that. Congrats on your impending amazing regular season. And my condolences to you and yours for your impending Divisional Round loss to the [Insert Inferior AFC team].

First it was Michael Vick - Ron Mexico. Now it's Michael Vick - Purple Haze. If his inability to think on the playing field, a place where you think he'd feel most comfortable, didn't tip you off to his inability to use his brain - how bout the fact that he was adamant about not throwing away his bottle of weed at a security checkpoint. This must have been some seriously once in a lifetime greenery. Once in a lifetime shit: a team game-planning to stop Vick's passing, Marcus Vick doing anything remotely normal, Aaron Brooks (the Vicks' cousin) looking like an NFL QB without humongous lips. Get the chapstick, bitches! This family has issues people!

This deserves to be in a place of it's own. I'm not particularly a fan of Tom Brady, but if there's anything that could convert me, it'd be this magnanimous tribute. If you don't know what magnanimous means, go look it up, dumbass. And commend me on my flawless use of it- idiots. Wouldn't you want to be in Gisele Bundchen's shoes right now? I mean seriously, imagine being in her stiletto's right now. I'd be like 3 inches taller and wearing some really expensive shit. And for me, that'd be an accomplishment. And I'd still be unbelievable comfortable with my sexuality.

Quick Hits:

Larry Bird traded for two white guys - the country bumpkins in Indiana are beyond elated. If you didn't know it by now, you should - the NFL is scripted. Just can't get enough of vagina.

The Morning Wood - 01/15/2007

2007-01-16T08:00:00.000-05:00

Ladies and gents, after a long absence from this half-assed blog, I'm fully ready to make a quarter-assed return. On with the show!

Stud: Gilbert Arenas
Agent Zero dropped 51 on the Jazz last night, including a buzzer-beating, game-winning triple to seal the victory in our nation's capital. I think it's also the second time in the last week or so that he's hit a game-winner and celebrated before the ball went in. Normally, I'd be upset that, with a tie ballgame, some whuss guard launched a 27'er instead of taking it to the rack, but with Gilbert, it just makes sense. There's no rhyme or reason to anything this guy does. Arenas had been going through a mini-slump, but this should definitely put him back on track. Remember when Team USA chose Bruce Bowen over him? Yeah, that was awesome. My one beef w/Gil was that he was so smooth that it used to seem like he coasted through games, then all of a sudden, you'd look up at the jumbotron and see that he had 30. Now, he lets you know who the best player on the court is for 48 minutes. Love this guy. He's so funky, he'll wil'out and do the Elaine dance right in front of Steve Javvy.

Dud: Joe Dumars
Is Chris Webber really what the Pistons need to jumpstart their season? It's like adding George Burns to a sputtering comedy tour, only w/worse knees. Their verticals might be identical at this point. And yes, I realize Burns is dead. Look at that second highlight. Look at any of them. Now, he makes Jerome James look nimble. He and Britany Spears neck and neck in the 21st century's "largest distance travelled on a fall from grace" award. Hopefully he'll take minutes away from Rasheed Wallace (their #2 scoring option and best defender), Antonio McDyess (best bench option), Jason Maxiell (high-energy youngester) and Nazr Mohammed (sucks, but is still better than CWeb). Oh wait, they're going to spin the Naz for Marko Jaric. That should help, umm, opposing backup point guards? Joe, the statue of limitations on the Rasheed/Chauncey/Rip moves is just about up. This better work out.

Talk Around the Cooler:
So the Patriots did the Shawne Merriman dance on the Chargers logo after the game. Now, admittedly, I'm not a Pats fan, but with the exception of the cheapshotartist Rodney Harrison, they've conducted themselves w/class during their Super Bowl run. This, however, was not only shameless, but really not the reaction of a confident team. The Pats have been doing a lot of strange things this year: early-season sulking, an over-the-top division championship celebration, too many shots of a smiling Belichick-- something just seems a little off. The thing that really irked me about the championship Patriots was their calm aura of superiority; I hated it b/c my team didn't have it. Now, it's just gone. I like them to finally lose to the Colts, which should ruin the lives of at least 12 sports-radio idiots. Also, in next year's Pats/Bolts matchup, I like LT to rush for 1,800 yards in one game, break both of Roosevelt Colvin's ankles, then slash the tires of the gurney, take a whizz on Pat Patriot, have a 3-way w/Belichick's wife and daughter after the game, videotape it, and publish it on the internet. You watch.

Quick Hits...
Did anyone know that the Aussie Open was going on? I'm not sure Roger Federer even knew, and he's already won a match. Are they letting anyone who owns a tennis racket enter tournaments at this point? I'm pretty sure that guy ripped my movie stub today. At least Maria Sharapova is back in all her fist-pumping, orgasm-noise-making, OK-looking glory. David Beckham at 5 years, $250 million? What happens if he gets hurt? The MLS folds, right? The league can't be worth more than $16.50. Who is insuring this contract? Actually, all of these questions take a backseat to my two favorite imports related to this deal. I would be impressed, but honestly, they're just beating a bunch of girls.

The Morning Wood - 1/12/2006

2007-01-12T11:45:00.000-05:00

Stud: Steve Nash
He's good. He had 21 assists last night. He is the first player in 9 years to have two 20+ assist games in one season. He got all sorts of comfortable with this lady. I didn't by some wild stretch of the imagination. He is a stud.

Dud: Chris Webber (he loves white women)
C-Webb got C-Waived by the Sixers last night. Ooooohhh got 'em! There's nothing that says, you're worthless like being paid to remove yourself from all team-related activity. Or having to do septic inspections on a daily basis. Happy trails Webber. But I'll give you a stud (lower case) for producing Blunt Ashes on Nas' new album. Good shit mayne.

Talk Around The Cooler:
Ok. So my favorite player, Barry Bonds, tested postive for greenies. At this point who gives a fuck? You know who? The white media - and with a name like Pedro Gomez, you know that that white homo is at the forefront of this. At some point the baseball establishment will have to come to terms with the fact that the sport is not as "pure" as they'd like to believe. I say embrace the fact that what we're all seeing may/may not be true ability. The NFL seems to be doing fine with steroids.

Booyakasha! Feel me now!!! And now my goal (read: black male's carnal lust) of "meeting" Posh Spice (read: slutty white girl) will soon only be 3,000 miles away. The interesting point about this story is not how much he's being paid or the fact that someone's decided to play in a league who's players don't actually play what the league promotes (does that make any sense?). The real story is that the tremor felt all across LA yesterday was the collective twitching of millions of vaginas in response to the Beckham news. Respeck!

Michelle Wie still sucks and is actually getting worse with every single tournament. How bout you fucking prove yourself on a more reasonable playing field. I would say on a level playing field, but she's shown us that most of the LPGA is head and shoulders (but not breasts) above her in talent.

Quick Hits:
This is why this country doesn't have an obesity problem. This is dedication. Stupid motherfockers. THIS SHOW IS OVA!!!

NFL Playoff Preview: New England vs. New Yorksey

2007-01-05T12:06:00.000-05:00

This reeks of a sausage fest although it is probably just the scent produced when Eric Mangini’s thighs rub together. The Jets and the Pats are the inbred brothers of the NFL, exchanging players, personnel, and philosophy like purple nurples on the family farm in Alabama. Parcells went from the Pats to the Jets. Belichick shunned the Jets to coach the Pats. And now Babyface Mangini has made the switch and other than his ex-wife and sweatshirts with full sleeves, the thing The ‘Chick hates the most is that Spamgini took a head coaching job in the same division. Pats! Jets! This time it’s personal!

Previous Match Ups:
The teams met twice in the regular season, as division mates are wont to do. The Pats won the first meeting in Week 2, 24-17. Kevan Barlow was the Jets leading rusher. But in week 10, the Jets won what could almost be called a must win in Foxboro, 17-14, starting them on a run where they won six out of their last eight games. Kevan Barlow was the Jets leading rusher. I’m not sure anyone in the country has seen Doug “Peter” Gabriel since his fumble in the second quarter of this game. This also ended a 57 game streak where the Pats hadn't lost two games in a row. The record for longest streak of this kind is held by The Who Gives a Fucks. Did I mention that Kevan Barlow is still in the league?

Keys
The Jets need to be patient and out-dink the Dink champions. Just like in his childhood, the Jets are going to look to get Laverne Coles a lot of touches. I severely doubt that they’re going to have any type of a running game so screen screen screen like Britney Spears does with her calls now when “KFed Cell” pops up. Hmm. Just a note: I’m acting like it’s a choice for the Jets to use a short passing game, but in actuality, Wet Noodle Pennington couldn’t throw a ball through one ply generic T.P. On defense, the Jets need to do two things: pick up the ball after the Pats inevitably fumble it and bend but don’t break. I hate Bend but don’t Break, especially when obese a-holes on WEEI are saying it 12 times a day about the Pats D, but it really applies here. The Pats don’t have Adam the 2nd Coming kicking any longer: they have a rookie with a long foreign name that probably translates to “Norwood”. Make him kick.

The Pats need to have their players, especially Ben Watson, sleep with footballs cradled in their arms. Also, Brady the Beauty would appreciate that if his receivers aren’t going to catch balls that him them in the hands, at least just knock them down instead of tipping them straight up in the air or towards the other team. Over half of his interceptions this year have been on balls tipped by his receivers. Of course, part of this is a direct reflection on a management group that refused to add any receiving help even though they are $10 million under the cap. The Pats should be able to run the ball a little bit, and there aren’t going to be any field issues so I expect them to control the ball for the majority of the game. They need to put the ball in the end zone and Corey Dillon is more than willing to do so from one yard out after 11 other guys killed themselves getting it there. If I were a Patriots fan, I would be concerned about the defense. Yes, I know the front four is dominant but the Jets are trotting out a Cedran Houlowington half breed backfield that they weren’t counting on either way. Oh, how interesting this match up would be if Toni Braxton hadn’t Tonya Hardinged this man. So the front four doesn’t matter much but the secondary does. And that would be the secondary that is without Rodney Harrison (which is a huge loss even if he is a dirty bastard). Just because Asante Samuel had the same number of interceptions as Champ Bailey doesn’t mean that they are even in the same class as cornerbacks.

What’s Going to Happen:
I would really like to sit here and tell you that the Jets are going to come into Foxboro and beat the Patriots but then I start thinking about Pennington’s arm, Belichick’s undefeated record against teams he has lost to previously in a season (who makes up these stats?), Laurence Maroney’s explosivity, and Tom Brady’s buttchin and I just can’t make that pick and feel good about myself. I do expect the game to be close. I expect Pennington to complete close to 70% of his passes but it won’t be enough. The Patriots are going to control the ball and something stupid will happen. It will probably involve Justin McCareins sucking and Tedy Bruschi will also be involved in a positive manner. I see a 21-14 Pats Victory. Belichick and Mangini open mouth kiss at the 50 after the game.

The Morning Wood - 01/04/2007

2007-01-03T08:30:00.000-05:00

Stud: Rohan Davey
Err, I mean JaMarcus Russell. Sweet name by the way. Apparently “Marcus” didn’t say “I’m not Caucasian enough”. Anyway, Russell burned the most overhyped team in the land for 332 yards and 3 total TDs and might have opened a nice little competition as to who is the first QB taken next year (this reeks of Young/Leinart). In related news, Charlie Weis has been storing a top ten recruiting class in his man pouch so look for Notre Dame to once again be media darlings next year only to fall in a BCS game when they can’t avoid playing someone other than the Armed Forces teams.

Dud: Pat Riley
Now I understand that this leave of absence has something to do with your health and I wouldn’t want to tear into a person who was trying to look after their well being. That being said, wouldn’t it have been nice if you hadn’t completely run the last coach out of town roughly a year ago? I honestly don’t know if the Heat would have won their championship last year with Stan Van Gundy as the head coach but I do know that now the move looks extremely short sighted. And for the person who just said something about “he wanted to spend time with his family”, you probably also believe that Saddam Hussein was involved with September 11th.

Talk Around the Cooler...
I am sick of tired of hot shot college coaches coming to the pros, not succeeding because they can’t seem to adjust (Rick Pitino, just realize I’m looking in your direction even though I’m discussing football coaches) and then fleeing back to a different college program. The latest is Nick Saban, whose exit was all the more ugly due to his swearing that he wasn’t going to be the University of Alabama coach roughly 13 seconds before becoming the University of Alabama coach. At least Pete Carroll stunk enough in his turn with the pros to realize that there is no better situation for him than loving the sun and talent at USC. I’m starting to think that there should be some type of anti-tampering agreement set up between the NCAA and the NFL at this point. It will be interesting to see if Jason Taylor’s potential retirement is affected one way or another by Saban’s quitting. My brother, a person who appreciates some solid chaos, is rooting for Charlie Weis to take the Miami job and for Romeo Crenel to grab the Bills job and create an AFC Belichick division. I have my fingers crossed.

Quick Hits:
The only number more ridiculous than this will be Rex Grossman’s playoff QB rating. Well this certainly isn’t going to help his cause either. Larry Merchant had it “even” after one round. Must be that 1.0625 to 1 TD/Int ratio that sealed the deal.

The Afternoon Wood 1/2/2007

2007-01-02T13:22:00.000-05:00

It's a Happy New Year Bitchessss! Grab a seat, grab a glass. After that I'll grab yo' ass. Welcome to a New Year and another 365 days of "blogging" from this group of sports insiders. And now, on to the wood.

Stud(s): USC and Boise St.
We all know what went down yesterday/last night. The Rose Bowl featured an amazing coach with a great young team versus a horrible coach and a very good team. Dwayne Jarret, abused the Michigan secondary like Ike Turner did Tina. It was truly deflating to watch. In the Fiesta Bowl, we saw the Hook & Ladder, the Statue of Liberty, a post-game proposal (nothing like some cheerleader poozle to celebrate a victory) and in my opinion one of the best finishes to a college football game ever. Yeah I said it. What more could you have wanted?

Dud: Terrell Owens
Not much to say about this. The fact that he tried to kill himself and failed at that (I know, I know...he overdosed on meds - accidentally) makes me somewhat sympathetic towards him. I'm more than willing to help him out if necessary in the future though.

Talk Around The Cooler:
Slowly, bits and pieces about the Darrent Williams shooting are coming out. Apparently Javon Walker was in the car with him when the shooting occurred. They were apparently on their way from Carmelo's party to Allen Iverson's (must....not...make...tasteless joke) party. Our condolences.

Nick Saban has taken issue with the press asking him about his impending decsion regarding the University of Alabama. He says it's a dead story. Considering it's a dead story, I don't think the press should make anything of the fact that he's meeting with U. of Alabama today and will give them an answer, has never fully denied interest in the position nor said he's coming back to Miami. Yup that's sounds like a dead issue. How dare the media make something of this "story."

Oh yeah. Bob Knight...unruly, bushy/fucked up eyebrows...blah blah blah, passed Dean Smith, excellent temper, 880 wins.

Quick Hits:
And the ESPN brainwashing continues. New name, still lackluster talent. Jim Mora, good luck applying for that U. of Washington coaching job, that happens to not be available.

Michigan Wolverines Make Great Argument for BCS Title Game

2007-01-01T20:24:00.000-05:00

There are three teams that I truly care about in sports: Georgetown Basketball, Michigan Football and the Dallas Cowboys. Given the date of this post, only one of these three teams have a chance of doing anything that will do away with my annual year-end cryerbating sessions.

So, here are my pouting, emotional, uncomplicated thoughts regarding Michigan football and tonight's Rose Bowl game.

1.) Lloyd Carr: You're a dick and never prepare your teams for big games

2.) Great way to show the nation you were the 2nd best team in the country.

3.) Final 2 games of the season, nearly 1000 yards given up on defense versus Ohio State and USC

4.) Total Yds gained for MICH: 326; Yards passing for Jim Bobby Joe Michael John David Booty: 391

5.) Girls I've "entertained" from the U. of Michigan: 2. This large sample size proves that even other members of the student body have low standards for performance.

6.) Like my man Eddy Curry, they showed no heart at all during the game.

7.) Michigan's Offensive line: Confused in the first half. Confused in the second half. Great fucking adjustments.

8.) Chad Henne has the pocket presence and mobility of Drew Bledsoe

Hard to complain about an 11-2 season, but given the way Michigan played today, criticism is warranted. Now, time to cryerbate to a commerative DVD of Desmond Howard Heisman Trophy highlights.

The Morning Wood - 12/29/2006

2006-12-29T08:28:00.000-05:00

Sorry about our lack of consistency this week adoring fans. Giddy is recharging his batteries by doing squats and eating tempura blowfish and Vza is busy stuffing stockings (unrelated to Christmas) and scouting real estate. We'll be back up to full strength and half-wittedness shortly.

Stud: Barry Zito
Well I guess it has to go to him. Are the Giants aware of his three year trends (nope, it doesn’t sound good coming out of my mouth. Bill James saying that)? Anyway, the move to the NL should disguise his fall off for the first couple years but I don’t like this contract at all. Two things: Imagine how many wicked sweet guitars Zito can buy now. And imagine Zito and Barry Bonds having a conversation about anything. No seriously. What are they talking about? Peter Frampton? Woodstock? White women?

Dud: Man, there are a lot of duds today. I’m excited.

Alyssa Milano
Probably should have waited that one out huh? So what he made you dress up in a Tim Hudson jersey and chew Red Man during fellatio? Imagine the rock you could be wearing right now.

The person that’s going to have to sow the veil that is supposed to cover Martina Hingis’ forehead when she gets married
Maybe the person will be able to borrow a ship’s sail or something. Wowza!

Bob Knight
He whiffed on his first opportunity to pass Dean Smith for the all time winningest NCAA men’s basketball coach. He will obviously get another win this season, but it has taken him 5 more years than Smith to reach this total, which is no small number. Not to mention that Pat Summit is truly the all time winningest NCAA basketball coach with 913 victories. Broads dig it when I mention things like this.

Talk Around the Cooler...
Well, I think everyone and their mother has named a Sportsman of the Year and there is an interesting group out there: Ladanian Tomlinson, Vince Young, Dwyane Wade, Drew Brees, Roger Federer, Tiger Woods. Let me say two things (which will probably be closer to five): Fuck David Eckstein. I’m so sick of people even mentioning him as a real athlete. He’s short, he’s white, congratulations, so is the dude that I call for systems help when I forget my password. He’s not getting any media shine. He should though (hell of a job Don). Two, I don’t necessarily like the extra factors that always go into these discussions: Dwyane Wade overcoming a poorly spelled first name, Vince Young recovering from apparently being a Wonderlic moron, Drew Brees singlehandedly draining the water out of New Orleans with a forward pass. I want utter dominance of a sport and for that, my choice is Roger Federer. I’m not even going to tell you his stats for the season. You can check them yourself.

Quick Hits:
Oh dear. I could easily make some joke about this being a tryout for the Bengals but I think we’re both better people than that. Right? Right. Resident Eye-tie expert Johnny Mac disagrees with Ohio State, saying that the main violation was that the meatballs weren’t made with bread blessed by the Pope that was left in partial sun for 4 days but rather constructed with bread crumbs. Well why don’t you stick your comments in your stupid little secret bowl and see if that solves the problem? Pussy. And his potential start has been downgraded to "probably not going to matter either way".

The Morning Wood - 12/27/2006

2006-12-27T08:14:00.000-05:00

Stud: Jeff Garcia
Sure, the numbers aren’t that great from Sunday: 15/23 for 238 yards with a TD and a pick. But Garcia has now led the Eagles to four straight victories and one win away from the NFC East title while T.O. continues to whine about a lack of touches in Dallas. Who’s gay now T.O.? This just in: Brian Dawkins looks like Wayne Brady.

Dud: Arizona Diamondbacks
The only thing in Arizona that should have an interest in Randy Johnson for anything is a retirement community. Are you aware that he’s 43 years old? That he doesn’t have a back any longer? That he had an ERA of 5 last year? If the Yankees are willing to pay half his salary and expect nothing in return, then do the deal but don’t start trading prospects for the Big Eunich. You can’t replace the likes of Russ Ortiz so quickly!

Talk Around the Cooler...
It seems that every year we slip a little bit deeper into a disgruntled world of sports hell, driven there by players that are empowered by GMs and owners to get away with anything they want. I understand that you want to harness the potential of these stars but sometimes all the talent in the world doesn’t translate into more success when you’re dealing with major A-holes. T.O. is driving Bill Parcells insane in Dallas, Ron Artest went from being the long lost Maloof brother to refusing to play for Sacramento; the list could go on and on. There is a difference between these idiots and the Allen Iverson situation in Philly: A.I. did request a trade but he never dogged it on the court or bad mouth the franchise to the press. That’s why he will succeed in Denver: it wasn’t A.I. that was the problem in Philadelphia, it was that the team sucked. I know it is tough for GMs to make the right call on some of these players but here’s some advice for you: once an asshole, always an asshole.

Quick Hits:
I can’t wait until Shaq says Phil has cooties. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwww! Pussies. Hufnageled! Yeah, he should really be blamed for calling plays under the assumption that the QB is NFL-quality. Jason Kidd was so upset he wasn’t even in the mood to beat his wife. That award wins Biggest Oxymoron of the Year.

Ken Griffey Jr. Likes Injuries

2006-12-22T11:22:00.000-05:00

If I could finger one person (???) as being one of the frailest athletes in my 25 or so years of existence, It would most definitely be Ken Griffey Jr. (honorable mentions go to Grant Hill and Anfernee Hardaway).

Apparently, Ken Griffey broke his left hand in a To Be Disclosed injury. My inside sources tell me he likely tried to pick up a fork and then shit went haywire. Whatever the actual reason for the injury is, I'm hoping it's better than these. I can only imagine this happening and Ken Griffey Jr. writhing in pain on the floor like a bitch.

The Morning Wood - 12/20/2006

2006-12-20T10:23:00.000-05:00

Stud: Amare Stoudemire
You say microfracture, I say macrosack! The manchild (is that his nickname, or Dwight Howard's, Greg Oden's, or all of theirs?) went for 28 and 10 in 28 minutes last night, leading the Suns to a 115-98 victory over the Raptors. Granted, he was being guarded by the physical specimens of RA-sho NESTER-ovic and Jorge Garbajosa (nicknames: childman), but Stoud has been tossing up ridiculous numbers while leading the Suns to a 15-game winning streak - something that no one seems to be talking about. He's shooting a mind-blowing, anti-Eddie House 63% from the field and averaging 18/8 in only 28 minutes of play. Watching the way he's come back from this operation after only a year of down time, I'm questioning all of your work ethics (we're going Euro on that last one).

Dud: David Stern
I know it's a couple days old, and we sort of touched on it yesterday, but shit, the number of games are ridiculous. Doesn't this type of thing happen on the reg in the NHL, and surely more often and on a grander scale in the MLB? Yet you're throwing out 15 games to possibly the game's biggest star, whereas you rarely see anything more than 5 given out in baseball? I think that there's an element of subtle racism here, kind of like when my colleague giddy goes into Macy's and buys some pleated khaki Dockers. I can't see why else there would be such a discrepency, and while I'll listen to the argument that there's no real barrier between the fans and players, making a melee more dangerous and thus needing to be severely discouraged, I don't buy it, especially because one such incident has happened in sixty years of NBA basketball, and that was sparked by the fans themselves. Not only that, but the suspensions forced the Nuggets' hand in the AI dealings. More on that . . . now.

Talk Around the Cooler:
While without the suspensions, the Nuggets probably could have pried Iverson away without giving up both of their first round picks this year - a consequence that Stern should feel ultimately responsible for - the trade is going to work out well for both sides. There is a lot of talk about how this isn't going to propel Denver into the West's elite, but I think that's exactly what it does. In this era of the game, we've never seen a team with two scorers capable of averging 30 points a game for an entire season. This isn't to say that they both will, but that scoring tandem is going to give opposing coaches an enormous headache. What team has two top-notch perimeter defenders? Really, we can't clone Trenton Hassell, people. While giving up the draft picks hurts, the Nuggets roster is already pretty crowded, with a solid mix of veteran talent, youthful potential and prostate specialists.

As for the Sixers, Andre Miller is a real steal. At around $9mil per, I'd say he's a pretty good value (weird thing to say), plus he'll be an unselfish distributor for Sir-Chucks-a-Lot and the most athletic man in the NBA. Given these three, plus their own draft pick (certain to be top-5 in an incredibly talented draft pool), plus the Haitian Sensation, Sammy D, they could be a playoff team next year. Yeah, I said it. Not only that, but they'll have money to spent (Joe Smith's expiring deal), plus two more picks later in the draft, one of which they'll probably be able to take a chance on a high-risk, high-reward guy. Huge coup by Billy King, if you ask me.

Quick Hits...
George Karl is my new favorite coach. Preach on! At least when he gets anesthesia, he'll finally have taken an effective shot this year. Ba-zing! This should sway the swing voters. You don't see Jerry Bruckheimer announcing which film he thinks should win an Academy Award. Roy Williams made the Pro Bowl. Pitiful. Ronde and Tiki Barber will be on the same squad, too. Man, they look alike. Because, well, they're twins. Not because...um...forget I said anything. Join Bode on his meaningless win tour.

The Morning Wood - 12/19/2006

2006-12-19T08:12:00.000-05:00

Stud: Peyton Manning
Peyton Manning...blah blah blah, no personality and 4 touchdowns...better than his always-moping brother, Eli...threw for 282 yards. Sells his soul for endorsments, blah blah blah, 3 of his touchdowns went to Marvin Harrisons. End of story.

Dud: Knicks/Nuggets Suspensions
No, not because I thought they were too harsh or not harsh enough, but because it's clear that both teams are better without those that were suspended. It's clear from one game that these suspensions won't have any impact. Is it any surprise the Nuggets beat the Wiz without Carmelo Anthony? Of course not. Similarly, look at how the Knicks rallied with key contributor Mardy Collins unavailable. These developments are akin to the Ewing theory - you know, that the Knicks would be (and were) better without Ewing on the court. Way to not shake things up, David Stern. One thing I'm amazed by coming out of this was that ESPN actually did an article on the Fantasy Basketball impact of these suspensions. (If you don't have Insider, I'm sorry). A couple notes about this fight: For all you people calling Carmelo a punk, you've all failed to realized that he hit/slapped/caressed/massaged Mardy Collins with so much force that his whole body pretty much recoiled from the impact - he wasn't running away. Nate Robinson's "put your dukes up" stance is as comical as it gets/I'm feeling his post-game Baby Gap attire. The Mardy Collins "you hit like a bitch" face is magnanimous. I wonder if Jared Jeffries beats up on Mardy Collins in his free time. My assumption is that people were holding Jeffries back, not because of the threat he posed to anybody else on the court/in the arena, but to save him from getting the shit beaten out of him.

Talk Around The Cooler:
All things considered, Terrell Owens is a pretty unique athlete. He's unquestionably one of the best receivers in the league, yet he also leads the NFL in drops. He's writes childrens books about sharing, but all he shares is his disdain for other receivers having passes thrown their way. He's an NFL player, yet he drives this orange beetle. Also, he admits to spitting on DeAngelo "Brown Sugar" Hall but then reneges on that admission once he finds out there's no actual evidence and he's been fined $35K. He's not a confused individual.

So...yeah, that Iverson trade to Denver, or Miami, or Minny. What's going on with that? Of course Billy King/the 76ers are saying they're taking their time. Translation: Billy King has fucked up the franchise so much the only card they can play is to trade the team's best player and hope that Billy King doesn't make another bad deal. And yeah, the 76ers (King) are asking for unreasonable shit that no competent GM would ever agree to. Oh yeah, the main reason Iverson can't be traded - it's because he's black.

Quick Hits:
He needs money. Ladies and gentleman, I introduce to you Mike Tyson's next opponent. So AI is second in Eastern Conference All-Star voting? What happens if he's traded to a Western Conference team?

The Morning Wood - 12/15/2006

2006-12-15T09:31:00.000-05:00

Stud: Frank Gore
Unlike Al Gore and his ridiculous lies about Earth being in trouble (he’s probably against the war too! Pinko! Let’s put more holes in Alaska than in the Colts’ run defense! Juneau what I’m saying?), this Gore has one honest platform: chewing up the yards. He rushed for 144 yards last night, and added 34 receiving yards and a TD for the potential NFC West champion 49ers?! (No seriously, they have a shot if Seattle keeps sputtering) He’s got over 1900 yards from scrimmage this year! Willis who? In a related story: Kevan Barlow sucks.

Dud: Bridget Moynahan
Obviously you have no clue who you were dating. Are you aware that Tom Brady is the best quarterback/teammate/spokesperson/son/brother/lover in the world ever? Are you aware of how handsome he is? That this guy has turned down more fanny pack pouzzle than you could possibly fathom? What was it that made you crack? His stoic leadership while ordering you a dinner that he probably wasn’t even going to have to pay for? The eye black that he refused to take off in the bedroom? Those pictures with the goat in GQ? You’re making the biggest mistake of your life sister. Feel free to email me when you stop crying, I don’t need to call Belichick midstroke.

Talk Around The Cooler:
My esteemed colleague Giddy mentioned the Duke rape case and wouldn't you know, there's more news! Talk about anyone's guess as to who is the father of that child. This girl was apparently a semen dartboard leading up to the night of the alleged crime. She stocked up on more genes than a hip Canadian. Sorry, sorry, I got a little bit lost there. America, this isn't a case about race. It isn't a case about class. There isn't even a case. DA Mike Nifong's handling of this case is the only thing criminal about the situation. Here's to hoping that the 3 Duke lacrosse players, even if they are probably pretentious, upper crust a-holes, get cleared before the trial even happens and Nifong faces some type of penalty for his behavior. Actually, let's hope that Nifong is the father of the stripper's child. I smell reality show!

Quick Hits:
ESPN.com should be faced with two charges of perjury for lying to themselves that anyone gives a fuck about this story. Kapowksi! Let’s lighten up people, he didn’t even bring them into a club. At this point, he’s just inventing tournaments to spite me. Make sure you scrowl down there for John Daly's summary of his relationship with his sort of ex-wife. Mrs. Vick has got to be proud. That whole Larry Anderson deal doesn't look so stupid now huh!

The Morning Wood - 12/14/06

2006-12-14T07:15:00.000-05:00

Stud: Lamar Hunt
The pioneering Kansas City Chiefs owner died last night of cancer at the age of 74. Here's what makes one a stud:

- Lamar Hunt has been inducted into eight different Halls of fame
- Founder of the AFL and one of the key figures contributing to the merger of the AFL and NFL
- Credited with coining the term Super Bowl
- Founder of MLS (this is where Americans try to play soccer, but it hasnt quite materialized)
- Founding partner of the Chicago Bulls
- Founder of the Dallas Texans (now the Kansas City Chiefs)

Dud: Billy King
This has nothing to do with any recent developments, it has more to do with the fact that this seriously incompetent GM is bungling yet another personnel decision with the 76ers. Why haven't the 76ers won with Allen Iverson? Well maybe it's because the best player that's been on his team was probably a young Jerry Stackhouse or former Defensive Player of the Year, Dikembe Mutombo. Billy King has consistently brought in overpriced and underperforming talent (Chris Webber, Keith Van Horn, etc.), done little to better the personnel and now finds himself inevitably getting less in return for what he's giving up. And instead of making this decision now, would it have been so hard to trade him during the offseason, preventing turmoil within the locker which has unsurprisingly coincided with a 9-game losing streak (and counting)? People that have half a brain, would think so. Love AI. Hate Billy King.

Talk Around The Cooler:
In news that ESPN hasn't covered at all this week, it's official that Daisuke Matsuzaka and the Red Sox have come to an agreement. Lost in all of this is that the Red Sox somehow thwarted Scott Boras' attempts to create an international incident. A few things about this situation. Don't call him a fucking "ace," don't say the deal was a "bargain", don't say the Sox "did it their way" in coming to this deal. The fucking coverage and incessant hyperbole surrounding every aspect of situation is sickening. This fucker hasn't done one thing yet, so don't fucking ascribe value to his deal until he actually does something on the field and has an opportunity to make a decision on his own. Meaning, when he's not taking advice the devil peering over his shoulder.

In news that's bittersweet, the sexy Lindsay Davenport has stated she has "no plans to play again" following the birth of her first child. Sweet: no more Lindsay Davenport on my TV screen. Bitter: Davenport's bringing another mutant into the world. God bless the father of that thing. Love truly knows no bounds.

If you're Vernon Wells, you have a big decision to make. Do you take a fair offer from the Blue Jays for a contract extension, thereby showing your commitment to the team or do you take your services to a team that can actually compete in its division? And where people outside of AL East fans and Toronto will know about you. Being the consummate professional that I am, I'd suggest Vernon say "fuck you, eh!" to the Blue Jays and take his services elswhere.

Quick Hits:
I'm there if this happens. Just imagine all the "talent" that will be "on the field of play" (that was so corny). The Duke case never ends - nor will my hatred of that school, especially their undertalented/overrated "great white hopes."

The Morning Wood 12/13/2006

2006-12-13T08:38:00.000-05:00

Stud: Ladanian Tomlinson
So it’s a couple days late but the other LT is running wild this year, breaking Shaun Alexander’s record for TD’s in a season, a record that lasted…one year. Hmm. Although that shouldn’t take anything away from this man’s season. 26 rushing, 3 receiving, and he’s even thrown for two. His multi-faceted game makes it all the more difficult for Marty Schottenheimer to find ways to under utilize him in the playoffs.

Dud: Tracy McGrady's back
I don’t see any real duds from last night so I’m just going to give it to this man’s back. McGrady’s DNP (back) is becoming a yearly event like a Manny Ramirez trade request or a Jerry Jones face lift or an erection for this guy. Aren’t you 27? It’s more sad than anything else as TMac is always good for two or three of those quarters where he drops 25 on some dude’s head and ESPN freaks out and shows it in fast forward (which is kind of cruel when you think of how difficult it must be for Stuart Scott to follow the action). Oh well, at least Houstoners can watch the slow and subtle domination of “Kiwritecheck?”

Talk Around the Cooler:
AI wants a trade, AI wants a trade. I think the 76ers really dropped the ball here by not getting this done in the offseason, although that shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone who has watched them hand out ridiculous contracts to one dimensional ball players (you (yes, they're still paying him), you, and definitely you) and bring in Mr. Tyra Banks, even though he has knees made of out pinewood and silly putty. The trade offers were better then because Drunky McChairman Ed Snider hadn’t admitted to the world that AI was not going to play for the franchise ever again and now your season is completely in shambles because you’re dealing with this. People are actually missing the Eric Snow years! P.S. I don’t want AI on the Celtics.

Quick Hits...
Best defense for this: It’s Montana, what the fuck else is there to do? All I hear is “when’s Daisuke signing?” and “where’s AI going?” when the real question people should be asking is “how good looking is Matt Leinart’s baby going to be?” Eric Gagne signed with the Rangers yesterday. His one year deal could be worth up to $11 million if he hits certain incentives like "actually pitch in a game", "own more than two shotguns", "remember the Alamo" and of course "don't make a fan bleed by throwing a chair at them". Gabe Kapler retired today and I can only assume that this will be forever remembered as “The Day that pink hat-wearing groupie band wagon bimbos’ vaginas went dry”. Too much?

The Morning Wood - 12/12/2006

2006-12-12T10:56:00.000-05:00

Stud: Devin Hester
Kind of ridiculous, but the stud rook returned another two kickoffs for touchdowns last night while leading the Bears to a 42-27 victory over the team formerly known as The Greatest Show on Turf. The 94- and 96-yard scampers might put this guy in the running for ROY, even though he has more TD returns (6) than tackles (5) on the season. While Devin sites Deion Sanders as his idol/mentor, it's still unclear whether or not it "must be the money." With Hester taking a little pressure off of gunslinger heir-apparent Rex Grossman, RG was able to get his quarterback rating into multiple positive digit territory. This is good, because Mushim Muhammad was starting to get a little bit uncomfortable and self-conscious about that commercial he and Rex made about voting for each other for the Pro Bowl.

Dud: Scott Boras
This man has moronic, soul-less balls of steel. He is demanding "well in excess of $100 million" over five or six years from the BoSox for rookie Daisuke Matsuzaka because that's what "free-agent pitchers who are 26 and have Matsuzaka-like ability" get in free agency. Um, Scott, I'm pretty sure the only pitchers who made even close to that kind of scrilla per annum were Roger Clemens, Mike Mussina, and Andy Pettite - guys who might have credentials that are just a little bit more impressive than an wildcard who has never faced MLB competition. So he struck out some dudes from China and Chinese Taipei in the WBC. You know who else could have? That's right. This isn't to say that I don't think Mats is going to be solid, he just shouldn't be represented by some dickhead who says things like "In Japan, he's known as a national treasure. Here, he will be known as Fort Knox." Scott, enjoy the ninth circle of hell, zone 4.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Kudos to David Stern for swallowing his pride and ditching the composite ball in favor of the one that had worked fine for the last fifty years. After stars such as Dwayne Wade, Dirk Nowitzki and Steve Nash continued to gripe, the last straw came with Jarrett Jack's affirmation that he "loves it." The new ball was apparently giving the players papercut-like lacerations on their finger tips, something the NBA apparently didn't figure out after their extensive "testing," which included Steve Kerr and Mark Jackson heaving 3s with minimal athleticism for fifteen mintues. I think that's actually 75% true. The switch will be implemented on January 1st, though I can't see the rationale behind not doing it immediately. Let's hope that this is the last we hear of this story.

Quick Hits...
While Marvin Lewis should be embarrassed, and while I don't condone drunk driving, blowing a .10 with the legal limit of .08 is without question the least egrigious of the Bengali follies. Nice story, weird headline. More weird money. At this rate, Patt Rapp will be demanding 5 years, $55 million. Freddie Adu was dealt to Real Salt Lake on the same day that Jerry Sloan won his 1,000 game. What a great time to be a Mormon.

The Morning Wood - 12/08/2006

2006-12-08T08:45:00.000-05:00

Stud: That Suns/Nets game
Isn’t Steve Nash perfect for a high scoring game? He is a high percentage shooter, an amazing passer, and he doesn’t play a lick of defense. It’s the best. Anyway, the Suns outscored the Nets after two OTs 161-157. This is all the more impressive because the game featured these two, who could kill backboards and rims just by up-faking. Nash (42 pts and 13 assists) and Jason Kidd (38 pts, 14 assists, 14 boards) were the two standouts. And just because it feels relevant, Stephon Marbury is awful. The last time I scored this much unopposed scoring, I was being recruited to play football for the University of Colorado. Someone check the expiration date on that joke: it smells a little off.

Dud: Bun in the Oven Leslie
I don’t know why but this offends me as a sports fan (even though, as we all know, the WNBA barely qualifies as a “sport”). Maybe I’m misogynistic (maybe?), but I just can’t really adjust to the concept of losing a player due to pregnancy. Injuries yes, drugs sure, but Leslie is on the IR with “zygotitis”? Swollen uterus? I’m sorry, I just can’t take a league seriously that can lose players to birthing. Aside from that, I hope the pregnancy and birth go well for Lisa. The baby should be good looking, especially if you actually believe the people who say that Leslie has “model looks” rather than the people who say she has a “Barbaro facial structure”.

Talk Around the Cooler:
I liked Barry Bonds’ appearance at the winter meetings, especially since he was smiling. His teeth are actually the only white thing that he doesn’t accuse of being racist on a daily basis. Did his appearance have anything to do with the Giants moving quickly to sign him to a one year, sixteen million dollar deal? I’m not so sure. Even though there was talks of a mystery team (there’s an agent with the last name Borris too?) out there looking for Barry’s services (which apparently was the Cardinals, who would have been a nice fit for Barry (especially with the blinders they usually toss on in regards to performance drug usage, AHEM)), it seemed like the Giants were the only team for him. It reminds me of the Seinfeld episode (you know, the one where Kramer was probably thinking the N-word throughout the entire thing) at Putty’s car dealer when Seinfeld says to Elaine and Putty that “clearly no one else can stand you”. And that’s the way it is with Barry and the Giants. No other team would be as willing to ignore and even accommodate Barry’s petulance as San Fran is. But with this contract, they’ve bought themselves one of the most awkward scenarios: how to celebrate Barry’s 756th homerun if MLB isn’t going to endorse it. Frankly, I can’t wait. This could reach “The Office” levels of awkwardness with Barry, his son, his wife, and his mistress circling the field holding sparklers while people half applaud. Exciting!

Quick Hits...
Wait, a Notre Dame team is able to beat a ranked team? Is this like the “and-1” for overweight GMs? Congratulations to Willie Parker for setting the Steelers’ franchise record for rushing yards although I feel like I should at least get some type of credit as there is no way that he would have accomplished it if he hadn’t been on the team I’m facing in the first round of my fantasy playoffs. Since when are punters so tough? With Jake Delhomme’s status in jeopardy for this Sunday, Chris Weinke could start for Carolina. Or die of natural causes.

The Morning Wood - 12/07/2006

2006-12-07T11:09:00.000-05:00

Stud: Mike Piazza
The Oakland Athletics signed the 38-year-old "catcher" (possibly a triple-entendre) to a one-year, $8.5 million contract yesterday. According to everyone's favorite saberdork, Billy Beane, Piazza will be DHing 99.9% of the time, which, given their 162 game schedule, should mean that he'll never get behind the plate. He takes over for Frank Thomas, who recently threw a pair of Wranglers on, a Levi's jacket, grew some facial hair and signed w/Toronto. While Mike might not be able to duplicate The Big Hurt's 39/114, look for him to improve on his 22/68 now that he won't have to worry about not throwing baserunners out. Oakland is exactly the kind of place that embodies Piazza's laid back, free-wheelin', switch-hitting attitude, so expect to see a reincarnation of the ladykiller of old.

Dud: The Kansas City Royals
Screw parity. In their neverending quest to tighten their stranglehold on the league's worst franchise, the Royals traded away the live-armed, 22-year-old Ambiorix Burgos to the Mets for SP Brian Bannister, who's coming off a season-ending injury. Should work out well. It does not stop there, however. They're reportedly thinking about tossing Gil Meche a 4-year, $45 million contract. That's Gil Meche at 11 per. Gil Meche of the 4.65 career ERA. This boggles my mind. I'm not sure I'd give him $11 mil over the entire 4-year deal. Mark Grudzielanek is your top position player, and you're tossing $11 mil to Gil Meche? Gil Meche! I can't stop saying his name. How much is Barry Zito going to make a year? What's wrong with everyone?

Talk Around the Cooler:
Why push buttons? Why serve Skip Bayless another 2500 words on a silver platter? I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and take all the T.O.-bashing with a grain of salt, but sometimes it's tough not to think that this guy is a complete loon. He appears to enjoy success on the field, but off it, he seems to have a serious masochistic streak.

Quick Hits...
If the Packers have any sense, they'll send Favre to this guy for the operation. Larry Bird is 50 today, which makes me feel insanely old. Who's ready for the Scalabrine era? Speaking of eras, what defines one these days? Have they found the only way they could reduce interest in this game?

The Chop Block

2006-12-06T12:03:00.000-05:00

Every week (hopefully), we will be featuring photos that have been cut, pasted, altered, and rearranged to address the Sports Environment. Attached are the first two examples:

The Morning Wood - 12/06/2006

2006-12-06T10:42:00.000-05:00

Stud: The V Foundation
This is a cause that trumps all sports-specific endeavors. The V foundation announced yesterday that it will begin donating all its direct donations to cancer research. No jokes here, just praise.

Dud: Hollis Thomas
The Saints DT was suspended yesterday for violating the NFL's steroid policy. And the suspension wasn't the Shawne Merriman "stark naked bent over in the bathroom injecting yourself with a concoction of monkey testosterone and bull saliva" violation, this was a "Hollis Thomas has asthma and one of the inhalants in his inhaler apparently is banned by the NFL" violation. Kudos to the NFL for exercising sound judgment and reasoning.

Talk Around The Cooler:
Barry Bonds and the planets orbiting his dome have shown up at the Winter Meetings, meaning a couple things: his roid rage is at its peak and he'll manhandle a GM or two (a la Jeff Kent) if they don't give him what he wants. Not one fucking team is really interested in the chore of having him around. In a perfect world this guy would disappear from the baseball landscape as quickly as Sammy Sosa somehow forgot to speak English during the Congressional hearings. Beisbol beeeeen berry berry gooooood to meee!!

The Red Sox signed J.D Drew. They signed Julio Lugo. They hope to sign Matsuzaka. So about $150M invested this offseason so far without addressing one glaring need – a closer. A suggested promotional day for next year: Julio Lugo Night: Any fan assaulting their significant other while entering Fenway gets their choice of a Red Sox Ice Pak or a Brett Myers Bobblehead doll (first 10,000 fans only)

Quick Hits:
Bernie Kosar – Miami Coach? Not a good fit in my opinion. The Yankees and Andy Pettitte are supposedly close to a new deal which really confuses me because I thought Roger Clemens made all of Pettitte's career moves for him. A nice little analysis of the offseason MLB moves .

The Morning Wood - 12/01/2006

2006-12-01T07:02:00.000-05:00

Cash your checks son, it's the first of the month!

Stud: Flea Flickers
I still remember using this play in Tecmo Super Bowl with the Vikings. It’s effective son, especially against an overly aggressive defense, which the Ravens have proven to be on the field and on the streets. TJ Houshmandzadeh’s 40 yard TD reception was the only big play in an otherwise low key rainy game, keeping the Bengals playoff hopes alive, up until the point someone takes out Carson Palmer’s knee with a questionable tackle.

Dud: Tony Parker
He’s having a great year, averaging around 20 points, 5 assists, and 3 rebounds and the Spurs are looking sharp at 11-5. So why is Monsieur Parker listed as a dud? Because congratulations son, you get one vagina for the rest of your life!! And let’s just stop pretending that these guys didn’t all hit that while you were dating her. Also, ESPN.com, shut up with the whole “not desperate anymore” article title. And don’t do the “spur of the moment” thing. I’d rather you just talked about Nicolette Sheridan’s Adam’s apple. I’m personally excited for Tim Duncan’s best man speech. Just because I found it.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Bud Selig announced that he would retire after his contract runs out in 2009. I’d have to expect that there won’t be a lot of people banging on his door, begging him to stay for a couple more years. Although baseball has definitely grown exponentially in terms of profit, Selig’s reign as commissioner has been defined by a lack of a backbone. I personally think that baseball’s profits would have grown whether Selig was commissioner or if he just stayed under the rock he crawled out from. Selig’s low moment was probably when he decided to end the 2002 All Star game in a tie and his legacy will probably suffer as more stories and information about rampant drug use comes to the forefront. But enough about Selig, who is going to be the next commissioner of baseball? I would have to say that my first pick would be Derek Jeter, even though he would still be playing. He’s a great player, in fact that best defensive shortstop in the 21st century. He has certain intangibles that would translate well to the league. I don’t know what the intangibles are, but I do know that they would be a positive. Plus he’s a handsome guy. Jeter in ’09! Either him or Obama.

So ESPN.com had Kobe Bryant on its front page yesterday, wondering what is wrong with his knee and why he’s missing a quarter of his dunk attempts this year. So it’s completely natural that he goes in against the team with the best record in the NBA and drops an uberefficient 52 and gets a hug from Phil Jackson. What is my point here? Two things mainly: One, let’s not start worrying about players that are prime time. I’d rather focus on the fact that Ricky Davis sucks now. And two, I’m not sure if I really like or find it annoying when players get called out on something and then go out and toss up a superb performance as a grand “so there”. What does this really say about a professional athlete’s normal level of motivation? I’m not calling out Kobe specifically because he certainly has more than enough motivation (I saw the Nike ads) but this seems to be something that is happening all the more frequently. And I don’t think I like it.

Quick Hits...
If the NHL had fans, this would probably cause them to lose some. Wait wait wait, this wasn’t even for an Xbox 360? Couldn’t these two have had a more relevant competition, like who could go longer without wearing adult diapers? He’s still got it.

Bill Belichick is better than you...

2006-11-30T14:05:00.000-05:00

Bill Belichick could have invented football if he wasn't focusing his attention on making the atomic bomb.
Referees ask Bill Belichick if he would be willing to accept penalties called against his team.
Halftime in a game is determined when Bill Belichick decides that he is bored with being the smartest person outdoors and that he wants to go be the smartest person inside a building for a half hour.
People make fun of the way Bill Belichick dresses, but I bet you would also like to wear something comfortable if you had invented the world in six days.
When Bill Belichick’s wife divorced him, she gave the classic “it’s not you, it’s me” line. But she was telling the truth.
Some naysayers mention that Bill Belichick's career record with the Cleveland Browns from 1991-1995 was 36-44. But what they fail to mention is that Lucifer was thwarted from taking over the world. Doesn't really show up in the wins column but I would say that was a big one.
Bill Belichick doesn’t blaspheme. He just says “Me Damn It!”
Every week, Bill Belichick has to list himself as doubtful because who knows when he will have to die for the sins of the world again.

The Morning Wood - 11/30/2006

2006-11-30T10:46:00.000-05:00

Stud: Rex Grossman
I love everything about this article. Rex Grossman be clownin', son! I'm kind of glad to know that Rex got a little fired up and gave the DBs a taste of their own medicine. I think Darren Sharper articulates Grossman's celebratory tactics best: "He was kind of beating his chest, talking trash, this and that. 'You guys are this!' Whatever, Whatever. Some curse words, stuff like that." Move over Shakespeare. You guys are this? That shit is col'-blooded. Since when are DBs incapable of taking an earful without getting all huffy-puffy? That's right, I said huffy-puffy. And if the Vikings are trying to get in Grossman's head, they're going to have to make a reservation, b/c Rex has booked that room for himself for the last six weeks, and appears to be staying indefinitely. He likes the complimentary continental breakfast, and is especially partial to the apple turnovers. Get it? Turnovers???!! Zing! So go'head, Rex. Get ya talk on.

Dud: Albert Pujols
Cheeeell, son. The Cardinal star sounded off to the Spanish media yesterday, saying that "someone who doesn't take his team to the playoffs doesn't deserve the MVP." Que ridiculo! I always looked at Pujols as one of the good guys in professional baseball, but this has soured my opinion. Those seem like pretty straightforward, whiny, sore-loser words, and this is coming from a guy who just won the World Series. Who cares about the MVP? He should get back to enjoying his championship with his teammates. Plus, if he's in the Dominican Republic, who's watching David Eckstein at Chuck E. Cheese? It sure as shit better not be Jeff Weaver. Prioritize, Albert.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Art Shell is losing it, but I can't really blame him. I'm always up for a good conspiracy theory, and this one even has Shell using terms like "character assassination." He's been trolling that sideline for too long with that Xanax OD look on his face, and getting this out in the open has to be good for both his soul and whatever is taking up the space where Al Davis's soul used to be.

Michael Strahan got a bit testy with a reporter who was asking him about earlier comments he made criticizing the best half-route runner in the league, Plaxico Burress. Strahan wanted to see the reporter when he asked him a question, b/c of course you "look a man in the eye before you try to kill him or make something up." What? It's really amazing when the Giants' locker room can make Jeremy Shockey look like a sane, soft-spoken member of the team. This should end well.

Quick Hits...
UNC took down a Greg Oden-less Ohio State in a very good college basketball game last night. The way these announcers are talking about Oden, I'm going to be disappointed if he averages anything less then 40/30/15 while playing blindfolded. Turns out that it was just a mild case of the overrateds. In a related story, Ricky Manning Jr. has called out the entire University of Miami football team for being "geeks." Ah, only in the NFL can a convicted steroid user be embraced. 14 games into the season and the Celtics have already taken 3 years off my life.

The Morning Wood - 11/29/2006

2006-11-29T09:47:00.000-05:00

Stud: Michael Redd
45 points, 8 rebounds and 5 assists last night in a 109-105 victory over the Lakers last night. The rebounds and assists were an added bonus. Kobe had 27, and I doubt was too thrilled to be shown up like that. God forbid he decides to take out his frustrations on someone (white women - head for the hills!).

Dud: This doesn't come as a surprise but today it's official. Priest Holmes will finish the season on the Physically Unable to Perform list alonside Ben Roethlisberger, Randy Moss, Mike Vanderjagt, Jake Delhomme, Edgerrin James, the Atlanta Falcons wide receivers and the Detroit Lions.

Talk Around The Cooler:
So, not to be outdone by the genius Red Sox front office, the Yankees have reportedly won the bidding rights to another Japanese Pitcher, Kei Igawa for about $26M. What does this all mean? Sushi at the concession stands, videos of Kabuki theater on the Jumbotron, throngs of geishas in the dugout and about 16 bukkake-themed victories. I unfortunately see this working out very well for the Yankees. I also don't believe that Matsuzaka will be twice as valuable as Igawa. I also think the Red Sox front office is a clueless about what they're doing as the Ying Yang Twins are about their coonery.

If there's one thing about Jeremy Shockey, he's an athlete that doesn't suffer from foot-in-mouth syndrome. That being said, he's essentially guaranteed a victory against the Cowboys this weekend. Romosexuals UNITE! And what's with players on down and out teams guaranteeing victories? Roy Williams, Braylon Edwards, the list goes on. Shut the fuck up and play.

Great thinking being exhibited by the Texans this week. Why? They recognize they need another wide receiver. Two, they understand that the NFL turns a blind eye to steroid use (see: Carolina Panthers - Super Bowl). So, who do you bring in? A world class runner that's tested positive for steroids multiple times who hasn't played organized football since 10th grade. BRILLIANT!!!

Quick Hits:
If you're the destructive type, take a gander. Brett Saberhagen, please shut the fuck up. You cannot be serious.

Giddy's Tuesday Morning Rant

2006-11-28T11:49:00.000-05:00

I’m pissed. Why? I don’t know – I was fucking born that way. Deal with it. A couple things I’d like to get off my chest.

Scott Skiles/Ben Wallace – The Bulls are 4-8 and you two dumbasses are bitching about fucking headbands and taping ankles? Give me a break. And for all you fucks immediately anointing the Bulls as stalwarts in the Eastern Conference – I do hope you realize that teams like the Bulls and Pistons won championships because they had a consistent offensive presence around Wallace and Rodman. Deng, Hinrich, PJ Brown and Gordon. That’s some serious offensive punch, isn’t it? Supposedly defense wins championships, but you need to score points too. Eighteenth in the league in scoring is not going to cut it.

Mike Vanderjagt – No, I’m not pissed the Cowboys cut him. It’s the 2.5 million dollar bonus this motherfucker gets to keep that annoys me. If there were a chance to see Albert Haynesworth repeatedly use Vanderjagt’s dome to try to kick field goals, I’d love to see it.

Atlanta Wide Receivers – Yeah, Mike Vick is at times inaccurate (understatement), but for years I was under the impression that receivers were supposed to catch the ball and not drop it (see: Rae Carruth, FredEx). Not all the blame can fall on Vick when you have receivers that can’t get open and are confused about their role on offense. Somebody please let Roddy White, Michael Jenkins, Ashley Lelie, et al know that they aren’t cornerbacks who need to defend passes thrown their way. I can assure you this stress is not good for Michael Vick’s herpes!

ESPN – Whores. Please stop relentlessly fellating the following: Tom Brady, Brett Favre, Ray Lewis, Tony Romo, Bill Belichick. More names to be added later.

Delusional Fans – Fans of these teams get a nice “fuck you” from me. Why? Because they're in denial about the mediocrity of their football teams, have ridiculous gripes about how their team deserves [Insert praise, ranking, etc] and constantly make excuses about why their team should be where they aren't while ignoring the reality of their team's situation (run-on sentence). Notre Dame, Florida, Louisville, Rutgers, Boise State. I'd throw West Virginia on this list but they were gracious enough to lose to South Florida Enjoy the bowl season to prevent us waisting time on the merits of their season.

Scott Boras' Parents - Can't believe two loving people came together to create such an unfortunate scar on humanity. Honorable mention goes to the parents of: Tim McCarver

The Morning Wood - 11/28/2006

2006-11-28T10:20:00.000-05:00

Stud: Joseph Addai
Shaun Alexander did have an amazing night with 201 yards, but he didn’t single-handedly win a fantasy football match up for me! Yosef ran for 171 and 4 touchdowns on Sunday night, hopefully eliminating the platoon that T.Dung was working with Domenick “Hit the” Rhodes. An added bonus is that Addai looks as if he is as old as Carl Winslow.

Dud: Mike Vanderjagt & Jake Plummer
White people suck! Vanderjagt successfully lost his touch in a playoff game against Pittsburgh, his mind in the offseason, and his job midway through the season. My bet is that Tony Romo will just start kicking field goals as well because everyone knows he can do anything he puts his mind to. Jake Plummer’s season last year was a lot like a George W. Bush press conference: if you don’t ask him to do too much, he might look okay. If Georgie is able to stick to nodding his head and waving and Snakey is allowed to hand off 35 times a game and occasionally roll out and hit a tight end or something, you almost start to feel comfortable having them in charge. But you always know deep down inside, if someone starts discussing nuclear warfare or Iraq or if the running game isn’t working and the team falls behind 14-0 early, the true essence of the loser will return. Now Jake has lost his job to rookie Jay Cutler and this is going to be a high gain/loss move by Coach Mike Shanahan. I can’t see it working out for the Broncos this year and I can’t see it working out for the viewing public either. Where are we going to get to see that ridiculous picture of a mustachioed Jake Plummer now?

Talk Around the Cooler:
It seems like it is almost inevitable that Manny Ramirez is done as a Boston Red Sock and personally, I’m sad. I’m pissed, I’m angry, and I’m worried. I know Manny could be a handful and that he has requested a trade out of Boston every offseason (he was probably requesting trades out of Boston when he was still with Cleveland) and that it has been said that he quit on the team last year. I also know that he was as close as you could possibly get to a guaranteed of .300, 40 HRs, and 125 RBIs from a right hand hitter this side of Albert Pujols. I never once saw Manny as the type of TO-like malcontent whose antics would destroy a team. Sure, he drove Theo, Terry, and Larry Lucchino crazy but did his actions hurt the other players? I don’t think so. I’ll miss him for his offensive production, his adventures in left, but also for the overall circus atmosphere that seemed to constantly revolve around him, from wearing a hat with a radio attached to it during a game to taking a piss break in the green monster. We’ll miss you Manny.

Quick Hits:
Another thing that will never happen again: me believing that you’ll ever become an effective passer in the NFL. Imagine what he would have been paid if his ERA was under five last year. Everyone here should just calm down and remember that both teams are good enough to beat the Bruins. I think that this all revolves around hair envy.

The Morning Wood - 11/22/2006

2006-11-22T08:50:00.000-05:00

Stud: Justin Morneau
Just in case you didn’t notice, Justin Morneau won the AL MVP yesterday and I have to tell you, my penis is soft. He definitely had a solid year (.321, 34 HRs, 130 RBIs) but MVP? Yeah? I can’t remember once saying “oh shit, I wish the Red Sox still had Mike Myers, here comes Morneau”. I’d also like to mention that this guy really dicked me over in 2005 when I thought he was going to be my late round sleeper at 1st and then he decided that ’06 was going to be his breakout year. Also, writers, what the fuck does “Justin Time” mean? It’s a really stupid play on his name, so feel free to just shut up instead. No Justin Case, Justin Time, Justified, none of that, it’s been done. The two MVPs were paid a combined $700,000 last year. Derek Jeter spends more than that just for in-season black market abortions. No good? Half black market abortions?

Dud: Antonio Bryant
Here’s an idea asshole, or maybe several suggestions. If you’re going to be drinking heavily, rent a cab or get one of your militant Muslim friends to drive you around. But if you’re going to drink and drive, how about keeping it to the speed limit instead of over 100 mph? And definitely don’t don’t DON’T bring the Lamborghini out man. Are football players morons? Did I really even need to just ask that question? When is this guy getting traded to the Bengals? You mean this wasn’t discussed in that infamous 49ers training video? You warn the players about loose women and not about driving a Lamborghini over 100 miles per hour while intoxicated? Schmucks.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Oh, I’m Tiger Woods, I’m tired from playing golf all year, I’m going to skip the Players Championship. Okay fine, I thought it was a little bit ridiculous for a person that seems to appreciate the tradition of the game as well as the competition but a man’s got to get his rest in. But now it seems like this fucker is playing every weekend at places like the “Greater Belarus Invitiational” and the “Tehran Open”. Shit, it seems like he’s playing two tournaments a week. So what’s the story? You’re million dollar plus appearance fees make you a little less tired? Make you kind of ignore the jet lag? You sicken me. I’m angry this morning.

Quick Hits:
“Oh yay, now I can buy some puberty”. The Packers signed Todd Bouman yesterday because Aaron Rodgers is done for the year, breaking his foot by stepping in one of those pot holes left on the field by a Brett Favre bounce pass. I would rather have Todd Bouman as my starting QB if I was the Packers. Just like the White Sox 2005 World Series victory, there is no proof that Juan Uribe had anything to do with a shooting that took place in the Dominican.

The Morning Wood - 11/21/2006

2006-11-21T10:52:00.000-05:00

Stud: Steve Nash
The tight-cropped Nash hit a game-winning trey at the end of regulation to propel the Suns to victory at Golden State, 113-110. A huge shot in the context of the game, but even bigger when you consider that it kept the Suns from falling to 3-7 on the year to an improving-but-still-mediocre Warriors squad. This went along w/the Canucks 19 points on 8-14 shooting and 15 assists. Talk about efficiency, eh? We'll overlook the fact that he let Monta Ellis drop 31 on him. That's just the French side of his Canadian ancestry shining through. When reached for comment about his fellow teammate's outstanding performance, Boris Diaw was quoted with a muffled "mmaaaagh" through a mouthful of steak-frites.

Dud: Nate Robsinson
Oh snap, yo! Nate Robinson blocked Yao Ming last night! Frankly, this does nothing for me. Yao didn't even really jump, not that he can, and I'm pretty sure he got hacked. Yes, the 5'9" sprite's jumping ability is impressive, but it's not going to make up for that incredible .89:1 assist-to-turnover ratio. That's horrendous. Oh, and he played 23 minutes last night without scoring a point, a statistic usually reserved for another leaping superstar, Brian Scalabrine. And Nate, I'm still pissed off about that half-hour dunk contest bullshit. If I had my way, you would spend the rest of your existence in basketball purgatory with the Birdman after that fiasco.

Talk Around the Cooler:
So Ryan Howard won the NL MVP award yesterday, beating out Albert Pujols by 41 points. I'm assuming there's going to be a lot of opinion pieces written about how this was shit, that Pujols only struck out 50 times to Howard's 181, had a better batting average, gold glove, etc. I don't want to hear any of it. They're both deserving of the award, and when you look at Howard's gawdy second half numbers that he threw up there when the Phillies needed him most (.355, 30, 78), it's definitely a legitimate vote. There shouldn't be any comparison to the Barkley over Jordan, Nash over Shaq votes, where a league so clearly dominated by one player chose to go in a different direction for the sake of variety. Howard deserves the award, and that's that.

Quick Hits:
Bronson Arroyo made one MVP ballot. That writer should have his writing/thinking/living privelages taken away. What qualifies as "news" these days? I like this move a lot. It's like they resigned Kenny Lofton, only to triple the money. Shrewd move, DiPodesta. The Jazz are 10-1 and the residents of Utah are so happy that they're celebrating by not drinking and having dull sex.

The Morning Wood - 11/16/2006

2006-11-16T12:41:00.000-05:00

Stud: Joe Girardi and Jim Leyland
You know…managers of the year? We can only assume this would have been Jim Leyland’s frame of mind had he not won the award. And in the most ass backward situations in a long time, the other award winner won’t be setting foot in a dugout this upcoming season. Goes to show the Marlins are great evaluators of talent. Egotistical owners are some of the most intolerable people ever. And then there's Tim McCarver.

Dud: Kansas
They lost to Oral Roberts, which also happens to be the very apt nickname for Dukie, Josh McRoberts given his sexual exploits on campus we’ve been told. When a school calls a victory following its 2nd game of the REGULAR SEASON one of the biggest regular season wins “in school history” that’s not a lot of good history we’re talking about. And most likely, it’s forgettable history. Kudos to Bill Self – you’ve been able to accomplish shit at Kansas except for setting expectations high and under-delivering.

Talk Around The Cooler:
OJ Simpson. One word – genius. What better way to make light of a crime that you committed than detail other ways you would have committed the crime? Some people say that with the revelation that OJ’s penned a book about an alternative homicide in addition to the news that FOX (surprise, surprise) will air two separate hour-long interviews with the Hall of Famer turned actor turned philanderer, turned murderer signals the downfall of this company. I’d beg to differ.

Refusing to be outdone by his NFL counterparts, the Jail Blazers’ Zach Randolph has decided to put in a bid for Sexual Assault Charge of the Year (Sports category). Either you grow up as an idiot and money/responsibility helps you mend your ways or you’re named Zach Randolph, Ron Artest or Stephen Jackson.

Quick Hits:
Following in the footsteps of another great O.J., O.J. Mayo will be attending USC. I for one can’t wait to see who he murders about 15 years from now…pass me the popcorn. Kenyon Martin – meet Grant Hill – he is your future. A-Rod is a bitch. No, he really is.

The Morning Wood - 11/14/2006

2006-11-14T08:35:00.000-05:00

Stud: Steve Smith
This pint sized pass catcher was once again the offensive star for the Panthers last night, receiving for 149 yards and a TD against Tiki Barber’s brother. The Panthers move to 5-4, putting them only a game behind the overachieving New Orleans Saints. I think they’re turning into one of those teams that could win out and scare the poo out of everyone in the playoffs. Either that or they’ll somehow drop five straights games to the Raiders. Anything could happen when Jake Delhomme is getting his Creole on.

Dud: Jon "I'm five foot three of wicked F'ing tough" Gruden
I was at least willing to ignore your stupid little “someone stole my juice box and it’s really ruining my nap time” scowl that you rock from the kick off to the last whistle when your team was somewhat good. But they suck now, and I’ve had enough Gruden. You want to know what scares me more than that scowl? Babies, Kleenex, those dogs with all those wrinkles, grandmothers. I’m beginning to doubt that you even won a Super Bowl. Go screw yourself.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Two dudes that look like they have hit spas more than they’ve been hit are going to finally face off. Oscar “Of the” Hoya (feminine) and “Pretty Boy” Floyd Mayweather will square off in May 2007. There are some interesting side plots to this fight. Mayweather’s estranged father is De La Hoya’s manager. Mayweather has claimed that he will retire after his next fight and De La Hoya has also been considering walking away. Then of course there’s the battle if the nickname Golden Boy is more or less gay than Pretty Boy. Start reserving your seats now!

Quick Hits...
Baseball sources have stated that the Red Sox dropped $42 million to get the chance to sign Daisuke Matsuzaka. You think that is pretty large money but the truth is that the Red Sox have been offering $42 million to any person who would make Matt Clement “disappear” since May. With the Redskins choking on it, Mark Brunell will be benched in favor of first round draft pick Jason Campbell. This will of course give him more time to bitch about Medicaid, the government, the weather, hip hop, and Mexicans. Wait, that might be my grandmother. Joe Girardi, you just inspired a group of inexperienced rookies to play well over their heads, which will almost definitely win you the NL Manager of the Year award. What do you want to do next? Be a broadcaster for Yankees games on the YES network. Really? Hmm. Well, good luck carrying Susan Waldman’s bags/strap-on.

The Morning Wood - 11/13/2006

2006-11-13T11:51:00.000-05:00

Stud: Houston Dynamo
On a day filled with weird-ass NFL games, some of which made me happy (Jets over Pats), some of which made me sad (the Giants' second half implosion), I think that your MLS Cup champion Houston Dynamo deserves some lime, especially given that the story is probably buried on page 13 even at the Houston Chronicle, behind the daily Bonzi Wells police blotter. This merry group of footballers equalized after trailing in overtime against the New England Revolution, then went on to win in a shootout. It's good to see that the MLS has lasted this long on the continued support of illegal immigrants.

Dud: MLB teams' decision-making
Some really horrific moves were made over the weekend, which marked the beginning of free-agent signing season. First off, the Orioles chose to "secure" their "pitching staff" by trading for Jaret Wright, the Yankees right-handed "pitcher." While the Yanks will eat $3 million of his contract, Jaret plans on eating $3 million worth of crabcakes, which will surely add to his already formidable amount of facefat. Not to be outdone in the shitty-moves department, the Mets resigned Jose Valentin, ye of limited range and poor plate-discipline. At least he's only 37-years-old. Finally, the Cubs decided to continue their winning tradition by resigning two of their players, Aramis Ramirez and Kerry Wood. While the Ramirez move is probably pretty solid, even if they slightly overpaid, it's about time to either teach Wood to throw left-handed or let him go.

Talk Around the Cooler:
How about the Bengals/Chargers game? 1000 yards in total offense? Fairly unreal. Also unreal is how Philip Rivers has stepped into that starting role and been a success right from the beginning. Maybe the bolts learned there lesson from previous experience. Wha happen??!!! The game included amazing performances by LT and Ocho Cinco, while Ocho Quatro was the victim of one of the dirtiest hits I've ever witnessed, which should land Marlon McCree an enormous fine and possible suspension.

Quick Hits...
James Blake took down Rafael Nadal at the ATP Masters Cup in Shanghai. The real winner here, however, were the Asian ladies looking for a sweet gunshow. Butch Davis will be coaching the UNC football team next year. In a related story, an emergency vote yesterday in Chapel Hill passed a measure to increase the local police force by 50%. The Redskins apparently trust a man named "Bubba" to handle their medical needs.

The Morning Wood - 11/10/2006

2006-11-10T10:20:00.000-05:00

Stud: Rutgers Football
You have to hand it to these guys: where did they come from? The Scarlet Knights are now 9-0 after scoring 21 unanswered points on #3 ranked Louisville. Not to look over their next two games, but the final game vs. Big East rival West Virginia on the road seems to be the only thing standing between them and a perfect season. Now all the major networks get to make references to “Scarlet Fever” and what not. Bullshit. You know they’re not even going to mention that it is an exotoxin-mediated disease caused by Group A streptococcal infection. Ridiculous.

Dud: JD Drew
Scott Boras is a bit of a douche bag. It kind of blows my mind that Drew is opting out of a contract that is guaranteed to pay him $33 million dollars the next three years after having one solid season for the Dodgers. He’s had two years in his career where he’s topped 140 games. He gets his first 100 RBI season and now he’s somebody? I personally am rooting that there is no market out there for him and he ends up signing for less money. Don’t worry though, he’ll sign with the Red Sox somehow and I’ll have to eat all these words with a horseshit reduction in the next two months.

Talk Around the Cooler:
I have been silent about this for quite some time because I figured that a lot of the complaining about the new ball in the NBA just had to do with the fact that 75% of the league are still children emotionally but I can’t keep silent any more. I must speak out! You want to know why? Because I have had back to back days where a player on my fantasy team tossed up double digit turnovers. Stern, you are killing me man. And no, I don’t appreciate the jokes about “that’s an unusual double double”. I demand that we switch back. Screw the cows! No no, not like that West Virginia.

Quick Hits...
Craig Biggio will return to the Astros and needs only 70 hits to reach the magical 3,000 plateau, all but assuring him a spot in Cooperstown, even though his career average will be less than 100 hits per season. Plaxico Burress called the Chicago Bears CBs “very beatable”. In a related story, Brett Myers’ wife. Doc Gooden was released from a Florida Prison yesterday. Hmm, how do I put this? I would keep getting your fan mail forwarded there Doc. I have a feeling you might be back at some point.

The Morning Wood - 11/09/2006

2006-11-09T06:50:00.000-05:00

Stud: Bud Black
What do you get if you turn John Lackey into an actual fantasy stud? A managing job, that’s what! Bud Black benefits from Bruce Bochy’s blunder, grabbing the Whale’s Vagina job. Question: do managing candidates submit resumes? Does Bud Black have something that says:
2005
Coached Jarrod Washburn so well that the Mariners actually gave him a 4 year contract for $37.5 million dollars. Seriously.

Kept Bartolo Colon under 300 pounds for the first month of the season.

Showed ability to coach without conflict by allowing Francisco Rodriguez, Kelvim Escobar, and Brendan Donnelly to wear those goggles even though they looked like such douche bags.

Anyway, congrats Bud.

Dud: Fabricio Oberto
22 points. 10 rebounds. Still my dud. Yeah, that’s right. This guy has officially become my least favorite NBA player (Newble, you’re starting to move out of my top five). His game is disgusting, he looks like an ogre, and he plays for the Spurs, who are the biggest collection of unemotional homos since Congress/Backstreet Boys. So average a double double this year, see if I care. I’m still going to hate you.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Evander Holyfield is contemplating a return to the boxing ring at 44 years old. I am hoping that no one allows him to get licensed in a state to do this. Hang it up! You had a solid run but at this point, there are people in the local cemetery with more brain activity. I could knock you out at this point. Don’t make me.

There is now a fourth investigation into Pat Tillman’s death in Afghanistan and it does not paint a pretty picture of what happened that day. It’s tough to say who is to blame as it seems that there were several Rangers that fired at Tillman, thinking he was an enemy. I do know that the U.S. Military and Government are to blame for the inexcusable cover up that has caused unceasing pain for the Tillman family. In the end Pat Tillman’s unselfishness in joining the Rangers is clouded over by the selfishness of the U.S. leaders’ lies.

Quick Hits...
Larry Brown’s settlement with the Knicks was supposedly 18.5 million dollars. I don’t get it: I’m a stubborn prick too, where’s my money? The bids are in for Daisuke Matsuzaka and an announcement of which team won his rights could come as early as Friday. The first order of business for that team should be to get this guy a nickname: I can’t take typing his name out any longer. Jeff Gordon just married a Belgian model who reportedly used to date Brady Anderson. Man, that’s got to be tougher for Jeff than some guy stepping up to a microphone on a Berlin stage after this guy performed. This sentence couldn’t be any more gay.

The Morning Wood - 11/08/2006

2006-11-08T10:34:00.000-05:00

Stud: Heath Shuler
The 34-year-old former NFL quarterback (a term used ever so loosely) upset eight-term Republican incumbent Chuck Taylor in North Carolina's 11th Congressional district. Talk about an interception (snarf). His platform included what he referred to as "mountain values," which apparently include an anti-abortion stance, anti-gay marriage, gun rights, a change in Iraq policy and a career 15/33 TD/INT ratio. I don't know about you, but I think that a man with a 49.2% completion rate should not be legislating who can and cannot unite in marriage. I'm guessing the people of North Carolina suffered through some inexcusable football analogies over the course of the campaign. After leading the Redskins to 3-13 and 6-10 seasons, he'll surely be able to succeed in Washington this time around. On a serious note, we do like Heath's pro-environment stance.

Dud: Lynn Swann
Given today's stud/dud combo, it seems that NFL and political success are inversely proportional. Swann was smoked in his bid to become governor of Pennsylvania. So they'll let him win their state a Super Bowl but won't elect him to their state's executive branch? Bullshit. What, are his qualifications as Chairman of the US Presiden't Council on Physical Fitness and Sports not good enough for you Pennsylvanians? He's also a director on the boards of the Heinz Co. and Wyndham International, meaning he knows his ketchup and his hospitality. Combine those two and you've got a freakin' party! But no, the Pennsylvanians chose political experience over high-sodium tomato products and over-chlorinated pools. Your loss, keystone state.

Talk Around the Cooler:
In other sports/political news, Sacramentonians (not a word) rejected a tax increase that would have funded a new arena for their beloved Kings. Instead, they're satisfied with this center of urban excitment. Ron Artest has threatened the entire city.

Quick Hits...
I'm convinced that this has something to do with karma. 79-year-olds don't remain in hospitals as a precaution; they remain in hospitals b/c they're 79-year-olds. You can't tell me that Wise wouldn't disapprove of this complaining. Least exciting quarterback controversy ever.

The Morning Wood - 11/07/2006

2006-11-07T09:52:00.000-05:00

Stud(s): Utah Jazz
This ecclectic group of ballers went to 4-0 with a hard-fought victory over the formidable Detroit Pistons last night. This was a fantastic, fantastic game. How do I know? Because the free preview of NBA League Pass has temporarily ruined my life. Very tough not to watch these games. Anyway, this contest was full of great offense vs. even better defense, right down to the final play where Mehmet Okur swatted a streaking Richard Hamilton layup. Really exciting stuff, and Rasheed only picked up one technical, which is nice. The Jazz seem to have a nice, balanced offense with lots of off-the-ball movement that is giving teams a lot of trouble. Watch them the next time they're on national TV, which will probably be never.

Dud(s): The Raiders' Offensive Line/Andrew Walter
I couldn't even bring myself to watch any of this game after midway through the second quarter. I'm not sure whether it was the sieve of an offensive line that the black+sliver were trotting out there, or Andrew Walter doing his best Drew Bledsoe impression, but combine those two and you get a sloppy-ass football game. I'm pretty sure they sacked him three times in a row at one point. This isn't to say that their defense is any less to blame. Who lets the most anemic rushing offense in the league scramble for 200+ yards? Martin Grammatica might be able to lay a pancake block on Warren Sapp these days. I never thought this could be possible, but I feel bad for Randy Moss.

Talk Around the Cooler:
I'm not sure why we're doing this, but because we are, I don't want to hear any of the participants complaining about fatigue next fall. If guys like Mike Myers and Brian Schneider are on the team, everyone clearly volunteered, so they've lost all whining privelages. Also, there's a team in Japan called the Nippon Ham Fighters, which is funny in many ways, but would be funnier if they employed Gabe Kapler.

Quick Hits...
It's election day, so get out there and vote. And make sure you're informed, because we know what sort of tragedy can happen otherwise. This list is seriously a joke, and managers need to be held accoutable. Omar Vizquel hasn't made a play in the hole since 1998. Ben Gordon dropped 37, fueled by my lavish praise of his game. If they're looking for an answer, I'm guessing that this isn't it, although I think I know what is. After all, fathering illegitamite children gets old after a while.

The Morning Wood - 11/06/2006

2006-11-06T15:50:00.000-05:00

Stud: Florida Gators
No, not the football team (although they did clinch a berth in the SEC Championship game following a win this weekend). But the Gator basketball team featuring the player you love to hate, Joachim Noah. College basketball's 1st AP poll was released this week with the former champs (returning all 5 starters) ranked #1. In completely unrelated news, just want to say fuck Duke.

Dud: Pittsburgh Steelers
And you can't blame this one solely on Roethlisberger (he did have 433 passing yards). You know those teams that manage to get your hopes up then manage to fuck things up at the most inopportune time? That team is your 2006 Pittsburgh Steelers. Hines Ward's fumble at the goal line yesterday was emblematic of the Steelers season, as were Santonio Holmes' two fumbles, as were Roethlisberger's three interceptions, as were...

Talk Around The Cooler:
Old Man River broke his leg during PSU's football game against Wisconsin on Saturday. Me being in the spiteful mood that I'm in today, I can't help but hope that would be the last ever memory of Paterno on the sideline. Unfortunately, he won't deny himself the boners he gets seeing young men prance all over the field; he's slated to be back on the sidelines sooner than later.

Yesterday proved that "parity" in the NFL does not exist. What does exist is a collection of average and bad teams competing against each other. In a quick recap of yesterday's games, T.O. is again under a suicide watch after dropping a fucking gift from the Romobanger himself. Tom Brady threw four interceptions last night but the media will make excuses for him - I mean, he is the best quarterback to ever play the sport. The Ravens defense looks as good as it did en route to their Super Bowl XXXV victory. Yeah, I said it.

Despite having only one testicle, Lance Armstrong managed to complete the NYC Marathon. Talk about a huge accomplishment while being a man down.

Quick Hits:
Hopefully War Emblem will be an inspiration to other gay athletes. The Rangers selected a new manager today, I wonder how long it'll take getting used to not having a pitching staff. YES - equal opportunity ogling!

NBA Preview: Chicago Bulls

2006-11-03T17:10:00.000-05:00

Now Anderson, you're sure you don't feel that lump?

Changes:
Jim/Jon Paxson made a few key moves in the off-season to strengthen what was already the NBA's most intimidating defense, the most notable of which was signing Big Ben Wallace. The Frightening One should be a significant upgrade from oh ye of unrealized potential, Tyson Chandler. They also picked up P.J. Brown, who, after looking at his career numbers, must take some sort of anti-aging, mediocrity-sustaining pill. I really like both of their draft selections: Tyrus Thomas and Thabo Sefolosha. Thomas is going to give them 20 stat-filled, high-energy minutes a night, whereas the Swiss-born Sefolosha should give them 15 precisely-timed, chocolate-filled, highly-neutral minutes a game. Both are long and athletic, whatever that means, and should fit right into the Bulls' scheme.

Style of Play:
I'd say it's very akin to the Chicago Bears gameplan: play insanely good, smash-mouth defense that you depend on to produce most of your offense. Brian Urlacher? Ben Wallace. Rex Grossman? Kirk Hinrich. Thomas Jones? Ben Gordon. Some fat offensive lineman? Mike Sweetney. Eurotrash placekicker? Viktor Khryapa. Alright, that's enough. Analysts have been skeptical of how far the Bulls can go without a pure scorer, but I think that will turn out to be one of the strengths on the team. Gordon, Hinrich, Deng, and Nocioni are all capable of going for 20 on any given night, and no one has a big enough head to get upset if they don't get 15 shots in a certain game. They've got some great roll players in Brown, Chris Duhon and Adrian Griffin. Scott Skiles knows what he's doing, and should develop a solid very effective rotation with the deepest bench in the league.

Impact Player:
I drive real fast, call me Ben Gor-Donnn! The emotionless-faced killer is one of the few guys in the league that can seem to get his shot off how he wants, whenever he wants. People (re: assholes) have been saying that this team doesn't have someone that they can depend on late in close games, but Gordon is probably one of the 10 most clutch guys in the league, and his game is insanely fun to watch. Plus, he was born in London, which is cool. And he's got his own Nike shoe. I'm going to stop, as I think I'm developing some sort of mancrush on him.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
I'd like to do anything with Ben Wallace, mainly because it would give me free-reign to talk shit to whoever I chose. Our arrest would most likely be a direct result of that aforementioned quality, with me starting some sort of brawl just to see Ben clonk two guys' heads together, like Andre the Giant in The Princess Bride. What, you don't remember that? Piss off.

Prediction:
I'll get crazy here. Watch me. I like the Bulls for a solid 57-25, and a trip to the NBA Finals. Yeah, that's right. They're pretty much everything that MJ's Bulls weren't, but they have the talent and chemistry to get there.

The Morning Wood - 11/03/2006

2006-11-03T09:49:00.000-05:00

Stud: Louisville Football
In a state and at a school where football is always second to mint juleps, Louisville's football team is making news. With last night's victory over Incest University, the Cardinals took a huge step forward in staking their claim to be the team to lose to OSU/Mich. Congrats on the future loss, guys.

Dud: Byron Leftwich
And he hasn't even done anything bad/wrong - except for not being able to be an effective quarterback. Jack Del Rio's seen what we've all been thinking - that Garrard provides the Jaguars with an opportunity to do a lot more on the offensive end. Leftwich is the slowest QB this side of Drew Bledsoe, which is sad to say - considering the significant difference in age between the two. Yes, Leftwich has heart but that can only get you so far. Ask this guy.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Who woulda thunk that a living, breathing bobblehead doll could possibly win a Gold Glove?

So, I'm kind of thinking this "no tolerance" rule in the NBA might have an impact - a very large impact in a very important game down the road - and the league/ref who makes the call will be lambasted for it while it was definitely the right decision by the Messiah. Bitching has become as much a part of watching an NBA game as dry, nappy hair has become a signature look of Rasheed Wallace. BRUSH YOUR FUCKING HAIR!

When you coach 4 high profile Olympians who've tested positive for steroids under your watch, there might be something fishy going on. To quote the venerable Terrell Owens:"If it walks like a duck and talks like it duck, it's Jeff Garcia."

Quick Hits:
If there's a Hall of Fame for this shit, there should an accompanying Hall of Fame for "Things That Shouldn't Exist." Bernie Kosar and "celebrity" need not be used in the same sentence. Spend time with your fucking FAMILY - honestly, home must be a living hell for this guy.

NBA Preview: New Jersey Nets

2006-11-02T18:00:00.000-05:00

Jason Kidd enjoys a bubble bath with his wife, twin daughters and Kevin Mench.

Changes:
The Nets have four rookies joining their 06/07 squad: Marcus Williams, Josh Boone, Hassan Adams and Mile Ilic, who Nenad Krstic is in talks with about borrowing one of the "i"s from his last name. That's two Connecticut alums to be paired with a third, Cliff Robinson, who could have fathered one or both of the rooks while he was at UConn. I like the Marcus Williams pick almost as much as I hate the Josh Boone selection. Williams is going to turn out to be one of the top 5 players from that draft, and while I can see the need for an inside banger on this team, could anyone ever really take this mug seriously? Good thing you got rid of those goofy cornrows and replaced them with those goofy tendrils. They also signed gun-for-hire Eddie House, who will be joining his 7th team in 7 years (The Tony Massenberg Ratio) and should provide a nice shooting-, but not necessarily scoring-, punch off the bench. We here at SU have used our state-of-the-art imaging equipment to capture Lawrence Frank's future reactions to House's fadeaway 27 footers.

Style of Play:
With Jason Kidd, Vince Carter and Richard Jefferson, it's obviously a guard-heavy, run-and-gun team. Jefferson plays sort of like a '00 version of VC, whereas VC now plays like the wiley 29-year-old veteran that he is. Tough to get on him for it though, b/c he's still putting up solid all-around numbers. Kidd will push the ball at every opportunity, and Marcus Williams will ease his load so that Kidd can spend more time finding custom-fit hats for his son. The team lacks any sort of inside presence, though Krstic has a nice outside touch and should have a breakout season for a skilled Euro bigman (meaning 15 pts, 5.5 rbs a game, and 4.3 whiny looks to officials).

Impact Player:
Even at the age of 33, it's Jason Kidd. Everyone feeds off his energy, and he still sees the court better than anyone in the league. He should be able to impart some of his knowledge on the young Marcus Williams, who will store it on his new iBook that he got at a "crazy discount, yo."

Player you would most like to be arrested with and where:
I don't know about you, but I think behind that Stanford mouth, high waistline, pudgy body and bright smile lies a derranged Jason Collins. I could see the two of us enjoying a couple white wine spritzers and doing something crazy - run a red light, jaywalk, take the tags off some mattresses - who knows? The possibilities are endless.

Prediction:
I've got to say, with that backcourt, I think the Nets are going to be pretty tough this year, as long as they all stay relatively healthy. With the emergence of Krstic, along w/the addition of Marcus Williams, I see a 49-33 record, good for fourth seed in the East.

NBA Preview: Memphis Grizzlies

2006-11-02T16:23:00.000-05:00

"I only came here to do two things: wear tight long-sleeved shirts with cartoon guys on the front and kick some ass and I bet you can tell which is one is left on my agenda"

Changes:
Bryant Reeves is not going to walk through this door! The Grizzlies once again made the playoffs (3 years in a row) and once again failed to win a game (3 years in a row). They traded away Shane Battier, one of those guys that does a little bit of everything (with ridges in his hair) and spun that into Rudy Gay and Stromile Swift. Ugh, Stromile Swift. In high school, Stromile was voted most likely to disappear for three quarters of a NBA game. And Most School Spirit. Rudy Gay has two options as far as I can tell: become this guy or become this guy. I don’t trust his work ethic or heart. Finally, patriotism is the pits! Pau Gasol, fresh off his finest season as a pro, broke his foot playing in the meaningless world championships (and I’m not just saying that because the U.S. team finished in a 3rd. It all becomes meaningless when an athlete seriously injures himself playing in his offseason) and he won’t be around until the beginning of 2007.

Style of Play:
The Grizzlies have a good mix of three point shooters (Mike Miller, Eddie Jones, Damon Stoudamire, Chucky Atkins) although none of them are truly scary. Pau’s spot will hopefully be filled by Hakim Warrick, who brings more athleticism but less Spaniardism and a less polished all around game. Stromile Swift, Dahntay Jones, and Warrick are all capable of taking your breathe away with their athleticism at times, and that time is usually once on the 2nd Tuesday of every month.

Impact Player:
The answer here would be Pau but he is out half the season so I will have to say Mike Miller, the reigning 6th man of the year. Miller has really refined his all around game and I’d have to say that some of that has to do with the fact that he no longer plays video games with Tracy McGrady for 7 hours a day. (Hell, maybe he does. Hell, who am I to call him out? In fact, I love it. I hope he does play video games with McGrady 7 hours a day. I hope they fishbowl their room, and eat massive amounts of Pizzeria Uno Pizza while drinking Yoohoo. Topless. With winter hats on). Anyway, he will definitely be a key for this team in the beginning of the season until the Spanish Fly returns.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
I’m going with my boy Jake Tsakalidis. Imagine him in a cop car. He’s 7’2”. We would be hanging out at Justin’s in Atlanta probably with the Dungeon Family (not limited to, but definitely including him, him, him, and him) and we’d all get a little bit too crunk on the purple stuff and tha pooolice would run…wait, what, I thought he was from Georgia. They’ve got one of those in Russia? Really? Umm, okay, we’d get arrested for cutting someone named Ivan in the bread line.

Prediction:
I think the loss of Battier and the Gasol-less period will stop them from reaching last year's win total. I see them getting hot down the stretch and finishing at 42-40, just out of the playoff picture in the Wild Wild West.

NBA Preview: New York Knicks

2006-11-02T10:45:00.000-05:00

This is the look I give Cat when you know...it's time to uh... do what we do. Gets him every time.

Changes:
The Knicks made not one change this offseason that would benefit the team. And based on the handiwork of Zeke, we're absolutely positive he planned it that way. Additions include Shit Exhibit A, Shit exhibit B and then this first round steal, which elicited responses from middle school dropoust such as this. As seen with Golden State, it's the coaching change that's the big offseason questionmark. After trying to coach a group of completely uncoachable players, Larry Brown was relieved of his duties and in comes Isiah to right the ship. Which is to say - to let the inmates run the asylum. Should be fun to watch.

Style of Play:
I guess the best way to put it would be reckless abandon. Taking a quick inventory of the, roster we have: Cat Mobley's estranged lover, Lupe Fiasco, Q Richardson and Mr. Payless Shoes himself, Starbury. Oh and don't forget Nate "who gives a fuck if it took me 14 attempts to dunk" Robinson...wow, that was a hard nickname to get out. These are all shoot only guys. The oft-used phrase "pass-first" doesn't really apply - passing is not an option or consideration. This is the advent of 1 vs. 5 basketball, people - get ready for a serious dearth of ball movement on the offensive end. The Knicks big men include a guy with no heart - Eddy Curry, a young talent (not sarcasm) and Jared Jeffries who's out the next 6-8 weeks with a fractured wrist - pussy. Look for the Knicks to be aggressive on offense and pitiful on defense and in the rebounding category.

Impact Player:
In all honesty, no player on the Knicks (aside from Channing Frye) would likely have a positive impact on any other team in the league. That being said, Stephon Marbury is/should be this team's impact player. After all the back and forth between he and Larry Brown, one would think that he will "flourish" with a coach that will let him play the way he wants to - selfishly.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
Eddy Curry. The crime - assault and battery. We're having a good time at a bar when all of a sudden a fan comes over talking shit to curry about his heart problems. Out of nowhere Curry pulls out defibrillators and starts shocking people while yelling out, "who's got no heart now, motherfuckers!"

Prediction:
This team is hard to predict. Lots of "talent" at the guard positions but there are too many me-only players on this team for anything to work out too well. 35-47. A nice improvement, but not enough to save Zeke's job.

The Morning Wood - 11/02/2006

2006-11-02T10:06:00.000-05:00

Stud: Red Auerbach
I would just like to show some more love for Red Auerbach, a man who is known by every basketball fan in the world but not fully understood. He was a man that understood that winning and team were the two most important things in sports, regardless of the color of player. Listening to his former players share their stories and admiration for the man, I can’t help but think about how the game has changed to a more selfish individualistic entity. Here’s to hoping that his name and legacy aren’t forgotten.

Dud: Rasheed Wallace
Umm, Rasheed, this could be a problem. After the NBA tossed a zero tolerance policy in for post whistle whining (and thank God, it was starting to get out of hand. Players were starting to look like 6 year olds that had missed their nap times), Wallace was the first victim of the quicker Ts, getting tossed midway through the third quarter of last night’s game. He didn’t score a point. Ouch.

Talk Around the Cooler:
So the big talk on the free agent baseball market is Daisuke Matsuzaka, the pitcher who led Japan to a WBC championship victory last spring. I honestly can’t blame the teams because the alternatives are these two, who should really not even be allowed to sign in the AL, this folk singer, and Jason Schmidt, who is good but not necessarily healthy. A blind bidding process will occur and teams will be tossing up to 50 million dollars (which will buy a lot of PS3s for the owner of the Seibu Lions. Who’s going to get him? The Mariners? The Yankees? Pardon me if I’m skeptical, but I’ve seen how tough it is to adjust to a different league.

Quick Hits...
Guillermo Mota was suspended 50 games for using performance enhancing drugs. I’m appalled by this, but not as appalled as I would have been if I had to watch him pitch all season long like he was throwing in May and June. The University of South Carolina will be limited to the amount of rooster crows they play during home games, according to the SEC. However, they will not limit the amount of times announcers call Steve Spurrier the “old ball coach” or “an offensive genius” despite what he did with the Redskins. Boise State moved to 9-0 last night, keeping their BCS hopes alive, as well as their hopes that someone East of the Mississippi might be able to name one player on their team.

NBA Preview: Milwaukee Bucks

2006-11-01T18:44:00.000-05:00

Congratulations, Kobe Bryant. You have ruined my life.

Changes:
Management decided to go out and get a couple standup character guys in Ruben "The Human Police Blotter" Patterson and Charlie Villanueva, who should definitely be willing to defer to Michael Redd and Mo Williams. Along with Patterson, the Bucks also added two more former Blazers in Steve Blake and Brian Skinner, meaning they are employing the seldom-used strategy of signing guys from a terrible shitshow of a team to improve your own squad. They're currently in talks with Chris Dudley. Without a first round pick, they chose David Noel in the second round. I guess I like this pick?

Style of Play:
Well, let's take a look at their starting five: Mo Williams (shoot-first point guard), Michael Redd (shoot-first shooting guard), Ruben Patterson (shoot-anyone-that-looks-at-me-funny small forward), Charlie Villanueva (huge chucker of a power forward) and Andrew Bogut (pass-first, only because he can't shoot Australian center). For the love of Blue Edwards! Coming off the bench is Bobby Simmons, a one-dimensional jumpshooter. Oscar Robertson is rolling over in his grave, and I don't even think he's dead yet. Seriously, no one can rebound, Patterson is the only one that can D up, and I would be surprised if Charlie Newhouse even makes it over half-court for defensive sets.

Impact Player:
Fuck it, I'm going to say Charlie Bell. That's how horrific this team is. Michael Redd should be the choice here, but when you play 40 minutes a game and average 4.3 boards and 2.9 assists (career high) after getting a touch on basically every posession, you don't deserve it. He's 6'6" and he blocked 5 shots all season! Earl fucking Boykins had a higher blocks per game average. So I'm choosing Charlie Bell. Four years out of the league, and he put together some very nice performances towards the end of last year, including a triple double. He went to Europe and learned how to play basketball, which is something that everyone else on this team needs to do.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
Ruben Patterson, pretty much anywhere. He's probably on a first-name basis with the officers. For some reason, writing about this team is making me really angry.

Prediction:
I can't see this team winning 25 games. I just can't. Lynn Greer has made the roster as a 27-year-old rookie. I don't think he even started at Temple. Dan Gadzuric is still employed by a professional basketball team, and I'm fully convinced that he lacks the coordination to tie his own shoes. Steve Blake actually does it for him. Congratualtions Milwaukee, you might just have a shot at Greg Oden, who should turn Andrew Bogut into the serviceable backup that he is. 20-62.

The Morning Wood - 11/01/2006

2006-11-01T10:39:00.000-05:00

Stud: Chicago Bulls
Wow. I mean, wow. I don't want to brag about my clairvoyant skills, or make snap judgements about a season after one game, but I'm about to do both - check out the Morning Wood from 07/05/2006, Talk Around the Cooler. Yeah, that's correct. Anyway, they looked freaking amazing last night: incredible interior defense, lots of pinpoint shooting, fantastic off-the-ball movement, and Tyrus Thomas looks like he's going to be an incredible sparkplug off their very deep bench. Even P.J. Brown appeared to have some life in him. With Kirk Hinrich's new contract, his midwest flava is going to be tough to contain. I look forward to watching this team win 55 games this year.

Dud: Miami Heat
I think that Miami's situation can be summed up in one statement: This guy got fifteen minutes of burn for our defending champions. They really need to straighten out their point guard situation, too, b/c as goofy as Quinn is, I feel confident in saying that he was clearly more effective that Gary Payton, who has gone from this to this. Antoine Walker, after shooting 28% in the preseason, opened up the year by going 0-6 from downtown. Only one player reached double figures. It literally made me nauseous, but not as much as their ring ceremony, where an announcer somehow made Michael Doleac and Jason Kapono sound like All-Stars. And I'm going on record as saying that Jalen Rose is anything but the answer to their problems.

Talk Around the Cooler:
In the evening's other contest, Phoenix looked like the class of the league in the first quarter, dropping 41 on the youthful Lakers, including 7 short-haired Steve Nash assists. After that, they employed the Jamal Crawford technique and let the Lakers shoot 55% from the floor en route to a 114-106 victory for LaLaLand. I was sort of impressed by LA, but it didn't help that Amare played 12 minutes and Boris Diaw went on an offseason all-fois gras diet. They could really use a legit big to make a few defensive stops, and if Amare doesn't progress as hoped, they could be in a little bit of trouble.

Remember when the soul-less wonder, Skip Bayless, trashed a 17-year-old Andrew Bynum about being a #1 pick, ridiculed his myspace page, and called him a "tragic clown?" Well, after that 18/9/5 night with some really beautiful moves, I just hope Skip doesn't hurt himself inserting his foot in his mouth.

Quick Hits...
You can't really tell from this picture, but Vlad Radmanovic's mullet is so amazing that I think he'll be getting a few shifts on the Kings' penalty killing unit. Seriously, there's no question that a blowdryer is involved. Please be on the lookout. I love the TNT studio crew, but they better not allow Magic Johnson to become a regular. He makes Tim McCarver look like a MENSA member. Omar Minaya must be drunk-dialing contract extension offers.

NBA Preview: Golden State Warriors

2006-10-31T20:52:00.000-05:00

"No Adonal, it's okay, I got it. Go fix me a sandwich or something"

Changes:
The big offseason news was not new personnel on the court, but the return to the sidelines by Don Nelson. As part of Nelson's deal, the Warriors will have one Gatorade cooler on the court at all times filled with Nelson’s cocktail of choice during the game. Rudy Tomjanovich is jealous. Chris Mullen is getting a straw. They drafted Patrick O'Bryant who conveniently fractured his foot on a shamrock at an offseason scrimmage. And perhaps hoping to find another talented Euro, Nelson and crew drafted Kosta Perovic, a 7' 2" Croatian who's yet to see one second on the court. BRILLIANT! In the "worthless trades that fail to benefit either team" department, the Warriors traded away Derek Fisher for Devin Brown, Keith McLeod and Andre Owens. I guess this transaction was more a measure of which team wanted their former players least. Da Juan Vogner has returned to the league after...well, I don't know what the hell he was doing but I still can't find my wallet! Unfortunately, he didn't happen to grow 4 inches in his time away, so he's still a under sized guard who can't pass.

Style of Playng:
Baron Davis, when not on the bench with back issues and aging at three times the normal rate of any other human, will dribble the ball up the court and immediately toss up a 32 foot jumper, Troy Murphy will get the rebound and kick it out to Jason Richardson, who will attempt a 1080 from the free throw line, Murphy will come down with that rebound and will throw the ball through the transparent Michael Dunleavy. Adonal Foyle will be told to stop laughing by the team dentist, who is installing his fifth set of railroad tie braces. Seriously, watch them this year.

Impact Player:
J-Rich. This guy averaged 23.2 last year, good for 13th in the league. He's coming in to the season banged up but look for Richardson to establish himself as a premier shooting guard with another solid season. Let's just all collectively hope that he hasn't lost his spring. Wow, a shooting guard that made it from Michigan State. Hmm.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
I would love to get arrested with Adonal Foyle, Mike Dunleavy, and Troy Murphy. The crime would be robbery: are you aware that the Golden Showers owe these guys a combined $144 million? I'm not joking.

Prediction:
I seem to recall some people rocking preseason chubbies for the Warriors last year as hot playoff pick. Keep this in mind at all times: people tend to be assholes. This just doesn't feel like a team that can reach .500, even with Nellie (no Timbo production) guiding the way. 39-43. On another prediction level, I plan on having a massive smile on my face when K.G., Tim Duncan, Amare, and Dirk (when will this list end?) show up on the "Mike Dunleavy is a four" tour

NBA Preview: Orlando Magic

2006-10-30T19:10:00.000-05:00

Dwight Howard tries to console a rim after a Keith Bogans shootaround.

Changes:
The biggest move was made towards the end of last season, when they traded for Darko and Carlos Arroyo. Really a brilliant piece of GMing right there: you get a potentially huge talent who is mad at the world plus the best backup point guard in the league. Tego Reggae-freakin-ton. After finishing the year on a 16-6 run, they didn't want to do much tinkering with the lineup. Their biggest free agent signing was Keith Bogans, who never met a shot he couldn't miss. In the draft, they chose to address their outside-shooting deficiency by picking up the Bard of Durham, JJ Redick. He has really responded to the move like a true Duke professional: a run-in with the law (white zinfandel + joyride) and a nagging injury. I think JJ was a great college player, but I just see the pro game moving too fast for him. With the athletes in the NBA, we'll see a lot more of the Redick that went 3-18 vs. LSU in the tourney last year.

Style of Play:
This is a squad that is going to rely a lot on Arroyo and Jameer Nelson to create for the rest of the team, and I like the ability of both to do so. While Dwight Howard is a beast, his offensive game hasn't reached the level where you can regularly run things through him. Grant Hill should be slashingly effective for 10 games until his foot falls off his body after a collision with the mammoth chip on Darko's shoulder. They have a lot of guys that can score, even off the bench, but no one who will average 20. The twin tower combo of Howard/Milicic should make them a tough defensive team downlow, but they'll have to make up for Redick's deficiencies. An intriguing squad, all around.

Impact Player:
Do you see that picture up top? That walking double-double is on the verge of being really, really, really good. He averaged 16 and 12.5 as a nineteen-year-old. Has he not fully filled out yet? Could he pop a basketball with his bare hands? Dunk from behind the threepoint line? These questions might be answered this season. If this kid develops a bit of a mean-streak, the Magic are going to be frighteningly good in years to come.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
I would take an evening to sit down with JJ, pop a bottle of Beringer, call up Adam Morrison and have a rousing game of Halo on the Xbox. The police would show up after neighbors' noise complaints stemming from emotional outbursts after video game losses.

Prediction:
The Magic been the posh pick in the East to really improve and make the playoffs, which is usually a huge curse, but I think it's pretty accurate here. I really like Nelson's leadership, Howard's freakish athleticism and Darko's frosted tips. Don't forget the X-factor, BO OUTLAW. Even with the inevitable Grant Hill injury, they've probably got enough talent to get into the playoffs with a 41-41 record.

NBA Preview: Portland Trailblazers

2006-10-30T13:14:00.000-05:00

"This muthafugga made me late for practice again"

Changes:
The Blazers are a lost team at this point but the future might be okay. They still have Darius Miles and Zach Randolph shooting and distributing consistently. Their on court game is unfortunately not as consistent. The Blazers lost Steve Blake, Theo Ratliff and Sebastian Telfair in the off season, and fortunately they traded Telfair before the whole stolen necklacescapade because that might have really hurt their image. Who came in? A mixed bag to say the least. The Blazers did some draft day shuffling, landing LaMarcus Aldridge and Brandon Roy, as well as receiving the unambiguously Caucasian duo (Raef LaFrentz and Dan Dickau) from the Celtics and Jamal Magloire from the Yinka Dare school of passing. I’ll say this: I like Brandon Roy. Some people like Aldridge but I think he is soft. Firefighters lay his game on the street below any potential suicide jumpers for a safe landing. Bazing!

Style of Play:
I like Nate McMillan but this team is a mess. On offense, they could be somewhat interesting with Jarrett Jack, Roy, and the Spanish White Chocolate Sergio Rodriguez providing some energy in the backcourt. Up until the point one of them feeds the ball to Zach Randolph, whose last recorded pass out of a double team has still yet to occur. Darius Miles doesn’t do anything too well, except have chronic injuries and send Provincetown gang signals to his boy Q-Rich. Is this the year that Travis Outlaw and Martell Webster get significant minutes?

Impact Player:
I am going to say Brandon Roy. I'm really high on this guy...and life. He's going to get a chance to start right away and I think he will contribute in every category. I just can't wait to see who his Siegfried is going to be.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
Wow, considering almost everyone on this team has been arrested before, this is a bit of a challenge. I would have to say Zach Randolph though. We would be in a Krispy Kreme, Zach would get upset and start crying that they had run out of bearclaws. The police would be summoned only to escort him out, but when he opens the door to his white on white Denali, 2 glocks, an AK-47, three half finished Alize bottles, five marijuana plants, a crack pipe, two dead prostitutes, and an unfilled tax return will fall out. He’ll be arrested for tax evasion and suspicion of playing for the Blazers.

Prediction:
This team is not going to improve much from last year’s 21-61. They need to trade away Zach Randolph and Darius Miles at some point and understand that they have a good deal of young talent on this team. Don’t be surprised to see a Jack, Roy, Outlaw, Aldridge, and Magloire starting line up at the end of year. Also don’t be surprised if it isn’t any worse than their opening day roster. I see 25-57 and Paul Allen shaking his head a lot.

The Morning Wood - 10/30/2006

2006-10-30T11:42:00.000-05:00

Stud: St. Louis Cardinals
This is likely the most reluctant Stud designation I've ever done. With an amazing collection of talent and likeable characters, the Cardinals, won the World Series on Friday night. This guy cannot wait to drop down and get his eagle on during the parade. I'm just kiddin' like Jason!!! Preston Wilson just struck out again.

Dud: Ben Roethlisberger
The walking emergency room threw 4 interceptions yesterday and is unfortunately causing other Steelers fans undue pain and stress. I don't want to say, bench him. But you should probably bench him. And as a public service announcement to all Pittsburgh residents and all NFL teams Grande Ben will be playing against - just stay away from him. He's a danger to himself and others. Just walk the other direction. I'm fairly positive that separated shoulder, torn ACL and Brett Favre painkiller addiction are on his to-do list for this season. Really depressing fact of the day - The Raiders had 98 total yards on offense. Chris Carr's 100-yd interception return for a TD (for the Raiders) did more for his team on one play than his offense could do in 4 quarters.

Talk Around the Cooler:
I'm not old enough to truly appreciate the legacy of Arnold Jacob "Red" Auerbach, but this right here should probably give you an idea of his impact on the league and those who've had the fortune of being in his presence.

Romo-bangers unite! It's truly amazing what Ron Mexico can do when his "problem" isn't flaring up. Instead of looking to put a franchise in LA, it might make sense to relegate the 49ers and Cardinals to Arena League Football.

Quick Hits:
WHO WANTS TO SEX MUTOMBO?! I like college football, but hate this BCS bullshit. So...there might be some talent available this offseason

NBA Preview: Cleveland Cavaliers

2006-10-28T20:16:00.000-04:00

"This is what awesome feels like"

Changes:
I have to say that I like the moves they made this year. Last year's big free agent signing, Larry Hughes, never had a chance to fit in with this team after a finger injury that seemed to linger forever (like the Herp) but this year's signings were more focused on filling in veteran back up needs. David Wesley and Scot Pollard, although no one's favorite team in NBA Jam, will provide quality minutes off the bench. Flip Murray is gone (it would have been a bigger loss if they lost Flip Wilson. Or Lil Flip. Or Flipper) but I think Shannon Brown could be a rookie that contributes immediately (mainly because I saw him once in a preseason game and he impressed me. Hey, we never claimed to be experts).

Style of Play:
Watch LeBron do stuff. No seriously. It's tough to say what is going to happen with Larry Hughes in the lineup every day but Lebron and Larry definitely are gifted passers. Occasionally Zydrunas Ilgauskas is allowed to play, just so he doesn't toss some type of gypsy spell on everyone else. Anderson Varejao is an energetic bastard. Let me put it like this: He's more excited than chubby white women around this guy. Donyell Marshall provides a solid outside presence. . when he's not living in Florida, drinking prune juice, and complaining about "these young whipper snappers".

Impact Player:
Ira Newble (sweet karate). Come on, who do you think? Unlike anyone that hangs out around Justin's, we're all Witnesses. The Bron elevated his game to another level last year, becoming one of five players in history to average 25, 7, and 7. The other four did it as well. What do I need out of Mr. James? Continued growth in the leadership category, a little more effort on the defensive end, and a lot more effort in finger nail maintenance off the court.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
At first I thought that this would be a challenge but then I discussed it with SU member Giddy and realized that I only need one picture to answer this question: Unnhh.

Prediction:
If there's one thing that I would never be cavalier about, it's the 'Brons this year. I see them going 56-26 but still getting knocked out in the playoffs before the championship. Unless he walks through the door. Or him. Or him.

NBA Preview: Washington Wizards

2006-10-28T19:46:00.000-04:00

"Have you theen my batheball...."

Changes:
Sensing a real void of the Caucasian element on the roster following the departure of future Hall of Famer Steve Blake two years ago, the Wizards signed sharpshooter Darius Songaila to a mid-level exception (yes, I did call him a sharpshooter – the term is completely subjective). Positives of this deal – this stretches the court somewhat for the Wizards on offense. Negative – they signed Darius Songaila to the mid-level exception. That’s the equivalent of making way for a fat chick to give you a blowjob when you’d be better off pleasuring yourself. That doesn’t make sense to you? Excellent, because that doesn’t make sense to me either. In an attempt to satisfy the Michael Jackson/John Mark Karr/Anacostia element of the fan base, the Wizards also brought in DeShawn Stevenson, who some would call an excellent perimeter defender. On the offensive end, if you can manage to keep Mr. Stevenson from penetrating your child’s “perimeter” all should be good in Chocolate City. No pun intended, but the double entendre was.

Style Of Play:
This is the professional version of the Princeton offense – lots of cutting, backdoor passes and scoring. And without homos like Edwin Buff (my nuts)mire VIIII (as most guys do). Problem is last year there were few players on the roster who couldn’t hit the open shot when he kicked the ball out. Enter the Lithuanian Michael Jordan. DARIUS. SONGAILA. But to bring us back to reality, this team likes to score. For the second year in a row, the Wizards had the highest scoring trio in the NBA (Agent Zero, Antawn Jamison and Caron Butler). Hopefully at some point this season this young, but talented team will decide to play some defense. They played zone a significant amount of time last year, but zone really meant just letting anyone and everyone into the lane (insert Tara Reid joke).

Impact Player:
Um…this kind of goes without saying. Asking who the impact player is on the Wizards is like asking me if I’m a decent catch. The answer is way too obvious and that answer is fuck no. So let’s talk about the un-named Impact Player. He may have a chip on his shoulder after being cut from the USA Basketball team. He may be thinning the air in his house. He might play online poker during halftime of regular season games. He might be the most talented, yet “out of touch with reality" player ever. As good as he is, He thinks he has a lot to prove this season – and that bodes well for the Wizards.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
Etan Thomas. Plain and simple – a poetry reading gone wrong. Ganja in the air, thoughtful rhetoric being spewed by the cerebral Etan Thomas, when a drunken Craig Esherick walks in striking this pose while ice grilling Etan. All hell breaks loose.

Prediction:
With a motivated Arenas and some decent additions, the Wiz should improve on last year’s record. I’m saying 45-37 and a 7 seed in the East.

The Morning Wood - 10/27/2006

2006-10-27T09:56:00.000-04:00

Stud: Branden Ore
Why? Because I said so. The Va Tech team has fallen off somewhat this year, with a less talented team and also a team less likely to spike calves and brandish firearms in parking lots but they received some shine last night, knocking off #10 Clemson 24-7. Iron Ore (eh) was the driving force behind the victory, rushing for 203 yards and two touchdowns. He did this all in front of former Hokie Lee Suggs, who took some time off from taking time off to attend the game.

Dud: Bruce Bochy
This mustached man walked away from his San Diego contract yesterday, deciding to head up scenic Route 1 and become Felipe Alou's replacement in San Francisco. Why does this make him a dud? Because he's leaving San Diego man!! Leaving behind Fish tacos, fish tacos, and beaches. Come on Bochy. Good luck managing Bonds next year if he comes back. Your replacement will be drinking $1.50 happy hour margarita's at Fred's mexican cafe, beating off young dirty blonde pouzzle with Trevor Hoffman's cane.

Talk Around the Cooler:
So yeah, I picked the Tigers in five games. You want to know why? Because I think the NL is garbage. I think the Cardinals have perhaps the most boring team in the history of baseball and that they have one starter, one reliever, and three position players that could hang in the AL. Jeff Suppan's era in the AL East would require a comma. So I don't think the Tigers will be winning in five any longer but I know the problem: they went from being a laughingstock to a shocking surprise to heavy favorites in a year. They are some confused identity wise that they can't keep it together. Well that and their pitching has completely failed them. I can't believe David Eckstein is going to get to hold the World Series trophy. Is he going to be able to hold up? Is Rolen going to hold it for him? Is he going to be shit faced and puking after a half a Bud Light? I don't know how this is talk around the cooler but I'm not at work and you can screw.

Quick Hits...
Yeah, no shit. Anything else you need to explain to me three months after I've figured it out? What, you wanted a live one? PGA nobody Doug Barron went topless to take a shot yesterday, which I'm sure was athetically pleasing as his dimensions are 5'9" and 170. Mmmmm, meaty. Hey Gulbis, just think it over babe. Tiki Barber and Michael Irvin are having a little cat fight over Tiki's retirement announcement with Irvin calling it "quitting" and Tiki calling Irvin an idiot. I have to agree with Tiki here but perhaps the animosity goes a little deeper: maybe Irvin realizes that 97% of America can't understand a thing he says while Tiki Barber is a pronouncing superfreak. Does someone feel like they might be losing their job soon? I hope so. Back to you Mort!

NBA Preview: Utah Jazz

2006-10-26T16:33:00.000-04:00

Andrei Kirilenko - NBA game: All-Star, Game with the ladies: 8th grade.

Changes:
Not much to write about here, and that's the way the Mormons like it. They resigned Matt Harpring (poorman's Szczerbiak), which is a decent move, then went out on the free-agent market and got Derek Fisher - who, at only 32 years of age, is the fake-oldest person in the league. I swear he played with James Worthy. If he's healthy, it's a nice addition. In the draft, they chose Ronnie Brewer, which isn't a bad pick, but they could have had Ronnie Brewer without the nauseating jumpshot if they selected Rodney Carney, who went two picks later. Brewer will probably be a pretty exciting player when he's not catching the evil eye from everyone he passes on the streets of Salt Lake City. They also nabbed Dee Brown and Roger Powell, who, combined with Deron Williams, couldn't beat UNC in 2006, so they should have a pretty good shot at taking down some NBA teams. Oh, and there's a black guy named Hiram on their preseason squad. That should make him pretty popular in Utah. L'chaim!

Style of Play:
Tough to say. Half the time, it's wait for Andrei Kirilenko to do something amazing on the defensive end, then fast-break. The other 60% of the time, I'd say it's a lot of Deron Williams/Mehmet Okur pick-and-pops at the top of the key, which could be worse. It's sort of like Stockton/Malone, only less white, but I'm not sure how. Oh, I remember. They've got a lot of guys who can knock down open shots (Harpring, Giricek, Fisher, Okur) and a talented-yet-unmotivated Inuit on the low-post (Boozer), but that puts a lot of pressure on Williams to create. Other than AK-47, they're pretty soft on the defensive end.

Impact Player:
Their best player is Kirilenko, who combines freakish athleticism with a freakishly gay hairstyle. The success of the Jazz, however, rests soley on the broad shoulders of Carlos Boozer. When he's sueing Prince for painting his house purple, backing out of contracts, or spending time on the IR, he's of no use. When he's healthy and down on the block, he's Diamonds and Pearls. Snarf. Without a healthy Boozer, the team is full of jumpshooting softies.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
The culprit has to be Rafael Araujo. He went to BYU, so he's got to know some locals, he tested positive for steroids at the World Championships in 2002, so he's got a crazy streak, and he is on the verge of turning into an NBA punchline after being picked 8th in the 2004 draft, so he's probably bottling up some emotions. I'm guessing the night will involve a Brazillian restaurant, too many Caipirinhas, and Araujo knocking out a waiter, then wielding his meat skewer at customers.

Prediction:
If they're healthy, I think Jerry Sloan turns them into a playoff team and they're one of the season's big surprises. Unfortunately, I don't think they'll be healthy. 40-42, just missing the playoffs.

NBA Preview: Charlotte Bobcats

2006-10-26T13:06:00.000-04:00

"You don't even care about me, do you?"

Changes:
The Bobcats were not good last year and because of that, they were rewarded with the #3 pick, grabbing 70’s fluffer Adam Morrison from Gonzigzaga. There’s this dude Walter Hermann but he might be my new least favorite NBA player (you hear that Ira Newble, you’re off the hook). I hate Waltah! That being said, this is a young ass team that could really use one thing walking into the locker room: a healthy Emeka Okafor. Last year, he missed 56 games after dropping a biochemistry book on his foot. This year he has lost some weight to hopefully stay on the court. Hey, it worked for Pudge Rodriguez and no one questioned his cause. Hmm. Bernie Bickerstaff still looks somewhat like a beaver. Michael Jordan is lurking somewhere in the background of management, betting millions that Brevin Knight doesn’t have human genitalia.

Style of Play:
The Bobcats love stealing stuff: Sebastian Telfair’s neck warmer, the hearts of North Carolina honkey bitches, and basketballs. The Bobs lead the league in rips last year, not that it really helped. They are a gambling defense, led by Gerald William Wallace, a stat super freak last year. He’s got busier hands than Mario Lopez at a Saved By the Bell autograph session. Kapowski! On offense, Raymond Felton will continue his Chris Paul Jr. routine (check the second half numbers before disagreeing) but it seems like too many possessions end with Primo Brezec 18 footers. Hopefully those will be Morrison’s shots this year.

Impact Player:
This is tough to pick although I would have to say Emeka Okafor (translates as “Calhoun f*cked up not recruiting Gomes”). With Okafor, the Bobs have an interior defensive presence. Without him, they have Melvin Ely and Primo (and I’m not talking DJ Premier here) twiddling their thumbs. He also provides their only post presence on the offensive end. After averaging a double double his rookie year, will he be able get into double digit games this year? Also, he’s got a Delgado-strength smile, so take that for what it’s worth.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
Can I say two people here? Screw it, I’m going to. My first would be with Okafor and here is the scenario: We’re in a bar, maybe around Harvard, and this dude, maybe he has ponytail, comes up to me and starts talking shit about my knowledge in front of this girl I was working. Emeka jumps up out of nowhere, says some shit about isotopes and elephantitis, and then I say “my boy’s wicked smahht” and we get into a bar brawl. Or I’d like to get arrested with Adam Morrison in the Champagne room at a strip club after he demands for his wispy moustache to be "muff-flavored" before he leaves.

Prediction:
This team still isn’t going to be good but they should be improved. 36-46

NBA Preview: Toronto Raptors

2006-10-26T12:00:00.000-04:00

I love my contract extension, ay!

Changes:
Probably the biggest move was getting rid of general manager Rod Babcock - a man who made Isiah Thomas look like Red Auerbach - and replacing him with wunderkind Bryan Colangelo, who put together the Suns' impressive roster. His first off-season moves as GM have been impressive: drafting Andrea Bargniani #1 overall, who looks to be a stud, signing proven Euros Jorge Garbajosa and Anthony Parker, and picking up Steve A. Smith's claim-to-fame Rasho Nesterovic. They're not even in the US, so I guess the don't need no stinking Americans. The organization caught a little grief for trading Charlie Villanueva for TJ Ford, but I like the move. Their offense should be dominated by Chris Bosh, and Ford is a pass-first, dear-god-please-don't-show-me-that-jumper second type of player. Villanueva would have cut into Bargniani's minutes, anyway. I like the Fred Jones pickup, too. Who? Fred Jones. Good scorer off the bench, solid defender, insanely athletic. They also brought in Kris Humphries, who has looked like an interior presence in the preseason. Oh, and I love Sam Mitchell. One of the league's top 5 coaches. I'll stop now, b/c I'm beginning to like this team a little too much.

Style of Play:
Given their roster, you would guess straight-Euro, with lots of white-homos making weird cuts, chucking set-shot threes and passing a few extra times to drag out their offensive set in lieu of playing defense, but it's a little funkier than that. Ford pushes the ball up the floor in a very aggressive fashion, and they've got a bunch of horses that can run - even their bigs. Pretty much all half-court sets will go through Bosh, as they should. He's probably the best player in the NBA that no one has seen play.

Impact Player:
Without question, Chris Bosh. I didn't like this selection when he came out of Georgia Tech, but he's proven to be a stud that deserves to be mentioned in the James/Wade/Anthony conversation. His only problem is that he's playing in front of 5,000 people who are wondering how those really tan fellas keep from slipping on the ice with those goshdarn sneakers on.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
The winner here is Kris Humphries. I must say, I'm intrigued. Why? Let me submit a chronological string of evidence. Exhibit A. Exhibit B. Exhibit C. Exhibit D. Xzibit E. Has Mr. Humphries turned African-American right before our very eyes? Does he have the opposite of whatever effects Michael Jackson? Is it alright for us to be talking about this? These are all questions that I would ask. The arrest would obviously involve drinking Moleson Ice and getting into a barfight with several bearded, flannel-wearing men at a Toronto bar owned by Doug Flutie.

Prediction:
I can't get too crazy here, but I feel like I'm about to. I think Toronto is going to battle it out with the Magic, Celts and Nets for those last two playoff spots. They'll improve on that 27-win season of last year to go 39-43, which will probably be just out of the playoffs in the improving East. This team is on the rise, mark my words, you hosers.

The Morning Wood - 10/26/2006

2006-10-26T11:14:00.000-04:00

Stud: Brian Cashman
Hate the Yankees, but I respect this move. This way, they hold all the chips in Sheffield's future, and can make sure that he doesn't go to the Red Sox. There's going to be a huge shitstorm when he's traded to some dawdling franchise like Baltimore or Texas, but the Yanks should get some decent prospect in return. There's been a lot of Chone Figgins talk in the Bronx, so maybe they'll throw him to the Angels. Iron Sheff is surely to eventually blame this one on the man, but hopefully the situation will resolve itself soon so he can get back to his offseason workout of being angry, shaping his 'stache and making sure his wife isn't keepin' anything on the downlow.

Dud: Clouds
Yeah, I'm talkin' to you, Cirrus, Stratus, Cumulus, and especially you, Nimbus. What's going on in St. Louis? It sounds like you've set up shop, and we're going to have to play the World Series either w/NorthFace uniforms or move it to the Metrodome. I think Fox had to run an episode of that awful Michael Rappaport show last night in the game's stead, the viewing of which I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Talk Around the Cooler:
There could not be a funnier headline. From union spokesman Dan Wasserman: "a provision was added to the collective bargaining agreement that subjects the players to discipline if they bring any kind of firearm, even if it's licensed, to an NBA arena, practice facility, or even a team or league offsite promotional appearance." Oh, so they can't be packin' heat at the next Read to Achieve event? How's AI gon' protect himself from those kids in the cornrows lookin' at him funny? That hat ain't no joke! This ain't no game!

Quick Hits...
Here's a box of fucking tissues. Try focusing less on words and more on the sticks and stones of your TD/INT ratio. Weird how this happened in a game involving Ron Artest. How does that girl from Laguna Beach/Paris Hilton/Tara Reid/half of the women of California feel about this?

NBA Preview: Detroit Pistons

2006-10-25T16:42:00.000-04:00

Must...stay...away from...the block...

Changes:
First off, at the end of last season, they let the Serbian Gangsta and TeamUSA-killer Carlos Arroyo go to the Magic in exchange for Kelvin Cato, a future first-rounder and a packet of Metamucil (per Dale Davis's request). Horrific deal, you might say. But no, they did it because they figured they couldn't sign both Ben Wallace and Darko, so they chose Big Ben: the heart and soul of the team. What's that? They let him go to Chicago? Replaced him with who? Marginally-skilled, insanely-soft, defensively-challenged Nazr Mohammed? Yeah, he and Ben Wallace are basically six and two threes. It appears Joe Dumars chose to go with the seldom-used "subtraction by subtraction" plan this off-season. I guess they got Ronald Murray (huge chucker), so there's that. The luster of the Billups/Sheed/Prince/Hamilton moves is going to wear off soon, and Joe's gonna have some 'splainin' to do!

Style of Play:
Flip Saunders got the team running last year, but unless 'Sheed penetrates the force-field around the three-point line and gets down on the block where he's lethal, they're a strictly jumpshooting team, which is a problem. The good thing is that everyone's unselfish on the offensive end - almost to a fault. All that being said, their strength is still in their D and the Prince/Wallace combo will give teams matchup fits. Dale Davis will handle the lookfrightening duties.

Impact Player:
C.Billups. I would trust this man with my life. With 19 points, 9 dimes and only 2 turnovers, he's about as rock-solid as they come, not to mention having an enormous sack down the stretch of close games. And he keeps getting better. Good thing the Celtics traded him after 51 games. Fuck.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
I'll say Carlos Delfino. The man has to be storing some Darko-esque anger after riding pine for the last few years. The location would most certainly be at a cockfight w/lots of angry latinos. And tapas. He would also be wearing a Menudo shirt.

Prediction:
The 'stons will be near the top of the East yet again, but ultimately their championship run depends on three things: Jason Maxiell stepping up, Carlos Delfino getting 25 minutes a game, and Antonio McDyess staying healthy and effective. He won't because he's an undersized power forward, he won't because Flip Saunders doesn't know shit, and he won't because he has no knees. 58-24, playoffs, second round exit.

The Morning Wood - 10/25/06

2006-10-25T10:41:00.000-04:00

Stud: MLB Players (I refuse to support the Cardinals in any way - so fuck Chris Carpenter).
A new labor deal was agreed to yesterday which resulted in minimal changes to the current agreement. So what does that mean for steroids? Absolutely nothing. Salary Cap? No. Nothing's changed. Um yeah, the news about this is that cheaters can continue to cheat, the wealthy teams will continue to eat up high-price free agents and announcers/reporters will be paid bonuses to fellate Jeter and chip away at A-Rod's ego.

Dud: Francisco Liriano
Similar to the likes of Darry Strawberry, Koren Robinson and Doc Gooden, Franciso Liriano's rehab isn't going too well. Let's hope he comes out of it. I'd hate for him to be a flash in the pan like these guys.

Talk Around The Cooler:
I guess things are bad when not only the players quit on you, but your staff can't deal with the tragedy that your football team has become. Hence, the resignation of Maurice Carthon as offensive coordinator of the Browns. If only he were a fuckin' soldier - maybe he could stick it out the rest of the season.

The Yankees are going to pick up Gary Sheffield's $13 million option for the pure purpose of trading him. Probably not a bad idea. Although, I'm sure this definitely irks Mr. Sheffield. If you didn't know, the reason he swings so hard at the ball isn't because he's trying to hit a homerun every at bat - it's because the ball is white. I doubt being put on the auction block going to sit well with him.

So, the Cowboys' season is done. Tony fuckin' Romo will be starting this week. And the nickname of Tony "Oh No" will be very fitting. I have nothing to look forward to anymore aside from Bill Parcells' man-pouch increasing in size week to week, Michael Irvin galavanting about how good the Cowboys are, T.O. trying to kill himself. OH, and me being able to sexually harass women all weekend - and have a legit excuse.

Quick Hits:
This comes as a HUGE surprise! Roy Williams is clearly delusional and I love it. KAZAAM!

NBA Preview: NO/OK Hornets

2006-10-25T09:04:00.000-04:00

"And I said to Armani, make me look like piano keys"

Changes:
PJ Brown is gone! Was anyone else under the impression that his legs had the ability to shatter like candy canes at the slightest touch? But this is a team where the story is about the incoming: Peja Stojakovic, Tyson Chandler, Bobby Jackson (as well as two first round big men, although I can’t see them getting that much playing time). This merry band of overpaid individuals provides the Wasps with outside shooting, an interior defensive presence, and leg hair while also keeping a capable back up PG on the bench behind golden child Chris Paul after Speedy Claxton’s departure. What does this all mean? I’m concerned about the chemistry as Peja has been mopping around the last couple years after Vlade Divac decided to bring his carton-a-day habit back to the motherland and Bobby Jackson tends to be a shoot first and second PG. Is Tyson Chandler going to be an angry force or is he going to be an angry stiff who airballs layups? Keep an eye on David West, who led the team in scoring last year but might see his shot attempts decrease quicker than Britney Spears’ sex appeal.

Style of Play:
I am pretty sure that the Hornets run the old Nets offense which is a take on the Princeton offense, which means cuts, passing from all positions, and a 40 foot sailboat off of Martha’s vineyard. Chris Paul and Bobby Jackson will push the ball and Desmond Mason could be a beneficiary as Peja’s hair sweatpants might slow him down on the break.

Impact Player:
It has got to be Chris Paul. 16, 7.8 and 5 with 2.2 steals a game? Stat sheet filler. I think the most telling stat is his over 3 to 1 ratio of assists to turnover, a stat that is sometimes alarming in frosh PGs. Sophomore slumps don’t affect people this good. My only grip would be 28% from beyond the stripe.

Player you would most like to get arrested with and where:
Marc Jackson. He’s a darkhorse but I’ll tell you why he’s my pick: He looks like the type of guy that gets really fucked up. Like 4 40’s at cocktail hour fucked up. I would like nothing more than to be arrested with MJ stealing horses from a rodeo in Oklahoma City.

Prediction:
Last year was a heartwarming story as the Oklahomans embraced this team and they finished last year at a respectable 38-44. But unfortunately, they still reside in the Southwest division with the big boys. The team has improved and I could see the record flip flopping to 44-38, the record that got Sacramento into the playoffs last year. With the return of the Rockets and the Timberwolves, I think the Hornets will just miss the playoffs this year. I’m sorry. Really New Orleans, I am.

Moments with Michael - Week 7

2006-10-24T14:34:00.000-04:00

And now this week's installment of Moments with Michael - your weekly glimpse into the mind of a genius.

SU: You know what the first question is this week - what are your thoughts about the QB situation in Dallas?
MI: HAHAHAHA. Exactly my thoughts too. Well, it was bount ta happen. IT WAS BOUNT. TO. HAPPEN. AND LET ME TELL YOU WHY. Bledsoe back there was like watching Warren Moon beat his wife. How much more can one person take? MY MAN WARREN KEEPS HIS PIMP HAND STROOOONG! YOU GOT TO. YOU GOT TO IN THIS DAY AND AGE.

SU: So, do you agree with Parcells' decision.
MI: Well, what decision is there to make? Bill did what he needed to do. I don't understand what decision you talkin' bout MAN. HAHAHA. Because THIS IS THE NFL EAST. YOU NEEDS TO WIN IN THE MOMENT. NOT LATER. BUT IN THE MOMENT. I SOUND LIKE MY MAN IVERSON. HE'S THE ANSWER BUT I GOT A QUESTION!

SU: Yep...
MI: NOW LET ME TURNT THA TABLE AND AXE YOU A QUESTION. WHO DO YOU THINK IS THE BEST TEAM IN THE NFL. HAHAHAHA. RIGHT TJ?

SU: What the fuck...we're not on TV. Best team in the league? For me, it's a toss up between Indy and Chicago. Both have glaring weakness - one on defense, the other on offense.
MI: I see what you sayin, but I'm gonna say the Cowboys are the best team. Because Indy and Chicago. They can't. You know. They not gonna get any better. But the 'boys they just gettin in their stride. AND I SAID! AND I SAID! The winner of last night's game would be the team to beat in the NFC East. The Cowboys lost, but you CANNOT TELL ME THEY DID NOT HAVE THEY CHANCES TO WIN THAT GAME. AND THEY DIDN'T PLAY WELL. So, my choice for best team in the league, is the best team in the most competitive division - THE. TERRELL. COWBOYS. SIMPLE AS THAT, MAN.

SU: A few people are saying Mike Vick's game against the Steelers could be one of the springboard games for his career. Do you agree?
MI: DEFINITELY. I would imagine his game will be top notch just like it is with the women. HENCE THE NAME. RONALD. TEXACO.

SU: Ron Mexico. I doubt he's too fond of that nomenclature.
MI: GNOMES AND NATURE? HAHAHA. YOU CRAZY MAN. AND NOW WE FLIP IT BACK TO YOU, MORT.

SU: Interview's not quite over. Name the first thought that comes to mind after I name your co-workers.
MI: OK!

SU: Tom Jackson
MI: TOM. AS IN UNCLE TOM. MOTHERFUCKER ALWAYS TRYIN' TO TALK OVER ME AND SHIT...

SU: I think we'll just stop right there.
MI: Genius.
SU: No, that comment wasn't a part of the game. It's over now. As is this interview.
MI: OH. HAHA. YOU TOO FUNNY MAN. STAY TUNED FOR MORE OF NFL. COUNTDOWN.

2006-10-24T12:50:00.000-04:00

Sports Untertainment: RED ALERT!

BREAKING NBA NEWS...

The Morning Wood - 10/24/2006

2006-10-24T08:36:00.000-04:00

Stud: Buffalo Sabres
The Buffalo Sabres are off to their best start in franchise history at 9-0. I know that no one watches hockey but they are quite an impressive group to watch, like the Suns of the NHL. That statement can’t be backed up in any way. If Pat Lafontaine wasn’t in his seventh straight year of migraines due to his 43rd career concussion, I’m sure he would be celebrating. Unfortunately, based on my knowledge of plate tectonics, weather patterns and wind currents, I am predicting that the Sabres will have to forfeit at least 25 games this year due to roughly a shitload of snow, potentially ruining a run at the best record in league history. Sidenote: Did the Sabre have an offseason affair with the San Diego Charger Bolt and produce a bastard child?

Dud: Cowboy QBs
This just in: Drew Bledsoe is not mobile! This also just in: Tony Romo is mobile but not exactly NFL-experienced! Bill Parcells has forced himself into a QB controversy that could just ruin the ‘Boys entire season. Bledsoe is not one of those “help the replacement out” type of guys but he also isn’t one of those “avoid the pass rush/look off a safety/release the ball in a timely manner” type of guys so Tuna is stuck with either a crap pile in the backfield or a cancer in the clubhouse. Good luck, especially with so many other high character guys on the team. Tony Romo has got to be a porno name. Somewhere, Jerry Jones is wishing he still had the ability to grimace.

Talk Around the Cooler:
I hate it when coordinators get fired from teams that clearly just have major issues. The latest to fall is Maurice Carthon of the Browns. You think Maurice’s offense would have worked somewhat better with, I don’t know, the Colts running it? You think Jim Fassel’s offense could thrive if he didn’t have to work with Steve Mcnair’s bounce passes and Jamal Lewis’ inability to make a cut with ankle cuffs on? Don’t fire the coordinators, fire the people drafting and recycling old ineffective talent. Or, in Brian Billick’s case, just fire the frigging pompous ass of a coach.

Quick Hits:
Everybody wants Bobby Bowden to retire, after the ‘Noles fell to White Boy U Boston College. I disagree because the Florida State program isn’t just about winning games: It’s about learning and maturing as well. A father pulled a gun on a coach of his son’s football team, apparently upset that his 6 year old son wasn’t getting enough playing time. Nice country. Sorry sir, but it's obvious your son sucks at football. He's probably gay too. Are you going to plant a car bomb on his ballet teacher's minivan in the future? Some people are speculating that Sebastian Telfair might have had more of a role in the shooting of rapper Fabolous than he is letting on. If I’m Telfair I’m not too concerned because we all know that that shit is going to get pinned on Shyne. Just to answer your question Hank Williams Jr: Yes, I am ready for some football, but not to the same degree that I'm ready for you to just fuck off.

Chris Brown's CD Song List if it was actually performed by Chris Brown, NFL RB

2006-10-23T13:07:00.000-04:00

Run It!
Yo (Excuse me Missed Tackle)
Vince Young Love
Gimme That ball Jeff Fisher
Ya Man Ain’t me, he’s probably Travis Henry
Winner, just not in the standings
Ain’t No Way (You Won’t Love Me (Unless you drafted me in your fantasy league))
What’s My Name? No seriously. The Oilers? The Titans? I can’t figure it out.
Is This Love or is Kerry Collins just drunk and horny again?
Poppin’ vicodin
Just Fine catching 2 DNPs this year
Say Goodbye Eddie George
Run It! (Remix)
Thank You for eating my wings Lendale

The Morning Wood - 10/23/2006

2006-10-23T12:40:00.000-04:00

Stud: Kenny Rogers
The Gambler was dealin' for the third straight time last night, going eight innings while allowing two hits and no runs in a 3-1 Tigers victory, all this while acting like a psycho on the mound. He's turned into a huge John Rocker. That being said, watching him paint the outside corner with that nasty slider all night was sports artistry at its finest, not to mention the several slick-fielding plays he made. He's brought his playoff scorless innings streak to 24 1/3 innings, just a few behind the record-holding Hall-of-Famer Christy Mathewson. There was a what-should-have-been-slight-yet-is-turning-into-a-huge controversy over some brown goop in his left hand in the first inning, but as Todd Jones said, it could have been chocolate cake, a theory that is supported by Jones's dental impression in Rogers's palm.

Dud: Shawne Merriman
Last year's NFL Defensive Rookie of the Year will apparently be suspended for four games after violating the NFL's drug policy after testing positive for 'roids. Looks like ink wasn't the only thing he was injecting (but if those lats are wrong, I don't want to be right. Meow.). This puts a slight roadblock in the budding career of the man that seemed to be the heir-apparent to Ray Lewis as the game's most overenthusiastic, hyped middle linebacker. Maybe he can take this time to sit down with his family and do some serious self-reflection about taking that E out of his first name.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Now, I'm not NFL offensive coordinator, nor have I ever claimed to know the intricacies involved in play-calling and game management, but how in the name of Akili Smith does anyone let Joey Harrington throw the ball 62 times in one game? I actually think Harrington gets a lot more shit that he deserves, and that he's at least a mediocre QB, but this is like Greg Popovich telling Beno Udrih to get out there and do his best Kobe Bryant impression: there's just no need for it. It's not even like the game was ever out of hand. Harrington broke Dan Marino's record, and while I'm sure Joey is a nice guy who can tickle the ivories and all, you're never going to see him hawkin' Isotoners or starring alongside Jim Carey. Someone needs to get fired over this.

I might be about to say something really stupid, but when it's all said and done, Champ Bailey might be one of the 5 best players to ever put on a football uniform. Yes, I said it. Watch him one week. He doesn't have the mouth of a Ray Lewis, Chad Johnson or Fred Smoot, but he's probably the only guy in the league who changes the entire complexion of the game every week, without fail. That's all.

Quick Hits...
43-year-old Jamie Moyer just signed a 2-year contract extension with the Phillies. I'm not sure why, but IN YO' FACE! Speaking of washed-up performers, why the fuck are you singing a Chevy truck commercial before Game 2 of the World Series? Yes, this is Our Country, but I want you to stay in your Small Town b/c your music Hurts So Bad. Hooray Mellencamp jokes! Jeanne Zelasko's hair is holding her head hostage.

The Morning Wood - 10/20/2006

2006-10-20T09:21:00.001-04:00

Welcome to today's Morning Wood. It's being done by a sleep deprived, single male. He is not happy today. Don't expect much (like you ever do from me). On a lighter note - happy birthday to Hasmitt, I got him an escort in her mid-30's a few weeks back as my gift to him. And let me tell you, he fuckin loved it. He'll love the STD's too. Here's to Hasmitt!!

Stud: Justin Rose
The Englishman, by way of South Africa shot an opening round 60, and was actually disappointed with that score. Talk about high standards. I'm glad I have low standards - makes life easier and less disappointing. For example, I would bet that Preston Wilson doesn't mind that he's the only player in MLB history to have more strikeouts than at bats - he's just happy to be playing professional baseball. Low standards is the way to go.

Dud: Braden (Billy Wagner) Looper
No, Mr. Wagner didn't give up the 2-run shot to fucking Orestes Destrade, but he should have been out there last night in the 9th inning. Not Aaron Heilman, who in my opinion is a pretty good reliever, but not someone who should be pitching in that situation. Randolph's reluctance to use Wagner last night is akin to this guy's reluctance to admit he's black - unparalleled.

Talk Around The Cooler:
So some internet fucks decided to have an online "writing competition" to see who could create the scariest threat. This fun little game was relayed to those responsible guys at the Dept. of Homeland Security, who stepped in and found out threats of bombs being detonated at stadiums this weekend was a hoax. How bout I just take out the link and write the whole fucking article? God this is horrible. Apparently playing Dungeons and Dragons just wasn't cutting it anymore for these guys.

Tiki Barber is retiring at the end of the season. Big fucking deal! And motherfuckers need to stop discussing whether he's Hall of Fame caliber. If he gets in, then the following players deserve to get in too: Blair Thomas, Gus Frerotte, Lawrence Phillips and Heath Shuler. All great players, but left the game too early.

MLB and the Players Union are reportedly close to a new labor deal. What does this mean? Nothing. Bud Selig will contine to be fellate Donald Fehr and Barry Bonds' dome will continue to have planets orbit it.

Quick Hits:
Great letter to John Madden from Madden 2007's worst-rated player. I think safety issues should be more of a concern, rather than height. I'd call these moments of comic relief rather than blunders.

The Morning Wood - 10/20/2006

2006-10-20T09:21:00.000-04:00

Opportunities Available to Tiki Barber If He Retires

2006-10-19T11:19:00.000-04:00

Take away a “friend’s” crack pipe
Be acquitted of murdering some white folk
Become Mr. Angie Harmon
Wear glow in the dark suits
WWF
Take roles that Dennis Rodman turns down
Translate Shannon Sharpe
Punch a Prostitute
Do Radio Shack commercials with Vanessa Williams
Run for Political Office
Impersonate his brother at team meetings to piss off Gruden
Become a Tom to Chris Berman
Spend time with his family

The Morning Wood 10/19/2006

2006-10-19T08:46:00.000-04:00

Stud: John "Remember the" Maine
Well, somebody stepped up for the Mets last night (okay, Jose Reyes did too but I really feel like tossing him a Stud nod would just encourage kids to do shots of poprocks and Red Bull before playing their little league games). Here would be a fun TV show: Have Carlos Beltran and John Maine sit next to each other and contestants have to guess if Beltran said "Maine" or "mayn" to his teammate. Howie Mayndel could host. There would also be an abundance of soulless models...and Emeril in the corner working on the french fries. Bam!

Dud: Billy Vogner
So we are headed to game 7 of the NLCS tonight. Let's just say it's a tight game, maybe the Mets are up one after Endy Chavez is able to score from first due to the 7 crowhops and three cut offs necessary for David Eckstein to reach Pujols on a groundball, Willie Randolph has visions of Sham-pawn-ya dancing in his head, he looks down to the bullpen, and holy shit, Billy Wagner is pinned under a bloated ERA of nearly 17. I mean, I haven't seen a whip this fat since this guy tossed 18's on a pinto. God, I hate that show. Anyway, Billy the Adult needs to step up his game or else it might be up to BradChadford, ChadFadBored, BardFatChored...and nobody wants that.
Talk Around the Cooler:
I would just like to say that I don’t think it matters who wins that NLCS tonight because the Tigers are going to plow through them. They have such an abundance of live young arms (with two noticeable exceptions: FranKennystein and Todd Jones, who?, Todd Jones (who sucks by the way)) that they have the ability to shut down either of the NL lineups. And there lineup seems to contain a never ending assembly line (unlike Ford) of dudes that hit .260 but hit 25 homeruns. This is big because people that hit .260 aren’t ashamed to bunt a guy over, hit to the right side with a guy on second, ground out or fly out to drive a guy in. I mean shit, they’re only hitting .260, how could you have an ego? The only real concerns I have about the team are some trained assassin/hair stylist sneaking into Magglio Sampson Ordonez’s house and leaving him with a high fade, Pudge Rodriguez and his Olson twin frame getting drunk off of one beer at the post game celebration and trying to kiss Bud Selig, and the possible death of any player who manages to put out one of Jim Leyland’s Pall Mall’s with any sort of liquid. I still say Tigers in five.

Quick Hits...
The person who revealed the amount of corruption involved in the Salt Lake City bidding process has passed away. Just for my sake, could we stop calling him a "whistleblower"? Seems like a negative connotation. Now I can die in peace! MLB, proving that there are few limits to their greed, now offer the chance to have official team logos on urns and caskets!!! Unfortunately they are offering both the Cubs and the Red Sox logos, so Matt Clement's family is conflicted as to what team he would have wanted on his casket. Not dead you say? Riiiight. The Chinese girls' gymnastic team beat the poo out of the US team at some championship thing. Apparently this was an upset. Bela Karolyi was so upset, he was unable to sleep with even one 14 year old girl that night. Too much?

For Your Viewing Pleasure...

2006-10-18T22:03:00.000-04:00

I really should just promote YouTube fulltime. This video is old, but in my opinion one of the best stiff arms I've ever seen. If I were the couch of UNC, I would have kicked the player off the team immediately for embarrasing himself and the university. Enjoy this classic...

The Morning Wood - 10/18/2006

2006-10-18T10:32:00.000-04:00

Stud: Jeff Weaver
Possibly motivated by the desire to not be the lesser half of the greatest brother/brother talent disparity since this duo (or maybe exhibit A and B), Jeff threw another solid playoff start, going 6 inning while giving up only 2 runs on 6 hits to the vaunted Metropolitan's lineup. He and younger brother Jared look so much alike that I'm beginning to wonder whether the Cardinals are pulling the ol' Lookie-Lou, to reference the horrific movie that was Ocean's Twelve. Either way, kudos to whatever Weaver stepped out there and got the job done. If the Cardinals make it to the World Series with their rotation/lineup, I'm going to start a group that will advocate for the reinstatment of rampant, possibly manditory, steriod-use.

Dud: Shaun Rogers
Speaking of juicin', Shaun Rogers has been suspended for four games under the NFL's steroid and related substances policy. One caveat, though: the drug he took supposedly was not an anabolic steroid, but actually something used to control his weight that he claims came from a supplement bought at GNC. Since when does a defensive tackle try to control their weight? And what is the NFL saying? That they'd rather have this than someone who is trying to keep their weight at a "reasonable" 345 lbs? Is the league in cahoots with diabetes drug manufacturers?

Talk Around the Cooler:
This story has reached untapped bounds of hilarity in all ways. First off, I'm fairly certain that the principals (Robert Lugo, Elpidio Uribe, Jose Manuel Encarnacion, Antonio Gonzalez Perez) are all Major League baseball players. Also, Uribe, who denies shooting anyone, claims that he's being extorted for 1 million pesos, or roughly $0.63 American. Juan, you make over $3 million a year; if you could make this all go away from a million pesos, you would have done it. Also, one man involved is being referred to as "the Italian." How about everyone calms down over there in the DR so that when the Mets get knocked out of the playoffs, Pedro Martinez can go back home and spend the winter sitting under his mango tree. Santo Domingo, indeed!

Quick Hits...
. . . and it's the first defending he's done in six years in the league. Bah-zing! (please don't tell him I said that). Scroll down to the YouTube video and enjoy. That's 6'1" of the Celtics future. Color me sold. In the most important nonsportsrelated story of the day, if they can't make it, who can? I smell a variety show in someone's future! He's like the African-American male Kelly Ripa.

Koren Robinson's Ipod Playlist

2006-10-17T20:27:00.000-04:00

One thing we don't do at Sports Untertainment is make light of other people's faults. That being said, the NFL has given Koren Robinson a solid year to drink his problems away. Let's hope he finds the right alcoholic beverage to keep him from getting suspended anymore in the future. Before we say, "happy trails" to Johnny Drinksalot, he was kind enough to provide us with some songs on his current playlist. You'll see that drinking definitely isn't top of mind with this man:

Nas - Drunk By Myself
Bob Marley - Red, Red Wine
Muddy Waters - Whiskey Blues
Def Leppard - Wasted
Billy Joel - Captain Jack
Oasis - Cigarrettes & Alcohol
Beck - Alcohol
Mobb Deep - Drink Away The Pain
ZZ Top - Beer Drinkers and Hellraisers
Bone Thugs 'n Harmony - Bless Da 40' Oz
Linkin Park - Breaking The Habit
Snoop Dogg - Gin & Juice
Tupac - Hennessy
Geto Boys - My Mind's Playin' Tricks On Me
Curtis Mayfield - Pusherman
Three 6 Mafia - Sippin On Some Syzurp
The Roots - Water
Willie Nelson - Whiskey River
Jimmy Buffett - Margaritaville

The Morning Wood - 10/17/06

2006-10-17T08:07:00.000-04:00

Stud: Bears Defense
Or is it offense? The Bears D has outscored the Bears offense in two of the past three games. Obviously this is a new scheme that Lovie Smith has unveiled and the league just hasn't caught up with it. Some good news for the Bears offense though, Rex Grossman got off his high horse and decided to play like other great U. of Florida QB's of yesteryear - Danny Wuerffel and Jesse Palmer.

Dud: Edgerrin James
As bad as he played last night, Edgerrin still managed to set an NFL record last night - for mediocrity. Thirty six carries, for 55 yards. Ladies and gentleman, the record holder for most carries in a game with fewest yards gained. Congrats, Edgerrin. Only one thing comes to mind when thinking about your decision to leave the Colts for the Cardinals. Nobody said the guys at "the U" were smart.

Talk Around The Cooler:
Speaking of Miami, how amazing/sad was the ho-down against FIU on Saturday night? There's a term the NCAA uses called "lack of institutional control." That might apply to this football program. A few things of note: this event effectively ends Larry Coker's term at Miami, Lamar Thomas (the commentator in the video) is comical/ridiculous and #19 for Miami, Brandon Meriweather apparently likes hitting - excuse me, kicking and stepping on players while they're down since it seems he can't really bring them down himself. I wonder what it feels like be used as a pinball and a hurdle within a 1.5 second span. Amazing. WE READY! WE READY!

So apparently Mike Tyson is expanding his opponents to those of the opposite gender for his barnstorming tour. Conveniently, Tyson's proposed opponent is completely unaware of this arrangement. If there's one thing I'd say about Tyson, it's that he's clever. What better way to beat a woman senseless and not be punished for it by saying the two of you planned it? Brilliant! Ok, ok not a funny comment. I'm all for women's rights, okay bitches? Fine, how 'bout if Mike Tyson pleasured you so much it hurt?

So apparently the new chic criminal offense this fall is shooting (at) people. At least that's what my #1 fantasy draft pick (you fuckers really think I'm joking) and Juan Uribe would have you believe. I'm hoping Ozzie Guillen gives Uribe a serious tongue lashing (not that kind, you dirty bastards) for this. I mean seriously, a pellet gun? At least use a gun that can do some serious bodily harm. Fucking amateurs. I guarantee you Stephen Jackson and Zach Randolph are having a field day with this story. "Morning shootaround" doesn't quite have the same meaning it used to in the NBA.

Quick Hits:
If you weren't excited about Piniella coming back to manage, I hope this helps you out. Imagine if someone had stolen his wallet! Sticking with Lou for one second, he also wants the biggest under-achieving overachiever on his team. And finally, you guys might think she likes to stare intently into the camera, but I'm here to tell you that Rachel Nichols gives me serious sex eyes during ESPN broadcasts. I know you guys are jealous. And she doesn't even blink! Amazing.

Moments With Michael - Week 6

2006-10-16T22:12:00.000-04:00

The football season may have started 6 weeks ago, but when was the last time we were ever on top of things. Introducing Moments with Michael, our weekly conversation with one of the most esteemed commentators in the game today, Michael Irvin. Here you'll receive the most insightful look atthe upcoming week in the NFL.

SU: Michael, first of all I want to thank you for this opportunity, we sincerely appreciate it.
MI: HAHAHAHAHA. YEAH MAN, that's what I keep tellin you. Right Mike?

SU: No, I'm Giddy.
MI: Yeah, I wasn't talkin' t you man. That was me talkin' to myself. Gettin myself pumped up for this interview.

SU: Fair enough. Before we get into this week's football topics, there's no way I can let an interview go without discussing your attire. For those not in attendance I'll give you a thorough description: A lime green 3-piece, pinstripe suit. The stripes are pink. This is tastefully accented with an electric pink shirt and a tie-dyed bow tie. But let's not forget the accents. Bright green snake skin shoes with a matching snake skin belt. Oh wait, Michael is emptying his pockets...out he pulls a lime green crack pipe to show me. This, ladies and gentleman is why I love this man. Now that that's done, what are your top 3 storylinesfor this past week?
MI: HAHAHAHA. Man, you CRAZY. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Well you know it's got to be the Towboys. No ladies and gentleman I did not mist-speak. The TO - T-O Boys. Dat his team. Yesterday's pahfoormance was like. WHO'S CITY IS IT? It's my city and it is my team. I know it not Parcells' city. I KNOW IT's not Parcells, city. Right TJ?

SU: What?
MI: SO YOU SAYIN' T.O. DOESN'T WANT TO WIN? HAHAHAHAHA. BECAUSE THERE WERE BLIPS IN THAT GAME AND HE. BLAME HIM AND YOU WRONG. IT'S THE NFC EAST. THAT'S HOW WE PLAY. T.O. WANT TO WIN. Fuck the Eagles!

SU: Is any of this English?
MI: HAHAHA. Yeah, the playcalling. That's is what did them in, you see. AIN'T THAT RIGHT TJ?

SU: I don't think Tom Jackson is anywhere present.
MI: HAHAHA. Well let's talk about the other TJ - Larry Johnston.

SU: Larry Johnson
MI: Ain't that's what I said? Well anyways, he was like the Exorcism last week with that move he did. Never seen that on the football field. HAHAHAHA. Can you buhleeve what did to to my man Pot-and-matu yesterday? Now, over to Boomer.

SU: Stop that! Interesting pronunciation, by the way. What about this upcoming week?
MI: The STEELERS versus the Falcums. Man, expect to see Vick flying all through the field...you know what I mean? HA. Potamalu and Joey Porter's pit bulls gon try turn him to horsemeat. PETA what you got to say 'bout that. Check out the skin on my shoes and HOLLA at me! HAHAHA. My closet is a pet cemetary!

SU: Next story?
MI: Who will be traded? Will he be traded? It's all 'bout the diminishing skills or is the man not interest. And you know who I am referencin'. Randy Mast. Moss. And the otha porter. The REAL Porter, Jerry. The deadline is comin, man HAHAHAHA. Right Mort?

SU: There is no fucking Chris Mortensen around here. And it's not Sunday morning. What the fuck is wrong with you? And to paraphrase for the audience - crackhead Jenkins over here thinks one of the Raiders wide receivers might be traded.
MI: Bigxactly!! And my last storyline this week is Carooolina and the Benghouls. Say that wit' me Giddy, GHOUUUULS. And all I gots to say is trick or treat. It's almost Halls of Wing, and I'm gettin some tricks I don't know 'bout you HAHAHA. AND YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!! The question is what treats they be givin me. All I know is it better involve vanilla frosting. So there's my pick between those two.

SU: Wait what's the pick?
MI: Well, Giddy. That's not my job. That's not my job. We'll see next week.

SU: With that last comment we should really end things there. Mike, really appreciate your time, really looking forward to next week. Or am I?
MI: HAHAHAHAHA. I am too man, I am too. Now, let's throw it back to COACH DITKA!

SU: Motherfucker, this isn't Countdown. Stop that shit!

The Morning Wood - 10/16/2006

2006-10-16T08:11:00.000-04:00

Stud: Carlos Delgado
Somebody is excited to be in the playoffs finally! Carlos Delgado isn’t just a guy with a great set of teeth. He went 2-4 last night with his 3rd homerun of the NLCS in a 12-5 Game 4 Mets victory. Honorable mention has to go to Carlos Beltran for his abuse of Cardinals pitching the last two years (7 HRs) that has led to the usually even tempered St. Louis fans actually booing him at times. Although I must admit that I only consider Beltran a 4 tool player at this point. He looks very slow in the outfield and can’t seem to come in on any balls. I wasn’t sure how to make a joke there but it was probably going to involve Andy Dick.

Dud: The Raiders
So due to someone’s drinking problem at a certain TV network, the Raiders somehow managed to find themselves in a game with a national primetime broadcast. And wow, people had been saying that they were bad, but it’s one of those situations that you have to see for yourself to truly experience the suck. I don’t know where to start with this team. 13 Penalties. One stinkin’ field goal. Andrew Walter (who?) tossing an INT at the one. Warren Sapp questioning the length of Jerry Porter’s suspension. The only thing Sapp has managed to get a grip on in the last three years is a microphone. This is what happens when you bring back a head coach who was incompetent and out of his element ten years ago and expect anything of out of him. This team will be helpless until they are moved back to L.A. and Al Davis disappears.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Umm, what exactly did Steve Lyons say that was wrong? I’m not saying that he’s going to be missed but I don’t get it. First off, things that we know are true: Steve Lyons is a little bit out there. Lou Piniella is about Hispanic as my forearm freckles (if he were truly Hispanic, his last name would be pronounced “Pah nee ya”). The “finding a wallet” analogy sucked to begin with. But I don’t think that he should be fired. I’ll take Steve Lyons making slightly odd comments about people stealing his wallet and not being able to understand Piniella over Tim McCarver explaining to me that it’s good when pitchers throw first pitch strikes. Stupid P.C. world that we live in today.

Quick Hits...
Speaking of Jose Juan Carlos Louis Piniella, he might be getting the Cubs managing job. Pencil him back in for color commentary for the 2008 playoffs. Go Tigers! Detroit advanced to the World Series on the strength of Magglio Mullet's walk off HR. I am slightly concerned about Tigers fans getting cocky though, as they didn't see the need to burn cars and murder people after the victory. Is anyone else excited for Stephen Jackson's true defense in court, the "that big moon thing was looking at me all funny and I had to straighten it out" plea?

The Morning Wood - 10/13/2006

2006-10-13T13:43:00.000-04:00

Stud: Tom Glavine
Alright, who's ready for an SAT analogy? Here we go. . .
Sampson : hair as Tom Glavine : ?
If you guessed "FUPA," you're correct! As this wiley vet gets more bulbous around the waist/crotch region, his changeup gets that much more deceiving. He tossed 7 innings of 4-hit ball against a formerly venerable Cardinals lineup - which now consists of Albert Pujols surrounded by 7 guys from Nelly's entourage. Yay-uh! I guess I'm impressed by the start, but when you're facing a lineup whose #2 hitter once struck out 187 times in a season, you're not exactly going up against '76 Reds.

Dud: Radar Guns
I can't believe it took that rag USA Today to finally break some news about this, but at least someone has stepped up to the plate (pun intended) and call out FOX/ESPN on their questionable radar gun readings. I have no doubt that Joel Zumaya tosses the ball 100, and that Verlander can crank it up to the high 90s, but 103 and 101, respectively? That's Danny Almonte stuff, right there. Christ, they had MLB punchline Joel Kennedy throwing at 97 against the Tigers, and if you expect me to believe that this physique can toss it 96, you're sadly mistaken. Even Kenny Rodgers, who at 41 probably has trouble getting anything up, can get his heater up to 94, according to FOX. Yes, we're dumb Americans who like fast things, but don't deceive us like that, FOX.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Stephen Jackson was released after pleading not guilty and posting a $10k bond in relation to a fight outside of a Indianapolis strip club. After Jackson was punched in the head and eluded a car that was trying to hit him, he got his gun and fired it in the air five times, which I'm guessing is a hourly activity for him. Never has it been easier to picture someone doing that in my mind than it is w/good ol'SJ. Jackson's attorney was quoted as saying, "A group of thugs attacked a group of young men who were there." Which group Jackson is considered to be part of has yet to be determined. Fortunately, coach Rick Carlisle said that the distraction shouldn't be a problem, b/c Jackson "is a smart guy. He picks things up very quickly." Yes, like firearms, technical fouls, suspensions, felony charges and venerial diseases. Who's ready for the NBA!!!

Quick Hits...
Kurt Warner says that he might retire at the end of the season to spend more time w/his husband. This story needs to go away. My diagnosis? Chronic Mediocrity. There are an alarming number of "late withdrawls" and "player pullouts" on the WTA Tour. This is funny b/c I'm five-years-old. For a more effective method of contraception, I suggest having sex in a hot tub.

The Morning Wood - 10/11/2006

2006-10-11T08:12:00.000-04:00

Stud: Brandon Inge
Detroit Rock City! Brandon Inge, the catcher turned center fielder turned 3rd baseman, went 3 for 3 with a home run, 2 RBI's and a walk leading the Tigers (meow!) to a 5-1 victory over soon to be overpaid Barry Zito and the Athletics in game 1 of the ALCS. At least we know the A's woke up to the fact that they shouldn't even be in the championship series. I am so impressed with his exploits that I'm officially changing the name of my favorite hobby to "inge" drinking. Catchy!

Dud: Lawrence "Bumper Car" Phillips
Now Larry, let's just forgot about the fact that you Roy Tarpley and Ike Turner'd your way out of the NFL despite having an abundance of talent. That's been done. But man, you are a pretty sore loser. I've lost my fair share of pick up football games. Here's what you do: you take your Nerf turbo and you go home. You don't try and run your opponents over after. Well, now you're convicted of seven counts of assault with a deadly weapon and looking at up to 20 years in prison. Just so you know, “The Longest Yard” wasn’t actually a documentary and Adam Sandler isn’t going to be your QB, he’s not even in jail. Although I wouldn’t mind if he was.

Talk Around The Cooler:
So apparently Joe Torre is coming back after all of these needledick journalists said that he was already out the door. Yeah, needledick. I personally was hoping that he was leaving because I think he is a very good manager, especially in a hostile environment like the Citay. George Steinbrenner is a grumpy old man but he is no longer as wild and stupid as he once was. The long and short of it isn’t Torre, or even A-Rod for that matter, it’s the fact that you can’t win a five game series unless you have competent pitching. The sparkling Wang seems to be quite the find, up until the point he goes all Irabu/Contreras on them. But who else? Mousse the aged? Only Randy after popping Levitra Johnson? Until they find a reliable #2 who wasn’t around to march in protest of Vietnam, the Yankees aren’t going to win a World Series. And that isn’t Torre’s fault.

Quick Hits:
Watch out for the Celtics. And for people with porn mustaches. The NBA is going to cut down on complaining after foul calls, enforcing its zero tolerance policy. This is going to be a problem, especially for Antoine Walker, who has never actually commited a foul in his pro career and should have the right to plead his case each time. Democrat hopeful Heath Shuler is attempting to gain some votes by attaching his name to NASCAR. Yes, because NASCAR is such a blue state sport.

Rejected NHL Slogans for the 2006 Season

2006-10-06T14:12:00.000-04:00

NHL- I kind of maybe like this game
Teeth are for Pussies
Our Zambonis are now hybrids
Twice the Denim, Twice the Action
Our Entire League is Iced Out
Face Off isn't just a Great Movie
Got Mullet?
You Thought Steroids Were a Problem--We're Mixed up with the Mob!
Euros that Don't Hate the U.S.
Our Players Don't Carry Guns
It's Still Better than Talking to the Wife
Melrose's Place

The Morning Wood - 10/06/2006

2006-10-06T09:53:00.000-04:00

Stud: Old Man River
I wonder if "ageless veterans" mind being referred to as ageless, wily, crafty, cagy, etc. I'd be somewhat annoyed if those were the types of words people used to describe me. Fortunately terms such as angry, uppity and classless are my claim to fame.

Dud: Philadelphia 76ers
This kind of seals it. Obviously this isn't on par with our American team losing to Greece, but apparently we don't care about competing anymore. My only assumption is that we can't deal with lack of hygiene on the court. Love dirty euro's. Do Chinese and Japanese characters look like less of the written word and more like ink blot tests? Stop me now!!

Talk Around The Cooler:
Apparently Stephen Jackson mistook his drunkeness for a game of Grand Theft Auto last night. After getting hit by a car he engaged in some target practice, using his 9-milli to shoot back at the perpetrators. In a word - amazing. I love this guy.

If anybody knows how to beat his wife - and do it the right way, it's Brett Myers. Apparently this model of a man beat his wife into getting her to drop charges. Brilliant!! Albert Haynesworth has been calling him day and night for tips.

Quick MLB Playoff Round-up: In the series nobody cares about, the Cardinals are leading the Padres, 2-0 (horrible headline). The Yankees are hoping the Big Unit lays it on the Tigers. The Twins are looking to one-up Torii Hunter and do a full-on nose dive out of the playoffs.

Quick Hits:
I love Clinton Portis. Wow, I actually agree with Jason Whitlock. I guess I also love Pacman Jones - and I agree with him too.

The Morning Wood - 10/05/2006

2006-10-05T10:07:00.000-04:00

Stud: Carlos Delgado
After 13 years in the majors without as much as a sniff of the playoffs, Delgado (Spanish for "of or from the gado") made the most of his postseason debut, going 4-5 with a homer (God, I can't wait for the Celtics), as the Mets took game 1, 6-5. The Dodgers made a solid effort to come back, but Grady Little's decision to toss Brad Penny in an inning of relief - while he's scheduled to start game 4 - backfired. I actually think that Little's a pretty good manager, but maybe he should leave the pitching decisions to someone else from now on. Luckily, the Dodgers have 25-year-old rookie Hong-Chih Kuo starting game 2 for them. This might not be pretty, but it sure will be Asian.

Dud: Koren Robinson
Now, I don't consider addiction to be a humorous thing, but this guy's a real shitshow. What I don't get is why the judge is going to allow him finish the season before he serves his hard time. If you threw me on a team with Brett Favre, it would take every ounce of willpower I had to stay away from the bottle. Imagine how hard it's going to be for ol'Koren.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Seriously, who is the Dodgers' third base coach? Jenny Finch? I'm guessing you all saw the play where two runners get tagged out at home, consecutively. I guess it would be one thing if Jeff Kent, the first runner, had been in a tight play - maybe he could have trucked the catcher, giving J.D. Drew a clear path - but Kent was hosed by a good 25 feet. What would possess you to send the second guy? No excuse.

So I was flippin' around the ol'tube yesterday, and NBAtv is showing 2-hour episodes of teams' preseason practices. While it might seem boring to some, I think the dynamic is really worth checking out. Coaches do their best to motivate the guys, but you can tell that they all have that, "I'll work sort of hard, but know that I'm bankin' $8mil more than you" look in their eye. I caught the Wiz in action last night, and here were my favorite highlights: Calvin Booth, for a guy who really sucks, doesn't work hard at all; Antionio Daniels practices in a long-sleeved shirt; Eddie Jordan continuously makes jokes about Gilbert Arenas pulling up from just over half-court - funny, but he probably cries himself to sleep at night thinking aobut the same thing; and finally, Michael Ruffin, unfortunately, still looks like this.

Quick Hits:
Consipracy Alert: MLB wants old-man Mike Mussina to have a good start. Phil, that soulpatch is all the hip you need. Which side do I hate more in this arguement? Check out the Loaiza quote. If spilling coffee on someone isn't baseball, then I don't know what is.

The Morning Wood - 10/04/2006

2006-10-04T08:09:00.000-04:00

Stud: Frank Thomas
In ya Herschel-Walkeresque face Kenny Williams!! The Big Hurt took his pain out on the Twinkies, hitting two home runs to lead the A's to a game one victory. I can't wait until someone writes a book about Billy Beane signing Thomas called "How I won the AL west while paying a former MVP only $500,000 after he was driven out of Chicago-Ball"

Dud: Mets starting pitching
Pardon me, I have to type this quickly, I have to get down to Shea to loosen up to possibly start game 1. El Duque, who is so old that his made up age of 40 is actually still ancient, injured his calf when doing laps with his walker yesterday and could be scratched from his scheduled start today. Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking? Amputate The Duque's leg, tie Pedro's old buddy Nelson de la Rosa to his thigh, and he still goes out and throws 7 innings of 2 run ball? You weren't thinking of that? Oh. Well, on to the next segment.

Talk Around The Cooler:
Fuck the Cooler! Ignore your Coworkers, especially when they want to tell you that the A's "solved Johan Santana", the Cards are World Series bound, and that Derek Jeter is the new Mr. October because he had five hits against the Tigers 4th or 5th best starter. Although please mention that Mike Stanley, scrub catcher, also had five hits in a playoff game for the Red Sox in 1999 and no one is trying to suck him off.

Quick Hits:
Ravens return specialist BJ Sams (his first and last name are in constant battle to corner the bulk shopping market) was charged with DUI for the second time in shortly over a year. He faces a stiff penalty from the NFL, which takes DUI very seriously, unlike murdering a person, which they seem to shrug off. Brett Favre will return to practice on Wednesday after suffering head and shoulder injuries in Monday’s game against the Eagles that knocked him out of the game. Ever resilient, Favre said that if he had needed to, he could have been back throwing interceptions and one-hoppers to his teammates yesterday. Clint Dempsey was name the U.S. soccer player of the year, which also should put him in the top 400 players in the world.

The Morning Wood - 10/02/2006

2006-10-03T09:36:00.000-04:00

There's only one lazy member of the trio that half-heartedly contributes to this blog and that's me.

Stud: Donovan McNabb
McNabb showed us last night how great he is and at the same time how horrible the Packers are. Has anyone been so consistently good with such a lack of surrounding talent? Only this guy comes to mind.

Dud: Alcoholic Painkiller Abusers
So, Brett Favre has a good game against the Detroit Lions and everyone's talking about how "he's back." The Lions have given up 34, 31, and 41 points in their last 3 games. Not such a stout defense if I might say so. I'm assuming last night that Brett's painkillers weren't working well enough so he thought a drink or two would do the trick to loosen him up. And it definitely worked. I admit, I'd be a bit uptight if I held my team hostage for an entire offseason then decided at the last second to come back - knowing I had nothing left. But there's nothing like a good dose of "I don't give a fuck" to get you throwing interceptions and making Heath Shuler-like decisions. #4 - I like your steez. In the immortal words of Deion Sanders, "it must be the money."

Talk Around The Cooler:
The MLB playoffs start today and of course I've already read a number of articles alluding to Jeter's intangibles. Let me tell you, I can't wait to see him not do anything on the field but have that something he did while sitting in the dugout or masturbating this morning be the primary reason the Yankees win every game. I don't know who has more of a perma-boner - Jeter for constantly being fellated by the media or the media being so eager to fellate him.

The Marlins clearly don't like having a manager on board that exceeds expectations. Seriously, why be profitable and marginally successful when you can be profitable and bad. Why give fans any hope? Is Marlins management still confused about why they don't get any backing for a new stadium? This makes no sense. Owners need to stop meddling with team chemistry.

So apparently Albert Haynesworth saw Stomp and was so moved by the show he wanted to bring that joy to the field. Unfortunately, he mistook Andre Gurode's dome for a percussion instrument. If Andre Gurode's cranium were more solid and he were a little more fucking willing, instead of being a bitch, I'm confident we would have witnessed on of the best percussion based performances on a football field ever. Maybe next time, Albert...maybe next time.

Quick Hits:
Michigan State football - downward spiral. Pete Rose needs to shut the fuck up.

The Morning Wood - 09/29/2006

2006-09-29T08:25:00.000-04:00

Stud: Daniel Cabrera
My personal sleeper pick in fantasy this year, Cabrera demonstrated why I was rocking an RB in preseason, pitching 8 and a third of no hit ball. Robinson Cano’s single was the only hit he allowed and he somehow managed to only walk two. I can’t wait until I take him way too early next year. When asked for his comments on the performance, some one shivved Kevin Millar before he could get a word out.

Dud: St. Louis Cardinals
I haven’t seen Cardinals suck this hard since they started soaking altar boys in honey. St. Louis has lost 8 of their last 9 games and the Astros are breathing down their sundresses. Fortunately for them, Jeff Weaver (already the DeVito to Jered Weaver’s Schwarzenegger) is starting tonight to attempt to end the streak. Don’t rule out this being a Selig conspiracy to let Roger Clemens get into the playoffs. Either way I’ll take it because I can’t handle Tony LaRussa getting out coached once again in the playoffs. Also, when did the NL Central become the NL West? The Cards are 4 games over .500

Talk Around The Cooler:
Hold the presses on those Subway Series T-shirts America! Petey Martinez is apparently out for the year with a torn tendon in his left calf muscle. Personally, I am shocked that a) it wasn’t something in his weary arm and b) he didn’t tear something earlier in the year dancing to salsa with SU Colleague Jose Lima. The Red Sox organization has taken a ton of heat this year for not having any pitching but I still believe that they made the right decision when it came to Pedro: he has had numerous trips to the DL this year and still has two years left on his bloated contract. Now if only the Sox hadn’t reinvested that saved money into this asshole, who somehow combines the physical fragileness of Pedro with the mental weakness of Derek Lowe.

Quick Hits:
Jay Williams (aka Hell's Angel) signed a non guaranteed contract with the New Jersey Nets. His determination and effort should be congratulated for making it back in to NBA form. That being said, that franchise doesn't exactly have a great track record when it comes to Jay Williams'. George Brett's bust was stolen from the Missouri sports Hall of Fame yesterday. It hit clean up for the Royals last night. The Toronto Blue Jays passed the Boston Red Sox in the AL East standings. There's no punchline there. Apparently AJ + BJ trumps the bloody HJ that the Sox have been offering this year. Jevon Kearse's knee injury is not as severe as originally thought.
After the initial surgery, the doctors are saying that he will only have to rest on his laurels from 1999 for 3 months.

Have a great weekend fans, all two of you.

The Morning Wood - 09/28/2006

2006-09-28T13:15:00.000-04:00

Stud: Nothing last night warranted a "stud" nomination. No, not Pujols' homer, not the extra inning results. Nothing, no one. I have high (read: feeling lazy today)

Dud: Pedro Martinez
So much for a playoff tuneup. Pedro was beaten up worse than Robin Givens in his outing last night against the Braves. His line: 2 2/3 IP, 7R and 8H. That is not good. Even worse, Pedro had this to say: "I should be in a rehab start right now, but I'm doing it against major-leaguers. I'm rushing it. I'm putting my numbers in jeopardy. I'm putting myself in jeopardy. I'm putting everything in jeopardy doing it this way, but it's the only way I'm going to get better."

Talk Around The Cooler:
In another disappointing chapter of the cannibalistic chronicles of Mike Tyson, the bankrupt boxer has announced he'll be returning to the sport for a boxing exhibition tour. Reason he's doing this - he's bankrupt. What will be the result of this tour - even more debt. When you've managed to squander $300 million dollars, you can't tell me the amazing accountant that is Mike Tyson won't squander the chump change he'll be getting from this spectacle. One thing I definitely am looking forward to are the amazing soundbites we've all come to love.

So, the white media has finally discovered "lean." Some of you might think that it's sizzurp, but no this is a bit different. This is sizzurp mixed with a Molotov cocktail of other things two large shipments of codeine he'd directed to Houston. If i'm Kiels, the best thing to say is: "my mom's got whooping cough. The bitch needs cough medicine." And it's a wrap - case closed.

Quick Hits:
Michigan is for losers. Oh the fucking irony. Finally - ESPN has seen the light

The Morning Wood - 09/27/2006

2006-09-27T11:26:00.000-04:00

We've been slackin on our pimpin over here at sportsuntertainment, but I promise that we'll make a half-ass'd effort to pick things up. On to the news...

Stud: Grady Brewer
This 35-year-old journeyman fighter who works 12-hour days at a tire factory won The Contender finale last night, which gave him a cool half-mil and a new truck, which he said he's going to give to ma and pa. What a guy. He beat Steve Forbes, who was actually a one-time world champion at 130 lbs. Stevie moved up to 149 to compete in the tourney, but my question is what the hell is a world champ doing in a tournament designed for the underdogs of the boxing world? It's like letting this guy compete in American Idol. God, I love J.T. You too? Yeah? Sorry. Either way, the final bout was very entertaining, and it was good to watch this Cinderella story unfold.

Dud: Dennis Green
This dufus is going back on his decision to start Matt Leinart in lieu of Kurt Warner for their week 4 matchup against the Falcons. Why? Did Warner's wife and her gang of lesbian street-toughs threaten Green's life? Does Dennis like the fact that Warner's got the kind of haircut you could eat dinner off of? Or did Kurt summon his best friend, The Almighty, to change DG's mind? Who knows. Either way, it's an awful decision. Looks like Leinart will have to go back to his normal weekly activity of schtuping everything that moves.

Talk Around the Cooler:
Apparently Terrell Owens took 35 pain-killers in what looks to be an attempted suicide last night. Fortunately, it was unsuccessful. Tough to tell what would cause him to do such a thing, but here's to hoping that the somewhat enigmatic, always eccentric star gets his mind in a good place.

The Mavs locked up Dirk Nowitzki through 2011 yesterday. I'll make the somewhat bold prediction that they corral (get it, Mavericks, corral???) two titles from now until then. Something tells me that Dirk will soon find the extra motivation that he needs to put his team over the top.

Quick Hits...
Tim Salmon announced his retirement today, which is approximately four years after he started mailing it in. Jeff Fisher will try to one-up Denny Green's stupidity by sticking with Kerry "Tom" Collins this week. They really should have held on to Volek. Barry Bonds says he's going to play ball in 2007, which means he will probably break Hank Aaron's all-time homerun mark. This should set up the most awkward celebration since this.

The Morning Wood - 09/25/2006

2006-09-25T10:55:00.000-04:00

The three writers on this world-reknowned blog are slacking (as usual) today and have brought in a prized recruit to hold up the fort. Ladies and Gentleman, the return of Johnny "I carry Europe on my Shoulders" Mac...enjoy the wood.

Stud: Nomaaaaaah!!!
I know yesterday was a big day for football, but this national league card race is something else and Nomar really helped the Dodger’s cause by hitting his second walk off in less than a week. And this one was a grand slam. Questioned after the game, Nomar said part of his inspiration was to get this horrible use of photoshop out of his mind. I think Mia Hamm is about 4’2” 180 in that pic. It’s horrible.

Dud: US Ryder Cup Team
In back to back routes, the US is getting asses handed to them in this tourney. It’s pathetic. The US hasn’t been dominated by a European power so badly since this guy was in power, although more recently they had a pretty good string of dominance, and this guy just mystifies me. You do have to feel good for Darren Clarke though, who sank an amazing chip shot the other day, and is certainly the feel good story of the event, after recently losing his wife.

Talk Around The Cooler:
The Tigers clinched a playoff berth for the first time since they had Lou Whitaker and Alan Trammell. I’m not even sure if those jokes make any sense, but hey, it’s funny to me!
Mark Brunell set a record for consecutive completed passes which is very impressive considering his receivers have only had a couple of months to review their new offensive coordinator’s playbook.

Quick Hits: The Bengals knocked of the Steelers yesterday in impressive fashion. Peyton Manning once again proved he can come up big when it doesn’t really count. Trevor Hoffman broke the saves record. of this man. (That one was for hasmitt!).

The Afternoon Wood - 09/21/2006

2006-09-21T07:59:00.000-04:00

Don't call it a comeback!!!! We (me) back in this bitch! In all honesty, I've been a tad bit lazy (almost getting fired from my jobby job) so my apologies to our 2 loyal readers. I'm not funny anyway. That being said...on to the Wood.

Stud: Dontrelle Willis
Victor Conte Alert! This man is on the juice. Dontrelle was 3-4 with 3 RBI and 2 HR's last night against the Mets. He's also 8-0 lifetime against the Metropolitanss. Convential wisdom says he'd be undefeated if he pitched for the Mets. That thought is actually conventional tomfoolery. From the mound he pitched a solid 81/3 innings.

Dud: White Sox
This is obviously not based on by how much they lost. This is a comment on how they lost and how their fans were acting during the game. There was no effort, no life to the team whatsoever. Rather than supporting the team while it's down, the White Sox faithful opted instead to boo the team. They played like their season was over. We all know their season is over. I'll miss Ozzie and his always conservative banter.

Talk Around The Cooler
I know this has been discussed by everybody already, but I want to comment on the Oklahoma - Oregon situation. First of all, fuck Oklahoma for acting as though this is the first time a team's ever lost a game due to a bad call. If they're going to act this way, why don't we overturn EVERY game that's been decided by a bad call. Fucking sore losers. And what the fuck is the university president doing getting involved in this? Doesn't he have more important things to worry about - like academics. Not that academics really exist at that university. The snobbery of my amazing educational background is coming through.

Apparently a drunk Irishman decided to publish a news article about Tiger Woods' "porn star wife" and a few other members of the Davis Cup team's spouses.

It's not cool to clinch a division by losing...it really isn't. A few insider tidbits from the party: Alex Rodriguez was barred from celebrating because teammates said he'd take the life out of the party. Giambi ran around the locker room laughing hysterically/crying and injecting everyone with HGH, Bernie Williams on the other hand massaged his knees and balls with Ben Gay while singing some Aaron Neville tunes.

Quick Hits:
Ryan Howard for MVP? He thinks not. Bo Jacskon loves Tecmo Bowl. I guess they just like to cheat in the Northwest.

The Morning Wood - 09/14/2006

2006-09-14T09:16:00.000-04:00

Stud: Darren Clarke
This is another one of those “sports aren’t life” moments as Clarke makes his first appearance after his wife’s death. I put him down as a stud because I am rooting for him to get some sort of solace or peace of mind through golf. Best of luck to him, even in the Ryder Cup.

Dud: Armando Benitez
You fat bastard. Benitez is done for the season due to inflammation in his right knee. Since the Giants signed this pile of lard pudding, he has given them 68.1 innings in two years and several DL stints. I know bad knees are tough to get rid of but HEY, don’t you think that part of this might be due to the 270 you’re carrying around all the time. Try the Salad!

Talk Around the Cooler:
So I can tell fall is coming because I now see everyone on espn.com discussing the meaning of “valuable”. I’ve even seen definitions even: valuable: of great use or service. And every year reporters and analysts get whipped in to a fever about who should be the MVP and what “value” means to a team. Is Derek Jeter more valuable than David Ortiz because the Yankees are running away with the East? Is Ryan Howard more valuable than Ortiz because his team is in a playoff race, even though the Phillies don’t have as good a record as the Red Sox? Is Albert Pujols more valuable because no one else can hit on his team? It’s enough to chafe the nips with chest beating. I will say this: as out of it as the Red Sox are right now, I’m not sure they would be within five games of the Blue Jays right now without David Ortiz. But, couple the lack of team playoff contention and the fact that he doesn’t play in the field, and Ortiz will miss out once again. Jermaine Dye and Justin Morneau are fine candidates this year but I think Ortiz is being dragged down by a shitshow of rookie pitchers and DL stints. Please MLB, create a MOP award for most Outstanding player and just ignore the team records.

Quick Hits...
The police plan on pursuing a DUI charge against Steve Foley after his incident on September 3rd. Is anyone interested in seeing his BLC (Blood Lead content) at the end of the night? Karl Malone stands accused of offering an illegal bribe to a hunting buddy to take the blame for an illegal elk hunting trip. Karl Malone, even your crimes are white, you honky!! The Patriots are seeking $730K from Deion Branch for fines from this offseason and a portion of his original 2002 bonus. Uh oh, how’s he going to pay for that? STRAIGHT CASH HOMEY!! You want a real scary ass movie: The Snake on a Two Minute Drill. Yikes!

The Morning Wood - 09/13/2006

2006-09-13T10:10:00.000-04:00

Sorry about the lack of wood yesterday. Sometimes, it's just not there in the morning.

Stud: Bobby Abreu
This guy has been on fiiiyyyaaah since coming to the Jankees many moons ago, and last night, during Hideki Matsui return to the squad, BAbs tallied 6 rbis in the first inning - which is second all-time, right next to Fernando Tatis, who, until I actually see him in person and touch him to make sure he's real, I'm refusing to believe is back in the league. Six in one inning puts him in elite company with Matt Stairs, Carlos Quintana, and Matt Williams. Abreu finished w/7 rbis, while Matsui went 4-4, which basically tells me that they waited too long to get him back after this injury. Seriously, they could have used him earlier to put a little distance between themselves and the Sox. Fuck.

Dud: Mitch Cozad
The backup punter for the University of Northern Colorado was arrested yesterday for stabbing his rival and starting punter Rafael Mendoza in the kicking leg in an attempt to win the job. I really don't even know what to say about this. I can only assume that he went TonyaHarding on him b/c he was jealous of all the startingpunterattheUniversityofNorthernColoradopoozle he was getting on a bi-monthly basis.

Talk Around the Cooler:
So disgrunted Raiders receiver Jerry Porter, who was reportedly laughing and pumping his fist after Aaron Brooks was sacked for the 7th time Monday night, has said that that's not the case b/c "[he] wasn't even paying attention to the game." Awesome. I think that's the only way he could have made the situation worse. He's like a mini-T.O., only with fewer pregame shows dedicated to all aspects of his existance. Man, football is the ultimate team game.

The United States Men's Soccer team dropped to 29th in the world yesterday. Before the Cup, they were up there in the top ten, and now we're behind the likes of Guinea (Guinea??!!!), Egypt, Turkey, and Cote d'Ivoire. When asked about the sudden dip, recently retired captain Brian McBride said, "Has anyone seen my Jimmy Choo slingbacks?"

Quick Hits...
Deion Branch signed a six-year, $39 million contract with the Seahawks, with $13 million in guaranteed money, which is a huge "fuckyou" to the Patriots, and I'm pleased about it. He did the right thing for himself and his family. Some goalie signed a 15-year deal with the NY Islanders. 99.34% of the United States couldn't give a shit. Ben Roethlisberger wants to play on Monday night, and frankly, I think the organization should trust his decision-making skills. Brett Favre sucks. That's all.

The Morning Wood - 09/11/2006

2006-09-11T09:00:00.000-04:00

Stud: Roger Federer
Has there been anyone more dominant in tennis over a three year period? I’m no historian but I have my doubts. He has won 9 out of the last 14 Grand Slam events and seems to just be toying with the competition. Unless someone catches him on clay, it is light’s out. It was nice to see Roddick take a set and battle in the third, but like Vza mentioned on Friday, it just seems that Roddick was killing every shot and running himself ragged while Federer moved effortlessly and ripped silent winners. And now the latest is that he and Tiger Woods have formed the “shitting on our sports” club, which involves Dom P. and laughing about the lack of competition their white American colleagues provide.

Dud: Carolina Panthers
Everyone’s favorite pick to make the Super Bowl this year, this crew came out and stunk up the joint, losing 20-6 to the Hotlanta Falcons. Now they were missing uberstud Steve Smith, but you have to be better than this, especially when Michael Vick tosses his typical 10/22 up there. This just in, the Falcons are going to run the ball down your throats: make an adjustment.
P.S. Michael Vick should not be a QB. I’m sorry, just end the expirement. He is insanely explosive but 10/22? That’s not a QB’s line, that’s Shaq from the free throw stripe.

Talk Around the Cooler:
The Central is crazy as shit. The slutty Twins took three of four from the Tigers this weekend and are hoping to get Fran Liriano back this week. The White Sox , despite a rough stretch, are still on 3.5 out. This is the pennant race to watch this fall. The N.L. west just makes me feel dirty, like two fat people having sex in the back of a pick up truck. Jim Leyland has to be smoking a carton a day at this point.

Quick Hits...
Eh, not too much here: Ryan Howard is frigging amazing. Much ado about a banana. The Red Sox were finally able to get past the Royals. The Texans are already regretting their decision. I've got nothing.

2006 NFC North Preview

2006-09-10T12:40:00.000-04:00

I don't know about you, but I'm really looking forward to what our total win/loss number is when we're done. I'll throw some money down on it not being even...

Chicago Bears
This team is certainly quite the enigma. Snarf. There's no question that their defense is the class of the NFL, but the offensive side of the ball is a complete mess. Is Rex Grossman actually good? I feel like, last season, everyone just sort of assumed that he was great because he got to follow the stellar act of Kyle Orton-hears-a-happyhour. How many times did they use the phrase, "he gives us a chance to win?" What does that even mean? A 59.7 quarterback rating does that? What ever happened to helping your team win? This irks me. At running back, there's Thomas Jones - who I refuse to believe is good after those years in 'zona/TB - and then Cedric Benson - who I refuse to believe wants to play football. Their #1 wideout is washed up, I won't even bother discussing their #2, and their tight end is anything but tight. There's a good chance that Mike Brown will lead this team in touchdowns. That being said, there's a good chance they might not give up one the entire season.

Key Games:
October 1 vs. Seattle: Really, really tough to see them winning this game - even in their own house. Seattle's defense is no slouch, and their offense, with Shaun Alexander and Matt Hasslebeck, is light-years ahead of Chi-town's. Should be interesting.

November 12 at NY Giants: One of the league's best offenses vs. the best D. Should be fun watching Brian Ur...waitwaitwait...I mean Brian Urlacher patrol the middle vs. Tiki/Shockey/Plexiglass.

Impact Player(s): I'd take anyone in their secondary. Sick. Between Charles Tillman, Nathan Vasher, Mike Brown and Chris Harris, they had 19 interceptions and 3 TDs last year. Plus, they tossed in Ricky Manning Jr. as a backup, just for sport. This is a 25-year-old man who had 3 INTs in an NFC championship game, folks. Try using your laptop in front of him at Denny's. I dare you. Nerd.

Worst Player: #2 wideout Bernard Berrian had 13 catches and zero TDs last season, which just sucks. I mean, the Bears secondary outdid him in both categories. Does he give Chicago a chance to win?

Prediction: 12 - 4

Detroit Lions
I have no clue what to think of this team. Half of me is pretty optimistic: you've got Mike Martz coming into the mix as the offensive coordinator - a position that he's proven himself quite adept at; half of me thinks Jon Kitna is actually pretty good, especially when teaming up with Roy Williams and Mike Williams; stud rookie LB; they've got a solid o-line that will open up holes for Kevin Jones; and Shaun Rodgers and James Hall are beasts on the d-line. Then, I get to thinking...Jon Kitna's going to be 34? He's got a Kurt Warner thing going on? His backup is Ivan Drago/equally Jesus-freak'd? Is Kevin Jones even good? Mike Williams has been demoted to the third string? More wildcards than my fifth grade game of poker.

Key Games:
September 10 vs. Seattle: This game should probably answer a few of the aforementioned questions. I think Martz is going to have a huge effect on this team, and against Seattle's D, we'll see whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.

October 8 at Minnesota: With Green Bay cellar-dwelling while Brett Favre's teammates try to figure out ways to subtly break his arm, Minnesota should be Detroit's comp for #2 in the division. They'll need this game on the road to have any shot at a playoff spot.

November 23 vs. Miami: Thanksgiving Day: a staple in Detroit. Somehow, someway, let's get his lefty magic out there. If I'm on Detroit's o-line, I'm in Jason Taylor's ear all game with endless references to Zach Thomas stuffing his sister's turkey. I'm five. GobbleGobble.

Impact Player: Dre Bly doesn't get enough credit for being one of the few lockdown corners in the league. Like a fine CabSav, he gets better and better with age . He's going to have to hold together a otherwise questionable secondary.

Worst Player: I don't know why, but I'm sick of seeing this guy try to open up holes like a bull in a china shop (favorite idiom). That being said, if I ever get into a barfight, I want to see this face come running through a wall to help me out.

Prediction: 9 - 7

Green Bay Packers
Should be a fun season for those crazy cheeseheads. I'm telling you, they're crazy. They've actually got a pretty decent defense going on, with rook AJ Hawk - certain to become a new whitehomomiddlelinebackerannouncerfavorite - and Charles Woodson - who, while overrated, should make a solid cover duo with Al Harris. All that being said, they're still relying on everybody's (re: all NFL secondary's) favorite gunslinger, Brett Favre. Hey, uh, Brett, how many interceptions you going to throw against Chicago this year? Oh yeah? Tell ya what, I'll take the over. At least you didn't hold the team hostage for the majority of the offseason. Oh wait, you did do that? Shit. And your best receiver bolted? Ahman Green is coming off knee surgery? Plus he's washed up? Two rookie guards are starting? Offensive fireworks in Lambeau, I tell ya. At least the fans have the nice weather to look forward to.

Key Games:
September 17 vs. New Orleans: I'm guessing that newly appointed commish Roger Goodell had the league schedule this game to give a little ray of sunshine to a city that's fallen on hard times. I think the Bush/Hawk matchup should be a rookie of the year battle, plus it's a funny juxtaposition of names.

November 5 vs. Buffalo: Two pisspoor teams might actually put together an entertaining game in some cold-ass weather. Forget that the win will probably be meaningless, this game might actually be fun to watch.

Impact Player: Samkon Gado spent his offseason working at a local hospital to further his goal of becoming a doctor and returning to Nigera. That shit is badass. My guess is that by the time people remember Ahman Green fumbles the football almost as much as Brett throws it to the other squad, Samkon will be the man in the backfield. By the way, he didn't even start at bible-waivin', Division I-AA Liberty University. Go Pack.

Worst Player: My guess is that if Kabeer Gbaja-Biamila's name was Greg Smith, you would have never heard of him. He tossed up a paltry 8 sacks last year to go along with 53 tackles. Not that great from your #1 pass rush guy.

Prediction: 4 - 12

Minnesota Vikings
Ah, the Vikings. While it is true that one man, a team does not make, in their case a couple years ago, two did it. So now that the Culpepper/Moss era has finally come to a complete close, they can go on with Brad Johnson, the least exciting quarterback in the league, Fred Smoot, Bryant McKinnie & co. I think the pickup of Chester Taylor from Baltimore is a significant upgrade at RB, and while the loss of Koren Robinson hurts, I think Troy Williamson is going to prove himself to be at least a capable #1. Speaking of which, things really got awkward in the locker room this preseason when Robinson tried to make out w/the 'Sauce. I'll be here all night.

Key Games:
September 17 vs. Carolina: This would be a huge win in week 2 for the Vikings, especially if they handle the Redskins on opening day. Steve Smith vs. Smoot should be an interesting matchup, and if they start out 2-0, that should be enough to get the fans in Minnesota pumped up just enough to make their annual late season chokejob that much more difficult to swallow (you're thinking of the cruise, aren't you? You sick bastards).

September 24 vs. Chicago: Another early season test, if they can take this one from division favorite Chicago, that would be huge. Personally, I don't think they have a chance, but We'll see what first year coach Brad Childress has up his sleeve.

Impact Player: Napolean Harris is going to be critical for this defense. He's got to regain his 100+ tackle form that he showed in Oakland a few years ago. If he can do that, he'll solidify a mediocre linebacking corps that is sandwiched in between an above average secondary and d-line, which will give them a formidable defense. I think he's got it in him, but we shall see.

Worst Player: I think this is the first year that I went through a fantasy draft without anyone picking Travis Taylor - a perennial cocktease, coincidentally something that doesn't really fit in with the Vikings' mantra. Marcus Robinson is going to have to step up until he breaks his femur in 8 places for the 6th consecutive year.

Prediction: 7 - 9

The Morning Wood - 09/08/2006

2006-09-08T10:57:00.000-04:00

Stud: Charlie Batch
Hey BigBen, go get crazy on that motorcycle! Go nuts! Mr. Batch, playing in front of a slew of hometown friends and family, went for 209 yards and 3 touchdowns, along with a no-joke 126.5 qb rating to lead the Steelers to a 28-17 victory over the Dolphins. Kudos to Charlie, but I also think that this showcased a huge weakness in the secondary for the Fish, astutely pointed out by my esteemed colleague, Hasmitt, in his AFC East preview. Batch also combined with Hines Ward for a score, which Hasmitt loved, b/c he likes his touchdowns the way he likes his coffee: extra light, very sweet. Awww.

Dud: Michelle Wie
Stop. Just stop. Michelle, you've had your fun playing with the boys, but now it's time to actually win a tournament against some good ol'fashioned, cake-baking, vacuum-toting skirts. She commented that "her bunker play was better." Any time that your sample size from the sand in one round is large enough to formulate an opinion, that's not a good thing. The difference between you and some club pro is a Nike contract and these, but you don't see them getting a free pass at any of these tournaments. You're a prodigy, now realize some of that potential against your peers, before I get really upset.

Talk Around the Cooler:
As I was watching the NFL's opening game, I found myself flipping back and forth to the US Open as an alternative to sticking a fork in my eyeball in order to ease the pain of listening to Jon Madden. James Blake, #5 in the world, was taking on top-seeded Roger Federer. Blake was playing out of his mind - probably the best I've ever seen him play - just smacking the shit out of the ball, and Federer was off his game, which lead to a 7-6, 6-0, 6-7, 6-4 victory for Federer. As well as Blake was playing, at no point in the match did it seem like he had even the most remote chance of winning. This is the #5 player in the world. Federer is a fucking machine, and it's a beautiful thing to watch. He even kind of looks like a robot, with the deep-set, shadowy eyes and the unchanging, calm demeanor. Someone on the tour needs to step up, and I think I have just the answer.

Quick Hits...
Ryan Howard hit his 54th homerun last night, putting him on pace to hit an unasterik'd 63. All this while making a paltry $355k. Someone get this man a raise. I didn't think I could hate Tony Siragusa any more, but he's proved me wrong. You pick the fucking stupiest story. Options are #1, #2, and #3. Science, you really need to chill. Sometimes, the masculine lure is just too much for one woman to handle.

The Morning Wood - 09/07/06

2006-09-07T08:39:00.000-04:00

Stud: Anibal Sanchez
Jesus must hate the Red Sox. Sanchez threw the first no hitter in over two years in only his 13th career start. Meanwhile, Josh Beckett is probably giving up at least 4 hits per bullpen session at this point in the year. Hanley Ramirez is looking like a still-doing-pretty-well-for-himself man’s Jose Reyes. I need a drink. The Marlins have more young talent than the Mouseketeers in the Timberlake/Spears/Aguilera years.
P.S. Just so you know, I envision bad things happening to Anibal Sanchez. He’s a young talented pitcher for the Marlins: check the track record there. He also seems to be on the Bartolo Colon dieting plan. If he’s in the league in five years with an era under 5 or a body weight under 240, I would be amazed. And no, that isn’t sour grapes.

Dud: Rafael Nadal
There is something about this guy that just pisses me off. Maybe it’s the pipes, his Spanish sensuality, his cromagnon face, I’m not sure. Either way, I was definitely hoping for another RFed (Imagine if Roger Federer and Kevin Federline switched personalities. Actually, don’t.) Nadal match up in the finals. But then he ran into Mikhail Youzhny, a Russian and a half and the dream match up is gone. According to Mikhail, the US fans were chanting “You” because his last name is too hard to pronounce. For some reason, I have a mental picture of a stadium filled with Robert Deniros, all doing the “yoou” from the movie Analyze This. Also, Americans are even ugly Americans in their own country. Amazing.

Talk Around The Cooler:
I remember a day when I used to like the letter B. It started so many of my favorite words: beer, booze, breasts, baseball, burritos, B-Movies, bigamy, Big Boy, etc. But that has all gone to hell. Now it is leading off for everything wrong with sports: B-12 vitamins, Barry Bonds, BALCO, blood doping, and lately, the B-sample. The A Sample had a nice run but now the B’s career has taken off quicker than Kristin Cavallari’s after she decided to swallow more often. The latest is that Marion Jones’ B-sample is negative after her A-Sample from a month ago turned up positive for EPO (EPMD’s cousin). But clean B-Sample or not, the truth is this: Jones is just another athlete that will forever have a stain of doubt on her career in this era. The age of innocence and delicious ignorance has been forever lost.

Quick Hits:
The WNBA Finals are still going on? What’s this five game business? This has to be the world’s longest period. John Welbourn, a retired Chiefs tackle, was suspended for six weeks for violating the league’s drug policy. Umm, what exactly is he suspended from doing? Watching the games on Sunday? Seeing his family? Eddie Guardado is done for the year after the Reds found major damage in his 75 year old left arm. Here’s to hoping he saved up enough money from the ’49 gold rush to have the surgery covered. Speaking of old, Gary Payton resigned with the Heat for a year. Pat Riley apparently wanted someone to support him in complaining about “these young whipper snappers with their rip rap music and their plimped out cars”. Everyone once in a while, getting in so deep with sports causes us to lose touch with what actually matters in the real world: here’s to hoping Jon Lester has a full recovery from his battle with cancer.

2006 AFC East Preview

2006-09-06T12:34:00.000-04:00

New England Patriots
I just can’t see how the Patriots don’t win 11 games this year and run away with the AFC East. Other than Laurence Maroney, they haven’t added any real pieces while losing Big Kick Adam, Willie McGinest, David Givens, and potentially Deion Branch. Fortunately for them, it appears that the NFL owed them a B.J., which is what their schedule is. They still have Bilbo Belichick and Tom Brady and that should be enough to win the East. Interesting stat: Tom Brady completed 63% of his passes last year, which is also the percentage of male Pats fans who would have sex with Tom Brady if he asked them to.

Key Games:
September 24th vs. Denver: It's revenge time as the Pats face the teams that knocked them out of the playoffs last year. Well, in actuality, the Patriots would have to play themselves to face the team that beat them in the playoffs but you know what I mean.

October 1st at Cincinnati: If their secondary is in the same shape as it was last year, this game could go for a combined 80 points. Kind of like this guy and this guy on an IQ test. It is their toughest challenge on the road this season.

November 5th vs. Indy: Who's better Tom Brady or Peyton Manning? While this question has Salisbury tossing fingers at himself, the real questions are these: how much do the Colts hate the winter in New England and how many yards will the game winning field goal kicked by Adam Vinatieri be?

Impact Player: Mr. Cheap Shot himself, Rodney Harrison. If he can come back from his horrific knee injury and get back to his old playing level, the Pats defense will once again be effective. If not, this guy could throw on this team.

Worst Player: Monty Beisel. Everything you're looking for in an awful player: stupid name, lack of pigment, 44 tackles in 2005. Shit, if Ted Johnson can figure out Belichick's system, you sure should be able to.

Prediction: 12 -4

Miami Dolphins
I was pretty excited about the 'Fins heading into this year as they finished 2005 on a strong note, winning their last six games. The Saban era had begun. Then I happened to actually look at who they defeated (Oak, Buff, S.D, Jets, Titans, and the 3rd String Pats) and I think I may have been duped like the tall blonde girl with the short white skirt you see from behind who ends up having a face like Dee Snyder. They added The Skipper Daunte Culpepper and he will have a permasmile surrounded by talents like Chris Chambers, Randy McMichael, and Ronnie Brown. But what the hell happened to the defense? The only member of the secondary I recognize is Will Allen and that isn't even a good thing. The only thing more awkward than Jason Taylor splitting Zach Thomas' sister in half with the caramel perforator is the divorce the two are now going through. And I almost forgot to mention, Joey Harrington and Marcus Vick are both currently on this roster! I can't imagine that being a positive.

Key Games:
November 19th vs. Minnesota: Dante returns to Minnesota (hopefully without his dinghy). Also, lesser known former Vike Kelly Campbell returns but I have a distinct feeling that they will not be retiring his number for the 57 catches he provided in 3 years there.

December 17th at Buffalo: But Hasmitt, you say, the Bills really suck this year, why is this game important?And I will say "listen m*thaf*cka, it's Mr. Hasmitt, and don't look me in the eye again!" After I compose myself, I will inform you that the Dolphins need to win their four games against the Bills and Jets this year to have a chance for postseason play, and they need to break the stereotype that they can't play in cold weather, which you know it will be in Buffalo.

December 31st at Indianapolis: This could once again be a game that makes or breaks their season. I wonder if the Colts will have anything to play for at this point (other than Peyton breaking some passing mark) and maybe the 'Fins can steal a victory here. Because what I'm saying is that the Dolphins aren't going to win this if the Colts bring their real team out. Albacore!

Impact Player(s): Daunte Culpepper and Ronnie Brown. If Miami gets the Culpepper of 2004, this team could be exciting to watch. But if they get the Culpepper of '05, they might have to turn to Joey Harrington for some leadership. Yikes! Ronnie Brown needs to become a back that can handle regular carries: now that he doesn't have to worry about sharing the backfield with a two-legged hookah, he should prove to be a big part of the team's chances.

Worst Player: Dan Wilkinson. Holy shit, this guy is still in the league! That's amazing.

Prediction: 9-7

New York Jets

Chad Pennington throws like a girl. Curtis Martin is worn down, and you would have to assume that most of it is due to trying to be "man enough" for her. At this point, are NFL franchises just pulling fetus coordinators out of the uterus that is Bill Belichick's staff? What has Eric Mangina done that would make someone think he would be a good head coach? Carry around Charlie Weis' gunt/chili bowl? The Jets are going to be poor this year.

Key Games:

September 10th at Tennessee: This game might be one of the most painful to watch of all time. The only real reason I have it marked down as it will be a good time for the two franchises to laugh about how people actually thought Justin McCareins was going to be somebody. People being me of course.

September 17 vs. New England: Mangini's first battle against his former team. At home no less. Sorry to disappoint you Fireman Ed: this isn't going to be pretty. Is he actually a fireman by the way? Is his sole job to get to a burning house and scream “F-I-R-E..FIRE FIRE FIRE!!”

September 24th at Buffalo: The battle for N.Y...kind of. This is actually the battle for the AFC cellar. Fortunately the match up is only in September, so the field should only have three feet of snow on it. I would watch out if I were Willis McGahee though. For those of you that don't know, Kimo von Oelhoffen has switched teams and is now playing for the Jets. Here's hoping that Willis isn't the first RB in the league with a peg leg. More like ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRB. Ahthankyou.

Impact Player: Jonathan Vilma

The Heir apparent to Ray Lewis as a Miami alum LB with a nose for the ball (who plays for a team whose offense sucks), Jets fans will be rewarded with another 150+ tackle season, some of which he might be in on. I just want to know one thing: Is he catching Jose Reyes' sloppy seconds or is it the other way around?

Worst Player: Kevan Barlow

I mean shit, you know that Curtis is on the down slide, you let Lamont Jordan walk away, you could have had a shot at TJ Duckett, but you go with Kevan Barlow, who seems to be locked in an unannounced suck contest with Lee Suggs. Actually this four back competition that the Jets are dealing with is akin to watching four baby seals try to tread water after they've been clubbed. Move over Rae, I'm coming to stay!

Prediction: 6-10

Buffalo Bills

God, writing up summaries for the last two teams is brutal. I get most of my insults in against the Jets and then I look down and shit, the Bills are even worse! The Bills did something impressive last year: they turned their team over to a second year QB (J.P. Losman) and said "we are building for the future" but then only played him in 9 games, which is the perfect number of games where a young QB can completely lose his confidence but still not gain enough experience. Well played there. No one wants to see Kelly Holcomb (except maybe fantasy players who own one of the Bills midget receivers) so actually BUILD FOR THE FUTURE THIS YEAR! One thing of note: The J.P. stands for Jonathan Paul. Could we get Losman to go with Jon Paul? At the very least, it will remind me of the Seinfeld marathon episode and I’ll laugh. This is my modest proposal. When did London Fletcher add a -Baker to his name? Did he take his wife's name? What is going on here?

Key Games:

September 24th vs. Buffalo: Like I said before, the battle for the AFC east cellar. I have September 24th marked off as a date that I shouldn’t have any objects around me, including shoelaces, that could be turned into a noose.

December 3rd vs. San Diego: I just thought that this would be a good date for Willis McGahee to meet the actual best running back in the NFL. Just to kind of avoid all that awkward confusion after proclaiming himself the greatest. Of course, knowing Marty Schott, he will rush L.T. two times in this game and have Philip Rivers pass 50 times, especially if he is close to a playoff berth.

Impact Player: Nate Clements

Call us what you will, but we love Nate Dogg here. A young CB that is underdiscussed but great in man to man? We'll take it. Instead of these two over hyped traffic cones at the very least.

Worst Player: Peerless Price

Wow, you sucked in Atlanta. Maybe it was Mike Vick (probably), but you certainly didn't help either. Then 6 receptions in 7 games for Dallas. Your name is still correct though because you don't have a peer who sucks this badly.

Prediction: 5-11

The Morning Wood - 09/06/2006

2006-09-06T11:11:00.000-04:00

Stud: Johan Santana
He's good. Yup...going out on a limb there. First in the majors to win 17 games this season.

Dud: Ken Griffey Jr.'s Health
Honestly, he accepts being injured more than a battered wife. That being said, I'm surprised he's held up as well as he has this season. Hopefully he returns sooner than later as it looks like the Reds would rather start planning their offseason vacations than make it to the playoffs. I miss Marge Schott.

Talk Around The Cooler
Is it me or do we simply ignore or make light of any controversy involving the NFL. But, it seems as though the NFL is considering tweaking its drug policy. The NFL won't be the same without roid rage running rampant. Let these guys kill each other. This is entertainment right?

I'm all for players AND teams doing what they can to get or provide fair compensation for performance on the field but the situation with the Pats and Deion Branch is getting out of hand. Should he be paid more? Yes. Does he deserve what he's asking for? No. Does a middle ground exist in contract negotiations? Not in the NFL. I can't help but think that this situation will hurt the Pats in the future. If I'm an athlete, I definitely want to go to a team that won't really negotiate and consequently hold me hostage for not taking their only offer.

In a surprise result, Tiger Woods won his 8th PGA Player of the Year Award. Between making love to my wife, showing robotic emotion and bitching at onlookers to stop using their cameras (assholes), it seems as though he can play a bit of golf. Congrats.

Quick Hits:
Vza hates college football. I love it. One more day til football starts which means it's time to look at this weeks fantasy matchups.Unrelated to anything going on in sports right now, just want to say - Duke sucks.

2006 AFC North Preview

2006-09-05T16:57:00.000-04:00

Here's a little peak into the AFC North...

Baltimore Ravens
This team bears an eerie resemblence to the 1999 Tennessee Titans, a team that reached the Super Bowl and came about an Olsen twin away from winning. Here are the facts, and they are indisputable: 1. Steve McNair. 2. Derrick Mason. 3. Samari Rolle. 4. White-homo tight end. 5. Great defenses with playmakers, mediocre offense with overrated running backs. So far, you think that the similarities might be a good thing, but then you realize that McNair, Mason and Rolle have all aged, plus their two most important players are felons. God, I love the NFL.

Key Games:
November 5 vs. Cincinnati: They lost to the Bengals twice last year, and to have any chance at making the playoffs in this division, they're going to have to take this game at home. I'd say their best bet is to get Ray Lewis to pull a Von Oelhoffen on Carson Palmer, though I think they'll have a tough time convincing Lewis to do anything illegal, upstanding citizen that he is.

December 10 at Kansas City: Big, late season game against another team that hopes to be fighting for the playoffs. Can Ray Lewis stop the young Larry Johnson based solely on the fact that announcers say that he's good? If there's one thing I know, it's that you never cross America's Favorite Murderer.

Impact Player: Ed Reed is vicious, insanely athletic, probably won't eat your children like Ray Lewis, and is one of a handful of defensive players in the NFL that I'll keep a game on just to watch them. With Samari Rolle and Chris McAlister at the corners, he should be able to take some chances and make a shitload of plays.

Worst Player: For the easiest call in this entire preview, we're going to have to go with Kyle Boller. Throwing a ball 50 yards isn't the only thing he can do from one knee (see: fellatio). In three years of NFL action, he's amassed 31 TDs, 32 INTs and a robust 69.2 qb rating. Plus, he's been a notch on Tara Reid's insanely long, wornout belt. An entire city is praying that Steve McNair's body holds up, and I don't see it happening.

Prediction: 7 - 9

Cincinnati Bengals
Well, it was quite the off-season for this group of ne'er-do-wells. While character issues abound, bringing a group of morally-inept football players to the promised land is not unheard of. Three weeks ago, I probably would have had this team out of the playoffs, but after Carson Palmer looked as sharp as Chris Henry's coke blade, I think they're primed for another solid run. Plus, Marvin Lewis is one of my favorite coaches - he just always looks like he's in total control during a game, kind of a badass, turned around the worst franchise in the NFL, and does a mean Tony Bennett.

Key Games:
October 1 vs. New England: Serious gut-check time - four weeks into the season, you should have your ducks in a row, and in comes the AFC team that you're trying to unseat. With their fairly brutal schedule, they need this game at home. THEY MUST PROTECT THIS HOUSE!!!

December 31 vs. Pittsburgh: This game might give the winner the division title. It should also be the prime opportunity for a Bengal to take a real cheap shot on Roethlisberger for some Palmer reciprocity. I'm putting my money on rookie/wifebeater/vandal/quarterbackhumper Frostee Rucker.

Impact Player: Even though it's his 13th year in the league, 350-lbs behemoth Sam Adams should improve a defensive line that was a weak spot on their defense last year. That is, of course, assuming that he doesn't eat Frostee Rucker.

Worst Player: Chris Henry was arrested four times in seven months, which works out to about once per 100 yards receiving for his career. Kid has potential, but it sure doesn't look like he's going to realize any of it, especially behind Chad Johnson and T.J. Houshmanzadahedahdeadfzah.

Prediction: 10 - 6, playoffs

Cleveland Browns
Cleveland, contrary to popular belief, normally does not rock, and this year should be no different. Looking over their depth chart, I first feel nauseous, then I see that they have a guy named LeCharles, which makes me laugh, right up until I find out that he was their big free agent signing, but is now injured for the season. Luckily, they've got LeCharlie Frye under center - the second-year man out of Akron with middle school facial hair. Luckily, he's being backed up by LeKen Dorsey - fourth year man out of Miami with a middle schooler's body. LeKellen Winslow will have given up and be working on this by week 5.

Key Games:
October 29 vs. NY Jets: Honestly, this is one of the only games I can see them having a chance of winning, even with their puff schedule. They're going to be horrific. I mean, freaking terrible.

Impact Player: LeLeigh Bodden jumped into their lineup after an injury to starting corner LeGary Baxter last year, and actually proved himself to be a reliable, above-average corner. By the way, their impact player went to Duquesne, who may or may not actually have a football team. Coming in tied for a close second are Orpheus Roye, and D'Qwell Jackson, solely based on the coolness of their names.

Worst Player: Oh, I don't know, everyone? Let's give it to LeMatt Stewart, who is undersized, has recoreded seven sacks in six years, could probably be outrun by Drew Carey, and is their starting outside linebacker.

Prediction: 3-13

Pittsburgh Steelers
And finally, our defending Super Bowl Champions. Now, you might not be able to hear this over Joey Porter talking, so listen up. We learned a lot this off-season, for instance: Ben Roethlisberger will not be asked to join Mensa any time soon; Hines Ward loves Korea, and the feeling is mutual; Jerome Bettis retired to work on his 7-10 pickup; and rookie Santonio Holmes loves spreading his seed, then slapping the shit out of the fertilizer. Toss in a little disorderly conduct there too, Santonio - you know, just to keep it interesting. Antwaan Randle El bolted during the off-season, cashing in on one gimmick play that the Redskins presumably will try running on every other third down, given the money that they threw his way. All that being said, the SteelCity should be alright.

Key Games:
September 24 vs. Cincinnati: Just like the Bengals have to win their home matchup with the Steelers, Pittsburgh has got to return the favor.

November 5 vs. Denver: The Broncos will come into Pittsburgh looking for a little payback after being kept out of the Super Bowl by losing to the Steelers in the AFC Championship. They should take this game, but there's the off chance that The Snake goes wild.

Impact Player: No question, Troy Polamalu, who is one of the few announcer favorites that lives up to his hairstyle/hype.

Worst Player: We're going with Cedrick Wilson, who is stepping in at the #2 wideout spot. He's tossed up 1654 yards and six touchdowns in six years of professional football, which would be one good season for Hines Ward. Having to face the Ravens' and Bengals' secondaries twice each isn't going to help.

Prediction: 11 - 5, playoffs